• Anyone having difficulty isolating from family?

    Asked by Jayne on Tuesday, May 19, 2020

    Anyone having difficulty isolating from family?

    I'm struggling trying to be the caretaker for my 89 yo mother and 96 yo step-dad. I've been arranging for grocery deliveries and even managed to get some plants delivered since I know how much my mom loves to garden. Yet, all she does is complain that she would not have selected that tomato, or that plant, etc. She got herself a mask and is out doing her own thing, even though I've explained to her over and over that she and I are BOTH high risk. She is because of her age, and I am because I had the lobe of my right lung removed. I don't even want to be near her because of her exposure to everything and everyplace and when I do, she gets upset because I wear a mask as if I think she is contaminated (of course I do!). I hate how this virus is affecting the older folks. I think she is just so overwhelmed that she's going to just keep doing what she has always done and hope for the best. How do I keep myself safe from my own mother? It's saddens me so.

    11 Answers from the Community

    11 answers
    • CASSIEME1's Avatar

      explain it to her and above all else protect yourself. pray and give it to God

      12 days ago
    • LiveWithCancer's Avatar

      I'm really sorry you're having to go through that, Jayne! I wish I had some suggestions, but I honestly don't ... I just wanted to offer my support... (Is your mom careful when she gets out and about? Wear a mask, socially distance, etc.?)

      My mom is 90 and she's hard-headed too! I get frustrated with her when she asks advice and then does the exact opposite!!!

      11 days ago
    • Bengal's Avatar

      Keep wearing your mask! Dealing with aging parents can be difficult as you have obviously found. They're supposed to be telling their kids what to do, not the other way around. Just be persistent and you may find that your mom will eventually come round. I've found with my mom, plant the seed in her mind, give her time to ruminate on it and she often comes to the right decision on her own.

      11 days ago
    • Jayne's Avatar

      On top of it all, she has early stage dementia so I feel like I'm living in that Ground Hog movie where every day resets itself. When I mention my condition she says, "oh, that C word - I don't want to talk about that".

      11 days ago
    • Bengal's Avatar

      That makes it a whole different ballgame. My advice probably won't work. I am so lucky that my mom, in spite of infirmities, remains mentally alert. I can still have a discussion with her about many things including my health issues. So sorry you are having to deal with this. Keep wearing the mask. She'll get used to it - maybe

      11 days ago
    • JaneA's Avatar

      When dealing with a loved one who has dementia, they really don't understand the logic of any answer or explanation. All that you can do is keep yourself safe and continue to wear your mask and wash your hands. I feel for you.

      11 days ago
    • Marzbarz's Avatar

      So I truly believe our parents are reverting back to being teenagers and it’s not just your mom! My dads the same way at 93. They test our patience like we tested theirs. Try hard not to take it personally and know that you will have no regrets in life because your their for them. It is just the way it is right now. I just sometimes laugh and shake my head because what else can you do.

      11 days ago
    • GregP_WN's Avatar

      We took care of both of our parents as they slowly left us. Dad was 84, Mom was late 70s, Dad was on the edge of dementia mom was pretty sharp still. With dad Dad, he was questioning everything which made it a difficult task. There's no easy answer for it and we understand how frustrating it is. We wish you and your family the best.

      10 days ago
    • andreacha's Avatar

      I lost my Mom a long time ago - 70s. She was only 63. My Dad lived until he was 91 and was still sharp as a tack. You are almost in an impossible situation. I'm sure you love your Mom and Dad very much. The frustration with Mom can make you feel guilty when you have difficulty getting along with one another. You know exactly how she can be at times and it's easy to get infuriated. Let her rant about your mask and agree with her always (but keep on wearing the mask). Hopefully, she'll get tired of you agreeing with her. Sometimes a person can be very cruel to another and not even know. Try to remember happy times you had in the past with her and, as sad as it is, realize she'll never be that person again. I wish you only the very best with her, but more importantly your Cancer. You cannot let yourself get run down and not take decent care of yourself. I pray that you have back up assistance with their care. It's too much for you alone. Are their any Caregiver support groups in the area?

      9 days ago
    • Jayne's Avatar

      Thank you all for your insight and thoughts - they are most appreciated and have also helped me put things in perspective. While she may be difficult and forgetful, she is still with me and for that, I should be more grateful (and less cranky). I think that's called an attitude adjustment. :-)

      8 days ago
    • Bug's Avatar

      I agree that the early stage dementia makes it a different ballgame. I feel for you. I like the idea of a caregiver support group. Maybe your doctor - or your mother's doctor - can help you locate a group. And, yes, I think most of us need attitude adjustments sometimes but please don't discount your feelings and struggles. What you're going through is real and you need support. Hugs to you. BTW, I'm glad you wear your mask around your mom.

      7 days ago

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