• DNR (Do not resesitate)

    Asked by cuddles456 on Saturday, September 27, 2014

    DNR (Do not resesitate)

    My 18 year old daughter is not doing well and very weak. In Hospital can't make decisions, and palliative/Hospice. I have Power of Attorney.She has mets to her lungs very badly spread, has had no Chemo in the past 3 months. The Doctors wants me to sign a DNR and I don't know what to do. My daughter can't make decisions because of her conditions. Has any one have a DNR and how did you make this decision, especially for a family member. Doctor says that if they conduct a CPR because of her weaknesses, rib bones may break and cause other major problems, brain damage, lung issues, etc. I am not sure what the benefits or disadvantages are/or should I make a decision to complete a DNR. I know it is my decision, but I feel that if they complete CPR should would live, but I don't know in what condition. They have her sedative with insomnia meds and anxiety meds in addition to pain medication that my daughter is very out of it.

    36 Answers from the Community

    36 answers
    • lilymadeline's Avatar
      lilymadeline

      What a terrible decision to have to make for your 18 year child!!! I am so sorry!!! Neither choice is a good one, and whichever you choose could have you second guessing yourself for life...at least I would be always worrying that I made the wrong choice. This is so awful and it makes me so sad that you are going through this with your daughter! It is just heartbreaking! Hugs!
      This is what I would do. I would meditate a bit on it, be silent and picture her as she was before she got sick, and then ask her healthy self in your mind what she would choose if she could. And if you are close to any of her friends, maybe discuss it with them as well. You never know, she may have discussed some deep feelings about life with a close friend at one point and that might help you decide as well. Also if you can, call the doctor that she liked the best and felt most comfortable with, or even make an appointment this coming week so that you can speak in person. Great doctors are healers as well, and they do care about their patients. If you could talk it over with a medical professional that knew your daughter, that might help you with the practical decision of the risk of a CPR.
      This is such a hard decision, and honestly I would have a terrible time making it myself because I always believe that where there is life there is hope so of course I would want CPR performed, but on the other hand I wouldn’t want my loved one to suffer and go through the pain of broken ribs and possible internal bleeding or other serious problems either, because it sounds like she already has more going on with her body than it can handle. So I can’t tell you what to decide because I don’t know what I would do. But those are the three things that I would do to help guide me to make the best decision for my daughter. Somewhere the answer is there for you, and I hope that it comes to you quickly! All my love to you and I wish I could do more to help you. God bless! Hugs!

      over 7 years ago
    • barryboomer's Avatar
      barryboomer

      I'd sign the DNR....we are not supposed to suffer needlessly and if she passes and it's her time let GOD have her. Enough is Enough.....she's gone through enough and doesn't need broken ribs etc etc....
      SO SORRY....is she in Hospice Care ?
      Barry

      over 7 years ago
    • Jalemans' Avatar
      Jalemans

      Hi cuddles, I am so sorry for your situation. I am thinking she is already nearing the end of her time here & the DNR would allow her to go. If you don't sign it, she may stay a bit longer, but she probably cannot recover or the doctor would not have advised such a thing. This being the case, would she want her life prolonged in the state she is in (which may worsen if they do perform CPR)? So difficult a decision for you! Whatever you decide remember that you are making the best decision you can at this time & try not to second guess yourself.

      over 7 years ago
    • alimccalli's Avatar
      alimccalli

      As a mother, my heart breaks that you have to make this decision at all. You know your daughter best...spend some time thinking about what she would want you to do. The right answer will come to you. Don't feel pressured into signing it if you aren't comfortable. You have to be at peace with your decision because you will be living with it - not the doctors.

      In your shoes, I would probably sign the DNR and hand it over to God. No matter how much it hurt me, I wouldn't want my sons to suffer in any way, and if this was the last thing I could do for them, I would. It might kill a big part of me, but I would do it.

