• ~Family Dilemma~ i know someone like me that both of her Parents have died, both were cremated, a brother has the father in an urn at his

    Asked by GregP_WN on Monday, September 22, 2014

    ~Family Dilemma~ i know someone like me that both of her Parents have died, both were cremated, a brother has the father in an urn at his

    she has the Mother in an Urn at her house. She thinks that they should be together, but the brother wants to keep Dad, she doesn't want to give Mom up. I can understand this since I have been through the same thing. I say let them rotate amongst the kids. Let Mom and Dad "visit" each of them for a period of time, then move to the next one. What do you think is a workable solution to their problem?

    21 Answers from the Community

    21 answers
    • cam32505's Avatar

      My mother was cremated 1.5 years ago. We had her ashes entombed in a niche at a cemetary. That way, any family member can visit, just like a regular grave (no flowers allowed). She is buried next to my sister.

      over 7 years ago
    • Jalemans' Avatar

      I suggest they get additional containers & divide the ashes. I have a friend who each of the kids have some of dad's ashes in a container that looks sort of like an egg. I have also heard of bracelets & necklaces which can hold some of the ashes. IMHO a person's remains do not hold their spirit after death & their remains are just cast off, so in my opinion their mom & dad's spirits are already together, but whatever gives the people who remain comfort...

      I also wonder about people who retain a loved one's ashes in an urn & what will happen to the urn when the keeper person passes away. Do they anticipate that future generations will keep these? For me, I wish to be cremated, but my ashes are to be sprinkled in our north woods.

      over 7 years ago
    • amontoya's Avatar

      Really? I cannot imagine arguing over a dead persons remains. Personally, I have all my memories, you can keep the remains.

      over 7 years ago
    • Keith59's Avatar

      I find the whole ashes thing a little weird. You can skip my house on the rotation. I'll keep the memories like @amontoya.

      over 7 years ago
    • Hussy's Avatar

      I don't really get the holding onto the ashes thing. My dad sprinkled my mom's ashes and those of her beloved dog (who died two years before she did) in the forest where they used to walk together. That seemed about right.

      over 7 years ago
    • glam's Avatar

      I don't think the soul of any of them is in these remains.....I am sure both of them are together in heaven and are hands given looking all of you and helping you to go through tough moments and spreading blessings to your family.....memories are the best things to keep and share among children and family members....stories lived together, pictures of remarkable times.....etc.....the remains can be with any or another....it really matters more for those that stay here than for them that are already free....and for sure are not enclosed in an urn.....I think if it was my case I would be happy to have them part time with me and part time with my siblings.....so everybody feels ok and can seize the time when they are handling the urn to the other to spend time together as a family that for sure this is what would really make parents happy....see their children tight, together and helping each other.....wishing you all the best...God continue blessing all of us

      over 7 years ago
    • Beeps' Avatar

      Their parents are no longer of this earth& I bet they wouldn't like this fussing over their ashes! my sisters & I lost both parents only a few months apart. Both were cremated. We sort of covered all bases! In the town where we grew up, there is a big family name headstone & plots for whoever chooses to be placed there. we had foot stones made with their names & dates & then placed. My father always used to say... Just throw me in the ocean... They had lived the retirement years at the beach. So, we had a glass artist make these beautiful, small. Hanging window ornaments that contain a very small amount of both parents ashes for each of us. Then we all went to the beach and each took some of both sets of ashes and spread them where the ebb & flow of the waves washed them into the sea... It was a very powerful experience. My little ornament hangs in my bedroom window....

      over 7 years ago
    • AmyJo's Avatar

      When my sister was dying, she told us she wanted all of us to have these necklaces to put her ashes in, that way we could all have some of her. I told her I was not going to wear my dead sister around my neck!! Ewwww...... that to me is just morbid. So folks that wanted them, got them. Others chose to have small containers or vase like things, so she's scattered all over the place, but she's not at my house!! ha ha ah She can visit me in spirit.
      In your friends case, I say divide them so they can each have "joint custody". Either that or bury them, then they can go visit both whenever they want.

      over 7 years ago
    • walshmeister's Avatar

      I like the dividing idea, no need in fighting over mom and dad!

