• Does anyone feel annoyed?

    Asked by Jalemans on Thursday, July 10, 2014

    Does anyone feel annoyed?

    Watch him while I have chemo...

    I wish people understood. I haven't worked for months, so something like a grocery gift card would be much more helpful than flowers. Someone giving me a break & taking Munchkin to the park for an hour would be heaven. Cancer is something I have, not who I am, & frankly I am not happy about it. I don't want cancer shirts or pins or a million books about cancer -- I don't want to think about it every second. Maybe if & when I feel like a survivor, I will sport a small token, but I don't want cancer to define me even if it kills me! Instead people, invite me out for coffee or lunch!

    I know I sound like the B of all time. But, really, does anyone share my feelings?

    19 Answers from the Community

    19 answers
    • cam32505's Avatar
      cam32505

      Nobody knows how it feels to be sick for such a long time, unless they've experienced it themselves. Many years ago, my sister was in a serious car accident. I took care of her child while she was in the hospital (9 weeks), got her set up when she came home, grocery shopped, did her laundry, cut her grass (and all my own chores at my house), and still took care of her child. Recently, she told me she just wanted to get out of the house. She was in a wheelchair, so that would have been an ordeal with everything else I was handling for her. But, sometimes we get a little selfish when we're sick. Just ask someone to take you out for lunch. I agree that you could use cash, gift cards for useful stores/gas stations, etc.

      over 5 years ago
    • ld_105's Avatar
      ld_105

      Yes, I think many of us can understand your feelings. I chose to tell a few people at work and now a year later I still get the question, "How are youuuu?" I know co-workers are trying to be supportive but some days I feel like I have a C tattooed on my forehead. Hang in there.

      over 5 years ago
    • GregP_WN's Avatar
      GregP_WN

      yep, common feelings. Most people just don't know exactly what to do or even how to do it when it comes to doing something for us. They don't know how we will react lots of times. We have a blog post on our blog page here is a link to the article>>https://www.whatnext.com/content/blog/posts/23-nice-things-you-can-do-for-someone-with-cancer You might just forward that article to anyone that asks what can I do for you, or just tell them. The problem is that a lot of people don't ask, they just do something that they think would be nice. I understand your frustrations, most of them are just trying to help though.

      over 5 years ago
    • barryboomer's Avatar
      barryboomer

      That's why I don't tell ANYBODY.....none of their business.
      Once you are branded as a Cancer Patient you are a Marked Man or Women.
      That's why we need to ALL band together in a Cancer Patients UNION and a VOTING Block and use our Clout. Don't know HOW to start it but I LIKE the idea. WE have Huge Numbers and LOTS of Potential Power in Lots of areas.....Any Ideas......sounds very empowering to ME.

      over 5 years ago
    • amontoya's Avatar
      amontoya

      People only understand what you tell them. If you're not expressing your needs then they'll never know. When people ask "is there anything I can do for you?" that's your perfect opportunity to say, yes, you can pick up a few things for me at the store, you can take my kid to the park or whatever else you need. Don't be afraid to ask! I have no issues directing people and telling them what I need. We needed food, my father in law made us meat for the week and we managed the sides. When it came to rides, my mother in law came for a week and drove back and forth to chemo. Money is a little bit more difficult but if you need help you have to ask. My mother in law paid our rent one month, my boss paid our rent one month and I borrowed money from my mother. If the people you're talking about are real then they will step up and do whatever you ask. Don't be shy!

      over 5 years ago
    • lilymadeline's Avatar
      lilymadeline

      I do! But you have to tell people what you need, although honestly that can be difficult because people tend to give to others what they can or what they think you need- but not what is necessarily needed sometimes, ugh! So if somebody asks you " what can I do to help" then that is your opportunity to tell them!

      over 5 years ago
    • ITLBOK's Avatar
      ITLBOK

      People don't get it. They aren't supposed to! COMMUNICATE! It makes it easier! If they are there, they want to help. Everyone is different. Be true to yourself and help them help you.

      over 5 years ago
    • HOBO's Avatar
      HOBO

      Everyone is different and as my treatment progressed, my needs changed. You cannot expect folks to know without you sharing. Most want to do what you want. Funny you mention flowers. I had one week I received five deliveries. My bedroom dresser no longer had room bit I loved it. Sure it would have been better to spread it out over five weeks but nonetheless, the sentiment there. I felt love and it sure brightened some very dark days. Even a simple snail mail card brought cheer. I had several friends that sent cards every week. It kept me connected.

      I know it is hard but just speak up.

