Have you talked to him and told him what you need? Some times spouses just don't make the best caregivers because of their personal involvement, personal stamina, or individual personalities. My husband is 75 and has health issues of his own, so I have to consider that in the balance. Talk to him and tell him what you need. If there are things that you need that he is unable or unwilling to provide, then look elsewhere for that support, whether other family, friends, or support services.
Invasive (Infiltrating) Ductal Carcinoma Questions
Lack of spouse support.
Asked by foneheads on Monday, December 12, 2011
Lack of spouse support.
Has anyone experienced lack of support from their spouse? Mine could care less if I just died on the couch. He doesn't help me at all. I have to fend for myself when it comes to the basics (food, drink and general health). He never asks me if I need anything and doesn't even ask how I feel from day to day. This, in itself is causing great depression in addition to the side effects from chemo drugs. Any suggestions?
10 Answers from the Community
My husband starting checking out after the dble mastectomy. He said cruel things to and I had to stay focused on the meds that he gave me (when he was there) because he would say that I should take more.
Cancer is hard enough to deal with. When your caregiver isn't really in check with you it makes things that much harder. Unfortuntaly he probably want change for the good.
If you have friends or family members to schedule time that you need them the most, that would be my suggestion for you.
I am sorry that you are not receiving the care you need. It is hard to understand why people back away.
Thank you for your responses. Our marriage has been rocky for years and this has put it over the edge. He says that I wasn't supportive enough when he had a mild back injury (just twisted wrong, not something that he hurt himself greatly) so he doesn't think that he should be very supportive of me. In my opinion, there is a huge difference between cancer and a twisted back. I do have my mom who comes and sits with me during chemo but she lives more than an hour away and I have a teenage daughter that is helpful. It's just heart wrenching to see that he doesn't care. I made some bad choices a few years ago and spent far too much money trying to help some homeless animals. It put us behind financially and to this day he doesn't let me live it down. He also does not work. He is perfectly able, but when our kids were small he was our "stay at home parent." He has taken full advantage of that. Our youngest is in school 4 mornings a week, but he refuses to help financially now even seeing that I cant work to full capacity while going through chemo. He says that I still have the responsibility to make up for my financial mistake. The weeks I feel pretty good I have to bust my butt to keep up and his response was if I hadn't made the mistake I wouldn't have to work so much. I don't even feel that I can ask him for what I need during chemo, but its so obvious that I need to have something to eat. He makes enough food only for himself and the kids during meal time. Again, I appreciate the help and advice.
I am sorry for your situation, I cannot say that I've had that problem, my wife has been great 23 years ago when we were young and I was diagnosed, she was scared, but took me to treatments, took care of me during my sickest times. As far as I'm concerned, that's just the way it is supposed to be. I think it is terribly selfish of any individual to treat someone that way during treatment. I have a friend going through breast cancer treatments that has a similar thing happening. We that know him have told him he is basically scum and should move out and let those who really care take over.
I don't have answers for you, but you have my support.
oh sweetie - i'm so sorry you feel so little support from your spouse. i cannot even imagine.
i'm like drummerboy - i just don't even know how i would do this without my loving sweetie ... i'm mushy ... we love each other... and i'm incredibly lucky to have someone who is so caring towards me. as drummerboy says - the way it's meant to be.
i can only hope that i'd be half as strong and half as awesome if our shoes were switched up.
this leads me to ask you - can you get good support elsewhere? do you have friends who can help out? last week, a couple of friends of ours brought us dinner... sooooo nice. do you have other family that can help?
my heart goes out to you....
Thank you both drummerboy and leepenn. I appreciate all of your kind words. I do have my family, but as I mentioned, they are all an hour away. I do also have a few friends that call/email once in a while. One of my son's friend's mom did make a really nice dinner and brought it over, too. It was really nice. I think it made my husband feel guilty. He -in so many words- told her that "we are just fine, there is no need for you to do that." I just try and do the best that I can, but some days are really tough. I appreciate that there is support here. I am thankful. :)
hi fh - i have to admit - i'm worried about you.... can you drive yourself out to see your family? also, your husband doesn't get to make that call - if the meal made YOU feel better... and helped YOU out... then that's awesome... i wish for you some kindness and some care and some peace.... i wish i could give you a big hug...
Have you looked into getting some type of care giver through the state? I know some states have people that will come to your house every day or every other day and help with every day stuff. You need to figure out some where that you can go or better yet that he can go so that you can get the peace of mind that you need to fight and take care of the children. Look under your government services in the phone book see what you can find or ask at your cancer center they may even know of a case worker that would be able to help you and make sure you get the type of food when you need it. Please try good luck and if you need to talk I'm here.
Honey, as soon as you have completed chemo I think you should get a formal separation. Living with this person is unhealthy, and you need to get out of unhealthy relationship. Don't stay for the kids....they will benefit by seeing their mom advocate for a healthy living situation. If he is the "stay at home" spouse, and prepares a meal for everyone but you when you are having chemo....... unacceptable. I don't care about the money: if you separate there won't be enough income and he will HAVE to get off of his b*** and contribute to the finances. As for making a financial "mistake" in the past.... excuse me, this happens all the time. True love means forgiveness, support and moving on. My husband has made BIG mistakes in the past, and while I was upset for a little while, ultimately I forgive and move on. You deserve better, and your children deserve to see their mom living an emotionally healthy life.
Many women file for divorce at times like this when the chips are down. THey realize they don't want to spend the rest of their lives with someone like that. Some men (like my dad) can be selfish, afraid, want to be the one that gets the attention, get angry when you aren't taking care of things.
They think they are supposed to fix everything and have no concept of 'being there'. Sound like you have support not too far away. If you can, talk to a lawyer about your rights and get someone to help you start to protect your assets and possessions. Seems like he he wants to control the $.
If you can't get him out of the house, can you go somewhere? This is dragging you down and you don't need it.
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