At the age of 27, Chiara Riga received a diagnosis of metastatic breast cancer, stage 4.
Chiara was well into her very intensive chemotherapy treatment when she realized that her valiant attempt to ignore her cancer and live with a sense of normalcy was not working very well. In fact, she eventually had to admit she barely had enough energy to get through the day. But worse, as she told Vox News, her pretense backfired psychologically.
About Chiara’s Diagnosis
Her doctors gave her about 10-15 years “if she was lucky”. Chiara will tell you was that the hardest part was watching her friends get married, have babies, and buy homes, all things she felt she could never do because terminal cancer will always be with her and separate her from her peers.
Three Years in September
September will be three years since Charia was diagnosed. She talks about friends who comforted her at the beginning but are no longer there for her now. She wants them to know that even though time has passed, and her news is no longer fresh, it is still her life and will continue to be as others go on with their own lives. Chiara feels that her friends assume that by now she should have her life well under control. But to the contrary, her life is always changing, and she needs to have her friends make an effort to “check in” on her occasionally.
She appreciates her friends being honest and asking if she wants a solution or just wants to vent. Chiara discourages people from trying to fix it when they cannot.
The Statistics
Approximately two million people in the United States will receive a cancer diagnosis resulting in over 600,000 deaths. In addition, the nation faces thousands more fatal illnesses related to heart, lung, kidney, stroke, liver or neurological diseases.
These numbers are of no comfort to families, partners, and friends trying to be compassionate and supportive to a loved one.
What Do You Say and How Do You Say It?
Meredith Cammarata is a social worker in oncology with the Cancer Center at Memorial Sloan Kettering in New York City. Meredith acknowledges that talking to a patient who has just received a shocking diagnosis presents a problem for the patients who have just been diagnosed as well as those who love them. Meredith suggests that a patient say that they are not really sure at the time what they need but could their friend or relative check in on them occasionally, as they may find it awkward to ask for help.
Feeling helpless seems to make people feel as if they must do something quickly, according to Meredith. She says that it is normal to feel helpless in these situations. Her advice is to stop and analyze your own feelings. Then, by approaching the patient with empathy, you will be better able to help.
Follow Your Loved One’s Cues
Meredith recommends following your loved one’s lead. She points out that there are times they want to talk and other times they do not want to discuss their illness.
Valentina Ogaryan is a clinical psychologist at UCLA’s Integrative Oncology Center. Valentina suggests that patients who have just received a life-altering diagnosis face complex emotions. They may not even be aware of what they really want or need or how to express those needs.
Valentina Offers Guidance
Valentina points out that the timing and pace of a patient’s cancer announcement is an individual choice. It depends entirely on what feels right to the patient. Remember that a patient does not have to tell everyone if they are not comfortable doing so. It is to be thought of as their own life and their own business.
The patient should feel free to choose with whom they wish to express their feelings. In this way they are building a secure and trustworthy support system. To the contrary, a patient may not have friends or family they can rely on with such sensitive news. In that case, the patient may contact others working with the same diagnosis or contact a mental health professional.
Valentina reminds us that coping with such distress is overwhelming for many patients. She suggests that the family or friends simply be a sounding board and listen while responding in a compassionate manner. Be sure to let your loved one know they have your permission to share their feelings and emotions as they arise.
Meredith Diamond is a 30-year-old Californian diagnosed with stage 4 nodular sclerosis Hodgkin lymphoma. She admits that she appreciates people saying that they do not know what to say rather than saying how sorry they are. An alternative to either the proactive or reactive language is to simply be present side by side in silence. To just be with the patient and in the moment.
Be prepared for either of the following two scenarios:
• A patient who can care for themselves physically but is seeking emotional support and is anxious to have conversations about the diagnosis, or
• The patient who may need a family member or friend to handle logistics but prefers not to get involved with emotional discussions.
In either case, it is best to speak with the treatment team to determine which type of support the patient needs.
Try to avoid platitudes such as “we will win this battle” or “you are a warrior”. Some people may find strength in these words, but others find them stressful. There are a series of “at least” sentences that should be avoided. For instance, “at least” they caught it”, “at least you do not need chemo”, or “at least you already have children” as obvious examples.
Chiara expressed her appreciation to the cancer community for what she considers to be the most significant factor to improving her mental health. While seeking help within an organization called After Breast Cancer Diagnosis, she became close friends with her mentor. Chiara also worked successfully with a psycho-oncologist.
She advocates with b-present which is an organization providing resources to support young adults and adolescents with cancer.
Concrete Offerings
Simply asking if there is anything the patient needs at the grocery store can be very helpful. Meredith also suggests buying a gift card to a restaurant or store. There are cute hats that may bring a smile or ginger candies to ward off nausea from chemo. She finds that links to meditations and special photos are appreciated.
It is better to offer support such as thank you for sharing with me and trusting me.
It is best to avoid overly dramatic but well-meaning phrases such as:
• How unfair it is
• This is the worst thing
• Why you?
People feel that is what the patient wants to hear but it just ignites more anxiety.
Avoid telling similar stories that either complicate or minimize the patient’s own experience. These diagnoses present challenges for everyone involved. Chiara remembers telling a friend that she had a scan scheduled in several weeks. Just prior to the scan she received a text from her friend simply saying she is thinking of her and wishes her well. Chiara said this simple timely message meant so much to her.
cancer metastatic breast cancer
Last modified: April 5, 2024
