• How do I tell my Mom that cancer is not curable, just treatable, that they will "Keep me comfortabe."?

    Asked by packerbacker on Tuesday, August 28, 2012

    How do I tell my Mom that cancer is not curable, just treatable, that they will "Keep me comfortabe."?

    I fell and fractured my L-3 vertebrae. Well, there was a tumor, which they got most of. I have been informed that this is not curable, but it is treatable. I'll be doing chemo and radiation once I recover some from surgery. My Mom knows it is serious, and she knows I'm keeping something from her. I was going to say that they're treating it, which, by the way, they now know the primary site is my lungs. I don't think I have to say it's not curable unless she gets specific. She also keeps saying that God hates us, which doesn't help. Some guidance, please?

    4 Answers from the Community

    4 answers
    • FreeBird's Avatar

      Hello! I feel for what you're going through, and I know you'll find your way through it one day at a time. I'm a caregiver for my father, who also has an advanced cancer.

      Moms know everything. You have to be kidding if you think you're keeping it from her. The second you're born, I think they get superpowers. In my opinion, it's always better to tell the people closest to you unless they're so young that they can't ask questions. It's easy to feel that you're protecting people by not telling them, but I have always found that I'm more at ease when I know I'm getting the whole story and I don't need to worry about surprises, even if the news stinks. I'm now at a point where I go with him for everything at his request. But he has other health issues and could easily have not told me what's going on. You may not want to go through the emotions of telling her, or to hurt her. But I think there's more emotional distress in feeling that you're maybe not being told the whole truth. Also, holding that back doesn't change the reality that she will learn sooner or later. I'm glad I know what's going on, and that he's able to talk to me about anything. If I survive my dad, I feel that knowing now is making it easier on me in the long run, and I think for him, he is much more at ease knowing he can be open and honest about everything he's experiencing. When you're ready, I think you can just say you want to be upfront about everything, just as you would want her to be open with you about her health. No one knows the future for sure-- not even the doctors. and so you go through it together one day at a time, and you can still have a lot of good time left. Have a good cry together and let her be a mom and you be a daughter. I'm closer to my dad now than I think I ever was.

      Sooner or later, we are all equal in that we all change, and have to walk through that doorway. No one is exempt, or hated. Hate is a human thing. I don't know anyone who knows what God is, or explain how it works. But it can't be all bad if it made something so wonderful that we don't want it to ever change. It's amazing that we last as long as we do, or that we're here at all in these bodies.

      Go Packers.


      about 4 years ago
    • Moonflay's Avatar

      Moms are pretty amazing. My mom is the first one to light a fire under my arse when she thinks I need it and the only one sometimes that can ease the pain when another has burned me.

      My mom is an integral part of my life and I can't imagine making this journey without her involvement. She holds my hand when I need support, she holds me when I need to cry and she cracks a mean whip when my attitude needs adjusting, lol. Her prayers, love and support are more life sustaining than any darn treatment and when fighting cancer...she is a mighty weapon.

      It's your mom...let her do what moms do best.


      about 4 years ago
    • nancyjac's Avatar

      You tell her exactly what you told us, "this is not curable but it is treatable". Why are you trying to keep this from her? Give her and yourself some peace of mind by telling her. It will reduce the stress on both of you,.

      BTW, are you equating not curable with terminal? In modern medical lingo, they are not the same thing. Most of the medical field now defines most cancers as chronic conditions in that a patient may be in remission no evidence of disease but the possibility of recurrence is always there for most of us, so they no longer tell their patients they are or will be cured.

      about 4 years ago
    • Bellamore's Avatar

      My Dad is 95 years old and lives thousands of miles away. When I told him I had cancer, needless to say, he was devistated.My biggest prayer is that I die before him. But for the moment I tell him my cancer is like a chronic diseases that I will be treated for for the rest of my life. He calls every single day. Yes, Dad, I stilll have cancer!

      about 4 years ago

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