• I have been on both sides of the fence when it comes to being a caregiver and now with me having cancer. I took care of

    Asked by susie81610 on Monday, December 5, 2011

    I have been on both sides of the fence when it comes to being a caregiver and now with me having cancer. I took care of

    my mother. My problem is I'm so tired of listening to my husband complain about all he does! Well who do you think did all this stuff before. I'm not bed ridden have only slowed down some since all I have been through. I know its hard on him also but he might get more feelings out of yelling at a tree. Does anyone else have these feelings? I just keep smiling and thanking him for all he has done for me. I don't mean to sound ungrateful but the last thing I need to feel like is a burden on someone!

    6 Answers from the Community

    6 answers
    • CarolLHRN's Avatar

      Hi Susie,
      It's tough being a patient. I want to be so independent and do all I can for myself and I hate to ask for help. Most friends are more than happy to help, but usually in a way they want to. I had lots of friends offer me help but when I told them what I really need is help cleaning my apartment, no one helped out. Rides and food are easy but they stuff I really need, it's hard to find the help. And of course, I dont' want to be a burden and ask people who are already helping me to do something else.

      I wonder if your husband is frustrated with helping out because he has some other feelings he's struggling to express and it comes out all wrong. Men can be like that! ;-)

      almost 5 years ago
    • danellsar's Avatar

      I have a bunch of friends who have tried to help. We've gotten some meals and rides and such, but like you said, cleaning and that sort of thing isn't really what people want to do. I did have some friends come over once and spend a few hours cleaning because my mother in law was coming to stay.

      The best best help I've gotten is a group of friends who've donated $$ to a pay pal account, and then one of them coordinates stuff. So she's had dinner delivered to us, groceries delivered, and several times has had Merry Maids come in and clean. All those things can be coordinated online, so even though this friend doesn't live close, she can still do a lot.

      Men are tough. My husband (who'se the patient here) really struggles between wanting to help out and not having the energy. Some days he can do a few things like folding laundry or taking out the trash, but most days not. He's very frustrated on the days he cannot do the things he wants to do. I agree with Carol, men are like that.

      What's helped us a lot has been seeing a counselor, sometimes together and sometimes separately, to talk about these tough emotions. Really helps!

      almost 5 years ago
    • Rainbowkdm's Avatar

      As a caregiver, I cannot ever imagine making my husband feel like I hate helping and doing everything. I'm sure your husband is feeling some feelings he is struggling with but this is not something you should be burdened with right now. He might should seek a support group and maybe you can suggest doing it together so he doesn't feel bad about his feelings. For any of us, it is hard being THE person taking care of things but I wouldn't have it any other way. I have to make sure all things go well for my cancer patient. I am his advocate and best friend and wife and nurse. Hopefully your husband feels the same he's just overwhelmed and needs an outlet. It just shouldn't be you.

      almost 5 years ago
    • susie81610's Avatar

      Thank you everyone for your support. I have tried to get him to go to counseling but he says he doesn't need it. I go once a week I call her my physco I have been seeing her for years and have been blessed with her. So as you can see I didn't have the perfect marriage before this. But I do know my husband loves me dearly and does what ever I would ask of him but I believe he needs a friend and an outlet not me.
      Sparlkie my heart goes out to you. Shame on your husband for treating you that way. I hope you have friends or family that is able to be there for you? I can't imagine that type of life trying to deal with everything. Like they say just when I think I have it bad someone always has it worse. wish there was something I could do or say. I hope your children are older and do understand what a great job they are doing helping their mom.
      Let me tell you cancer screws up a family worse or brings them together and of course mine it just screwed it up worse. Have no family to speak of all deserted me. But we all must keep putting one foot in front of the other. Sorry about the rambling time to get moving and do something worth while.
      Hope you have a better day than the last one :)

      almost 5 years ago
    • RebeccaLynn25's Avatar

      I just can't believe what some of you are having to go through! No, it definitely hasn't affected my family like that and I'm so sorry ya'll are having to deal with that! I'm at a loss for words. You have enough to deal with, without dealing with someone who makes you feel worse than you already do. Absolutely ridiculous. I'm in a different situation, but if that were me, I'd tell him he was more than welcome to leave. You'd heal so much quicker if you had the love and support that you needed. When I was diagnosed, I didn't want anything or anyone negetive in my life. If my husband wasn't going to be supportive, then he wasn't going to be around. That was it. I didn't want or need that added stress. I wish there was something I could do to help those of you that need it. Cancer is a good way to realize the type of people you want in your life. I hope things look up for ya'll and they get better. Just take one day at a time.

      almost 5 years ago
    • Liyhann's Avatar
      Liyhann (Best Answer!)

      Wow. I am stunned by the way some of you have been treated - by family members yet! Then I pause and remember, when I was diagnosed, I had to bar my mom and my youngest sister from contacting me directly (they went thru my brother) because they were so hysterical that it was actually making me vomit. After keeping them at bay for a few months, my mom, especially went through a metamorphosis and became a new, caring and helpful person! My sister calmed down as well, but still gets anxious and difficult. But- NONE of this has been anger towards me. I've been divorced a long while but I have four siblings and the other three siblings hare blessings - especially my other sister. At times, I am just amazed at the stuff she does for me. She's always thinking "one step ahead" of what I might need and I deeply appreciate her. Sometimes I'm overwhelmed when she is cooking and I just go up and give her a big hug and say, "I love you so much. Thanks for all you do." And she smiles and keeps cooking. I also pray. I was an atheist and now I am re-thinking my interpretations of life. I pray to help me deal with difficult people and situations. And it helps. Enormously. No one can make you feel bad unless you give them permission. Just say, "No!" (or "NAAAAAH, nah, Nah,NAAAAAH, na!)

      almost 5 years ago

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