      My thoughts and prayers are with you, your daughter and your family. Peace and hugs to you...

      over 7 years ago
    • Ejourneys' Avatar
      Ejourneys

      I am so sorry -- what a terrible choice to have to make. I know that you are doing the best you can with so much uncertainty and heartbreak, and that whatever you decide is the best possible decision you can make.

      over 7 years ago
    • Robza's Avatar
      Robza

      My heart is breaking for you! I will pray for your family.

      over 7 years ago
    • ld_105's Avatar
      ld_105

      So sorry you are in this situation. Ask to speak to a social worker or religious counselor at the hospital. They have extensive experience and can assist you with this decision. They can talk you through this decision where the doctors just give you statistics, options, etc.

      over 7 years ago
    • glam's Avatar
      glam

      I am very sorry to read this. ... She is so young. .... oh my Goodness. .....I will keep her and you in my prayers......God bless her and give you the necessary wisdom and serenity to make the right decision......really sad and heart broken....

      over 7 years ago
    • barryboomer's Avatar
      barryboomer

      It's amazing how short our times are on this Planet before we head on home. I believe we are renting these bodies for a short, intense Journey as a Learning Experience. Some are only here for a few years and some are here 90 years but it's all the same. SHORT TIME and then we go home. I'm so sorry about your Daughter but apparently her Journey and Mission only required 18 years and not 90 or 69 like mine. SO.....after we experience Earth we go HOME.....Let her GO....

      over 7 years ago
    • BoiseB's Avatar
      BoiseB

      It is you who will have to live with the decision. If you have any religious conviction discuss this with your pastor or rabbi.
      I am praying for you daughter

      over 7 years ago
    • LiveWithCancer's Avatar
      LiveWithCancer

      Cuddles, you and your daughter have been on my mind and in my heart for weeks. I am so very sorry you are going through this ... I cannot imagine the horror of what you are facing.

      If it was me in your daughter's place, I would want you to sign the DNR. I think that decision is one of the most difficult ever for a family member to make but, as you stated, in what capacity would your precious daughter be alive if she has to be resuscitated? Will she be in horrible pain from broken bones? I don't have a child facing a battle against cancer so your decision is much more difficult. For me personally, I choose quality of life over quantity.

      I am praying for you and your daughter. I pray for peace and wisdom. And for God to hold you both very, very close to His bosom. Please keep us updated.

      over 7 years ago
    • zubsha's Avatar
      zubsha

      You should absolutely make her DNR. It will break your heart to see the suffering resuscitation will inflict and it will add nothing to her longevity. I understand you feel like you are being asked to give them permission to end your daughter's life but really it is permission not to prolong her suffering This is an awful decision and a mother should never have to make it for a daughter but that being said, DNR is the right thing for you to do. God bless you

      over 7 years ago
    • Cocomojoe's Avatar
      Cocomojoe

      I am so so very sorry you are going through this decision. All of our advice and prayers are heart felt but we are not you and your daughter. I am a stage IV cancer survivor. At various times in the oddest ways these discussions about how long to fight, DNR, all those ugly topics have come up through the years with family. Driving my daughter to the movies or a shopping spree, watching a tear jerker movie and I'll just bet at some time your daughter let you know what she would want that would be best for her and you. It will be the hardest decision of your life but know that you are doing it with absolute love and whatever the outcome it will be the best decision for the two of you. Thinking of you and sending a warm hug and lending my shoulder for your tears. Trust.

      over 7 years ago
    • junebug0121's Avatar
      junebug0121

      I know it is so very painful (I have a daughter) to make this decision about the DNR. I believe you should sign it, and loving your child so much, you are giving her the freedom to get her wings and fly when the time comes, where she will have "no more pain and no more tears" God bless you and your sweet daughter.

      over 7 years ago
    • cuddles456's Avatar
      cuddles456

      WOW. I am all so grateful for your responses. God Bless you all.

      over 7 years ago
    • chrismorr's Avatar
      chrismorr

      Cuddles, my heart goes out to you, truly. One piece of information I can add is that when I was in nursing school, I was asked if I wanted to go to a code blue- see a resuscitation ? Of course newbie that I was, I did. But it was a nightmare scene. Not nearly as neat and clean as seen on tv. The poor pt goes through unimaginable physical "abuse". The only way in which I would agree to have this done to me or my loved ones is if there was an actual chance of a good extension of health and life. God bless you both.

