• Dealing with family members who are in denial and expecting my husband to be there for him? Maybe I just need to vent...

    Asked by ogtxaggiemom on Monday, February 4, 2013

    Dealing with family members who are in denial and expecting my husband to be there for him? Maybe I just need to vent...

    My husband's daughter lives for drama & now that her relationship is breaking up she wants to move back to our town (1,400 people)w/her son. I couldn't deal with her when everything was normal but for sure I can't now... My husband's family members are in denial about how serious this is, saying he will be better any day. And he is responsible for: His father 93 & his wife just moved in a nursing home&so he lives alone, my husband is legal & finanically responsible for his uncle with alzheimers in nursing home, & his elderly aunt expects him to be there for her too, & his sister lives 300 miles away & doesn't have to deal w/any of it. Any suggestions on support groups or maybe is there counseling for us? My husband is stage IV esophageal cancer that has moved to his liver...he had chemo/radiation but was not a candiate for surgery since it moved to his liver. He is now on his 4th line of chemo, and they tried a chemoembolization that did not work...we are running out of options

    4 Answers from the Community

    4 answers
    • Queen_Tatiana's Avatar
      Queen_Tatiana (Best Answer!)

      I too am the caretaker of my husband with stage 4 colon cancer, and not reacting well to the new chemo drugs he has started. Your husband is in a situation he doew not need to be in now. His energy needs to be spent fighting this cancer and making himself as comfortable a life as he is able to. Perhaps the time has come for him to make some simple changes such as getting a guardian to deal with the caretaking of the other adults--you can look into this through the senior services office in your county.t is a cost free service that will be assigned through the court, and they are very understanding.

      As for the daughter and perhaps other family it is time for what I refer to as "the come to Jesus talk" and tell them straight up what is happening inside your husband's body and what the cancer is physically/emotionally doing to him, and that he will NOT be taking care of anyone from this point on and they need to think about what they can do for him for a change, and if they can't get with this program and only this program then they need to stay out of the way his fighting cancer. Also slip in that you are not available either as your priority is caretaking your husband. It's so hard when family cannot accept or even acknowledge that one is so sick. His daughter probably thinks of him as her rescuer and she needs rescuing by moving back close and when this is not historically a healthy relaitonship is only adds to the stress of the cancer. This is the one time when cancer gets to win--family and friends either abide by the reality that he is too sick to care for any of them, or they move on.

      I apologize for sounding so harsh, but your husband needs his strength and he needs you to be able to focus on him and not bear the burden of others troubles for him. I hope you can figure out what will work best for you both and keep us posted on how it is going. This board is wonderful and othes, most likely, have a kinder approach than I (It's the social worker in me:).

      over 4 years ago
    • maralyn's Avatar

      i pray you do find the services to care for the other family members, your focus does need to be with you and your husband,,, stress can do terrible things to a healthy person physically and mentally,,, remember that "No". is a complete sentence!!! Crisis Intervention Services are wonderful with information to help in connecting you to the services that are available for your family members needs, do you have a Church for support for yourselves??? May God guide you through each day!!!

      over 4 years ago
    • ogtxaggiemom's Avatar

      Thank you Queen Tatiana. I have really used what you posted "that he needs to use all his physical & emotional strength for nothing else but fighting his cancer. I told him this when he was going to go to the office but didn't want too...I told him to stay home, same his strength and emotions at home and he did, I was so proud of him. I called his daughter today and told her if she wanted to come to visit for a day or two that would be okay, but she not any longer that he does not have the strength emotionally or physically and she had to leave the drama at home or we would ask her to leave. Right now our lifes are all about him and his battle and nothing else... she is a grown up and would have to figure it out now because in a few months he won't be here to do it for her anyway. I am trying to take as much of the burdens off him as possible...so he can fight the battle because that is the only way he can win the war.
      Thank you Maralyn, we do have a good church home...it is a small church and we have not been able to attend lately due to so many people with colds and the flu but we do stay in touch by visits, calls and facebook. But I have other children and grandkids and greatgrandkids that live close and also attend our church and come over for sunday dinner most weeks. They are very good about coming over and visiting for short periods and leaving drama behind. They have been great about inviting us over for meals to get him out of the house which has been good for him and doing things for him that he is not able to do anymore. We do feel very blessed.
      Thank you so much for caring...it means alot. Sometimes as caregivers we feel alone because we have to be the strong one for the others. I know the people around me are watching and I want to make sure they know that, what I say and what I believe, are not just words but can be seen in my actions. God will not give me more then I can handle and that one day we will all leave this place to be in paradise....a much better place.

      over 4 years ago
    • RobinMartinez's Avatar

      You might explore SIRspheres or TheraSpheres, two similar procedures that use tiny, radioactive beads to kill the liver metastases. This technique that can work for metastasis to the liver as well as primary liver cancer. It has saved the life of several patients I know.

      Use Google to explore the procedure and find out who does it close to you. It is not a cure but could definitely help if it can be done for your husband. Good luck!

      over 4 years ago

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