• Dealing with VERY HURTFUL comments

    Asked by Rolltidelynne on Wednesday, December 30, 2015

    Dealing with VERY HURTFUL comments

    I need advice, help, anything YALL can suggest so I don't end up doing something I might regret:( Maddie, Lynne, BoiseB - YALL are wise, witty, n my friends on here, I need y'all's opinions!
    My son in law , when he's upset w my daughter tells her he can't wait for me to die n she wouldn't have anyone or your mom is going to die soon n you won't have anyone!! He went through cancer w his NEICE who passed from Hodgkin's in the last few months, so he shouldn't use cancer as a punishment, but I digress:( He has done this for the last year. I tell my daughter it's just words - he's mad and you're his whipping post so he uses your worst fears n hurts you that way! Why they stay together idk:( But this morning those words hurt ME not just for my daughter, but WHY do I have to excuse his hurtful words when their fight is over? I HATED he feels so free to callously use my future death!! What would you do? How would YOU feel? No he never says directly to me, I get how much he loves me!?!?!

    31 Answers from the Community

    31 answers
    • Carool's Avatar
      Carool

      That's terrible! I'd ask your daughter to stopping telling you what her husband says about your imminent demise. In this case, what you don't know can't hurt you (though the cat is out of the bag, with regard to his hate-filled words). He sounds like a hot head who doesn't think before spewing nastiness (there are many people like that, as we all know).

      I wish you a much easier time in the new year. Hugs -

      over 5 years ago
    • Lynne-I-Am's Avatar
      Lynne-I-Am

      Lady, read your question to my husband and he suggested arsenic in his pudding. I am so sorry your daughter and now you are exposed to his thoughtless, callus remarks. You both deserve better. Words hurt, this is emotional abuse. DO NOT EXCUSE his actions to you or your daughter. With excusing comes license to do, over and over. My suggestion is that you live years and years, and that your daughter tells him enough is enough. He needs to be the one left alone, and time to ponder his circumstances. Life is too short lady to put up with him. Limit your exposure to this short tempered abuse and say it like it is to your daughter. Sending hugs and a wish to throw the bum out. Better days in the New Year.

      over 5 years ago
    • Sue_2015's Avatar
      Sue_2015

      What is he mad at? You say that when he gets upset with your daughter he says those hurtful words. That this has been going on for a year now? Is it because she isn't paying enough attention to him and he's jealous that she gives you the attention? (Sadly, there are people like that.) There could be alot going on with them (and since you tell us you don't know why she stays with him,, says alot!)

      Is there a way to get you, her and him together and have a heart to heart talk? Find out what's at the bottom of it all?

      There's no excuse for people who say hateful, hurtful things. Although, some people were raised in a hateful hurtful family situation and it rubbed off on them. A person's upbringing and environment does shape them as they grow up, and sometimes, unfortunately, for the worse and not for the better. Sadly, some of those people won't or can't change their hurtful ways. So, then, we have to try to stay away or get away from toxic people in order to help ourselves, if we can.

      I'm so sorry for you and having to deal with this situation. Sending positive thoughts and prayers that you'll find a way. Hugs and best wishes.

      over 5 years ago
    • LiveWithCancer's Avatar
      LiveWithCancer

      Wow, Lynne, i feel horrible for your daughter to be putting up with such an emotional abuser. No one deserves to be treated like that.

      I agree with Carool. He spews without thinking about what he's saying. I feel sure he doesn't mean it, but that doesn't make it easier to hear or right for him to say it.

