stillkickin

Yes, I am having some problems believing it! My husband told me today that I needed to stop expecting to die because after all I have been through I am cancer free and should live my life. He also reminded me that I was so lucky that I even get to go back to work! I am an RN so I cannot directly care for others but I can do many things I have a bachelors degree. I ask my doctor when I was discharged, when was the next bone marrow biopsy? He replied " I don't do biopsies on people who don't have cancer! Your tests do not indicate cancer, so no more of that!" I cried, they are so painful, well can be, depends on who does it. Now I have another year of recovery, I am limited on where I can go, I have to immunizations, just le a baby. It is hard to admit that we are cancer survivors because we are afraid that if w say it, it will come back! That is my problem, and I spend all my time with my husband, I love him so much but we have never spent this much time together, we have always worked, that's something I'll miss when I go to work, work ..... Hmmm wonder what I'll be doing, who I will be? Is that what your thinking?

WVgirl - An inability to accept that I'm really cancer free is definitely part of my problem too. Running through my mind are thoughts like how can the doctor know definitely, how do I know there aren't cells not seen on scans that will start to reproduce, and more. Another part of my problem is feeling like I don't deserve this miracle, I'm not worthy in some way that I don't even understand. I retired a couple of years before my diagnosis, so going back to work isn't one of the things I'll be doing, but all my planning was short term, and now I'm having trouble when trying to think/plan long term. I'm working on that. Again, I'm so glad that you responded, because it is a huge relief to talk with someone that is feeling the same way as I am.

Well, I know that every time a special day arrives I cry. On Thanksgiving I cooked dinner while crying, my daughter in law asked if I needed a break I told her no, they were happy tears because I never expected to make it to that day let alone cook. Same with Xmas , grandkids birthdays.... Etc.. I had a sister that passed from cervical cancer. I was in nursing school and took care of her, I called her death as I was only medical person there and I did not cry until I had bathed her, dressed her, finally hospice showed up and left, then the funeral director came for her. I went home and then I cried. I had to be professional until home, otherwise everyone else would have freaked and chaos would have started. There were 10 of us kids, 7 natural and 3 adopted. There are 7 of us left. We are not close since our parents passed. I am close to two of them, the others like drama. My husband got me to say out loud that I am cancer free and going to live life to its fullest. It felt good and then I prayed to God it would be true. I have made reservations at Myrtle Beach for September. It's at a resort and a great room, I am taking my husban ofcourse, my brother ( whose cells I have), and my nephew who drives me to appointments 3hours away... They are bringing their wives. His is a trip I wanted last year, now it's set and paid for, so long way off and that's my first long term step, baby one? I am also looking into other areas of nursing that I could do like consulting, it pays well it's like $150/ hour, that would be ideal but big dream job lol. Hope your thoughts are growing in positive direction, admit to yourself in a mirror or to one person close to you that you are scared to admit that you are cancer free, for fear of it returning. That is step one. Like my husband said "if it is going to come back it's not going to be because you dared it to, it would be because it never left, so should not matter. I heard a woman say once" find what your afraid of and run a it! It's beautiful on the other side! " meaning to break through your fear is freedom! Praying for you and looking forward to your next posting to me. I enjoy it, although I talk a lot!

ILDenlou - thanks for the kind thoughts and good wishes. I've been through lots of days like you're going through right now, and I know how difficult they can be. Please know that you're not alone on your journey, and that the sun CAN come out as you move down the road. As you move along, hope is very important, so my wish is for you to hold hope in your heart. Sending positive thoughts and prayers in your direction.
~Pat

What wonderful news! Knowing some of what you had to go through to get to that stage I have to say it is earned. As my Doc said recently, there are no gifts or free rides with this type cancer, you pay for every inch gained. Now you have set a target for me to reach. Those words must still be dancing on your ears!

That is inspiring news. Big congratulations.

Way to go stillkickin so happy for you and your loved ones to have such wonderful news. Stand up and be proud for what you have been through and beat the odds. Can't wait for the day to be able to say that also. So get out there and do what you have been wanting to do for awhile.
Happy Days :)

Hilary, your caring and compassion shines out of you like a beacon, and your posts always brighten my day.

My biggest problem at this point is the depression. Rough days and issues at home make it difficult for me to stay positive. You are already doing something to help..you're reaching out to me at a time that I really need it. Thanks for being you.

Wish I could do more!!

Hi stillkickin

I have begun my sixth year as a pancreatic cancer survivor! Am on gemzar infusions -3 weeks on, 2 weeks off. I will be going to check out a drug trial the week after next at UNC Chapel Hill. Diet is the most important and most difficult challenge that this disease presents for me, especially because I do not have a pancreas.

Hilary, you are a very thoughtful person...thanks for checking in with me. I've actually been having a rough patch, and haven't spent much time online. Stomach pain, nausea, chills where I just can't seem to warm up. Finally starting to feel better, thank heaven. It definitely cheered me up to know that you were thinking of me.

Just had to let you know... Dad is really XXX off now. ;). Chemo rounds this time are really making him mad. No energy and fever for 3-4 days after his infusion. So, the other 3-4 days he is living large to make up for it! Drinking beer, too! So long as he has this spirit - we are good to go. :)