• Double Mastectomy

    Asked by snivel_b on Tuesday, June 11, 2013

    Double Mastectomy

    Double mastectomy in march 2013 - recently attended a bike rally and as some bike rallies go there are girls getting naked never been my cup of tea as i've always been very modest but I'm not judgemental of these girls and it really didn't bother me until my husband yells at his friend "get your big XXX out of the way I like boobies too" I felt so deeply hurt and betrayed - I told him "that's an ugly inconsiderate thing to say in front of your wife who has just lost both breast" it turned into an argument where he ended up telling me to get over myself because all guys like tits. He has never behaved this way in front of me before and it has left a deep hurt inside of me :( is my pain and reaction unjustified?

    11 Answers from the Community

    11 answers
    • Donnaakins' Avatar
      Donnaakins

      Bless your heart! Cancer brings out the best in people, but it also brings out the very worst. I'm still stung by the hurtful actions of people I loved the most in the world.

      I've researched and found my cancer experiences are common. The cancer diagnosis throws everyone off kilter and their reactions are seemingly unloving and out of character My ex-husband, and several family members congratulated me on being able to get nice new breasts! Excuse me! Stage 3 cancer, 18 rounds of chemotherapy and a back that looks like Frankenstein from reconstruction. I KNOW not so.

      I've just got to throw in another bless your heart! That's the all purpose phrase in the South for behavior like your husband's. I would really rather say, "What an #€€ hole."

      over 4 years ago
    • gwendolyn's Avatar
      gwendolyn

      Your husband sounds incredibly insensitive, stupid, or both. I assume his behavior was an attempt to appear "macho" in front of the other men. Still, his initial comment and his reply to you were extremely insensitive.

      over 4 years ago
    • snivel_b's Avatar
      snivel_b

      Thank you for the replies, he successfully made me feel guilty for my reaction and pain, it being my problem/issues and not his as he said, he told me I was seeking pity because I talked to someone about what took place - I dont want or need pity I just wanted the guilt and pain to go away :(- I can't help feeling this is the beginning of our ending - feeling trapped, alone and scared as to what my future will be.

      over 4 years ago
    • Gabba's Avatar
      Gabba

      The only one I pity is your husband...trust me, there are many wonderful husbands who stand by and support their wives through all stages of cancer...you can seek support and understanding from all of us here at WhatNext...what do you have to feel guilty about? I don't know what will happen in your marriage going forward but I will be thinking of, and praying for you...you may feel trapped and scared but please do not feel alone, we are here for you. God bless!

      over 4 years ago
    • snivel_b's Avatar
      snivel_b

      Thank you Gabba - guilty for voicing the hurt and upsetting him - up until now he got me through the diagnosis and the surgeries with a smile on my face, I truly felt I could conquer anything...this has left me with a hurt so deep I sit here crying - he desires something I no longer have so where do I fit in his life - certainly not on the sidelines while he is hoorahing some woman's breast it hurts too much :'(

      over 4 years ago
    • HearMeRoar's Avatar
      HearMeRoar

      If my husband did that he'd be heading for divorceville. You deserve better! Hang in there - you have survived something incredibly scary - you deserve to be treated with the utmost respect!

      over 4 years ago
    • Gabba's Avatar
      Gabba

      You voiced your hurt and pain and he got upset...he needs to get over himself...I am glad he was there for you before but these are not your issues alone, especially when you consider, "in sickness and in health"...one would hope he was just trying to show off to his buddies but at at what expense->your feelings! Even if all men like " boobies" he can still be respectful of you and keep his opinions to himself...I think he is upset with you for saying out loud what he may be feeling about himself (that he was inconsiderate and heartless)...I am not saying give him the benefit of the doubt, but ask him to speak to someone with you...don't throw in the towel just yet...use that towel to dry your eyes...thinking of you.

      over 4 years ago
    • Donnabakins' Avatar
      Donnabakins

      Snivel, Something you said in your last comment has me backtracking. You said, "Up until now he got me through the diagnosis and surgeries with a smile on my face and truly thinking I could conquer anything."

      This man loves you. He just made a big mistake.

      I will never understand men's fascination with breasts, but they worship and adore them - all sizes, shapes, colors, and regardless of the body of which the breasts are attached. They never outgrow it and they act like little foolish boys when they are exposed to a bevy breasts.

