Fertility - Meara

Loss Associated with Chronic Myeloid Leukemia (CML). Posted on September 7, 2012 View this journey (4 Experiences)

This was the most difficult of my journey with cancer. A year after I started taking my medication, around the same time that my doctors determined that the medicine was working to keep me in remission, I was told that I would not be able to have children on this medication. Since I already knew that I would be taking Gleevec for the rest of my life, this felt like a death sentence to my womanhood. I was 19 years old and, though I wasn't planning on having kids any time soon, I had always thought that I would become a mother.
I started reading adoption literature and began mentally preparing myself for becoming an adoptive parent, but I still felt like it wasn't fair to have my options taken away from me so abruptly. I didn't talk to anyone about my feelings, however. Instead, I took out my frustrations on my body. Since I no longer felt like a woman, I decided that I shouldn't look like one either. I started going on long runs every day, and my diet took a turn for a worse. I lost about 35 pounds during my junior year of college and I stopped getting my period. I didn't really know how to deal with my anguish at being told I couldn't have children, and I felt like I couldn't talk about it, since I was supposed to be happy and celebrating that I was finally in remission.

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