      over 7 years ago
    • AmyJo's Avatar
      AmyJo

      I am so sorry you are going through this. This is a decision no parent should have to make and my heart is breaking for you. I have an 18 yr old daughter and I believe if I were in your shoes I would sign the DNR. I would not want her to suffer anymore.
      I am keeping you and your daughter in my prayers and just know that she is surrounded by God's love.

      over 7 years ago
    • NanaL's Avatar
      NanaL

      Sending prayers for wisdom and guidance your way. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. May God comfort you and your daughter during this very difficult time.

      over 7 years ago
    • cam32505's Avatar
      cam32505

      I was the power of attorney for my mother. When they offered hospice, they wanted to hear it from her since she was conscious. So agreed to hospice, but was too weak to sign the papers, so I had to sign for her. They had taken her off her anti-anxiety and anti-depressant meds during the 2+ weeks she had been in the hospital, so we don't think she was in her right mind to make the decision. But, I agreed at that point that it was the right decision, but I'm glad she was able to help make the decision for herself. But, we had many conversations about it before she was so sick. She already had a DNR on file, so hospice was just the next step. I wouldn't hesitate to sign the DNR for your daughter. It's in her best interests. I know it would be hard to do for your child, but as her mother, I know you want what's best for her. It sounds like there's no hope for cure or remission, so why prolong her suffering (and yours).

      over 7 years ago
    • FreeBird's Avatar
      FreeBird

      Horrible decision to have to make. My heart goes out to your family. My dad signed a DNR in the state of Florida. If she's on hospice care, I think that's the way to go. We were advised in Florida that he could rip it up at any time if he changed his mind. He never needed to use it, as the disease progressed to it's final end and he passed away.

      If she's on hospice care, with no further treatment for the cancer, I would sign it with the knowledge that the outcome is not going to change, and that it prevents any additional unnecessary suffering with no benefit at all.

      over 7 years ago
    • BuckeyeShelby's Avatar
      BuckeyeShelby

      In the state of Ohio, there are multiple levels of DNR. In addition to the traditional DNR, there is something called a comfort DNR, which is what we set in place for my mom after her stroke. No CPR or heroic measures, just treatment to keep her comfortable. Mostly meds for pain. She didn't want to go back to the hospital or do the breathing or feeding tubes, IVs, etc. It was hard enough doing that for my 77 yr old mom -- I'm so sorry you have to consider this for your 18 yr old daughter. I wish peace for you both.

      over 7 years ago
    • Rubies' Avatar
      Rubies

      I was recently hospitalized with a small bowel blockage. The Drs. asked me sign a DNR. I said no, that I wanted the full frankenstein. Drs came back with all the dire warnings just like what you heard. I held my ground, even though there were times that I thought death would be better. I recovered. I don't know what will happen with your daughter, but try to reflect on her spirit and chose according to who you know her to be rather than her current situation. In any case, assure your daughter that she will be kept comfortable and as pain free as possible. That is most important - no suffering. I am so sorry that you have to make this decision. My prayers are with you.

      over 7 years ago
    • Hoping4ever's Avatar
      Hoping4ever

      My deepest sympathy and prayer for u .

      over 7 years ago
    • cuddles456's Avatar
      cuddles456

      Rubies and All:, I found your response, Rubies, interesting as you were the only one responding not sign the DNR. What was your reasoning for not signing it considering the affects of broken ribs, etc.? When I went to the Hospital, the Doctor had a meeting with me, and stated that they set up a meeting with the Ethics Committee to decide the issue regarding the DNA for my daughter because the Dr and nurses felt that my daughter was too frail to pursue CPA.. It appears they were pressuring for me to sign because of their professional opinion. I was analyzing it and figuring what to do with the DNR for only 3 to 4 days..They wanted an answer right away. So it appears if I did not sign the DNR, they were going to override my decision if I decide not to sign. What do you all think of this of possibly overriding my decision (if I don't sign the DNR) although I have a Medical Directive and my daughter was unable to speak for herself.