      Hugs. Living with or around a hothead is very, very difficult. I wish you both peace and love ... and suggest counseling might be in order for your daughter and her abuser/husband.

      over 5 years ago
    • TXHills' Avatar
      TXHills

      This, unfortunately, is classic emotional abuse. The abuser tries to isolate the victim from friends, family and others who care. He is pointing out that she will not have anyone but him after you are not around, which is exactly what he wants, apparently.
      You have a couple of options, including suggesting counseling or giving her (privately) information on the local battered women's shelter. You do NOT have to excuse his hurtful words. Be honest and shine a light on this abuse for what it is. What to do about it is her choice.
      If you can, stay connected with her and keep communication open. Even if she reports hurtful things. What he says tells us nothing about her or about you, but gives us a clear picture of who he is. So try not to take it personally. She is, in a way, asking if this is normal or acceptable and you can make it clear that it is not and that she does not have to continue to be abused. You can be a lifeline back to sanity and dignity for her. She needs to know that someone cares about her, someone knows what is happening and that she is not crazy or confused or a bad person.
      I'm sorry you and your daughter have this burden at this time, but the first step towards change is calling things what they are. That can clarify what action is best.

      over 5 years ago
    • geekling's Avatar
      geekling

      He is exhibiting psychotic behavior. We have no way of knowing why your daughter puts up with this but she needs help too. For you, this can be a sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me situation.

      I would not want such a person in my house. I cant imagine why your daughter would tell you this except that he has her in some sort of emotional chains. I dont know if you are strong enough but I would get this out in the open and if he can say it to you, demand that he not ever be in your view again. Abusers are usually cowards. My guess is that he would deny ever saying such a thing and then make your daughter miserable when they got home.

      Is this a marriage that can be saved by counceling?

      Im so sorry that you have one more thing with which to deal on top of everything else.

      I had a doctor tell me that I would not ever be well, no matter what I did. I backed him out of my hospital room telling him what a despicable moron he was, rwminding him he wasnt a god, but, I did not forget what he said. He is likely preying on other weakened folks as I write.

      A middle finger salute to that creep. I have no named diseases but I had to work hard to get his words out of my head. Had that creepazoid been a relative, I still would not have seen him again.

      Best wishes for this all to straighten out and improve in the new year.

      over 5 years ago
    • Maddy61's Avatar
      Maddy61

      Lynne: Years ago I had to deal with an abusive boyfriend of my youngest sister and the only way it got resolved was for me to threaten to take her daughter out of fear of this guy, and I moved them 2 blocks from me, across the street from the cop shop and had a patrol car checking on her (the mayor was a personal friend). Of course this was many years before cancer..... You know I was just thinking - was he like this before he lost his niece? If not maybe he needs grief counseling but that still is not an excuse.

      It is a shame that at this time, instead of being supportive to your daughter whose mother is battling a disease, he is being abusive. And as these wise women have said, this is abuse. What can you do? Not a lot unfortunately. I don't know if there are children involved, or violence. I read somewhere that on average an abused woman will return to an abuser 4 times.

      I am sorry you are dealing with this at this time; and that your daughter has not found a supportive, loving partner. Yes, you are still her mother, she needs your support. However, you need peace. It's a delicate tightrope to walk. Remember, your first responsibility is to yourself. This is stress you don't need.

      Lastly, and I don't know if this helps, but karma is a b i t c h. He should look both ways before he crosses a street. Prayers and hugs, Lynne. Please take care of yourself.

      over 5 years ago
    • Ejourneys' Avatar
      Ejourneys

      As others have said, this is classic abuse and it is unacceptable. There is absolutely no excuse for it. I am very sorry you and your daughter are both experiencing this. Please do whatever you need to take care of yourself. I hope your daughter can get help as well.

