• Do any of you get abandoned by friends and family after you're done with treatments?

    Asked by buckhunter on Saturday, June 27, 2020

    Do any of you get abandoned by friends and family after you're done with treatments?

    I am done, I'm not back to "normal" and never will be. I can't do what I used to be able to do. I don't have the strength or stamina to work like I used to but everyone expects me to go right back to doing things for myself like I always have done. Now I can't, I need help doing a few things every now and then and I get nobody to offer and when I ask I've even had them ask why don't I just do it myself? It's frustrating for sure.

    8 Answers from the Community

    8 answers
    • Coloman's Avatar
      Coloman

      I'm still in treatments but I do see that several people that were quick to offer "thoughts and prayers" and say "call me if you need anything" haven't made comments on FB or called, stopped by, or offered to do anything to help a person out. A lot of people are all talk and no action.

      about 1 month ago
    • GregP_WN's Avatar
      GregP_WN

      We all will experience this to some degree.

      about 1 month ago
    • JaneA's Avatar
      JaneA

      A cancer diagnosis reveals who our "real" friends are. Give this a chance, and you're likely to develop an entire new set of friends too. My Facebook friends are now from all over the US - mostly Stage IV rectal cancer survivors like me. We can't depend on anyone to help us looking towards the long term, and especially, now with the pandemic. Hope that things get better for you soon.

      about 1 month ago
    • legaljen1969's Avatar
      legaljen1969

      @JaneA, I have found that the pandemic definitely reduced the number of people who were willing to step in and help. Some may feel it's more helpful to stay away. Staying connected is a huge thing for me.
      You are so right. This sort of diagnosis definitely helps define who the "real" friends are. I had a lot of those "I am here for you. Let me know if you need anything." When I really did need something, there was not a soul to be found. It is very disappointing. I try very hard to be a person of my word. If I make an appointment to do so something, even if its not convenient when the time comes, I will turn myself inside out to make it happen.

      about 1 month ago
    • legaljen1969's Avatar
      legaljen1969

      We also have to remember that the world does not stop with our diagnosis. It becomes our world and that which everything else hinges upon. For others, neither we nor our cancer is the top priority. I do try to remember that. It's still hurtful when people abandon me, but I try to remember that they are not the one who is unwillingly bound to this condition.

      about 1 month ago
    • LiveWithCancer's Avatar
      LiveWithCancer

      @legaljen1969 - that's what I try to remember. I felt so abandoned by the people I felt like were my best friends - others who did dog agility. I was with them all of the time - just about every night of the week plus weekends. After I was diagnosed, they slowly dropped away, mainly because I was "out of sight, out of mind." I don't think they don't care, they just don't think about me because they don't see or hear from me any longer.

      After my son died, I found even fewer friends around. I think they just don't know what to say ... or maybe they are afraid my bad luck will rub off on them... Or maybe they are afraid I'll be a real downer, depressed, unhappy, hard to talk to.

      With that said, a very few (from before) and several (since) have been there and if I ever asked for help, I feel sure I could count on them. I hope they feel the same way about me - that if they need me, I'll be there for them, no matter what the issue is. (Unfortunately, some friends think I have enough on my plate and don't want to "bother" me with their needs. I hate that because I would love to help them however I can. I try to let them know that but I don't know if they believe me!)

      about 1 month ago
    • BuckeyeShelby's Avatar
      BuckeyeShelby

      Waves hand, me! After I ffg finished treatment my mom got really sick, spent a month in ICU and was released to a long term care facility. Started doing better, then had a stroke. She went into hospice a few months later and died July 2, 2014. Sine it was just the 2 if us, I just had her cremated, but the hospice had a memorial service for folks who died previous quarter.

      My best friend knew my mom - we went to high school together. I asked if she'd go with me, soccer mom had to soccer mom. Not even a game, just a function. Upset me quite a bit. I just avoided her for awhile. Eventually I thought we'd patched stuff up. But then she accused me of trying to hurt her and texted she was done with me. Tied it back to how it wasn't her fault that she couldn't be there when it was convenient for me, back to mom's memorial. But I really think it ties back to her not being there for any of my treatment. And I didn't hound her. She had a HS kid in soccer. Think it was the guilt...

      about 1 month ago
    • legaljen1969's Avatar
      legaljen1969

      @BuckeyeShelby, I am so sorry to see this story about your best friend. I cannot imagine how much it hurt not to have someone to go with you to the memorial service. Does her child know you? I would certainly think so if you all were best friends. The lesson she taught her child is one that won't soon be erased- that it is okay to abandon your friend if you have something more fun to do.
      And saying she couldn't be there when it was "convenient" for you? WHAT?? Yes, I am sure your mother's memorial service was so "convenient" for you. And your treatment? Yes, such celebratory convenient life events. Give me a break. It always amazes me how people will put it back on you when they do wrong. I am just so done with people sometimes.

      about 1 month ago

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