• Ideas In How To Deal With Mom Who Likes To Talk?????

    Asked by Sassmat on Saturday, March 8, 2014

    Ideas In How To Deal With Mom Who Likes To Talk?????

    Any ideas on how to deal with my Mom since my breast cancer diagnosis in Dec,, because I am at my wit's end!!! I of course love her dearly, but I am just so frustrated.
    My mom seems to think that she needs to tell everyone she knows & meets, about me having breast cancer. I mean people she meets in her drs office, her friends & even her "Oil Delivery guy" and her "Town tax collector!!!", People that have NO reason to know. She even told family before I had the chance to.
    I had told her from the beginning, that I did not want alot of people knowing, that I wanted to decide who knew or didn't know. I am not looking for attention from my disease, I want to look for the friends & family that are closest to me that would support me. I have talked with her & told her this again & again.
    Does anyone have any ideas to help? I just feel I have absolutely no private life at all because of her. It's bad enough that you lose all of your modesty through this disease .

    28 Answers from the Community

    28 answers
    • Upnorth's Avatar

      Have you made her repeat back what you are telling her? Some people just don't listen. This will tell you what she is hearing.

      If she repeats back your wishes, then I would ask what part of it she does not understand. Maybe explain to her that it's like this: Mom, if you were constipated (or whatever), would you like me to share it with the world? Maybe at the hardware store, library, town hall, ETC? Chances are no, so explain you expect the same respect and if she cannot support that then I would explain that in the future, it would be hard for you to share personal info with her, and you just don't want that kind of relationship.

      I have family members that I do not share certain information with. I've had to make that call for my own sanity. You can only put up with so much.

      Good luck.

      over 5 years ago
    • Gabba's Avatar

      Ditto "Upnorth"... Share only what you are comfortable with her sharing or do not share at all.

      over 5 years ago
    • cam32505's Avatar

      May I suggest that your mother needs to attend a support group. That is the place to bare your soul and find comfort from people in the same situation. I know how you feel about privacy. I didn't want my employer to know for fear of losing my job. As it turns out, my employer was very understanding, way beyond her young 35 years old.

      over 5 years ago
    • lilymadeline's Avatar

      I also think that Upnorth gave you a great answer and ditto! But I wanted to add that it sounds like your mother is really uprooted by this news and she just can't help but talk it about. But it isn't appropriate for her to talk to everybody like this, oh no what a nightmare and people probably don't want to hear it either! I think that it would do her some good to join a support group, many cancer support communities have support groups for caregivers and family members of cancer patients. She could talk about all her feelings there and then hopefully keep her trap shut the rest of the week. Parents often freak out when their children are sick because the worse thing in the world is to lose a child and even if you are an adult woman you are still her little baby, and most parents can't control their emotions at all where their babies are concerned....hopefully she will express herself appropriately to a support group or if one isn't available I would suggest that she goes into individual therapy with someone who specializes in loss or grief. Because she is feeling grief along with feeling fear and probably dozens of other emotions....cancer happens to the whole family unfortunately! Good luck and best wishes to you!

      over 5 years ago
    • barryboomer's Avatar

      WHY does SHE do it? Doesn't make sense to me. If you can figure out the WHY maybe you can figure out HOW to get her to stop. I would really read her the riot act as it is NOT NICE or constructive.

      over 5 years ago
    • NETsurvivor's Avatar

      I am with you. I have a daughter in law I just stopped telling her and my son what was going on. It really, really sucks. After numerous attempts to explain that It was not appropriate, to walk into a place when people I did not know would give me the look.. This was even after I had asked several times.

      I took control of what I had control of, and that is the information she had. When they asked why they are not kept in the loop, I honestly said "I do not want everyone knowing my business. " Point made.

      over 5 years ago
    • Sassmat's Avatar

      Wow, Thank You SOOOOO Much for all of the fantastic suggestions!!! I was actually afraid some people might think I was being over-reactive with this. After all she is my Mom & I know she worries, just as much as I would if it were one of my own kids. Personally, I think she tells everyone & talks because she is looking for the attention & sympathy that I DO NOT want!! I truly thought I was being nice & the good daughter when I told her all and kept her in the loop about everything. I think I may have to back off a bit, like it was mentioned, "For my sanity!!"
      The final straw came last night when she told me she told the "tax collector", who just happens to be a HS classmate of mine. Our 35th reunion is this year & I definitely did not want all my classmates to know. I just asked Mom.."You did WHAT???" Her reply, "Well she had cancer too, so I thought it would be OK"
      I also like the idea of the support group. I will mention that to her or perhaps talking to her pastor "instead of random people" AND I'll ask her to repeat after me.....
      Thanks again everyone.....At least this gives me a place to start with some hope....

