• Good news and bad news

    Asked by BuckeyeShelby on Wednesday, September 16, 2020

    Good news and bad news

    Let's start with the good news first. My skin is very sensitive to the adhesive of the clear drape that creates the vacuum and seals the dressing to the wound. The wound specialist wants to give my skin a break, so I have just a dressing, no wound vac. I'm unleashed!

    Now the not so good news. I discovered yesterday morning that my estranged father died in April. And no one told me. So he's been gone 5 months but it's fresh to me. And I don't know how to feel. We hadn't spoken in years. But he was still my dad.

    13 Answers from the Community

    13 answers
    • MarcieB's Avatar
      MarcieB

      Shelby, I am sorry to hear your hard news. I can only imagine the shock you must be feeling. Even if you had no contact, you still assumed he was *out there* and as long as he was alive there was hope for a different relationship. It is hard to learn that everything that has been said is all there is now. Of course, I don't know your story, nor do I have any idea why you were estranged, but I'm guessing there was quite a bit of hurt involved. I think there is a lot to be said for closure and you did not get the opportunity to do that.
      I am going to be so bold as to suggest you find a quiet place and say, out loud, all the things you would have liked to have said to your dad. Even if they are unpleasant things. And then forgive him and let it go. Thank him for being your father, and forgive him for not being able to be the father you needed. (if that is, indeed, the truth)
      Releasing your anger and grief, and replacing it with forgiveness is very powerful medicine. Healing your spirit goes a long way in helping to heal your body. I just completed raising 16 Monarch butterflies from tiny caterpillars. If I could send one to your house today I would. Think on the good things and be kind to yourself.

      3 days ago
    • GregP_WN's Avatar
      GregP_WN

      Oh my lord Shelby. We are so sorry on both occasions. As for your health, be prepared to be the squeaky wheel unless you don't have to.

      3 days ago
    • Teachertina's Avatar
      Teachertina

      Shelby, I understand not knowing how to feel about an estranged family member. I also have one that is very toxic to be involved with, so 10 years has passed. I have no idea if that person is still alive or not. The decision to be estranged was mine and I don’t regret it. Your situation may be different but it can’t be changed now. I hope you will come to some kind of peace with everything that happened. The past makes us who we are and the future is yet to be explored. I hope your future will be brighter and not clouded with the negativity of the past. Hope you have a few positive experiences to remember about your father to hold on to. Take care of yourself. Wishing you well with your wound healing. Keep us posted.

      3 days ago
    • JaneA's Avatar
      JaneA

      I know that news is difficult for you to digest. I hope that you will find peace of mind.

      Getting rid of that wound vac is good news. I hope that you heal soon.

      3 days ago
    • andreacha's Avatar
      andreacha

      Shelby, I'm sorry that it has taken 5 months to learn of your Father's death. I understand about the invisible bond you had. Everyone had good advice but only you can put this behind you, without guilt. I think MarcieB's idea about a conversation with your Dad was great. Just please don't let this eat away at you. I made myself ill not long ago because a former good friend of mine passed away before we made amends with each other. I beat myself up about not extending the olive branch when I had the opportunity and couldn't let it go for a while. I had to realize that nothing could be done about the past, he was gone. I could only pray for his soul. I do hope that you can come to terms with your feelings.
      I hope your sensitive skin heals quickly. I'm allergic to all adhesives so I can relate. God Bless.

      3 days ago
    • PaulineJ's Avatar
      PaulineJ

      I sure know how that feels when I just get a call the next days when both my parents passed(different years).Brothers and sister were there throughout the night,but since I was from Boston and no one was going to take me in if we need to leave I had to drive home and go back for the funerals.Their excuse was that they didn't have the room.My sister lived in N.C asnd one brother lived in Vermont.And when my brother in Vermontwas 60 passed when he had a heart attack.I was welcomed to be there for the funeral.I sure wish I knew what they all have against me and one other brother.We are both Believers in The True God of the Bible(we are Both The Church-The Body of Christ),while they follow religions. I do hear that because of your Faith in the only True God people and family turns against you.SO TRUE!It's happening to many.

      2 days ago
    • LiveWithCancer's Avatar
      LiveWithCancer

      I'm really sorry to hear about your dad passing ... and as sorry to hear that you had to wait for 5 months to learn that he did. That sucks. I totally understand your sense of loss despite the estrangement. And, if it was me, I would be angry/hurt that no one bothered to tell me for 5 months ... because like you said, estranged or not, he was still your dad. I too thought MarcieB had some fabulous advice.

      Yay on the wound vac being gone!!! Untethered is GREAT news!!!!

      Hugs!!

      2 days ago
    • Kp2018's Avatar
      Kp2018

      Shelby, you have had more than your share of shocks this year. I hope this is the last one.

      If you're considering Marcie's suggestion, it often helps to put your "conversation" in written form. When you're finished, take the paper you've written on and rip it up into tiny pieces and throw them away or burn them. This helps to attain closure, and to prevent future rumination over the same thoughts.

      Not having had a particularly "functional" family, I get estrangement. Like Teachertina ,I've concluded that it's OK to let go of relationships that do not serve you. Above all, forgive yourself.

      2 days ago
    • Carool's Avatar
      Carool

      Shelby, I’m so sorry. And I, too, think MarcieB’s suggestions are great.

      1 day ago
    • Jayne's Avatar
      Jayne

      I'm very sorry to hear of your Dad's passing - my brother and father are in a similar position, no contact in the past 25 - 30 years. My dad is 90 now and neither can find the words to make things ok again, I guess sometimes we just have to accept that, sometimes there are no words.

      I'm glad to hear your are catching a break from that wound vac - I'm sure you need it by now!

      Hoping for some restful thoughts as you process all the news you have just received.

      about 19 hours ago
    • BuckeyeShelby's Avatar
      BuckeyeShelby

      My wound vac vacation will continue over the weekend, until at last Monday. I feel so much better. And I'm getting around a lot better, too.

      about 19 hours ago
    • Bug's Avatar
      Bug

      Oh, Shelby, I'm so sorry about the situation with your dad. How shocking that must have been for you. I really like MarcieB's suggestions, too. Peace can be darn hard to find sometimes but I do hope you find it eventually.

      Good to hear that your skin is getting a break.

      about 11 hours ago
    • L_Meligne's Avatar
      L_Meligne

      I’m so sorry for your loss. No matter where your relationship was, he was still your father and you had every right no know. I was estranged from my birth father (raised by a wonderful stepdad) but when I was diagnosed in ‘14 he was there for me. For the 1st time ever. Still an unbearable jerk most of the time, but he showed up. He died 2 yrs ago. I never expected how hard it would hit me. My unsolicited advice- remember anything good, big or small. It helps heal those old wounds. Sending you love and BIG healing hugs!

      about 11 hours ago

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