• How do you get your Husband to be positive?

    Asked by mabrown on Thursday, February 13, 2014

    How do you get your Husband to be positive?

    My husband tends to be a "doomsdayer" and I really need him to help me stay positive for me and our two young kids (Age 12 &10). I am positive but how can I help him?

    14 Answers from the Community

    14 answers
    • judyhanway's Avatar
      judyhanway

      The cancer center I go to has a monthly support group, which my husband attended with me, and this helped me a lot.

      almost 4 years ago
    • barryboomer's Avatar
      barryboomer

      He's SCARED to death.
      Cut him some slack. Sometimes it is just as hard or harder for a spouse etc.
      He'll come around.
      Barry

      almost 4 years ago
    • mabrown's Avatar
      mabrown

      I know he is scared, but he doesn't have to say things in front of our kiddos. He has a chronic illness as well, so this isn't our first serious medical situation.

      almost 4 years ago
    • cam32505's Avatar
      cam32505

      Maybe some counseling for you and your husband would help. I know you don't want to scare your children, but depending on their age, they need to know something about your condition. I recently lost a coworker to breast cancer (she had 2 boys, 9 & 11). She was so upbeat, we were all shocked when she said she was entering hospice. She was gone 2.5 weeks later, which didn't give her or her family to accept her prognosis.

      almost 4 years ago
    • CDawson's Avatar
      CDawson

      It is very common for people going through treatment are put on antidepressant medication to help them cope. Maybe that's something he should consider or at least talk to the physician about. In addition its common for spouses / close support people to also be on a medication to help cope with the stress.

      almost 4 years ago
    • ggort's Avatar
      ggort

      Try to talk to him about how you know he is a strong person and with you both being strong it will help you get through it all together.
      Check out "Joel Osteen" http://www.joelosteen.com/Pages/AboutJoel.aspx
      Hearing his positive thinking and sharing has helped me and my husband.

      almost 4 years ago
    • marinasala's Avatar
      marinasala

      Hi there! I can speak as a daughter, and I don´t know how old your kids are. Sure they might want to know what is going on, but they might need some sugar coating if they are very young. The thinsg is that I think sometimes it is hard to ask restrain of somebody who is scared and hurting (phisically or emotionally, or both). Support groups could be helpful, for him as a patient, for you as a caregiver and maybe for the kids, depending on their ages? So they know they are not alone, and that there is other people out there with loved ones fighting an illness and suffering like they are? And maybe you could try and make your husband understand that this hurts the family that is trying so hard to be supportive and positive?
      My dad used to be cruel to my mom during his hard times, and I decided to try and find activities for her during those days filled with cruel outbursts so she could get out of his psichological destruction path... it is a patch, tho, not a long term solution, but maybe this is a phase for him too, and as Barry said... he comes around.
      My heart goes out to you as a caregiver, I know how hard it is... trying to juggle all those slippery balls in the air, doing the impossible not to ever drop one... cut yourself some slack... there will be things out of your control... his mouth may be one of those... maybe some damage control is the only option sometimes.

      Peace, love and light!

      almost 4 years ago
    • leepenn's Avatar
      leepenn

      sooooo hard - i'm sorry your family is facing all of this… i wrote a piece a while back about our experience with a program geared towards families with a parent facing cancer….

      so - in terms of your children… this answer is focused on that aspect of your post.

      Our family attended a series titled "facing cancer together" through the MN Angel Foundation (not a religious foundation)... We learned a lot about how to talk about cancer with kids.

      They recommended a few things.

      1 - kids need to know they'll be taken care of - no matter what.
      2 - kids need to know they cannot catch cancer
      3 - kids need a role to play - it can be something totally simple (one woman described her pre-schooler always opening and closing the car door for her) or less than simple (older child taking her to/from chemo treatments)

      They also gave us a lot of guidance about what kids in different age groups can developmentally handle. Our child was 9 when I was diagnosed, and we kept it darn simple but made sure we addressed the above three things. PLUS - the facing cancer together series provided a space in which our child could talk to other children with parents facing cancer diagnoses.

      I hope that helps. I wonder if there might be something similar in your neck of the woods? Talking to other parents helps a ton... I have to admit. And some of those people are now our good friends. And our child gained a lot by talking with other kids in his age group dealing with similar things.