      over 5 years ago
    • DJS's Avatar
      DJS

      This really has nothing to do with you, although because you are dealing with cancer it feels like it does. You're merely being used as a tool here. Your daughter is in an abusive relationship, and she is dragging you into it. There was absolutely no reason for her to repeat that remark to you. Her motive here puzzles me: Was it to ask you for help getting her out of this relationship? Was it to show you that she is a victim? Was it to make you a victim, too? I don't know your daughter's history here, but I would tell her that right now you can't help her with her marital problems because you have your hands full dealing with cancer, stress makes your situation worse, and she's going to need to handle these things on her own right now. She has options -- marital counseling, personal counseling, calling friends, calling a lawyer, calling a domestic abuse hotline, putting all his stuff on the lawn and getting a restraining order, etc. -- but you have to put yourself first right now, and can't be her first line of defense. She has to put on her Big Girl Panties and know that it's time she dealt with her problems instead of dumping them on her sick mom who can't do anything but worry. (Sometimes you have to think less like a mom and more like a person with cancer who needs to put herself first. You're dealing with an adult woman here. Help her be an adult, so she can help you be a cancer patient.)

      over 5 years ago
    • GregP_WN's Avatar
      GregP_WN

      Sounds like an idiot to me that needs a talking to from someone that he should not have the option of not listening to. Or as we say in the South, an "attitude adjustment".

      over 5 years ago
    • DonnaSue's Avatar
      DonnaSue

      Hey Lynne, my ex was like that. Because of his past and his psychiatric problems, counseling would not work with him. His pattern was to change counselors until he found one that agreed with him. Publicly he was the nicest person so what happened privately would not be believed by anyone. I took the verbal and emotional abuse, and the isolation, until I found the strength to break away. Your daughter may have to break away. I wish someone in my life had seen what the truth was, and told me firmly what it was and what to do about it.

      over 5 years ago
    • gonewest's Avatar
      gonewest

      Hi Lynne. I would ask daughter what she wanted me to do with this information. Would she like to speak further on this issue? Is she in any way afraid of him? This could be awkward but I would check for bruises on her body. She has made this your business by telling you about his bizarre statements. It could be her cry for help. Does she have kids who might shed some light? Ask her if the kids are around during these incidents. Ask her to record him when he does this. It's easy to set a cell phone to record the audio and just hide the phone in a pocket or put it in an inconspicuous place but she needs to be prepared to do this. People who do this stuff rely on the secrecy surrounding it - like doing it when it's just the two of them. Get the evidence. That's what I would do. Then go from there. Love!, Chris

      over 5 years ago
    • BoiseB's Avatar
      BoiseB

      First I want to I am so saddened by your daughter's situation. If I were given the opportunity to end one of the world's evils. It would be domestic abuse. That your daughter even mentioned this to you is a good sign. Getting out of an abusive relationship is the most difficult thing in the world to do. Your daughter needs counseling but those caught in abusive situations rarely get counseling because the abuser has already convinced them that it is "all their fault" You mentioned that "he shouldn't be using cancer as a punishment" The important thing is he should not be using anything as a "punishment" not cancer, not her relatives, not his fists. If you can get in touch with a local advocacy group. Please do so.
      Here is a link to an organization that might be of help to you
      http://abuseintervention.org/help/friend-family/

      over 5 years ago
    • Rolltidelynne's Avatar
      Rolltidelynne

      ysll are all right - he is immature, controlling, speaks before he thinks, mean spirited, goes for meaniest most hurtful situations, he has a dr Je kyl / mr Hyde thing going:( yes there is a child. He started being possessive during my SCT. He likes being a martyr. He tells her n everyone around him that he WANTS her to be my rock...but if she goes to a dr visit or anything she catches grief!! Jealousy. She stays CUZ she doesn't believe she can do better , he has drilled that in her head! She begged for counseling n he went one time. When the counselor suggested he wasn't listening he smiled n gave her heck in the truck going home:( it has been physical lately.
      It's HARD to watch n I needed your advice that it really is abuse for her and hateful towards me. I have been doing the words can't hurt me thing but yesterday it just FLEW all over me!! I also now get why she's always worried I'm going to die!!!! I realized that in the middle of the night:( She scared she will be really alone:(( I've got to get her help!! Thank YALL for helping me see clearer!! I DO need YALL to keep my mind thinking clearly CUZ being alone I need YALL to bounce ideas off of:) thank you

