• Children’s reactions are confusing ?

    Asked by Ivorygrl on Friday, March 15, 2019

    Children’s reactions are confusing ?

    How to handle family acting badly?

    8 Answers from the Community

    8 answers
    • cllinda's Avatar
      cllinda

      What are the ages of the children? Generally kids can't understand the whole idea of cancer and it's treatments. And it depends on their age, maturity, and their own way of thinking as to what a child can understand when a parent has cancer.
      Now if they are adult children, that's a different story. They can be afraid that something will happen to you and either get very close or they pull away. People can say stupid things and not realize that they hurt your feelings.
      My mom and brother came up to my daughter's wedding. I had made it through chemo, radiation and surgeries and I was starting to get back to normal. My mom kept saying that I should get a wig for the wedding. My hair was about 3/4's of an inch long so I didn't bother. After the wedding, the next day, my mom said something that floored me. She said that I must have looked horrible when I was bald. Gee, thanks.
      So during cancer, we have to let stuff go. Otherwise, it will eat you up.

      5 days ago
    • LiveWithCancer's Avatar
      LiveWithCancer

      I don't know how old your kids are ... and that makes a big difference. My son, who was an adult, had a very difficult time with my diagnosis. We actually didn't have much to do with one another for a few months while he got his head wrapped around my illness and the fact that his wife took his kids and left him within a month of my diagnosis.

      I felt like I didn't need any more stress than I already had in dealing with my illness so I left it up to him to figure out whether he could re-establish our once very close relationship. He came around, but it took him awhile.

      If your kids are young ... we're talking a whole different ball of wax.

      5 days ago
    • lujos' Avatar
      lujos

      I am having the same issue with my adult daughter. This is a recurrence for me, and she tends to say things she considers positive, but sound stupid to me, like ‘at least you didn’t lose your hair’! We’ve had several arguments about it, esp the fact that she says she wants to help, but never offers. I don’t understand her and vice versa at the moment.

      4 days ago
    • meyati's Avatar
      meyati

      Someone said-- The older the children are, the harder it is on them. That was about divorce, but I think that it's also very true about cancer. My kids were almost 40 when I got divorced, and my daughter took it exceptionally hard. I can say the same thing about my cancer diagnosis.

      4 days ago
    • BarbarainBham's Avatar
      BarbarainBham

      Hey, lujos!
      Just going from the example you gave of what your daughter says, it sounds like she's trying to saysomething positive to cheer you up, rather than dwelling on the negative, which is a sign of her trying to be helpful and make you feel better. Some people's adult kids ignore them. If she said she wants to help, you need to tell her how she can help, and not wait for her to offer. She sounds like a good girl to me.

      Your daughter sounds similar to my daughter. My surgery was in 2013, but when I complained to her about my stomach surgery scars, she said "That kept you alive," so I think my daughter and yours are just trying to make us feel better. Nobody really knows what to say.....but we know they're trying!

      Meyati, sadly, divorce is hard on young children and older children, too, just like young wives and older wives.

      3 days ago
    • lujos' Avatar
      lujos

      Hey BarbarainBham, I’m sure you’re right. I think I expected too much from her, as she said she felt so bad during my last bout because she was too far away to help. I said to her that sometimes it’s better to just do something little, like leave a sandwich for me on clinic day or something, or watch the dogs on chemo day. Neither has ever happened for some reason, and I can’t help feeling disappointed

      2 days ago
    • cllinda's Avatar
      cllinda

      Lujos, that would disappoint me, too. What would it take her to make a sandwich or take care of the dogs? It's not that big of an issue. But family can be weird about cancer.

      about 23 hours ago
    • lujos' Avatar
      lujos

      So true!

      about 22 hours ago

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