Asked by little_fut on Thursday, May 16, 2013


    Today I am having one of those "self pity" days. I know everybody has them so in that respect I guess I'm OK. I look in the mirror and realize the person looking back at me isn't really me, instead it's someone who looks like a beached whale, someone who looks so insecure, and unsure of herself. One thing cancer has taken from me is my feeling of self worth. I find myself thinking, " Wow what have I become?" All I know is today I feel a lot of anger and frustration. There are things that I can do, but there are so many things I can't do anymore, at least not now, maybe after all this is said and done, I will be able to be me again. Thank you for listening to me and allowing me to vent. I can't seem to think straight sometimes so I apologize for how wopper-jodded my thoughts are. I so much appreciate all of you and don't know what I would have done without you during this terrible journey fighting the evil cancer monster. I amI am so so tired.

    22 Answers from the Community

    22 answers
    • barbaraanne's Avatar

      Believe me you are not alone....I've been feeling like this lately. Just when i start to feel better, some b.s. happens or sometimes it's just tiredness... I have good & bad days...When I look in the mirror in the morning I always think oh XXX, it's not a dream...as the day goes on I'll feel better, a little makeup goes a long way. Every time I say I'm gonna go out w/o my wig, halo or hat, I never do. Not quite feeling it yet, my hair needs to grow. I definitely look like an "older version" of me, from just last year, ugh...But I believe we'll make it through, and I'm learning we are entitled to have our venting days....just hopefully we won't have to many....best of luck, and let's keep our chins up:)

      over 7 years ago
    • SpunkyS's Avatar

      You expressed the frustration well! I would have had to put a few "bad word, bad words" in there too.
      I just found a picture of me from a year ago when I was almost finished with chemo. I thought I looked sort of good then. NOT! I thought of hte beached whale when I looked.
      Feel free to vent any time your little heart desires. HUGS being sent and prayers being said.

      over 7 years ago
    • GregP_WN's Avatar

      From the guys point of view, let me assure you we get that same feeling too. My first two bouts with it not so much, I was younger and didn't really give a whoopee what anyone thought, really still don't. But my last time I have had feelings of being angry that I can't do what I used to. I run a company that does a lot of physical work, and it's hard to not be able to do it anymore. I look at my disfigured neck and think I look freaky, but again, it only lasts for a little while. Then I remember that I'm alive I can go home and kiss my wife tonight and enjoy whatever there is to enjoy tonight, and 4.5 years ago I wasn't so sure there would be that opportunity.

      You will get through it, and be stronger for it. And Vent anytime you need to, that's why we are here.

      over 7 years ago
    • BuckeyeShelby's Avatar

      We all have our days when we must vent. Or throw a tantrum. Hopefully tomorrow will be very much better than today. You are still you. Maybe a bit more battered than you used to be, but that's part of the journey of life, not just cancer. I think in some ways it's like cancer makes us go warp speed, to get more battered and bruised, but it's like tempering steel -- makes us that much stronger.

      over 7 years ago
    • ticklingcancer's Avatar

      You're entitled to have these days. Actually, you're entitled to have multiple days like this. Cancer sucks so much out of us and sometimes the emotions that come with it are hard to handle. It sucks to be sick all the time. It's sucks to have to worry about yourself so much. It sucks to see the hair falling out. It sucks to not be able to eat normal meals. It sucks to have to have to take so much medicine just to counteract all the other medicine. It sucks to get a neulasta shot. It sucks to become anemic. It sucks to have to get CT Scans. It sucks to have blood drawn so frequently. How does all this sound? It's when you're done with treatment that you can then start focusing on YOU again. Things will get better but in the meantime, it's ok to have these days.

      over 7 years ago
    • SueRae1's Avatar

      Hugs, we've all been there, I know I have several times. Venting is good, I'm happy you feel that this is a safe place to so.

      over 7 years ago
    • GypsyJule's Avatar

      I understand. I would hug you if I could. I hope tomorrow is a better day.

      over 7 years ago
    • JennyMiller's Avatar

      "Venting" is good therapy! We keep so much inside of us in our effort to appear strong and positive. Then, our family and friends are always feeding us the positive comments. They mean well but they just don't understand how we feel. We are the ones that have cancer - not them. We are alone in this twilight zone of the cancer world and it is not easy. We get to the point that we just have to let out the anger, frustration, fears, etc. We need to cry. Once we empty ourselves, then we can regain whatever composure that we are able to and move on. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and as we progress towards it, things get better. No, we will never be the same person again but that is not a bad thing. We "Survivors" appreciate life and family in a way that others cannot. We have gained a compassion for others that allows us to understand and help. We are a unique group and we are undefeated!!! So -- go ahead -- vent, curse and cry -- you deserve it. Then, turn to God with a prayer and He will guide you through this storm to better days ahead. I wish you the best!

      over 7 years ago
    • CAS1's Avatar

      I think you have a lot of these self pitty days because you are still in treatment.

