• Does anyone ever feel guilty for still be afraid?I am grateful to be cancer free.but my life has changed ,I'm in constant pain and fear of

    Asked by Jeaniemarie on Monday, February 1, 2016

    Does anyone ever feel guilty for still be afraid?I am grateful to be cancer free.but my life has changed ,I'm in constant pain and fear of

    My husband of 18 yrs had an affair,I wouldn't even think about sex,felt like a freak show and was so XXX tired for the 1st yr after
    I don't want to sound vain,I just don't feel pretty or like a real woman.now it's been so long since I've been sexually active I need to use a dialater,anyone have these feelings of being diferent than other women?

    15 Answers from the Community

    15 answers
    • geekling's Avatar


      I havent yet "resolved" the issue either.

      Please let me know if and when you do.

      over 3 years ago
    • Jeaniemarie's Avatar

      I wasn't interested in using a dialater,I mean having sex with someone I've known for 18 yrs terrified me,I'll never be with someone new there is just no way.but the scar tissue is bad and the dr can't examine me thru rally unless I use it...I am going to be alone til I die and that's ok,I hate that the dr yells at me for that XXX dialatoe

      over 3 years ago
    • Leo4life's Avatar

      I understand how you feel. My husband also had an affair and Im done with the marriage. 20 yrs down the drain but I feel better without the stress. Im still afraid of the cancer returning and I really have no interest in sex anymore, don't feel pretty anymore, etc. I would love a hug but it isn't worth getting from a person that doesn't understand what the true meaning of intimacy is and really doesn't love you. It took me a long time but I'm grateful for the good times and glad I don't have to continue being unhappy with someone who didn't love me enough to at least be there for me (at least as a friend & mother of his children) to help me get through a very hard time in my life. It will get better for you I promise. I still come to tears when they want to take some blood but let all of the negative things go and embrace the life you have. You are alive and Im grateful to be able to give you my message.

      over 3 years ago
    • barryboomer's Avatar

      We can have good sex without anybody but US....and it's usually better and way less complicated. Who needs a Mate IF they S u C k...?

      over 3 years ago
    • BoiseB's Avatar

      Jeanie Marie I was just about to post that same question. I haven't slept for four nights because of fear. Mine is not related to sex, but I am definitely "freaking out" I am now waiting for my Dr. to call with a prescription for a mild sedative. I am angry that I have had to do that, Does your center have counseling? My medical canter has a counseling department with counselors particularly trained in cancer issues. One is a certified medical hypnotist that helped me a lot. Perhaps this your Dr. can recommend a mild sedative to take when you need to use the dilatator. If you have religious issues with the dilatator you should speak with your pastor. Our congregation has a medical ministry for medical professionals, mostly nurses.
      I really hope my thoughts help you.

      over 3 years ago
    • CAS1's Avatar

      There are Dr's..female that can help you regain sexual activity if this is what you want to achieve they are usually GYNE Dr's.

      I say this all the time..if you want to feel better why not try volunteering at a shelter or for children fighting cancer..This help me realize whats important in life.. It makes me very humble and grateful. Beauty is only skin deep and sometimes not even that much.

      also try meditation with important affirmations every day. Life can be hard but you don't have to be. You can be soft in your heart and happy.

      over 3 years ago
    • NNN's Avatar

      I use to worry and think too much at the beginning. One day few months back I said to my self;
      What am I going to change if I keep on thinking and being afraid that it will come back?
      My answer was; NOTHING...so move on and live your life and if it comes back, then I'll deal with it....

