• Dealing with VERY HURTFUL comments

    Asked by Rolltidelynne on Wednesday, December 30, 2015

    Dealing with VERY HURTFUL comments

    I need advice, help, anything YALL can suggest so I don't end up doing something I might regret:( Maddie, Lynne, BoiseB - YALL are wise, witty, n my friends on here, I need y'all's opinions!
    My son in law , when he's upset w my daughter tells her he can't wait for me to die n she wouldn't have anyone or your mom is going to die soon n you won't have anyone!! He went through cancer w his NEICE who passed from Hodgkin's in the last few months, so he shouldn't use cancer as a punishment, but I digress:( He has done this for the last year. I tell my daughter it's just words - he's mad and you're his whipping post so he uses your worst fears n hurts you that way! Why they stay together idk:( But this morning those words hurt ME not just for my daughter, but WHY do I have to excuse his hurtful words when their fight is over? I HATED he feels so free to callously use my future death!! What would you do? How would YOU feel? No he never says directly to me, I get how much he loves me!?!?!

    31 Answers from the Community

    31 answers
    • meyati's Avatar
      meyati

      Stay out of the counseling-you don't need this additional stress and emotional baggage. #1 your daughter needs to talk freely-and this might include feelings and actions of your sons and yourself. A daughter says that I was abusive because I didn't buy her white patient leather Mary Jane shoes. She was 10, and we lived in a rainy swampy area of Georgia with red mud everywhere. The only girls that had these shoes were future debutantees that had a "Mammy" to follow them around and clean up. Counseling can be extremely emotional-and not all counselors are not equal or like what we see on TV. Some are idiots.

      How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? None, because the light bulb must want to change. Why do people stop smoking, gambling, or another destructive behaviour? They are ready to change. They have a goal, a vison of the future-and they kick whatever it is. Your daughter must want to change. That's why I keep saying you should ask her what is she going to do about it? Some of the others seem to be talking about an intervention-that's fine. But I worry about your health and nerves, if you are in the intervention.

      over 5 years ago
    • BoiseB's Avatar
      BoiseB

      Lynne I keep being bothered by the words "he can't wait for you to die" and your mom is going to die" these seem to be threatening. I would be very frightened about this. These things have a way of escalating from brushing you "accidently" with live cigarettes, to "accidently tripping you on the steps followed by a comment on how clutsy you are. It takes no time for this to develop into a broken face and dislocated jaw.
      I would not be alone in the house with him. Notify a friend or neighbor when he comes to visit.
      There are those here who say you should blow your daughter off. I know you cannot and if you did it would cause you more stress. You don't need to take your daughter with you to get support. (Notice I said SUPPORT not counseling ) Is there a support group in your town. If not that is there a hotline. People on the hotlines have some training but most of all they have experienced what you are going through

      over 5 years ago
    • meyati's Avatar
      meyati

      You say that he never directly says these things to you, but your daughter says that he says these things. Do you actually hear him saying these things? Just wondering- this is a cruel thing to say- but maybe he doesn't say yhrese things.

      Boise is correct about problems-but I will add they could come from either him or her. I met a nurse that had about 6 sisters. The mother, in her 80s, complained that sweet loving Dad pushed her into the corners that stuck out. He'd say that he tripped, she hurt herself..She claimed that he shoved her when she had to step up or down on the few steps. Only one daughter took her in. They couldn't believe that he wrapped his hand in a towel and slapped her on her body- hardly any bruising. I came in with a useless right arm, because my husband wrapped his hand in a towel and punched my breast biopsy that caused the RSD.. The bruises showed up about 2 weeks later when he was out of town. I told how I would find a corner to do crunches, push ups, etc. And he'd walk towards me and step on me or kick me. He'd smiile and say that he was sorry-he tripped. The nurse told me about her mother, and the doctor explained that lots of abuse is preplanned. Not done in an anger fit, no alcohol, no fight, and he treated many older women that were treated this way by a spouse or their children. She grabbed the phone and called her sister. She asked forgiveness, and if she could go over that night and make peace with her mother. People think that old women are making it up, making excuses for the legs not working right- meds, etc. So, be careful of both of them.

      over 5 years ago

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