      over 5 years ago
    • MMarie's Avatar

      I have a wonderful neighbor whom I love dearly, but she LOVES to gossip and loves to tell people about my cancer experience. I told her that my observation was if people asked about cancer, they wanted it to gossip, if that asked about me, they cared about me. I also needed to tell her that there are doors on exam rooms for a reason......it's private and privileged information. Don't mess up the privilege. .

      over 5 years ago
    • karen1956's Avatar

      When I was Dx and going through Tx, my folks lived across the country from me, so I have no idea who my mother told or didn't tell....BUT, I still didn't share much information with her because of all the questions she would ask me.....For example if she asked how I was doing I would always say okay...never told her about side effects......
      So not the same situation as you, but I would say share as little as you need to with your mother....The other gals have given you great suggestions...

      over 5 years ago
    • Sassmat's Avatar

      I agree that so much of this journey is private & should be. I am not trying to hide my breast cancer, I just don't think that I need to take out a full page ad, nor should my Mom. My Mom actually still lives in my hometown, so many people know me & my family. But most of those people I have not kept in touch with.
      Overall, I think I know my own mistake was to tell her everything right from the start. I never dreamed she would "put that full page out" even after we specifically told her not to. I see that I will be taking all of your advice & just curb back what I share with her
      Again, Thank you all. It's great to know that I have all of your support, from those that have been there...

      over 5 years ago
    • JennyMiller's Avatar

      I would be so frustrated with my mom if she announced my diagnosis to the world. Especially at first when I did not want anyone to know -- I had to accept it myself first before I shared. However, I did not have the opportunity to have this happen to me. My mom passed when I was thirty -- 38 years ago. I miss her every day especially when I am sick or have a problem -- there are times when only a Mom's nurturing can make things better. I totally understand what you are saying and agree with you but I would gladly endure the frustrations if I could just have my mom back for some of those tender years. I wish you the very best.

      over 5 years ago
    • Carol1286's Avatar

      I suspect your mum seeks attention. It's no longer about you, but how it's affecting her. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. My mum does the same thing. However, she lives an hour from me, so it's a little easier. One of my sisters is also a town crier. Then I get calls from my other siblings...I hadn't had a chance to talk to them. I firmly believe this makes the "town crier" feel important. I still love them. They mean well I suppose.

      over 5 years ago
    • junie1's Avatar

      the entire subject of having cancer is scary. My mom,, who has had cancer several times,, Didn't Even Want To Tell Her Own Children,, let alone other's.. If it wasn't for my sister -in- law,, I would not have known of my mom's cancer ( colon at that time),, then at that time it came out -- that my mother had breast cancer when i was high school!! so for years my mom wouldn't let her own children know of cancer in the family ,, and so when i went to the doctors,, i didn't know of any family history till i was in my 40's!! What shame that was,, So for you,,, it's the opposite of what i deal with,, My mom is 89 yrs old,, and still the same way,, won't let her son, nor I know of any illness she might have,,,, But Boy! does she get mad at me or my brother if We don't let her know of anything that's going on with us!! It's frustrating,, so basically i can feel for you,, my mom won't talk about things,, and your mom want's to tell the world! We Love our Mom's,, and I'll miss her truely ,, but she drives me crazy sometimes!! Good Luck to all ,,, God Bless,,,june

      over 5 years ago
    • TwinBirches' Avatar

      What I have found going through this is that everybody is different as to how they approach "the news." Some people are very private and some broadcast it. Both options are personal, individual, and okay choices. You have to do what works for you.

      My sister-in-law had BC and kept everything in, even certain things from her husband. When I was diagnosed and she was giving me advice, she said, "Who you tell and how much you tell is up to you, but don't bottle it in. I did and I'm sorry that I did."

      I almost felt ashamed and embarrassed when I first found out; that lasted about a nanosecond. Then, over time, I found myself sharing with total strangers in checkout lines. Why? Not because I wanted sympathy, but because I wanted to spread the word about this horrible disease, what to look for, the importance of mammograms, monthly self-checks, etc. What I have found through my 'sharing' is that there are a lot of misconceptions out there about who is at risk, how you can get it, and treatments.