      over 5 years ago
    • BoiseB's Avatar
      BoiseB

      DJS telling a person trapped in an abusive situation to solve their own problems is like telling a cancer patient to cure themselves. They are trapped in that situation and they need help to get out. I have been in a very legal toxic relationship. And I would rather have five stage IV cancers than ever be in that situation again. And I would never want my son or daughter to be in that situation

      over 5 years ago
    • Rolltidelynne's Avatar
      Rolltidelynne

      BoiseB unless someone has lived it they really can't wrap their heads around it:( DJS ! BOISEB is absolutely right though...there are no simple solutions CUZ it's so tangles, fearful, sometimes dangerous!! Like maddy said extra precaution for safety has to be done more than not when one leaves an abusive relationship! There are control issues and I really do believe some mental issues at play:( then top it off if they are bipolar or dr he kyl/ mr Hyde and seem genuinely sorry after the damage has been done!!! It's a mind blowing way to live! You don't know what's up, down, sideways,....horrible!! How do I know? I had to go through women's shelter w my 3 children. That's why I can't believe we are repeating THIS!!!:(( I WANTED so much better for my only daughter:(( Thank God my boys are good men w loving women n do not exhibit their fathers behavior!!

      over 5 years ago
    • gonewest's Avatar
      gonewest

      If he has already been physical with her do not confront him. If there are weapons in the house she needs to hide them or put them somewhere else entirely. I agree with Boise. You're still her mother even though you have cancer.

      over 5 years ago
    • meyati's Avatar
      meyati

      He's an abuser- You need to point that out to her. She's probably hiding a lot of things. She's taking her anger and hurt out on you. Almost every town has a hotline for abused women. She needs to connect with a councilor. If he follows her to the doctor--She can take a ball pen and make a seeable dot in the palm of her hand. That's the code for -help this person is abusing me. I need help. If your daughter isn't ready or willing to get help, that's her problem. Tell her, "It's not my problem. You need help. Go talk to a councilor."

      Don't give them the satisfaction of seeing you cry. By the way- do you live together, or do you have your own digs?

      over 5 years ago
    • BoiseB's Avatar
      BoiseB

      Lynne Sorry about the link for some reason I got your geographic location all mixed up I thought you lived in Wisconsin
      I am sure there are similar organizations in your state.

      over 5 years ago
    • DJS's Avatar
      DJS

      BoiseB -- I am saying her mother with cancer cannot help her at this time; it is too much to ask of a cancer patient. There are other places and people who can help her, but to add this stress to her mom at this time exacerbates her illness. To pass on that remark at this time was inappropriate; all it could do was pass the hurt on. She needs to go to someone that can help her, and that person is not her mom who is in treatment for a life-threatening illness.

      As I said in my initial answer: "She has options -- marital counseling, personal counseling, calling friends, calling a lawyer, calling a domestic abuse hotline, putting all his stuff on the lawn and getting a restraining order, etc. -- but you have to put yourself first right now, and can't be her first line of defense." For more context, read my entire answer.

      over 5 years ago
    • Carool's Avatar
      Carool

      Now that I actually read all the responses, I understand that simply telling your daughter, Rolltidelynne, to not repeat his vile comments isn't enough - and that your daughter may be in real danger. I can't add to the great advice others gave here, but I did want to say this. I wish you the best.

      over 5 years ago
    • gonewest's Avatar
      gonewest

      Sometimes, when children are exposed to this kind of crisis they polarize from the behavior, like your sons. Sometimes they choose a "do-over". This is when they get involved with someone who behaves like the original abuser and then try for a different outcome. It's a trap.

      over 5 years ago
    • judyinflorida's Avatar
      judyinflorida

      I think both your daughter and son-in-law are using you as an excuse not to deal with their problems. Let your daughter know that even if your physical presence is no longer available, you will always be her guardian angel. She can still talk to you anytime she needs to and she need not ever fear being without you..
      As far as the abuse goes, your daughter will have to find the strength to do something herself. Only SHE knows what is really happening. She might be exaggerating, looking for sympathy, or she may be in REAL trouble. She can get counseling without him if he refuses to go. If the counselor feels she is at risk (either physically or mentally, or both) the counselor will refer her appropriately. As much as we love our adult children, they must have the strength to take the first step. If their CHILD is at any risk call child protective services immediately!