      I was a woman who had breasts men loved. Throughout my life, men who were made brave by alcohol asked me things like my bra size, if my nipples were brown or pink (I didn't know they came in pink), if the nipples were primary or regular "eraser size" and attempt to convince me just to let them take a peak.

      I found it ironic the parts of my body that nurtured my children and fascinated men, became weapons of mass destruction, set out to kill me. At first I was willing to take a chance with lumpectomy, but as my diagnosis grew, I made the decision to kill the girls before they killed me.

      I can imagine how I would feel at a biker rally with a bunch of chicks brazen enough to show their breasts when mine had just been cut off. XXX, definitely. Jealous, cheated. Memories would come to mind of how mine had been worshipped and adored until just recently, though I would have never flashed!

      Your heart is broken. Your husband acted like a foolish boy at a foolish rally. But, through the cancer and surgeries, HE GOT YOU THROUGH IT WITH A SMILE ON YOUR FACE AND THINKING YOU COULD CONQUER ANYTHING. Just as there is more to you than your breasts, there is more to him than the way he acted at a bike rally.

      Bless your heart. Consider grace.

      over 4 years ago
    • snivel_b's Avatar
      snivel_b

      He did in fact get me through it - him, his daughter and her daughter (my beautiful granddaughter) they all gave me a reason to smile nearly every day. There were many girls throughout the day that took their clothes off it didn't bother me it was that evening when he demanded someone to get out of his way so he could see the breasts and I told him it was cold and inconsiderate of him - he ended up getting mad at me telling me I had serious issues, I needed to get over myself and that he liked titties and that wasn't going to ever change. I don't doubt his love for me what I question in my mind and heart is will he be faithful with his desire so strong to see breast that he would rudely demand someone to get out of his way just so he can see them if I hadn't been there would he have been grabbing them as some of the other guys were doing. He admittedly cheated on the last woman he was with - will he me as well because I don't have something he desires. It's not jealous of those girls it's a fear - even though he loves me I don't have what he desires anymore - he just as well slapped me in the face because his actions and words hurt like XXX.

      over 4 years ago
    • Julie99's Avatar
      Julie99

      I understand the hurt over his insensitivity and agree that is could have been about how he was looking in front of the guys.

      My boyfriend has always commented on women he found attractive as well as their bodies. Before my bilateral, I was extremely confident in how I looked. Now? Not so much. 20 pounds & 2 sizes heavier, bald, and scars across my chest that is 150 cc's different in size with radiation starting next week. My flat 6-pack abs are now more like a bowl of jello.

      A week ago when he commented on someone during a tv show and how hot she was, I finally admitted to him that it bothered me. Since I don't feel great about myself right now, its hard for me to hear him talk about how hot he thinks other women are. He got it. He'll still say things here and there, forgetting about that it hurts me but not doing is maliciously.

      Its a learning process and an emotional roller coaster as we discover and come to terms with our new bodies. Hopefully for you, he will understand how insensitive his comments were and why it hurt you. I hope things get a little easier for you and that you feel better.

      over 4 years ago
    • Ydnar2xer's Avatar
      Ydnar2xer

      Your story brought tears to my eyes! That shouldn't happen to anyone! I don't buy the old adage of "boys will be boys"-- there's NO excuse for being rude and insensitive, no matter whether you are male or female. His comments would have been on par with you shouting out something about "enjoying all of his 2 "winches" last night!" I'm SURE he'd find that unacceptable! It would have hurt him sincerely to be targeted in public about an insecurity he may have! It sounds like he has been supportive in the past; would it help if you two talked FRANKLY about your individual insecurities, your feelings and needs and how you could be more supportive of each other now? Maybe w/a counselor?

      Meanwhile, you might have to pull up your big girl panties and toughen up a bit! (That's what I did yesterday when I got a notice in the mail that it was TIME FOR MY MAMMOGRAM again! Breastless me? OUCH!) There WILL be "ouchies" (ie, awkward, insensitive things said or done) sometime in the futures of all of us who've undergone vast changes in appearance or abilities...We need to retain our resilience and CONFIDENCE and NOT let them get us down!

      And if he doesn't "get it" and shape up, I'm sure there are PLENTY of other men who would recognize-- and treat you--as the gem you are! Good luck! We are here for you!

      over 4 years ago

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