• caregiver for my daughter

    Asked by susan64 on Wednesday, April 24, 2013

    caregiver for my daughter

    I feel so guilty when I get irritated with my daughter for all the times she is mad with everyone around her. She has always been this way but I would like to see her smile from time to time. she is fighting a good fight with her stage 4 diagnosis which has been deamed terminal due to spread that can't be operated on. She is only 42.

    7 Answers from the Community

    7 answers
    • Debbie's Avatar

      We seem to take our anger out on the people most dear to us. It's not you, it's the circumstance. I hope you find peace and patience with this situation.

      over 4 years ago
    • AlizaMLS's Avatar

      Dear Susan64,

      Hi. I'm Aliza, a Breast Cancer patient and the site's unofficial resident Medical Librarian. Med Librarians offer advice (usually non medical - our Code of Ethics prevents us from offering medical advice. It also tends to be a bit on the illegal side as it's practicing medicine without a licence.), referrals to doctors, hospitals, institutions, agencies, books media, etc. and also research when requested or required. I am also permitted to speak from my personal experience as well as the experiences of family and friends.

      I am so sorry for what you are experiencing. When I was a teenager-about 17, my great-aunt was a caregiver for my cousin (her daughter) who was dying of Hodgkin's Disease (I'm 54 now and don't know all the details in terms of Stages of my cousins' illness, except to say that unfortunately my cousin who had some emotional isses initially saw a physician once she noticed a lump in her neck 5 years later). She was a lovely, vibrant young woman with many emotional difficulties and a stormy history (her father had died when she was 3 years old) and raised by her mother and her aunt.

      My Aunt went through much heartache about the impending death and the aftermath of the death of her only child. I would recommend to you that you contact CancerCare asap as they counsel people not only with Cancer but also caregivers and it sounds as if you could definitely use a shoulder to lean on right now. You can speak with one of their specially trained Social Workers on the phone or in person (in person is always preferable, so you can form a true relationship).

      I would imagine that it is normal for your daughter to be angry at this time since she's aware that her life is being cut short (perhaps a word from you to people she's in contact with would help them understand). I might also suggest that your daughter might enjoy speaking with a CancerCare Social Worker. If she's not up to going, they'll certainly be happy to accommodate her needs by speaking to her by phone.

      i hope (since you mention how guilty you feel) that you don't take all of the caregiving responsibilities for your daughter on yourself. You might try and nvetigate through your daughter's insurance what entitlements she has as far as a home healthcare worker or aide might be possible and you might see about placing her in hospice and palliative care (you might speak to her physician [pimary care doc oroncologist] about this). This just means thatthey are no longer seeking a cure for her but are looking to make her comfortable. There may be other insurance benefits to doing this as well. You may also want o consult an ElderCare attorney as they are the most well versed in these matters and have your daughter tie up her loose ends in terms of a will, a living will and health care proxy or proxies. I'm so sorry as I realize this is a sensitive subject but one that must be discussed.

      Another person who might provide comfort to you and your daughter providing you belong to a religious community is your clergyperson. They've often had experience doing chaplaincy work and in some congregations there is even a "sunshine committee" who offers visits, provides meals, and offers rides to appointments if needed. Of course this varies depending upon the congregation.

      Your daughter is not aware of all the lives she's touched just as my cousin was not. I was devastated when she died. Life seemed to cease in our house when that happened and at the time she lived in CA and we ived in NY (she'd moved not long before). I'm thrilled to own a painting that belonged to her (my aunt [her aunt too]t was an artist).

      If there is anything else that I can for you to make things a bit easier, please don't hesitate to ask me. Feel free to email me offsite or message me here.

      Warmest Wishes,

      over 4 years ago
    • SandiD's Avatar

      I am sorry to hear this. I have a kid with this temperament and he would be a bear if he had to go through this. Knowing her temperament has to tell that you are not to blame for her moods. Even the most cheerful person could have a hard time with a diagnosis like this. If she would agree, a Social Worker could help find someone for her to speak to. It might help her cope. Even if she won't seek emotional support, I encourage you to get it for yourself. This is a lot for a mother to deal with. You can help her and love her as she allows, but you cannot make her smile or do anything she does not want to do. Even healthy adult children have find a way to work their emotions. As moms we want to fix things for our kids, that is natural, but not always our place. I hate that. God bless you and your daughter.

      over 4 years ago
    • punker1976's Avatar

      She is scared and I don't blame her for being angry.....jezz that is to young. Is she a spiritual person? sometimes talking to a priest or pastor can help. Gather your family and remind her that she has left her mark on everyone and they are blessed that they have known her. Everyone leaves a little behind and she will be able to see it in others. Be patient with her and I will say a prayer for her. Punker

      over 4 years ago
    • fastdog's Avatar

      This is a very hard time for you and your daughter, and you have my sympathy. I would also recommend a professional to talk to, and if she refuses to do that, perhaps you should, as you must be under a lot of stress. Please don't feel guilty, though. If this was her temperament before cancer, imagine the added burden she is facing now, and perhaps she doesn't feel there is much to smile about. It's hard to accept the fact that the only person we can actually change is ourselves, and maybe all you can do is be supportive and "there" for her.

      over 4 years ago
    • susan64's Avatar

      thanks to everyone for your support. I am seeing a counselor but my daughter is not able to yet because of insurance. We are working on it. This is so hard on so many levels.

      over 4 years ago
    • soni's Avatar

      aww baby I am so sorry! I too have terminal lung cancer. I'm angry a lot of the time; just mad at everything and everyone. I don't even know myself; I'm horrible lately!!! and can stand what/who I turned into and am fighting to at least be half of who I was. I've been rude and hurtful to my beautiful daughter who is my caregiver. It is a moment by moment thing keeping my temper and loud mouth under control. I am doing better and learning and praying. I lash out and repent; lash out & repent until I find I am lashing out less and less. I find that I stay calm and under control on purpose and have to think about it and practice, practice. Someone who takes your hope with a bad report takes your life and as an individual I have to bring myself back daily. I am alive today and I can Love today and hold my daughter and tell her that she is Amazing!!!! and I can tell you that you're Amazing too!! I don't look to the future anymore and try/have no choice but to be in the moment. Try not to feel guilty when you're learning step by step how to carry on. Don't take away from all of the good things; beautiful things that you do everyday. God Bless you & yours as you walk this road on your journey home........Sonni

      over 4 years ago

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