      Your job as a parent never ends, but there is only so much you can do. I say that having been a social services caseworker for many years. Right now you must take care of your own health and try not to get drawn too far into this drama they are presenting. As long as your daughter knows you are there for her, you've done the best you can do. Take care of yourself first or you can never take care of others. I wish you the best.

      over 5 years ago
    • meyati's Avatar
      meyati

      I would discourage talking- don't say- you can talk to me anytime you want. That gives the daughter permission and to feel welcome in dumping on her mother. It can be like whatever it is that holds the water in the Great Lakes to open up and wash away everthing-inclunding the Twin Cities, New Orleans, even flood Mexico and the Carib. Don't enable your daughter to continue on this way. I will add that stats say that it takes about 3 attempts to escape an abusive relationship. probably the best way to handle this is to keep asking the daughter, "What are you going to do about it?" Do like the Native Americans here do- give the problem back to the person that has it-- What will she do about this? Don't tell me, I can't do anything about it.

      over 5 years ago
    • BoiseB's Avatar
      BoiseB

      Lynne you mentioned you have two sons. Do they know the seriousness of the situation. Can they help their sister?
      No one really knows how hard it is to get out of this kind of situation part of your very self has been killed no killed would indicate that there was something to kill. This type of person erases everything your. You can keep your job but not your paycheck. Anything you have worked for is either sold or given away. You must get permission to purchase clothing and then it is his choice. And he makes sure that you feel you deserve whatever punishment he chooses to give out. Your daughter is lucky she has a mother she can at least talk to. I could never have told my mother about my problems because she would have yelled at me and called me stupid to have made such a choice. She did help me out when he finally left and I was able to get restraining orders but she never let me forget it.

      over 5 years ago
    • judyofthesouth's Avatar
      judyofthesouth

      I am so sorry about your situation with your daughter. Her toxic husband should not become your problem. Fighting your battle with cancer is enough! If your daughter is the only family member who can help you with doctor visits, care, etc...you will have to deal with her. If you have any other family members or close friends who can assist you let them fill in some time. I don't have children or family to help me, so I pay a younger lady to take me to doctors/treatments, etc. I didn't want me siblings involved with this. It helps me to be independent. Don't get me wrong, my siblings love me, but they have children spouses, and other responsibilities of their own.
      I have a brother-in-law who can be "toxic" at times. I just avoid him as much as possible. He's always been this way even before I got sick.
      I wish you the best!

      over 5 years ago
    • ItsMeJennifer's Avatar
      ItsMeJennifer

      He is one really immature man. He definitely has control issues with a little mean streak thrown in. He wants your daughter to think that she HAS to stay with him and do what he wants because she won't have anyone else if you die. Horrible on so many levels. Seems to me that the best thing for your daughter would be to go see a counselor and get some advice. He may not be physically abusing her but he definitely is emotionally abusing her. It is tempting to say you should talk directly with him but he is so immature that he may take it out on your daughter.

