• Have any of you had your spouse or partner leave you after you were diagnosed?

    Asked by Boogerman on Friday, November 30, 2018

    Have any of you had your spouse or partner leave you after you were diagnosed?

    My Wife is wonderful, and I couldn't chase her off, but she told me about someone she knows whose Wife left him after he was diagnosed. Said she just "couldn't deal with it". I have no words.

    9 Answers from the Community

    9 answers
    • GregP_WN's Avatar

      Sadly, it happens quite often, I too, can't believe it. I also have a wonderful, strong, beautiful Wife/caregiver. She has put up with cancer trying to kill me for 30 years now.

      6 months ago
    • LiveWithCancer's Avatar

      I hear those stories, too, but my husband and I are probably closer than ever. Sometimes, he is the caregiver, sometimes I am.

      I can't imagine leaving the side of someone I love because I "couldn't deal with it."

      6 months ago
    • Skyemberr's Avatar

      I have a friend whose husband told her he "couldn't deal with her breast cancer diagnosis." She thought he was going to leave her but he didn't. He may as well have though because he wouldn't help her as she went through treatment. Instead, her 9 year old son did much of the heavy lifting of helping her out, watching their toddler and many other miscellaneous tasks. The husband did stay and work and support the family that way, but he didn't take time off to help her opr support her as she went to treatments or important appointments.

      My friend hasn't forgiven her husband for this and I don't know if she ever will. They are still together, but it hasn't been easy. For myself, I can't imagine what I would have done without my family helping me, especially my spouse. I feel very lucky and try not to take it for granted.

      6 months ago
    • po18guy's Avatar

      If you know this person, it might be a very good time to reach out and be as good a friend as you can. No one can explain the vagaries of human emotion. A dear co-worker (who donated the better part of a year of sick leave to me) was diagnosed with breast cancer. Her boyfriend immediately left her, telling her that he could not deal with it.

      In either case, was it really love? Love desires the good of the other and does not count the cost. It seems that many relationships nowadays are much more fragile than they seem. Your cancer experience can help this poor soul if the opportunity presents itself. One struggle is enough, but two?

      6 months ago
    • Carool's Avatar

      I have a friend whose husband died of bladder cancer when he was 64 (he'd ignored the warning signs until his cancer was diagnosed at a late stage). She supported and helped him throughout everything. A few years after he died, she met a man, and they've been together now for five years. He found out HE has bladder cancer; eventually, he had to have his bladder removed, since he kept developing increasingly aggressive surface cancers on his bladder, despite treatments. He has since gotten two infections. So now my friend is dealing with another loved one with bladder cancer. She's not running away, nor should she, despite preceding difficulties in their relationship.

      6 months ago
    • Gumpus61's Avatar

      Well.......I am a man, I am a caregiver, My wife has had cancer for 5 years. I have struggled with the sacrifice of having lost my wife and partner to be replaced by a Cancer patient and all that means.
      Patients don't understand because they have no choice but to be a patient, Caregivers have to choose every day to be a caregiver and make the personal sacrifices required. I have and will stay the course. But.....I will not judge those who do not, it is a special XXX if you let it become one. Cancer sucks especially badly for those who pay the price without having actually gotten the disease. If you want to have some idea of what it's like to be a long term caregiver to someone with an incurable Cancer read any one of my many blogs here.

      6 months ago
    • LiveWithCancer's Avatar

      I am the cancer patient but I am also the caregiver. I haven't required much care except during the first few months after diagnosis. There were a few days out of every three weeks where my husband really stepped up to the plate for me and handled the tasks I normally do.

      But, several years ago, he had to have quadruple bypass surgery. He has since required FAR more care than I ever have. He does little for himself. I do what I have to do to take care of him, no matter what that means. I don't care what he is going to require down the road. When I married him, I accepted him "for better and for worse" and "in sickness and in health."

      6 months ago
    • cheryncp's Avatar

      No but my heart breaks for anyone that has to go through cancer and a spouse walking out, that is just too much.

      6 months ago
    • wmsavs' Avatar

      We don't know any spouse or partners who have exited mentally or physically. It is also irritating when other family and/or friends leave during a treatment for cancer. I cannot personally leave, although it can be stressful and both caretakers and patients should have an outlet for this stress.

      I used to think it was or is a measurement of love whether a significant other stayed or departed, but have found both through observation and reliable media coverage on the subject, some cannot not psychologically or mentally tolerate a cancer episode. This is readily evident by the worldwide stigma attached to cancer and love for the patient still remains. The flight person would rather have great memories of the patient then see the patient, the loved one, deteriorate.

      Yes, @LiveWithCancer, our wedding vows encompass the phrase "for better or worse" and "in sickness or health", it is agreed that the flight person did not fully adhere with that general term, but love really is not the yardstick for measuring an individual's tolerance with cancer and its impact on the person. It does take a really special person to be a caretaker as we all well know you are both a caretaker and a patient. Not everyone can fulfill that role.

      6 months ago

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