• Just a vent

    Asked by Jalemans on Wednesday, August 27, 2014

    Just a vent

    Husband has a friend whose wife is going thru treatment for leukemia. Apparently, HER husband has never taken off work to be with her for any appointments or treatments. Apparently, she has zero side effects from her treatments & feels great. I should be happy for her (never met), but I wish the 2 of them would just go away. THEY are the reason my husband is acting like a jerk part of the time. They seem to think I am an adult & shouldn't expect my husband to miss work. They are the reason he thinks I am a lazy baby! Yesterday, I was really hoping my husband would come to my biopsy & hold my hand. He gave me a back-handed offer, "well I don't really have anything better to do so if you really want me to I could go with you... Otherwise I am going to visit my friend Dennis" (same friend).

    I am angry beyond belief about those two. They need to shut up & mind their own business! They don't know anything about me, my cancer, or my treatment!

    25 Answers from the Community

    25 answers
    • GregP_WN's Avatar
      GregP_WN

      Some people don't get that not all cancers are the same. Even the same cancer is different on two different people. And of course, you can't fix stupid.

      about 5 years ago
    • Qsommer34's Avatar
      Qsommer34

      Oh Jale... Man do I feel for you. My husband is the patient, but sometimes these 'male bonds' can be a real pain in the @$$. The fact that he's such a good friend of your husband and you wives have never met. I'd call her, sounds like you 2 could be great friends.. I'm betting she's not tickled about going at this alone either. I can hardly even type that without getting angry.

      about 5 years ago
    • BuckeyeShelby's Avatar
      BuckeyeShelby

      Not only same cancer, but same stages are different, too. I was REALLY lucky that I didn't have a bunch of nasty side effects. But I realize exactly HOW lucky I was. No one should ever consider someone a baby due to difficulties w/the disease or the treatment. Even outside of cancer, different people have different tolerances to meds, pain, etc. And some men are the biggest babies in the world. There is nothing wrong w/you -- problem is him.

      about 5 years ago
    • amontoya's Avatar
      amontoya

      I'm sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine being so sick and not having the full support of my husband. I'd like to give him a piece of my mind! I would tell both of these so called "friends" exactly what I thought of them. I would also let them know how difficult they are making things for you and I wouldn't care if my husband didn't like that. I have a voice and will never be miserable in silence. Stick up for yourself.

      about 5 years ago
    • gonewest's Avatar
      gonewest

      Amontoya is spot on. Get mad. He's lucky he's not my man. I would pack him a very small suitcase and tell him to go move in with Dennis.

      about 5 years ago
    • schweetieangel's Avatar
      schweetieangel

      Sorry to hear this, its hard enough going to the appointments and treatment but worse if you don't have your partner by your side and their full support. I would say something for sure if you haven't yet. Hope that he changes his attitude. Big hugs

      about 5 years ago
    • LiveWithCancer's Avatar
      LiveWithCancer

      I am sorry, Jalemans. I am glad though that you found out why your husband has not been supportive. It still makes me mad at him for thinking they have all of the answers ... and furious at Dennis and his wife, especially the wife if she is complicit in the whole "she's being a baby" attitude. Of all people, she should understand having cancer AND that everyone reacts differently.

      about 5 years ago
    • alimccalli's Avatar
      alimccalli

      Different cancers, different treatments. Like already mentioned, even the same cancer and treatment regimen can effect 2 people differently. You can't compare apples to oranges. There is nothing wrong with you - I think your husband needs to step up to the plate a little and be there for you and stop listening to this friend.

      Have you told him how you feel and let him know that you really need his support right now? Maybe he is scared, doesn't know what you need/want and sees how this friend is handling things and is using that as his example of how to act - not that that makes it right though. It is something that needs to be talked about between the two of you so you can get past it. He needs to understand your feelings and what you need from him. I also think you need to understand his feelings to so that you know where he is at. Cancer effects everyone, patients, caregivers, family, friends...

