• I've been cheering on a dear friend who was diagnosed after me. Now she is going into hospice.

    Asked by BugsBunny on Thursday, October 17, 2019

    I've been cheering on a dear friend who was diagnosed after me. Now she is going into hospice.

    I'm devastated by this. I have been sort of leading her since I had already been through most of what she has been going into. I am doing well and getting ready to finish up treatments if all continues to go well. All of a sudden she says her cancer has spread all over and they have stopped treatment and taking hospice. I'm literally at a loss for words. I feel guilty that I have been promising that this is not that hard, you can do it too, just like me, and now she is not going to make it. I almost hate to even go face her.

    5 Answers from the Community

    5 answers
    • Dawsonsmom's Avatar

      BugsBunny, I am so so sorry about your friend and I can see why you are so devastated. You have been a good friend to her through all of this and she probably just needs you to continue to be her loving friend. That’s the XXX in the armor of cancer.....no guarantees regardless of how hard we fight, how much cheering we get, how well we take care of ourselves, etc. You did what friends do for one another and she is lucky to have you.

      8 months ago
    • Skyemberr's Avatar

      I have a friend that lived across the street from me who was diagnosed with NSC Lung cancer, at stage 4 when he was diagnosed. He and his wife are like aunt and uncle to my kids.

      I was the closest person to him who had cancer while he did and I did a lot of cheering on, and advice about treatments and just general emotional support, telling him he can maybe halt progression. He listened to me and I really hoped I was helping him. I think I was. He tried many different treatments.

      Unfortunately, the cancer was very advanced. Also his health care team was slow to act which didn't help. He passed away in the middle of the night about 6 months ago. I felt like I should've done more or maybe given him more advice to be firmer with his care team but the reality is that I don't believe that it would've changed things in his case. We were both comforted and pained together by going through the experience.

      I cheered him on. He needed it. I needed it too. We want to heal our friends and support them whether we are sharing the same disease with them or not. I know that my friend John got comfort from my support and wouldn't have wanted to do without it. His wife also was comforted, and we still support each other to this day.

      I am betting that your friend feels that the time you have spent cheering her on and supporting her is one of the better parts of her cancer experience. It is invaluable to have someone care about you enough to take the time to understand your illness and try to help and support you. You may be the only person who has truly understood what her illness is like. It is not on you to control the outcome of the illness. That is somewhat out of all of our hands once we have done our treatments. Being there for her is a rare gift that you were both given.

      I am wishing her and you the very best.

      8 months ago
    • GregP_WN's Avatar

      If you live many years after being diagnosed you're going to be faced with this at some point. I have 32 years of this and I've had several friends and several family members that have gone down, thanks to cancer. I've felt bad after each one of them. Survivor's guilt sneaks into all of us.

      8 months ago
    • cllinda's Avatar

      Don't back away from her now. She needs you to be strong for her as her days are growing short. We never know how our journey will end. Be there for her. Be strong when you don't think you can.

      8 months ago
    • HardyGirl's Avatar

      I have been dealing with cancer for a few years now and during that time I've had a few friends and relatives to be diagnosed and pass away soon after. It always makes me wonder how I've managed to beat the odds while so many others do not.

      7 months ago

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