• Is it normal to have your spouse blame you for everything that goes on or goes wrong around the house because of your cancer?

    Asked by MerryMaid on Thursday, September 12, 2019

    Is it normal to have your spouse blame you for everything that goes on or goes wrong around the house because of your cancer?

    It's stressful and it makes me feel guilty, but I need their help and haven't said anything about all the comments yet. I can't do this by myself.

    6 Answers from the Community

    6 answers
    • DanielD's Avatar

      No it is NOT normal.
      My guess is that the added stress of cancer will typically intensify what's already there. If there are parts of your relationship with your spouse that aren't great then those parts are gonna get worse. And if there are parts of your relationship with your spouse what ARE great then those parts will get even better.
      There are lots of exceptions to this but I think it's a good general rule.
      Patterns are incredibly hard to change, MerryMaid. And the situation you describe is just awful. I am so sorry.

      about 2 years ago
    • Bengal's Avatar

      I can understand the stress but NEVER feel guilty. Nothing about this is your fault. If you feel uncomfortable confronting him about this is there someone else who might get through to him? A pastor, your doctor, another family member.......

      about 2 years ago
    • andreacha's Avatar

      MerryMaid - I don't believe this is normal at all. Some people would say he was an ungrateful xxx, but you seem surprised by his actions which leads me to believe that this is definitely out of his norm.
      The other thought I had was that it may be FEAR of losing you and he doesn't know how to express his true feelings. Sometimes the spouse or significant other act completely opposite of their natural behavior.
      It appears that both of you, especially him, needs counseling. Perhaps your Oncologist's Patient Advocate could set up some counseling for you both or at least some support for you.
      I sincerely hope that the two of you can get over this present hurdle and be able to fight this disease together, as one. Good luck.

      about 2 years ago
    • meyati's Avatar

      No, my husband was abusive-controlling-called me an idiot and a bunch of curse words-told me that I was incapable, but he never blamed it on an illness. He blamed it on my voice, blamed me for being Irish, lots of things but he never blamed it on illness. he told me that he wished that I'd die, so he could do what he wanted, but he never blamed it on illness. .

      about 2 years ago
    • Dawsonsmom's Avatar

      MerryMaid, I am so sorry you are having this additional stress. While it is stressful for families, cancer patients need to manage stress to better cope w all that is going on with your disease and treatment. Counseling could help if your husband would go, but I’m betting he knows he should not be treating you this way so is likely to refuse. I’m not recommending that you do anything in particular but honestly I would probably tell him to shut up and walk away. That said, I’m a blunt Midwesterner and that bluntness can be offputting. Hoping for better days for you.

      about 2 years ago
    • SandiA's Avatar

      My husband and I went through something similar. When thinks were going bad he talked to me like he was mad at me. I finally said I don’t understand why you are mad. I didn’t ask for this but I am trying my best and you being mad at me doesn’t help. He looked stunned. He said I’m not mad at you I am mad at the situation and scared. It took some time but he tried to adjust his reaction to things. I wish you all the best and hope things get better.

      about 2 years ago

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