      Hugs to you...

      about 5 years ago
    • Carool's Avatar
      Carool

      Jalemans, big hug to you. As Alimccalli says, you and your husband should have a sit-down so that you can try to get him to overcome whatever negative feelings he has that are preventing him from being supportive of you. I know: much easier in the abstract than the reality! I know how hard it is to get some people - okay, usually male people of a certain age - to be flexible and to explore their feelings...and to change. However, he has to stop running away. And though his friends are manipulating him (and probably misrepresenting the level of side effects caused by her chemo), your husband is the one allowing them to manipulate him into latching onto this excuse for his lack of empathy and support. I hope you can get him to SEE what you need from him at this critical juncture in your married lives. Best, Carol

      about 5 years ago
    • KLC's Avatar
      KLC

      Jalemans your frustration is coming through loud and clear! I'm so sorry that at this time (when it's needed most) the support is not there for you). Is it possible, his reaction (or lack thereof), is his way of minimizing the situation so it's not a real threat for him??? Basically, a stick your head in the sand approach. You cannot control the actions of other, however, I do know 100% that this is having a negative effect on you and it's not good. I'm in agreement with those above that feel a sit down is in order. You need to convey (without anger or resentment), that his lack of support for you has you questioning the bond of your relationship. Hope no one takes offense to this, but, most men can't even function when the get a common cold! How would he feel if he was the one going through an illness and treatment? What would his realistic expectations be of you? Concern? Caretaker? or would he be okay if you just went about your business and expected him to do the same so it didn't affect you? I recall the old Benny Hill episodes where he used to smack the backof the head of the other man - - - maybe that's what you need to do!

      about 5 years ago
    • JoyceD50's Avatar
      JoyceD50

      So sorry you are going thru this. I have had to get my "Irish" up with my husband. He understands that I will only take so much "Stuff" from him before I will let him know he is being a jerk. Hopefully, you can get thru to him and you will have his support. If not, we are here for you and support you in any way you need.

      about 5 years ago
    • Keith59's Avatar
      Keith59

      Sorry to seem rude....but your husband needs to man up and support you. He seems to be very egotistical. I bet if the tables were turned.......I pray your situation improves for you. Blessings.

      about 5 years ago
    • AmyJo's Avatar
      AmyJo

      Wow, I am so sorry you are going through this, but glad you came here to vent. It's important to get it out, one way or another.
      I agree that you need to have a sit down with your husband.
      It's very discouraging when people compare cancer/treatments and sort of blame you if you react differently. I actually had someone accuse me of making it up that I had cancer because I never lost my hair and she told me that people with cancer "always" lose their hair.
      Perhaps he should go with you to the doctor and have the doctor explain your situation to him. Maybe it would sink in a little?????
      Augh.... I just don't know what to say. I hope this gets worked out and you get the support you need from him.
      God Bless.

      about 5 years ago
    • Bug's Avatar
      Bug

      Hi, Jalemans. I don't think I have anything to add to what folks have already said here. I'm just so sorry you are going through this. I don't know what I would have done without my husband. Please think about having that heart-to-heart with your husband. Maybe the other couple needs to be told that everyone is different, etc. The woman should know better. Hugs to you. We're here.

      about 5 years ago
    • cam32505's Avatar
      cam32505

      Different cancers and their treatments are vastly different, as are people. I had 2 different types of cancer. I was treated for uterine cancer first. That involved surgery, chemo, and radiation and lasted 7 months with me pushing to get treatment over before the holidays (made it, Dec 9 was last one). Then, I had thyroid cancer. Treatment involved surgery and radioactive iodine treatment. I was off work 3 weeks from surgery (mainly due to holiday and doctor wouldn't release til after follow up appt). Then, I went back to work for about 3 weeks, took 1 week off for tests/treatment for thyroid cancer. Now, it's just figuring out the thyroid medicine dosage. So, the thyroid cancer was much easier and took much less time off work.