      Hugs,

      Jane

      over 5 years ago
    • Ejourneys' Avatar
      Ejourneys

      Yep. There is a big difference between people doing something for you (e.g., respecting your needs and wishes) and doing it for them (e.g., feel good they did something, whether or not it's what you want/need). The best one can do is make one's wishes clear.

      over 5 years ago
    • Marianne's Avatar
      Marianne

      Many of the others have said it, but I'm going to be a bit more precise: people are not mind readers. Tell them what you want and need. Or choose one trusted person and make a plan, having that person doing the coordinating, reaching out to get your needs met.
      Good luck.

      over 5 years ago
    • karen92115's Avatar
      karen92115

      I wouldn't say I'm annoyed, but hurt. I have been in a book club with the same five women for about 15 years. Only one has reached out and offered to help me by going to a chemo appointment, picking up something at the store, etc. I see these women every month, and there has been no acknowledgement of my situation by the other four. I was told once that some people aren't comfortable talking about cancer, so I don't bring it up at the book club. But how about if they just mailed a card, even once in the past 4-1/2 years I have been dealing with this.

      over 5 years ago
    • Jalemans' Avatar
      Jalemans

      I was just wondering if anyone felt annoyed by people's ways of reaching out. I am certainly not going to return items to them or complain to them, like "instead of flowers you should have ...". These things are already done & as annoying as some of it is to me, I would never hurt someone's feelings by telling them I would have preferred something else. Done is done. If anyone were to seriously ask, I would certainly communicate what might be nice, but I have found the people asking are few & far between. I know that am fortunate to have many people responding to my situation.

      over 5 years ago
    • Marianne's Avatar
      Marianne

      All the more reason to have one person, someone you trust and who would be willing, to do it, get in touch with people to let them know what you need. I'll give you an example: several months ago. I got an email from a friend of an acquaintance who had just been diagnosed with cancer. That friend had taken my acquaintance's contact list & sent emails, stating (simply) the woman's situation, listing the things she needed, (food prepared, a ride to the doctor, etc). The people your person reaches out to could be friends, relatives, church people... whoever you want. Why waste your time being resentful of people's well-intentioned but off-the-mark expressions of concern? Most people have no idea what you need. It's not their fault. The simple fact that they did anything at all shows they do care. It's up to you to be pro-active, not only regarding your medical professionals, but for your personal comfort & well-being.
      As for your feeling annoyed, that's coming from you, not from anything someone else is doing or not doing. You're angry. You're XXX! It's unfair! We all get it. We all have felt the same way at some point; many still do. It's a normal feeling. Don't just stand by being annoyed. DO something. C'mon. You can do it.

      Hugs, Marianne

      over 5 years ago
    • Jalemans' Avatar
      Jalemans

      Well, I wouldn't say I was ANGRY or an XXX.

      over 5 years ago
    • Marianne's Avatar
      Marianne

      Sorry. The word I put in where xxx appeared must not be allowed. A stronger form of"angry". Nothing else.
      At any rate, I do hope you're able to get the help you need.
      All the best, Marianne

      over 5 years ago
    • HOBO's Avatar
      HOBO

      Okay, if you are not angry would you say frustrated? I know I was hurt angry frustrated sad and scared. My head was spinning and I had friends that were hurt and angry because I brought the five of my friends together to tell them because I was so emotional I could not handle telling everyone separately. This is a tough time. It's okay to feel whatever you feel and it could change hour to hour. Now 14 months later I feel I have been through the entire range of emotions and I still have bad days but I do have the hope that most bad days are behind me now. I am of the future but I am not about to waste a single day. I do whatever I am physically able to each day. You will get there. We just want to help you through today. We can all deal with tomorrow, tomorrow.
      Hugs,
      Jane

      over 5 years ago
    • MsMope's Avatar
      MsMope

      Wow! Are you lucky to have friends and relatives sending you flowers. I wish. Unfortunately, I outlived my parents and brother. The relatives who remain, except for my daughter, are all on Social Security. And they live far away.

      We moved to a small town when we retired. We're "city people" and while often "welcomed" we were never really "included." I put quotation marks around the words town people said to me. One flat out told me her mother always welcomed new people but never would include them.

      That made it easy for me to live under their gossip radar from diagnosis thru the last chemo treatment. I just stayed home all winter except to go to doctor's appointments in the nearest big city where I was very happy to be anonymous among those citizens.

      So - I did not get flowers except once from my husband's family in Ohio. I considered myself very, very lucky the day they arrived. They were beautiful - a pot of white mums and a poinsettia. They're both enjoying summer outdoors (in their pots).

      I made it thru nicely. I didn't allow people to define me as a cancer patient because (1) I didn't tell them and (2) there are few people left who love me enough to REALLY care.

      I made it thru nicely. But - it sure was lonely. Count your blessings.

      over 5 years ago
    • Ejourneys' Avatar
      Ejourneys

      I just read this, which relates and which I think is very well said:
      http://www.kevinmd.com/blog/2014/07/learning-human-nature-cancer-diagnosis.html

      over 5 years ago
    • Jalemans' Avatar
      Jalemans

      Ejourneys, yes. Thank you. J

      over 5 years ago

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