      over 7 years ago
    • barryboomer's Avatar
      barryboomer

      Just because you sign doesn't necessarily mean she will die. Miracles come all the time BUT to have her come back after so much suffering and now possibly more problems in my opinion would be cruel.

      over 7 years ago
    • Rubies' Avatar
      Rubies

      Hello cuddles456. I did not sign the DNR because I wanted the DRs. to know that I would fight for my life. They had told my husband to prepare for the most dire outcome. I felt that signing the DNR would lessen their desire to take all reasonable measures to restore my health. The Dr. who told me I would only have a 24% chance of returning to normal after resuscitation apologized to me. The quality of care improved noticeably because they did not want things to deteriorate to where resuscitation would be needed. I improved. I am at home and happy to be alive.

      over 7 years ago
    • cuddles456's Avatar
      cuddles456

      Thanks for your response, Rubies. It was interesting.

      over 7 years ago
    • lilymadeline's Avatar
      lilymadeline

      Hi Cuddles456,
      Oh wow, were they really telling you that they would go above you head to get the DNR, even if you didn’t sign it? They can’t do that! I’m shocked, and I don’t even know what to say except get a lawyer and call your representative in New Jersey to see what the laws are about this. Also maybe call up a local news organization. That is not their decision and I can’t believe that they are trying to more or less bully you into agreeing with them. I changed my mind entirely, especially after reading Rubies answer, I would not sign and I would call out for help with this to either an attorney and/or politician and the media. I’m so sorry that you going through this! Maybe I misunderstand, but if I do understand correctly and if they are pushing you this hard with such a young daughter, I would be immediately suspicious that they are not doing this out of genuine caring but something else. God bless! Take care and please keep us posted.

      over 7 years ago
    • cuddles456's Avatar
      cuddles456

      I, too, was shocked when they stated they established a Ethics Committee, to decide, or even override a decision when I have Medical Directive, etc. They feel strongly that my daughter will not survive a CPR. They just want to keep her pain free. And do not want to give me time to make a decision. A friend Mother of my son was deadd, and by law they were only to give 2 electrical shocks for his heart to beat. The son did not respond to two shocks, The mother friend of mine yelled out to give him one more electrical shock and she said she would be responsible for the consequences, Medical gave her one more shock, his heart started beating, and no medical problems, etc and he is OK a few years later.

      over 7 years ago
    • barryboomer's Avatar
      barryboomer

      LET HER GO TO GOD......It's TIME
      I have a poignant song about this that I actually wrote before I got sick.
      It's called " A TIME TO LIVE AND A TIME TO DIE.
      Let me know if you'd like to listen to it as it tells what to do.

      over 7 years ago
    • Noureen's Avatar
      Noureen

      My heart is breaking for you. Your daughter and your family will be in my prayers. If I was in your daughters position, I would want my mom to sign it.

      over 7 years ago
    • cuddles456's Avatar
      cuddles456

      OK, Barryb: let me know the song.

      over 7 years ago
    • barryboomer's Avatar
      barryboomer

      Hey Cuddles.....First of all I'm SO SORRY for your horror here.
      I am Certainly NO Expert on Anything.....couldn't get good grades in College and was a total FLOP in the JOB Market. I write songs about what I think about, see and experience....That's it. SO Take this song with a grain of salt. BUT I hope it will clear things up for you which ever way you decide to go. I think this is one of the most important songs GOD has sent me and feel a WONDER that I can do this at all.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-6hgagZYQ4

      Barry

      over 7 years ago
    • cuddles456's Avatar
      cuddles456

      Thanks BarryB: I do appreciate.

      over 7 years ago
    • Mortpes' Avatar
      Mortpes

      Sign the DNR. Always do this in the case of a terminal illness. It helps stop the silly train of endless useless procedures and billing, etc. and helps everyone focus on keeping the patient comfortable. At the same time you should speak with Hospice for coverage.

      over 7 years ago
    • junebug0121's Avatar
      junebug0121

      Barry.. I listed to your song, though it wasn't for me.. and just wanted to say Thank you! Beautiful and so true.

      over 7 years ago

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