      You will feel so much better once your done and its behind you. Be good to yourself and be good to others and you will be good as new in no time.

      over 7 years ago
    • savingrace's Avatar

      We all have those days and it is better to release the frustation than hold it in. The main thing is release it than let it go. You can go through this journey or you can grow through this journey. Look back in that mirror and see the person who is growing through and has made up your mind that you are going to beat it and it not beat you. Yes we all get tired, irratated, frustated, angry, and so forth and so on but don't let it keep you down. Again, look back in that mirror and see the person that made it through yesterday and will make it through today. A Big Hug is being sent your way.

      over 7 years ago
    • coco48's Avatar


      Wow!!! Do I understand how you feel. .. it has been times that I just don't look into the mirror because I just don't want to! I believe our emotions would be high then low...it's a lot to absorb from the time were diagnose until all treatment is complete it's a rollercoaster, everything is happening and you want to have control of your life back. I have gotten a journal, and that holds a lot of my thoughts... I can cry, laugh and be angry !! The best part is you have your EXTENDED FAMILY here with us.... we understand! !!

      Keep praying it works...

      over 7 years ago
    • debco148's Avatar

      Little fut.. what I like about you is that you can put into words what we have all gone through and thought about. A lot of us go hide at this time, but you are fearless, you unveil your feelings --I commend you for that!
      Now is the time for you to get yourself a reiki treatment or some acupunture, or maybe even a theraputic massage. Go ask your oncology staff if any of these treatments are available to you. Many hospitals are offering them for free.
      You are puffy from steroids - drink lots of fluids! Look in the mirror at your eyes and tell yourself that you are a beautiful warrior and you are just in battle clothes right now, when you get back from fighting you'll blossom and look better than ever. I actually have people telling me that I look great now--and it was exactly a year ago I started my chemo. It has been a journey, but I've learned so much since then, I tell myself every day that my body is healthy and strong and will not allow anything bad in it again! Read as much as you can about the power of the mind too- books like The Secret, The Magic both by Rhonda Byrne, and a new one call The Cure by Bob Proctor. It is an amazing way to look at things. Picture yourself in a new outfit, or in a place you love to go to on vacaction as much as you can every day... you will be there once this blip is over! xxoo

      over 7 years ago
    • MillieS's Avatar

      Hi beautiful, we all have those days. Sometimes I get so tired of being strong and positive. I get angry at the radiologist who thought my cancer was just an old woman' s fibroid boob that it didn't need to be brought to anyone's attention... For 3 years. I get tired of being in pain and sooooo fatigued that I just want to lie on the couch and cry. I won't even mention how I feel about my appearance . Things will be better. You WILL feel stronger. You WILL be able to resume activities you once enjoyed . Helps to vent just like a pressure cooker letting off steam. May I suggest something totally sinfull...like a good massage or manicure or facial ? Something to stroke your ego, make you feel special? I am having a hot rock massage today and I am looking forward to getting off my pity palette . We are here for you. Vent, punch a pillow, scream at the walls then go treat yourself to something special. I promise you will feel better. Hugs coming your way

      over 7 years ago
    • Mel's Avatar

      HI!! all I can say is I totally agree with you on all you said. And I seriously still feel that way on certain days and I hate it, and that I feel these feelings.... My boyfriend has never said one word negative about cancer or me, but for me I'm like hate not having my hair, hate it's not growing, I don't feel strong today I've dropped everything in site! I can't lose any weight, look in mirror it's like ugh city! some days just sad, or depressed no reason just am. I can go on and on. No really I can hahahaha...
      It does get better, but yet it's like nothing is ever the same just have to adjust make some changes and except the new way of living.... :)
      And again vent away its what we are here for and sometimes just makes you feel better to an extent to get it off your chest at least it does for me. :)