      about 5 years ago
    • TXHills' Avatar
      TXHills

      Denial is not a river in Egypt. It is likely your husband is quite afraid of losing you, but as long as he can pretend that "it's not that bad", he can avoid facing the truth of your very serious illness. Some counseling might be in order, so that he can hear what you need to say, and he can get on board with you as your partner. Otherwise, he will regret not being there for you fully.

      about 5 years ago
    • Ejourneys' Avatar
      Ejourneys

      (((Hugs))) I'm sorry you are dealing with this [expletive deleted]. I wonder if printing out this page and having your husband read it might help. It would also inform you as to whether he is willing and able to listen to reason.

      about 5 years ago
    • Judt1940's Avatar
      Judt1940

      I bet Dennis's wife isn't aware that her husband is discussing this with yours. Hanging out with "Dennis" when he could be with you. I swear, men like for someone to relieve them of responsibility. (Sorry to you guys that standup.). My husband use to say "I don't have time to get sick". He found the time the last 10 years of his life.

      about 5 years ago
    • kalindria's Avatar
      kalindria

      Just as pregnancies are rarely identical, neither is any other health situation. I had my tonsils out in 1963 and sailed through it and my sister had a huge complication that kept her in the hospital for ten days. We would have had out surgeries at the same time except she got a little cold. Same doctor and everything.

      Humans can be so short-sighted sometimes.

      about 5 years ago
    • SueRae1's Avatar
      SueRae1

      Hugs, healing vibes and prayers to you and your family. Vent away that's part of what this site is about. As others have mentioned. Every one has different experiences and side effects when undergoing treatment for cancer. Even if you have the same type and stage, each of us is unique.

      They just don't get it. If what he is saying is true, they are blessed. Besides he should be with her for some appointments and treatments just as a sign of moral support, on the other hand maybe, she doesn't want him there, because
      I think your husband's friend is incredible insensitive, and maybe she does too. I don't blame you for wishing he and his wife would go away.

      Also don't believe everything you hear. The friend may be out of touch with what is really going on, or just barging to feel better. I've known several people treated for Leukemia, and they all needed to take some time off from work, because of how treatment affected their immune system.

      about 5 years ago
    • BoiseB's Avatar
      BoiseB

      I feel very sorry for both you and Mrs. Dennis. Evidently both your husband and Dennis seem to be Premo Long-eared Jackasses. Birds of a feather flock together.
      Sending prayers your way and a few for Mrs. Dennis also

      about 5 years ago
    • BoiseB's Avatar
      BoiseB

      I just keep getting angrier and Dennis. If I remember correctly you mentioned that your husband was very supportive at the first then he became non-supportive. Would your husband's non-support be at the same time he became friends with Dennis? If that is the case shame on your husband for letting such a creature as Dennis manupulate him. But Dennis is the evil here. My bet is that his wife is too intimidated too even ask to stay home from work.

      about 5 years ago
    • LuvinSis' Avatar
      LuvinSis

      And every patient is different in their needs. I'm the kind that doesn't want hubby or other people around. Hubby knows it and drives me when I'll be sedated or can't drive. . I don't like hospital visitors nor having hubby at appointments. But that's me, what you need is uniquely you. And in a marriage that's a partnership the spouse has to take into account what you need or want regardless if what anyone else has chosen in their journey.

      about 5 years ago
    • BoiseB's Avatar
      BoiseB

      I am with you on not having someone with you at appointments and procedures. My son does drive me to appointments but we always figure out some errands for him to do while I am in the appointment then he picks me up when I am finished. But I do love his support around the house. He doesn't actually do things he just makes them easier for me to do. That is what I love.

      about 5 years ago
    • Judt1940's Avatar
      Judt1940

      I don't like hospital visitors either. My daughter drives for my trips into Nashville for chemo and oncology visits. Feel guilty taking her time but not sure I could handle the traffic now, at my age. Worries me that I'm losing my nerve. I try to do as much on my own as I can.

      about 5 years ago

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