      There were definite trends in peoples' thinking and most of it was incorrect. As for your situation with your Mom, all the other suggestions and support were great. The only thing I can add is try to put yourself in her shoes. I'm guessing she's 'up there in years' and may not fully understand everything you're going through. Plus, the last thing a mother wants to hear is that her child -- no matter how old they may be -- is sick and suffering. It sounds like this is a coping mechanism for her and a support group probably would be beneficial. I've met other survivors who don't talk about it much unless it's with other survivors. It's a strange bond between us.

      over 5 years ago
    • ChildOfGod4570's Avatar

      I wonder if she does need a support group because she is having trouble handling your condition? I know it had to scare the snot out of one of my sisters when I got diagnosed, and it seems now every visit or conversation has to have BC in it in some way shape or form. Is she the type who is wont to become scared when bad news hits? HUGS and God bless!

      over 5 years ago
    • sueoop's Avatar

      I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this now. My husband did the same thing to me, standing in the checkout line at the grocery store, the bank, anywhere it seemed that random
      people gathered. I too asked him stop but he was seemingly unable to do so. He needed the attention. I didn't even think about a support group, that is a great idea! I decided not to include him in the process and to limit the amount of information I gave him. It has been a lonely way to go. Now, 2 years out from diagnosis he seems to be content that the "episode" is over and has moved on. I'll be dealing with this for the rest of my life, alone.
      Good Luck to you!

      over 5 years ago
    • baridirects' Avatar

      I never had much sensitivity about who found out about my cancer...and in truth, once I started chemo and I lost my hair, I walked around bald and proud, so it was fairly obvious anyway. Now that I'm past treatment and my hair has regrown, I no longer get those "stop and stares" in the grocery store, but I am actively out there telling my story as part of the breast cancer support organization I volunteer for. I'm a singer, and performed bald during my treatment time as well, including singing the National Anthem at an NBA game in front of hundreds of people.

      All that having been said, this is your story to tell or not, as the case may be. I chose to tell my elderly parents only about 60%, since enduring the additional stress of all the details was not in their best interest. My older sister, who is a control freak of the highest degree, I did not tell at all until I was pretty much through treatment, since I did not want her trying to mastermind my journey. Otherwise, I answered all questions put to me honestly and openly, and accepted with gratitude the hugs and kind words of those sister and brother warriors who approached me when I was out in public. Your Mom may simply not know another way to deal with the situation...it may be worth seeking out counseling from a social services professional with experience in dealing with cancer patients, and talk out the issue. As others have said, it's important that you feel comfortable with how you deal with your disease - any approach is OK, as long as it's OK with you.


      over 5 years ago
    • princess123's Avatar

      Is this her way of dealing with it? Maybe she's just trying to cope.

      over 5 years ago
    • Mommabear52's Avatar

      First of all, say a prayer of thanks that your mother is with you. She is only worried about you. Secondly, my daughter has done the same thing. I think it's her way of dealing with the stress that is placed on those who love us that make them respond this way. At first I was upset, then I realized that she needed a release to all of the stress. While those of us trying to fight are more "within" themselves, struggling to cope, those who love us need a release to all the tension, and for some that is by talking. Best of luck, it's all going to be okay!

      over 5 years ago
    • barbsrec's Avatar

      I wish my mom was here to spread the word. I know the need for your privacy but your mom is just scared and fears losing you. Remember we know how we feel but our loved ones have no idea and I am sure they are comparing us to others they have heard about. Try to get her involved in a support group so she can understand what is going on. Try to remember that she loves you so much and the fear she must be feeling. I would only share with her limited information. This may be a good time to educate her so she can get rid of some of her fears. I used my bc as a time to educate my community and you would not believe the support I have received. Best of luck to you and just hold back the things you don't want your mom to spread.

      over 5 years ago
    • penny364's Avatar

      When I was first diagnosed, my boyfriend told a gossipy neighbor about my breast cancer. I learned of this when she rang my doorbell and came in to ask me a dozen nosy and uncomfortable questions. I was completely shocked and very angry- at him, not at her. I hadn't even absorbed the diagnosis myself and was certainly not ready to discuss it with a near stranger! After she left, I yelled at him and cried. Afterwards, we discussed my feelings and he had just been unaware that I wasn't ready to talk about it outside the family. He meant no harm. But he kept my news to himself after that and let me decide who to tell and when.

      You might try pitching a fit at your mother like I did. People don't mean to be insensitive, they just don't understand the emotions that go along with a cancer diagnosis. Your mom is violating your privacy and dignity and she needs to stop! You have enough to deal with right now without her blasting your private news to the world. When you're ready, you can tell whomever you want to tell. Probably that won't include your mother's oil delivery guy.