      ---

      the other side of this is that the parents were in groups during these evenings, and we talked about more than just parenting issues. we even separated into caregivers and cancer patients to provide that piece of support as well. in essence, we got a wee bit of marriage with cancer counseling, if that makes any sense. i wonder if something like that might be helpful for you two as well?

      as for how to make him positive - you can't. he has to choose to do that. and he doesn't have to be positive all the time… but if he can manage to find a balance - one in which he can give the kids what they need and give you what you need during this difficult time - that would be good. if he can find that balance, then i think his ability to provide solid support for you and for your kids will be much improved.

      none of us can ever be expected to have a positive attitude all of the time - in fact, that's a lot of pressure…. as cancer patients and caregivers, it's important for us to do our best in meeting each other where we are. i believe it's often much harder to be the caregiver than the patient.

      i hope this is helpful. facing cancer as a parent is rough…

      almost 4 years ago
    • mabrown's Avatar
      mabrown

      I guess I need to clarify....I'M the patient. I am the one with stage III Rectal cancer going through radiation and chemotherapy. I NEED his support and strength. BTW we are both already on antidepressants. Our kids know the situation....I just don't think HE should bring up others who have cancer and only weighs 90 lbs. I need him to look at all the many courageous survivors! I've dealt with his diagnosis of MS.

      almost 4 years ago
    • Upnorth's Avatar
      Upnorth

      Have you just come out and told him how you feel? If so, how did he react? I think what you wrote in your last update is pretty straight forward and might be the right dose of honesty he needs. I would even add: cancer is not necessarily a death sentence. Maybe point out that it's certainly okay to have bad days, but everyday cannot be a bad day. Make a point to tell him when you are having a good day and why. I think sometimes happiness is contagious.

      Next time he starts mouthing off, give him a big kiss. Tell him you love him even if he doesn't know how to act or when to hit the mute button on his mouth. Then smile pretty and move on. Good luck.

      almost 4 years ago
    • spdsgrl's Avatar
      spdsgrl

      Please feel free to message me. I have stage 4 cancer and a husband with MS. My kids are older, but I can totally relate. My husband is completely supportive and upbeat...he mixed drinks last night for my girlfriends who came over to dye my hair before I lose it. Make sure your husband is doing what he needs to in terms of managing his MS. He may need some buddys to open up to. I hear that my husband has a breakdown occasionally when I'm not around. Give him time. It is scary. Be honest with your kids, they are smarter than you think. The older one is probably checking the internet and finding scary things. Make sure they get the age appropriate facts about your situation and know that every case is different. You can beat this. When you believe it, your husband will too. He is worried and overwhelmed. I will be thinking about you!

      almost 4 years ago
    • psue's Avatar
      psue

      It's sounds like you are able to be at a level of peace based on what you stated about yourself here and I hope that that is true for you. I have found when I'm very grounded and calm that it has slowly helped my family become this way too. Now when I say family I'm referring to my mother and sister. We all suffered great turmoil for a while and over the course of a year they were able to see it differently. Your situation is much different because you live together. So for what it is worth I get a great deal of strength from meditation. This is a very difficult time and you sound like an amazing person. You have all my love and well wishes. Paula

      almost 4 years ago
    • Rubies' Avatar
      Rubies

      You should ask your husband whether he has noticed the fear, panic, terror, worry on the faces of his children when he speaks that way in front of them. Many people don't realize the impact of their words because their focus is on their current angst rather than the people who hear what is being said. If you can't make him look at his children, then perhaps you could capture their faces on video and show it to him. There is also the possibility that you are married to a drama queen and never noticed it until your children were affected. In that case - healthy or not deal with him as you would any drama queen.

      almost 4 years ago
    • Cole's Avatar
      Cole

      I have found what you radiate, people copy. The more upbeat and positive you can be, others will take your lead. No one knows how to act through this diagnosis. Not us who are going through it, or those who love us and have to witness our fight. My hubby manages to stay positive when I am, but on those days when I am down, he acts down and depressed too. And I've found that having a little grace to know that he needs to be cut some slack. His heart is breaking for me and he feels the pressure to make my life as good as it can be. So when I'm down, he feels like a failure. Your situation is a little different from mine since your hubby suffers from MS but know that negativity is just fear. And fear is hard to struggle with. Sometimes the ones we love can't be strong for us. So dig down and find that strength in yourself to stay positive regardless of your hubby. Everyone on this site is here for you! So just vent here for now until he comes around.

      almost 4 years ago

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