• I have a friend who just got dignosed with stage 4 abdominal cancer. His wife and daughter are kinda lost.

    Asked by toml on Wednesday, October 19, 2011

    I have a friend who just got dignosed with stage 4 abdominal cancer. His wife and daughter are kinda lost.

    How do I talk to them, to help. I just had prostate surgery in Aug, and I am suppose to be free of it now. How do I approach my friend?

    9 Answers from the Community

    9 answers
    • mspinkladybug's Avatar

      you walk up to them tell them you love them you are goining to e there to help them fight cus stage 4 is NOT a death scentenes anymore give them HOPE give them LOVE allow them to cry.! find a support group for them.... just BE THERE! prayers to them

      over 9 years ago
    • lovekitties' Avatar

      You let your friend know that you are standing by him and will help as you can. If he is concerned about his treatment plan, encourage him to get a second opinion. If you are able you might offer to help him/them to medical appointments. If they have needs or questions you can't help with, refer them to their local ACS for assitance. Have them come here to ask their questions or list their concerns. Hoping for the best for your friend and his family. You are a good friend for caring.

      over 9 years ago
    • danellsar's Avatar

      Tell the wife to be his advocate, fight hard! Don't take no for an answer. Stage 4 is a hard place to be, but there ARE treatment options! Let her know to ask for help and to come here with questions.

      over 9 years ago
    • mybirch's Avatar

      Just BE there, for support, love, direction, encouragement. Let her know that she needs to advocate now, and if you can you will be of help. Its always hard when it's a close friend, but being there allows him to know he's not alone, and neither are his family members as HE goes through whatever treatments he needs. Sometimes just being around, chatting about every day stuff LEADS to the moments we need to become closer...just by putting this question out here...it shows you care.

      over 9 years ago
    • Merianne41's Avatar

      I have to say that I think it's great that you want to help them. So many people worry about what to say. Ask them if they have any questions. People are afraid of feeling stupid with the questions they ask. They need someone else who has been through it to walk them through. I am a stage four breast cancer patient and this is my third time with active cancer, each time nine years apart. My treatment is working and I have good quality of life. Things don't matter. Family and friends do. This is their time to do things that they have always wanted to do as long as they feel well. Stage 4 is not a death sentence. My nurse told me that they will stave it off as long as they can. I am shooting for nine more years! Third time is a charm I think:) Tell them to become proactive, and participate in their care. Get a second opinion. Research clinical trials. Cancer does not decide their days, doctors do not decides their days, GOD does:)

      over 9 years ago
    • mamajltc's Avatar

      As a person who has a loved one with cancer (husband, stage 4, 2 years...doing well so far!, but many tough days), please be there to listen as the wonderful people above said, just be there...
      I will add, that if you are up to it, that one thing we have always had a tough time with, is finding time...to do simple things like shopping.
      As Thanksgiving approaches, and my husband's 2 anniversary of his first surgery approaches (he got diagnosed 2 years Sept, but active surgery, procedures, etc..after all of the testing, began in November), I remember coming home after some very long days at the hospital, to three Thanksgiving meals, made by friends...I am still emotional about this because we still had a Thanksgiving..there was plenty of food in the house for the kids, myself and even some I was allowed to bring to the house. The other thing that meant so much to me, again, which cost $ and may not be possible, was gas cards...the commute back and forth cost so much $ and knowing that the one expense that I could not cut down on, was gas for my car...and this gesture meant so much to us.
      Anyone who is kind enough to ask this question..as you have, is an extraordinary person....thank you for doing this for someone you care about!

      over 9 years ago
    • PhillieG's Avatar

      Sorry to hear about your friend Tomi. I've had people abandon me, many people have a hard time dealing with disease. Who knows why, there are many possibilities and I'm not about to question them. I knew who my "very good friends" were when I needed them. That was what was the most important to me.

      I would do many of the things that have already been suggested.
      1-let them know you are there for them.
      2-see if they needs help with driving the husband to/from Dr appointments.
      3-if you, or people who are friends can bring over meals sometimes that's always helpful.
      4-if you find that the wife is searching TOO much on the internet for info that is either outdated (often the case) or is just making her a basket case advice her that the info are generalizations, often outdated, and also that someone has to be part of the "positive" numbers that go with the stats. Personally, I never cared for stats. They are for horse racing!
      5-I would advise against comparing your situation to his situation unless the comparison would really help them in the long run. Most people don't want to hear how well someone with a different cancer did when it really doesn't apply to their situation. It's certainly NOT B&W. I'm sure you have many great things that you can offer them but just be careful of what you offer and when you offer it.

      I hope you are doing well with your cancer Tomi, it sounds like it was successful. I think they are lucky to have a a caring friend like you on their side offering help.

      Also, sometimes they might just need space, don't forget about that.

      over 9 years ago
    • toml's Avatar

      Thanks,my friend died yesterday, now I need to know how to talk to his wife. I'm still afraid of my own situation so, I am emotional when I try to express myself. I need to go to his graveside services on the 10th. How do I hold myself together?

      over 9 years ago
    • lovekitties' Avatar

      Dear Tom, so very sorry to hear that your friend died. Being emotional is not something to be afraid to show, particularly at the loss of a friend. When you talk with his wife just share what her husband's friendship meant to you. If she tears up or you do, just have some tissues handy...tears are not a sign of weakness. If you truely feel that your emotions will keep you from doing what you want or need to do for the service talk to your doctor. There is medication for just this situation...it takes the edge off but does not make you 'out of it'. Many folks need a bit of help during difficult times like this. Blessings to both you and your friend's family.

      over 9 years ago

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