• As a caregiver (wife) and in the last days how do you deal with family that is just stupid?

    Asked by DavidandMarty on Saturday, September 8, 2012

    As a caregiver (wife) and in the last days how do you deal with family that is just stupid?

    My husbands family who live out of state keep 'showing' up thinking its' funn that they have driven 1700 miles to surprise us, when indeed we, 1. don't like surprises at this time 2. don't really have room for 5 extra people in a 1400 sq ft home 3. don't like them so much and 4. don't have much more to give them since everytime they come they haul more stuff of my husbands away with them. I just don't have the strength to fight and he doesn't either.
    Should we have to call the Sheriff?

    10 Answers from the Community

    10 answers
    • GregP_WN's Avatar

      Man that's a tough one, as they say about family, "you can't choose them, and you can't shoot them". There comes a time, NOW, that you have to not worry about hurting someones feelings, and just tell them the facts, exactly what you layed out here, needs to be layed out to them. They can either understand and help, as they should, or get mad and leave, which it sounds like wouldnt hurt your feelings either. if your not the type A person, and dont like confrontations or telling people what to do, its hard, but, one of you will need to do it. The person who is fighting cancer is the most important thing right now, and some don't understand just how hard it is to take care of them and what's required.
      Best of luck to you, I hope it works out for you.
      And welcome to the site!

      about 4 years ago
    • ruthieq's Avatar

      If they haven't taken the hint by now, just don't let them in the door. You don't have to be gracious at this time. They need to understand you are both not up to visits, no matter how far they've come. Tell them that if they call first before they set out that they want to come you will consider it. If they won't leave then do what you must to have them leave., but don't let them in. If they really want to see your hubby suggest they set up skype with you on the computer,(if you really want to) and then you can decided whether to accept the call or not.

      about 4 years ago
    • CommaWitch's Avatar

      I agree with RuthieQ. Don't open the door. They've had no regard for your or your husband's feelings, so my vote is have no regard for theirs. Why on earth do they feel they have the right to cart your husband's stuff away? I'd report it stolen, but I'm not nice that way. Blood does not negate insensitivity and theft. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything else.

      about 4 years ago
    • FreeBird's Avatar

      Thank you for coming all that way to help. I have a list of the best hotels in the area for you, and a list of things for you to team up and do.

      Buy groceries.
      Paint the house.
      Trim the trees.
      Mow the lawn.
      Sweep the street and walkway.
      Clean the toilets and tub.
      Fix the roof.
      Repair the water heater.
      Go to the library to research _____
      Drive to the next county to pick up this herbal medicine.
      Pick up the dog poop.
      Rake the leaves.
      Reinsulate the attic.
      Grout the tiles.
      Clean the windows.
      Take the trash to the recycling drop off center
      Move that pile of dirt from the front of the house to the back.
      We have leaky pipes. Take a look at that.
      Pull the weeds.
      Build a brick wall in front of the house.
      Repave the road.
      Change the lightbulbs in the streetlights.
      It's always been his dream to have a tourist t-shirt from Mexico. Would you mind?
      Go to the post office and pick up stamps, and I'll get the money back to you as soon as I can.
      Peel these potatoes.
      They won't be back.

      Someone in the family might be able to be the gatekeeper if you ask them. If you're using Hospice, they might be able to serve in this role. Have someone tell everyone else that you two should have some peaceful quality time alone. Do they take his things? That's terrible. I wouldn't let buzzards anywhere near the house now or later.

      about 4 years ago
    • Moonflay's Avatar

      Ask some friends, neighbors, church or health providers to come by and give support when you tell the family members to leave. Explain that you feel that it is in your husbands best interest health and otherwise if y'all do not have to deal with overnight company during this time. Thank them for their concern, smile and wave goodbye. Have one of the support members ready to dial the sheriff if the need arises!


      about 4 years ago
    • Mollie's Avatar

      Don't let them push you around. My grandma passed on Tuesday and in her last days people wanted to come over and we just told them no. It's what my grandma would've wanted. So whatever you feel the patient would want, you do that. If they want only the comfort of you, get the others out however you need to. Good luck. I'm sending you all the strength I can.

      about 4 years ago
    • fulto11's Avatar

      Our house gets a little too noisy and crowded. We have a lot of kids that want to keep our spirits up. I am honest. I announce when it is too loud. I tell them I need a nap. Just be honest and learn that big word, "NO". When someone asks what they can do to help...I tell them I need house cleaning, mowing, etc. It seems they don't do it and don't come back. I sat the girls down and told them that their dad and I are use to "our pattern" and it would be worst if we had to change it to conform others. Again, just tell them the truth. What are they going to do? Leave? Smile. The best attack is to tell them all of this on the phone when they call making a plan to come over.
      Really liked FreeBird's list. Mass mail it out before hand. Lol. Be sure to ask for money. I have had a lot of people to move off the land/house when I asked for rent money. Had a step daughter between boyfriends. I told her from day one I would need weekly money due to added expense from her Dads' illness. (Groceries, gas, etc.) She didn't show up.
      My husband fixed a lot when one day he walked into the noisy dining room and asked, "Why are all of you hanging around here? Is there something I need to know? Am I fixing to die? The only time I see a crowd like this is at a funeral." It was very uncomfortable but it sure did quieten down around here. Smile.
      AS I'M TYPING THIS...IT HAPPENED! This is Sunday. I chose not to go to church because my husband needs company. A little down today. Just got a call from friends (3 kids). Want to know if they can come over and do lunch together (after they get out of church). Want to know if I was going to cook and they could bring side dishes. Wow! Being my husband said he "wasn't feeling well" they are going to come over to visit. I told them I wouldn't be home. That is true. I will be going to the store some time today. LOL!

      about 4 years ago
    • Mollie's Avatar

      I think what it comes down to is people just don't "get it" if they've not gone through either the cancer part or the caregiving part. I always try to assume positive intent, but it's hard, especially the last few days. Be strong and listen to all of these great idea everyone's been offering and choose what's right for you.

      about 4 years ago
    • 1lungwonder's Avatar

      I am so sorry for the heartache you are living through. I would say that you need to be a firmer and let any family know that there is not room in your home or in this emotional time to have unplanned guest. If you have to list reasons for them, here are some biggies: #1 after medical expenses, we can't afford to feed you, #2 My husband's environment needs to be calm. #3 We can not be exposed to germs right now, and how about #4 YOU ARE ACTING LIKE VULTURES! Let my husband and I have time together as his passing draws near. I will make sure you are given what ever HE wants you to have, but remember that I do have to exist after his passing. I will be praying for you.

      about 4 years ago
    • Shoeless' Avatar

      I simply told everyone to not come over without calling first as we had to be going to doctors and treatments quite often and weren't sure when we would be home to receive company, or when I would feel up to it. Then when they called my wife would tell them she needed help with cooking and cleaning since taking care of me required so much of her time, plus with all of our expenses (doctors, meds) we would of course appreciate any help they could give with buying groceries, and naturally children shouldn't come over due to both the noise (I'm very tired from the chemo) and the germs that school kids carry home (my resistance is low right now). Needless to say, this cut the visitors down to just the few who really cared and really wanted to help. The rest just suddenly remembered something they had to do and sorry, can't make it over today. As for the disappearing objects, I didn't have that problem, so I can't really address it other than to suggest you say something along the lines of "for some strange reason he receives comfort from looking at/touching/using that object the past few days or weeks". I think that would cause them to them pause and think.

      about 4 years ago

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