      over 5 years ago
    • lynniepoo's Avatar
      lynniepoo

      Hi Lynne
      I am so sorry you are going thru this. After your diagnosis, your ex and now this??? It really is a horrible situation. I agree with everyone that this is 100% emotional abuse of both you and your daughter. Are your sons close by where you could all get together and discuss this ? If that's not a possibility to get their help then counseling for sure. If he refuses then you and your daughter go so SHE understands what this is doing to her and you. She needs to decide why she puts up with this behavior and how hurtful it is to you. I can't imagine AnYONE saying that to anyone. As stated above, unfortunately he says it to her and he knows he is hurting her thru you. She told you probably cuz she was at a loss as to how to deal with it. She needs help and you need to understand that he is a jerk. Does your oncology office have counsellors to help you and may give you some direction?
      Please try to get help from some direction as you don't need to deal with this. As cancer patients we have more than enough we have to deal with. You are a wonderful supportive and fantastic part of our family here at What next. Get help so we know you are okay!!!

      over 5 years ago
    • meyati's Avatar
      meyati

      Stay out of the counseling-you don't need this additional stress and emotional baggage. #1 your daughter needs to talk freely-and this might include feelings and actions of your sons and yourself. A daughter says that I was abusive because I didn't buy her white patient leather Mary Jane shoes. She was 10, and we lived in a rainy swampy area of Georgia with red mud everywhere. The only girls that had these shoes were future debutantees that had a "Mammy" to follow them around and clean up. Counseling can be extremely emotional-and not all counselors are not equal or like what we see on TV. Some are idiots.

      How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? None, because the light bulb must want to change. Why do people stop smoking, gambling, or another destructive behaviour? They are ready to change. They have a goal, a vison of the future-and they kick whatever it is. Your daughter must want to change. That's why I keep saying you should ask her what is she going to do about it? Some of the others seem to be talking about an intervention-that's fine. But I worry about your health and nerves, if you are in the intervention.

      over 5 years ago
    • BoiseB's Avatar
      BoiseB

      Lynne I keep being bothered by the words "he can't wait for you to die" and your mom is going to die" these seem to be threatening. I would be very frightened about this. These things have a way of escalating from brushing you "accidently" with live cigarettes, to "accidently tripping you on the steps followed by a comment on how clutsy you are. It takes no time for this to develop into a broken face and dislocated jaw.
      I would not be alone in the house with him. Notify a friend or neighbor when he comes to visit.
      There are those here who say you should blow your daughter off. I know you cannot and if you did it would cause you more stress. You don't need to take your daughter with you to get support. (Notice I said SUPPORT not counseling ) Is there a support group in your town. If not that is there a hotline. People on the hotlines have some training but most of all they have experienced what you are going through

      over 5 years ago
    • meyati's Avatar
      meyati

      You say that he never directly says these things to you, but your daughter says that he says these things. Do you actually hear him saying these things? Just wondering- this is a cruel thing to say- but maybe he doesn't say yhrese things.

      Boise is correct about problems-but I will add they could come from either him or her. I met a nurse that had about 6 sisters. The mother, in her 80s, complained that sweet loving Dad pushed her into the corners that stuck out. He'd say that he tripped, she hurt herself..She claimed that he shoved her when she had to step up or down on the few steps. Only one daughter took her in. They couldn't believe that he wrapped his hand in a towel and slapped her on her body- hardly any bruising. I came in with a useless right arm, because my husband wrapped his hand in a towel and punched my breast biopsy that caused the RSD.. The bruises showed up about 2 weeks later when he was out of town. I told how I would find a corner to do crunches, push ups, etc. And he'd walk towards me and step on me or kick me. He'd smiile and say that he was sorry-he tripped. The nurse told me about her mother, and the doctor explained that lots of abuse is preplanned. Not done in an anger fit, no alcohol, no fight, and he treated many older women that were treated this way by a spouse or their children. She grabbed the phone and called her sister. She asked forgiveness, and if she could go over that night and make peace with her mother. People think that old women are making it up, making excuses for the legs not working right- meds, etc. So, be careful of both of them.

      over 5 years ago

    Help the community by answering this question:

    Create an account to post your answer Already have an account? Sign in!

    By using WhatNext, you agree to our User Agreement, and Privacy Policy


    Read and answer more multiple myeloma questions.  Also, don't forget to check out our Multiple Myeloma page.