aintnosunshine's Journey with Breast Cancer

Holy crap... On my best friend's birthday. I could not call and tell the one person who would know what to say. I will never forget the day and time I was told... One of the darkest days in my life.

At the end of Oct. 2011 I accidently found a small lump about 4 inches down from my collarbone. I was going to wait until my yearly exam in Jan but something told me not to. Good thing I did not wait, I was diagnosed with invasive ductal carcinoma. I did not know what to do, surgery now, wait for more tests to come back? Thank you Dr. A for reviewing my choices with me. It was stage 1 so I decided on a lumpectomy, I wanted it out of me asap. If I had to go back later for additional surgery I would. Why wait and tempt fate? The surgery went well and I had no complications.

OMG they had told me I would need radiation only. Then my tests came back that I have a very rare tumor. Progesterone positive, nu2 positive, and estrogerone negative. I am going to verify this with Dr. M. I was told I had to have chemo. In the midst of this I had to have a hysterectomy prior to chemo. This took place in mid Dec 2011. A 2 hour surgery took 7 hours. It seems that the tennis ball sized cyst on my ovary was gone, but my bladder was entangled in the scar tissue from a c-section. Three surgeons had to untangle the mess. This set me back. On Dec 31st 2011 I woke up to an open incision in 2 places and bleeding, I was rushed to the hospital and they packed the wound and referred me to my Dr. I saw Dr. W and he had me take care of the wound. This is where my anxiety that I already had began to rise... Chemo started Jan 9th 2012. I was shocked, in pain, and scared to death. I followed all of the instructions and when my fever went to 101degrees, I once again went to the hospital. I was kept there for 8 days. It seems that I never received the neuphogyn shot and my white blood cells went dangerously low. I had an infection in the incision. Upon learning the discharge plan, I was going to hook myself up to a pump and give myself antibiotics through a pic line, I was angry. I told them no and after much arguing they decided to send me everyday to an infusion clinic and they would monitor my incision and give me my antibiotics. The hospital had the nerve to threaten me with sending me to a rehab clinic. I stood firm and told them if I was going to rehab it would be for illegal drug use not an infection!!! Anyone who knows me laughs at this because I do not do drugs. I told them this for the shock effect, my poor mom was embarassed, but I got my point accross. I am not a nurse and that is why I pay insurance. I had a hard time understanding all of this. I thought that breast cancer was breast cancer, sure I was at risk I had lost 3 aunts and 2 cousins to it but my braca tests came back negative. My question to Dr. M my oncologist was, "Will I lose my hair?" How stupid was I? I mean I was in the fight for my life and I was worried about my hair. It was thinning and not the best. I understand that is a common question but really!

What didn't I have. I had not thrown up for 20 plus years, and after the first chemo I puked once. Let me tell you a sausage sandwhich coming out of your nose is not pretty! I thought I was going to die. I couldn't sleep at night, I slept too much at times, I was in the worst pain, lower bowel issues, taste changes, memory loss, mood changes, mouth sores,and chemo brain is still fun, not! My diabetes and high blood pressure were controlled thank god. I also had the menopause thing going on with sweats. Oh did I mention my hair started falling out while I was in the hospital? Sure add insult to injury. The anxiety and depression, 2 things I already suffered from, worsened to the point where I would pace the floor at night. I would wake my husband up and tell him about my horrible nightmares. I would lay on the couch and wonder if I would wake up in the morning and know if I did not I was at peace with that. I would wake up later and panic about my beautiful 14 year old daughter who is my entire life. Would she be ok? I can honestly say she is the reason I keep going. She is my life and my shining light. She continues to hold my hand through it all and I want to be here for her.

May 14th was my 6th and last chemo, my mammeo came back clear, and now I am on my second week of radiation. I am back at work part time, and feeling better. My employer has been wonderful, my benefits are great, and the people have made the difference. So far radiation is going great, I understand I will experience so fatigue towards the end, I am still tired, so compared to chemo this I am told will be a walk in the park... I am scared to death every day, mentally I wont be the same. I am afraid for the next mammeo in Nov the 1 year anniversary, I am afraid it will go somewhere else. It is hard to think about it and since Nov 2011 I just put on a smile and go through the motions... I have had to remind my family that it is hard to stay positive even though I am so thankful to be alive and be able to get the great treatment I am receiving. I am changed and probably for the better, that sounds funny but it is true. I look at things differently. I am not the invincible woman I thought I was. Work can wait, people can wait, I will do things on my time because you never know how much time you have. Thanks for this venue, I wish I would have done this sooner.

I was up the next day, and then in 2 days shopping on the day after thanksgiving sales. My best friend flew in from LA to make sure all was ok during surgery an after, without her I would have been a horrible mess.