      over 7 years ago
    • lilymadeline's Avatar

      This reminds me of a different reaction- I used to be friends with Arthur Marx, Groucho’s son. He told me a story that right after his dad died that his ashes kept getting stolen from the cemetery! They kept recovering them with the help of the police, but kids kept taking them for ‘fun’? Who knows....but the cemetery kept trying to return the ashes to Arthur but he didn’t want them in the house! He told me that a man finally drove over to his home with the ashes in hand and kept trying to hand them over to Arthur and he kept pushing him away and finally slammed the door in his face. So nobody wanted them except the kids who kept stealing them.....he told me he didn’t know what happened to them but he thinks that they locked them up somewhere....or maybe another family member got a hold of them eventually or had them scattered, I have no idea.
      Considering how valuable the ashes are to this family, I think that your solution is probably the best one for everybody. Or to do what cam32505 had done, having them entombed or buried at a cemetery where everyone can visit. This is kind of a crazy and weird predicament, I can’t imagine fighting over ashes like this, their souls are not there they are with God.

      over 7 years ago
    • virg112012's Avatar

      Why not mix the ashes so they both have some of each, and the parents are together as they should. But I would bet her parents would rather be scattered at a place they loved. Most people when cremated make plans as to where the ashes should be. Cremation as I see it should be returning to nature and not taking any kind of space. Their souls are together with God.

      over 7 years ago
    • MMarie's Avatar

      I buried my cremated parents next to each other.

      over 7 years ago
    • Ejourneys' Avatar

      I agree with dividing the ashes into additional containers. Both my parents were cremated and their ashes spread in the Gulf of Mexico. I like to think of them nourishing plankton or some such.

      over 7 years ago
    • FreeBird's Avatar

      My thinking is that they are not in the box any more than they would have ever been in a jar of their old nail clippings or cut hair, a lost tooth, or the shed cells in their mattress during their lives.

      over 7 years ago
    • meyati's Avatar

      Divide them up- let both have them. I think that my son might obsess over my ashes. He turned white as a sheet, when I told him to take mine to a wild windy place and let me be free.

      over 7 years ago
    • ld_105's Avatar

      For heavens sake. I have a friend whose friend died, she was cream ares and the family took the remains with them. The person who died had her husbands remains in the house. No one knows what happened to them. So, my recommendation get a burial plot and bury them or find a spot that the deceased cherished and spread the remains there. Why anyone would save and fight over ashes makes no sense to me. It just reminds me to get my affairs in order.

      over 7 years ago
    • Myturn's Avatar

      Mom wanted her cremains divided between the people and places that she loved. It is symbolic and different for everyone. Nobody "has" any cremains, but they are where she wanted to be and knew that others would visit and think of her in beautiful places. Some are in a pristine river where we used to canoe. When grandma passed the church that she attended usually accepted the cremains, as part of the religious ceremony. It is a very uncommon religion. I asked where the cremains would be deposited. Their belief was to allow them to drift in flowing water. I asked where they found the flowing water and when he said "the Detroit River" she ended up with mom in the pristine river, with mom. Mine are scheduled to end up in the same water that the river flows into.

      over 7 years ago
    • Gumpus61's Avatar

      My Friend is a pilot, a family friend passed and asked that the ashes be spread over lake Erie where he boated often. This was back in the 70's. At 10,000 feet the window was opened and some of the ashes went out.......and a lot of them swirled around the inside of the plane. Upon arriving home our well intentioned pilot undressed for bed only to find about 2 cups of ashes in the cuffs of his Bell bottoms.........As he emptied them into the sink he commented to his wife (who was aghast)...."Well, it all ends up in lake Erie either way".............

      over 7 years ago
    • kalindria's Avatar

      I wonder if this is really what they're squabbling over or if there's something else behind this. There are plenty of sensible solutions (many suggested here) that would resolve this and yet this grown people can't come up with them? Methinks there are some unresolved family issues at play here.

      And for myself: ew ew ew! I don't want any ashes and I don't want anyone hanging on to mine. I don't even want to be buried because I think cemeteries and graveside visits are just ghoulish and tie the living to a single location that won't contain my soul, my essence or any part of me other than the empty shell. I want my girls to see a beautiful flower and remember how much I love them, not visit a manicured park full of stones marking names of the departed. Ugh.

      I know this isn't a typical opinion but it's mine. And I've shared with everyone I love so there are not issues after I die. (I also say the word die because that's what I believe we do. "Pass on" is just too wimpy and chicken s**t for me.)

      over 7 years ago
    • meyati's Avatar

      I can give beautiful things to my children for them to remember me. I envision my son driving around with my ashes crying- Momma I love you Did you see that Its A WILd WILD world with everybody looking the W that had a treasure buried under a W. One character was trying to rescue his kidnapped mother- crying and screamming "Momma" a huge weight lifter.

      over 7 years ago
    • abrub's Avatar

      I know my husband and I both want to be scattered, to be free, and to let our children keep our memories, nothing from our bodies. However, in the situation you're describing, why not mix the remains and divide them into the 2 urns, so that the parents will be together, and each of the children will have them.

      over 7 years ago

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