      I'm sorry you're going through this whole lousy experience and hope your mother finally gets the message. She should be supporting you, not upsetting you. Best of luck to you!

      over 5 years ago
    • evelynburris' Avatar

      Again, all the posts are helpful. My mom told me to go away and not upset her with all this cancer stuff, she couldn't handle it! So I share with my sister and on line with strangers! Love her and gently ask her to keep your business personal. Also agree with not telling her so much, but still be honest and kind. She is scared and sometimes when you tell someone they too had cancer and would love to talk to someone or encourage someone that they are a survivor!

      over 5 years ago
    • Sassmat's Avatar

      I do agree with all of you that are missing your Mom's believe me, Like I said, I love her dearly and would never want to be without her. I am just not a "public" person and never have been. I do believe that Mom is using my cancer as a way for her to get attention. I was also raised with respect for my parents & others, so it's very difficult for me to "get upset with her" But I guess I am going to have to try a little harder. I think maybe by starting with the suggestion of a support group & going from there.
      Again, Thank you to all of you & May God Bless you all for being here for me

      over 5 years ago
    • NETsurvivor's Avatar

      . Good Luck, In your quiet time, you will know what is best. So great that so many people would reach out to help a stranger. This is the best group of people ever!!!

      over 5 years ago
    • lorilaa's Avatar

      My fiancé told his mother about my cancer diagnosis (at the time when I was first diagnosed 1 1/2 yrs. ago) and then made it clear not to tell anyone. The next day she announced it on facebook. I wasn't happy with her doing this at all. I felt a lot like you do. I learned not to share the details with her but to keep the information vague. She was still told about my circumstances but not so much in detail until I completed all my treatment. It was just her personality to be like this she meant no harm. She even traveled two hours to be at one of my 15 min radiation appointments. Sometimes I think a lot of people don't know how to reaction to the news or even don't consider how it makes us feel when they do stuff like this. Sit down and discuss with her how this makes you feel and then keep the info to a minimum.

      Towards the end of my radiation treatments I needed support from my friends. All my facebook friends were there for me :) So all was not completely terrible in the end. Try and see some of the good in people knowing your condition. I ended up with some help with cooking from a local widowed man when I was going through treatments he just showed up with meals for us three times a week for two weeks. I was so sick I was so thankful for him doing this for me and my family. People pull together at times when we are going through things like this. :)

      over 5 years ago
    • Sassmat's Avatar

      Oh Yes, Lorilaa, I do know how people have pulled together to help us out. I find it totally amazing with all my friends have done. It brings me to tears when I think about how blessed I am to have these friends. My Mom has offered to do also whatever I need for her to do, but I do have an amazing husband that has been playing Mr. Househusband when I don't feel up to it. My Mom lives 45 minutes away and is 83, so I worry about her also. I truly don't mind certain people knowing at all, because I want the support & love...It's just I have issues with everyone my Mom runs into knowing. I am not ashamed of having breast cancer as some may think, it's just that I feel it's very personal, and that's the way I was raised.
      I guess I really need to get my courage up & sit & talk with her.......Thanks :-)

      over 5 years ago
    • jonjan13's Avatar

      Since I found out i have breast Ca....i only share my situation to people who i feel needs to know...i didn't even share it to some of my relatives...only my employer, team leader, supervisor and some workmates know and very glad that they are very very supportive....i don't want special attention..its okay to be ask how am I sometimes...I still want to feel normal around friends and relative who knows. Because some people are just plain nosy...sad to say. It is really our own decision who we feel need to know..it is our own personal journey. And all my friends who knows are very supportive and try to make me feel normal and they always include me in their prays. I wish you all the best!

      over 5 years ago
    • barryboomer's Avatar

      If I had it to do over I wouldn't tell ANYONE.
      There is a stigma attached to a Cancer Victim and there's no getting around it.
      Nobody needs to know except under special circumstances like needing time off from a job.
      It's NOBODY'S Business.
      I wonder HOW MANY cancer patients there are Presently in the USA?
      We wield a lot of Power if we all banded together into some type of Cancer Patients Union. We could use that power for some good Politically. We could demand a better food supply and better double blind studies of Nutritional Supplements and Raw Foods Diet. Ask questions about WHERE all the Money Goes....They can't be telling us the truth about everything when Big Pharma and Big Food and Government Lobby Guys all have a special interest in keeping the Gravy Train Going. Any Ideas???
      Barry b d b u t l e r @ c e n t u r y l i n k . n e t

      over 5 years ago

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