      Now a days, It comes on my mind when I open my emails and see notifications from Whatnext website...and of course right before my appointments with the doctor...otherwise, I think I have moved on..

      over 3 years ago
    • Alainest's Avatar

      Me and my husband has not had sex for over 5-6 months because he says he doesn't want to hurt me. My thoughts are he is no longer sexually attracted to me. I ask and he politely says he is not that shallow and he loves me no matter what, I can only believe that so much, now that it has been over a year since all of my treatments and I feel better still no loving going on even if I start to try he has an excuse or is to tired or just will not shower after working (construction job). Yea I feel like he is cheating on me and finds me in attractive personally I do not feel aroused by him either. But of course he will accept oral sex from me!! And I get nothing. We just did it once and a half in over a year plus since being diagnosis in October 2014. So I don't feel sexy or attractive and paranoid my husband is cheating on me which in turn keeps us from regaining intimacy again.

      over 3 years ago
    • geekling's Avatar

      For me, I dont give a rag's rear end about a speculum.

      I do not know how to ever forgive myself for being so stupid and listening to radiologist lies. I was smart enough to raise the question but it did not matter after all because I was stupid enough to be lulled by fairytales.

      There are more nerve endings for arousal than for anything else in the human body. We are supposed to be sexual beings. Im not into pain. I did (specifically) not wish to be revirginized. The greedy frixking dastards did not give a fig for my wishes for my remaining life. Lorena Bobbitt may have exacted a very fair revenge.

      But vengeance is far less preferrable than a life which simply is able to express physical love. Desire unsatisfied is a great cruelty. To force pleasure to be replaced by pain is simply what the Nazis did in their rush to rape & pillage and murder.

      Yes, I am grateful for my life but not to the men who lied to me and humiliated me and ignored me and forced me to be in this position.

      I am unwilling to say never or to lose hope but my upset at being mistreated and misused is a bottomless sea of loss. I am desolate and, in truth, do not know where or how to seek confort. I would like to fall in love but the tools are destroyed.

      I have no wish to be Buddha but a little inner peas would be nice. If youvarent having sex, you have forgotten how to love.

      over 3 years ago
    • meyati's Avatar

      geekling, I'm scared of having someone really kiss me. My lip doesn't hurt, unless someone touches it. To say that you don't love if you don't have sex isn't very nice- you said, "If youvarent having sex, you have forgotten how to love." Love has many manisfestations, intimate sex with your lover rates very high on the love list, as does the pure love of a mother for her new baby. That always turned me on-it's different than the love I had for my skinny, scraggily bearded tee-aged son. I would have died to protect my children at any age, even now. Love is so great that sex is only one aspect. I had a few years where I didn't believe in any love-that it was an illusion.

      over 3 years ago
    • emerald's Avatar

      you are ALL so VERY VERY RIGHT!!
      I DIDNT ASK TO BE A VIRGIN AGAIN...I never even dreamed that this would be one of the rotten side effects from treatment!
      Havent we suffered enough?! . . . I always come across that everythings good & tonight when I read the above I just had to let it out! sorry if I offended anyone, but I am so over it.
      the above ;problems and aches and joint problems no sleep and JUST NOT THE SAME PERSON ANYMORE :(

      over 3 years ago
    • Razmataz's Avatar

      XXX yes ive had thoughts and fears of cancer returnin 9 months after chemo/radiation still having pain and early fatigue. I feel that im expected to return to how i use to be. I often say to people when the cancer returns in my conversations with close friends. They kinda freak out but its helped me to accept the possibility. Tired of the pain and anxiety. Sometime take lorazapam to help with the anxiety.

      over 3 years ago
    • Alainest's Avatar

      Hello peeps still married and still no sex!!! But to get real honest again I really have no desire anymore. My husband assures me my health and well being is most supreme overw any sexual interest he may want and at this stage needs. I am I just turning a blind eye to what can be a bigger problem? As they say ignorance is bliss.

      about 3 years ago
    • meyati's Avatar

      Alainest-there are men like that--true to their love. Then there are men that get lots of sex with a very willing partner, and they run around. Love him deeply for being with you and smiling at you.

      about 3 years ago
    • Gmomcath's Avatar

      Don't know how old this post is but decided to join in. At 68 years of age and dealing with this diagnoses since 2012 I am worn out. Had a re-occurrence in May Radiation, 32 treatments ending in August and now seeing the Surgeon on Thursday as I think more lesions are popping up. Trying to stay positive but very scared I may need more surgery.

      4 months ago

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