Celebration (Removing "Cancer Sucks" wristlet.): On Christmas Day I cut the "Cancer Sucks" wristlet from my wrist along with those my family members were wearing. I tied them to five teal balloons my cousin and her daughter brought over and I released them saying, "never come back!" I was overcome with emotion and sobbed on my cousin's shoulder. I said, "It's over and she said, yeah, it's over." It was a beautiful moment.

Once I had my first-year check-up with my gyn/onc, I felt a renewed sense of hope and no longer wanted to wear the reminder of one of the most difficult times in my life. I want to truly move forward. No one knows their future and even though I have some pretty harsh statistics to deal with that is all they all.

Celebration (Anniversary): I went for my first annual visit with my gyn/onc almost a year to the day he declared I was in remission. Everything is great. I admitted to him that there are times when I feel a pain, a twinge or maybe bloating and my mind starts to race. He said when that happens to look at my CA 125 result which is currently 5. He said that is accurate. He said my cancer is in remission. He didn't tell me anything new but it felt good to be reassured.

Even though I have been trying to maintain a positive attitude it is hard to get the statistics out of my head. Only 17% of women live five years after their initial diagnosis. So in my mind I expect the cancer to recur; I just keep praying it takes a while. I have been letting that shape my life and how I look at my future. After seeing my doctor I am now trying to let go of that statistic. I could be one of the 17% and spend years waiting for a shoe that my never drop. I am going to try really hard but as you all know it is not easy.

Drug or Chemo Therapy

Decision Point: I have always been a writer. I wrote poems as a child and as an angst-ridden teen. I wrote poems for birthdays and other holidays. Family members often asked me to write something for them to give to a loved one. At my office I was often asked to write whether is be for a birthday or to complain to management. I once wrote a letter to the editor for our unit when we were going through contract negotiations. I signed it from the unit but when the letter was presented to the paper they insisted on a name. I let them use mine; that sure put me on the hotseat.

Once I retired I wanted to pursue my writing but wasn't sure how to go about it. I don't expect to write the great American novel; I just wanted to find an outlet for my expression. I took an online writing course earlier this year and while I think I learned from it, I didn't receive the feedback I was looking for.

I emailed a teacher who's English class I took when I was well into my forties. I asked her for suggestions. Among others she suggested a blog. Although I worked on a computer at my job I am fairly helpless with my own but thought I'd give it a try.

I went onto Google and they had a step-by-step process that helped me create my blog. I named it Life at Catnip Cottage. Yes, I am a cat lover but my only kitty died in July. I looked online for advice about writing a blog and am following (or trying to) two of their suggestions. One is to write no more than 500 words and two is to write only a couple of times per week.

It is fun and satisfying even though I don't know if anyone other than family and friends is reading it. But the writing is for myself so that is fine.

Decision Point: Once I got my diagnosis I pretty much decided I would not return to work. My job was stressful. I figured if my treatment wasn't successful I wanted to spend whatever time I had left enjoying myself and spending time with family and friends. If my treatment was successful I still wanted to spend my time enjoying my life and spend time with family and friends.

I waited to make the final decison at the end of my treatment. My doctors kept telling me I would be able to go back to work. If I had to I guess I could have but I don't think I have the stamina to take the pressures of the job. I am happy I was able to make the decision and it was not determined by my financial situation.

I do not regret the decision.

Celebration (Birthday): I invited family and friends to celebrate my first birthday post cancer. It was on February 12, 2011 and we had a terrific time.

Celebration (Christmas): We got to celebrate Christmas at home although the house was still in complete disarray. All of our belongings as well as furniture had been placed in storage and were returned a couple of days before Christmas. We had a couple of hundred boxes throughout the house. We had no tree and I could not decorate. I love to decorate and do so for all the major holidays as well as spring, fall, etc. But we still had Christmas dinner with family and friends. I made another little speech expressing my wishes for good health, to continue to have family and friends around and the time to enjoy them.

Celebration (Thanksgiving): I couldn't wait to celebrate the holidays. I had not been sure I would still be around. On November 12, 2010 our hall toilet overflowed and we sustained major damage in the house. All flooring and the bottom three feet of walls had to be replaced. It couldn't have happened at a worst time. But we dealt with it. I see things in a different context now. It's hard to worry about things that can be fixed. We always spend Thanksgiving at home; you cannot pry me from my house. Well this year we had Thanksgiving dinner at Mimi's Cafe. I had planned to make a little apeech about how happy I was to be alive and grateful to the people who helped me get through the ordeal. My mom made a speech of her own in which she gave me full credit for surviving because of my determination and will to live. Wow!

Celebration (Hair is back): My hair started to grow back in December of 2010 and it really looked scraggly. I was tempted to shave it off but knew I had to grow it back sometime. In February I could hardly stand it anymore so I made an appointment with my hairdresser and once she shaped it up, it was okay. At first it grew back with some curl and a lot of body. My hair is normally stick straight and limp. I like it but now I think it is pretty much back to normal. It might have a little more body than It did beore.

Celebration (Remission): I was pronounced in remission by Dr. Kato on 11/03/2010. Happy Day!

Celebration (Finished treatment): As I stated earlier my last chemo was cancelled and I began my post-cancer life in really good health.

Celebration (Cancer is shrinking): I was told about a blood test I had never heard of called the CA125. It is a tumor marker that can help diagnose the presence and extent of ovarian and other cancers. My initial result was 6900. Before my first chemo had increased to 9000+. After the first chemo it came down to 3200 and boy were we all happy. Dr. Kado had said if the chemo didn't work I couldn't have surgery. Without surgery I knew I didn't have a chance. The CA125 continued to decrease during the chemo. Post surgery it was 13 and has continued to decrease during the last year. My latest result was 3.

Celebration (There was hope for me): When I found out I had ovarian cancer I thought I was not long for this world. My primary called me on the phone to give me the news and she sounded devastated. Later that afternoon the gastroenterlogist called and told me I had Stage IV and there wan't anything that could be done. Well, shoot me now. This was on March 16, 2010 and in my mind I figured I would be dead by the end of summer.

I went to my first appointment with my surgeon on March 22 and he was outlining the process. It all sounded so routine and matter of fact. I asked if this meant I had a chance and he said of course. I said that is all I have been praying for. After we left his office I was being wheeled down the hall (I was so weak at that time) and I said stop. I got up and hugged my cousin and the two friends who had brought me. They all looked at me and I cried, he said I have a chance. I felt like that was the first miracle.