      over 7 years ago
    • Nonnie917's Avatar

      Dear Little_fut that is what we are here for, to vent. We are here to listen because everybody has those kinds of days. I know I do. It is frustrating to look in the mirror and wonder who that person is starring back at you. I have those days and I am sure that everyone on this site has had one of those days. Never be afraid to vent. If you can't vent on us who can you vent on? Right? We all know what you are going through because we have, or in some cases are, going through it ourselves. I don't feel like a women since I lost both my breasts and though the PS has tried with stomach fat to form new ones it wasn't enough and I am still flat chested with a sorta big tummy. So I am getting implants on the 24th. I am hoping I will feel different after that, but you never know. I think that anger and frustration are all part of the process of having or going through cancer. I mean who wouldn't be mad they got cancer and asked, "Why me God?" So you vent all you want and don't worry about what people think. Like I said we have all been there, done that. You just take care of yourself and take the day off from whatever it was you were going to do today and watch a chick flick or read a good book. Bless you.

      over 7 years ago
    • Julie99's Avatar

      I understand this SO much! There are many times I feel horrible. Sunday before heading out for Mother's Day dinner with my boyfriend's family, I was in tears telling him to go without me. I had nothing to wear, now that the weather is getting warmer. Between hot flashes and gaining 20 pounds? A beached whale sums it up well!
      On the way home I made him stop at a store that I knew had Skorts that I feel comfortable in. I bought 4 of them, which are 2 sizes bigger than what I was wearing last summer. But at least now I have something to wear that fits and I feel okay in.
      Each day brings new possibilities. I have been working really hard to focus on the positives and go from there. And hopefully nip the pity parties I hold down to minimum. But when I have them? I HAVE them. What's the point if I'm not all in, right? :)

      over 7 years ago
    • CountryGirl's Avatar

      I had many of these. Then, one day, a friend who sat in his wheel chair lent me an ear. I thought he was going to identify with my frustrations that people looked at me differently with no boobs, that neuropathy in my legs kept me from going to sleep easily, that I was different than before cancer. He didn't identify with me. He said, "every morning at 5:30 am sucks, but we get up anyway. And, even if the whole day sucks, it's still our day." Strangely, it helped.

      over 7 years ago
    • Eps23's Avatar

      Boy does that sound familiar. I am in the middle of my little pity party now myself. Can't believe my life now revolves around getting better. I hope to be done with radiation and chemo by December so I keep thinking of Christmas. Keep your eye on the prize. Nobody will fault you for venting. Don't keep all those feelings locked inside. On the positive side you have been diagnosed and can focus on getting better. Hang in there!

      over 7 years ago
    • jad's Avatar

      You can't deny treatment is hard. That's why most of us are fearful of it. I found that once I started treatment, the fear lessened. During treatment, well - sucky. But every day is a day forward - and your treatment will not last forever. When it is done you will start to feel better. It's a process- a healing process. And because we are human beings we have the ability to adapt. Being resilient and willing to make changes are key to our survival. This goes for everyone, not just the cancer warriors.

      over 7 years ago
    • Ladykarla's Avatar

      Has anyone seen The Grinch Who Stole Christmas? I currently look just like a Who. Seriously. I had a double mastectomy. I have a completely flat front and a big butt. I laugh about it because it truly is funny. Cancer has turned out to be freeing for me. I do not care what anyone thinks about how I look. So many people come up to me now and tell me that I look great. These are people I have never met. Maybe we look better than we think we do. Just a thought.

      over 7 years ago
    • hmt1070's Avatar

      Vent - and keep venting! I think it is so important to express yourself with the crazy range of emotions this journey can create. You are only human - there's only so much one person can handle on any given day. Some days you can handle it all - other days, not so much! My husband was invited to a few pity parties during my treatment. I'm not sure he really enjoyed being the only guest, but he graciously accepted the invitation each and every time!!! Five years later - and cancer free - I still get moody about my cancer diagnosis and the subsequent path my life has taken. Vent! Be honest about your feelings! Be strong enough to bare those emotions and you'll be strong enough to battle :)

      over 7 years ago
    • bella's Avatar

      little fut, you just keep venting it good and sometimes it helps with all that we go through.you can make it because you are strong and your in all of our prayers. just hang in there.

      over 7 years ago

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