• WhatNextEmails' Avatar

    A "what should I do" type of question that wishes to be anonymous.

    Asked by WhatNextEmails on Friday, January 18, 2019

    A "what should I do" type of question that wishes to be anonymous.

    Even though you can use a username and blind email address. So, I said I would post this for him. What would you do in this case? This is from a male with prostate cancer.

    "So wife got an attitude not even 5 min in bed.
    Turn the TV down, which I did , then it was turn the light off some of us have to get up and work in the morning. Then it was, awww XXX and stomped out to the living room saying, it's all about me always has been and always will b..lol
    So, I just have cancer and been off work since diagnosed and surgery in April and going through all the chemo and hormone therapy treatments and radiation treatments..Dealing with all the side effects of everything and still maintain a good attitude throughout this crap.."But it's all about me"..its not but it XXX me off none the less..I dont need,want or deserve the negative attitude. I've got my own plate full..."

    10 Answers from the Community

    10 answers
    • carm's Avatar
      carm

      Cancer is a personal disease and effects not just the patient, but also family and caregivers. Often they don't know what to do, feel helpless because it's a fight they have to watch from the sidelines... Then there is the therapy itself. TIP therapy can make you moody and sensitive. It's like a perfect storm. I'm sorry that you have to deal with this as you go through this journey. However, many here understand your issue and there are plenty of shoulders to lean on when you need it. I'm only an oncology nurse but I am here should you need anything. Best of luck to you.

      5 months ago
    • Bug's Avatar
      Bug

      Gosh, I’m so sorry about this. Might she consider counseling to help her work through her feelings?

      And, carm, you are not *only* an oncology nurse. From what I understand, oncology nurses are angels.

      5 months ago
    • beachbum5817's Avatar
      beachbum5817

      I have been on both sides of this. 5 years ago, I was diagnosed with breast cancer, and last year my husband was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I thought that being the caregiver was much harder than being the patient. You shouldn't have to deal with all of this. Your main focus has to be getting well. I read somewhere that caregivers do their crying in the car. That's what I did. If I needed to vent or pound something or throw things, I sat in my car outside of work. It helped, and it helped me to come in the house with a smiling face and positive attitude. I hope this was a one-time outburst for your wife. Take care.

      5 months ago
    • GregP_WN's Avatar
      GregP_WN

      Being a caregiver is not an easy thing to do. Many people that have been both say that the caregiver part was harder on them mentally than the patient part. I have been both. Being a caregiver for a loved one is tough because you can't do anything about their having cancer, if it gets worse it's more stress as you try harder to do things for them. Neither is a picnic for sure.

      5 months ago
    • LiveWithCancer's Avatar
      LiveWithCancer

      Maybe she's really worried but it is coming out as anger toward you. I am sorry you are facing whatever the problem with her is. You need support now. But it isn't, unfortunately, all that common to have a loved one react like your wife has.

      5 months ago
    • carm's Avatar
      carm

      @Bug,
      Thank you for the kind words...thay are greatly appreciated.

      5 months ago
    • LeahNelms' Avatar
      LeahNelms

      So sorry to hear about your situation. Not okay. What if she had cancer? I suggest relying on others for your support.

      5 months ago
    • JMP's Avatar
      JMP

      I w

      5 months ago
    • JMP's Avatar
      JMP

      I cared for my wife through out her fight with cancer. There is a helplessness in that you can not make your loved one better with a majic wand that will simultaneously cure your spouse and put everything back to the way it was before cancer.
      It is true that caregivers do most of their crying, yelling, cursing and complaining in the car. I mean how can you say “I’m not feeling that great today” to someone going through treatment without feeling ashamed of yourself.
      I’ll admit that I would have an occasional temper tantrum, I remember throwing all the Tupperware out of a cabinet when I couldn’t find the right lid. This is not normal for me, when people describe me, patience is usually top on the list.
      One thing that my wife did for me was to thank me from time to time. Although it was unnecessary it would always lift my spirit It was like a boost of fuel that kept me going. It reminded me that everything she and I were doing was for a purpose.
      I hope that your wife’s outburst was just a momentary loss of composure There is a good chance afterward she felt about as small as a human can feel, yelling at someone who is fighting cancer will do that to you.
      But that being said, having the occasional argument will for a brief moment trick you into thinking things are back to normal.
      I don’t write all of this to be an excuse for what your wife said. But there will be days (hopefully not too many) that you will need to be patient with her, and realize that what she may be saying is not necessarily directed at you but the situation you are both facing.

      5 months ago
    • KB2013's Avatar
      KB2013

      What prior crisis have you faced as a couple? Did you work through it together, was there mutual effort? I recently had a lady tell me she was divorcing her husband (he worshipped her) because he has pancreatic cancer and can not work, so she wants out before suffering any major financial losses. She makes excellent money but, was never big on ‘sharing’.
      Those we trust to be our nearest and dearest can turn against us when faced with an inconvenience, like cancer, such abandonment is a common occurrence. Cancer is rough so find a support group where at least you have a place to go to take a break.
      I wish you well.

      5 months ago

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