• dog's Avatar

    My brother has 9 months left

    Asked by dog on Tuesday, October 21, 2014

    My brother has 9 months left

    He is in his final stages of his cancer,over 50 tumors.He has been on experimental drugs.Nothing works.He ,his wife and daughter age15 are going through the full range of emotions.Extreme anxiety,Anger on his part.Our father was a hypocrite priest so thats out...How can one find peace.It is like he is waiting,waiting waiting for the cancer to take over and finish him off.It is unbearable.Again I ask help from others what can i tell him to help him to help himget through this?He is expecting me to take care of him in his final stages.I have no problem with that.I have to be strong for every one.But is there anything that i can say or do that would help him stop the anxiety and anger?I myself felt short changed my whole life so nothing surprises me.Please I need advice from others on how they are coping.I live in New hampshire

    15 Answers from the Community

    15 answers
    • cam32505's Avatar
      cam32505

      Can you get hospice for your brother? They will support the whole family, and it sounds like you need that kind of support. You all have to accept what is coming and that is not easy to do. Your brother is young and has a young family to support, so there are additional issues to deal with. If you can't get hospice, ask the hospital for a social worker to get your help for all the things you need help with. I'm sorry for what you're dealing with. I lost my mother 1.5 years ago, and hospice was good for her, but didn't communicate with the family much. We had no idea she was close to the end, til it was the end.

      about 5 years ago
    • Qsommer34's Avatar
      Qsommer34 (Best Answer!)

      Well dog.. by the 'that's out' and 'short changed' comment I think we can cut to the chase with LIFE SUCKS AND THEN YOU DIE! That's a fact, nobody promised you not one single day on this planet. How many people have died suddenly in the time it's taken me to read and respond to this post??

      Babies dies, children die, look up Epidermolysis Bullosa, my niece has that... that traffic jam on the news this morning.. dead. That plane crash... dead. Firefighter... dead. Do I need to go on?

      Let me just say spiritually.. I'm not religious, always struggled with that, I too knew elders in the church that molested children. Salvation is NOT thru people.. but I can assure you, I have seen rock solid evidence of a spiritual world.

      If you want to exchange emails, need to go thru Greg but I'd be happy to. For your niece, you need to make him 'Buck up Buttercup' and give her a dad to be proud of.

      Truly the best to you from Kalamazoo
      Mary

      about 5 years ago
    • meyati's Avatar
      meyati

      All you can do is to tell him that you love him, and tell your niece that you love her.

      My father was an atheist that found Christ in his last days. I'm sorry that your father was such a hypocrite.
      Does he like poetry-music---can't you find counseling? I guess your sister-in-law isn't in the picture, as you haven't said anything about her. No wonder everyone has such strong and negative feelings.

      Call the ACS-see the purple rectangle above this on the right side. They will tell you if anything is available. Also look up LiveStrong-that group has programs. for teenagers. Does the school have any resources-counseling? I've found that talking to everyone sometimes gets results.

      about 5 years ago
    • NewBeginnng40's Avatar
      NewBeginnng40

      It's so easy for others who are healthy and not fighting cancer to truly understand this battle but like Qsommer said everyone will meet their endpoint of life. It's a hard thing to face and I live life through faith in Jesus Christ so I can't separate the two. All I know is that it gives me peace and strength and reminds me that God's will is bigger than what I want. Being such a control freak that was very hard for me to accept. I don't think life ends at death as Jesus stated in the Bible. I believe God loves each and everyone of us so much that we aren't just discarded when we die. If you understand the power of that love it changes you completely. My grandparents and parents are deeply faithful have fought many cancers and survived and they were fearless. I admire that courage and faith and understand the source of their strength. I can't go a day without prayer or reading the scriptures or I will start to fall apart. I trust in Him to see me through. I will pray for your brother but please understand that one bad person doesn't represent all Christians or Gods love for us. Focus on God and not humanity for salvation and strength. I wish I could give you a more helpful response but I just know that for every problem God is the answer. May He always be with your brother, with you, and with your family. Our hearts go out to you and we will keep praying for him.

      about 5 years ago
    • Ejourneys' Avatar
      Ejourneys

      The anger and anxiety are natural emotions to have, as difficult as they are to bear. I am both a cancer patient and a caregiver, and for me caregiving is much harder.

      This is more easily said than done, but I have learned not to take things personally. I have had to detach for my own mental and physical health. This does not mean that I care any less; it means I don't get caught up in my partner's drama. (She has MS with damage to her prefrontal cortex.) I keep reminding myself that it's the disease talking.

      I found these caregiver resources to be very helpful:

      http://www.caregiving.com -- very active grassroots network. Holds #carechat tweet chats on alternate Sunday nights. Has podcasts, webinars, forums, groups, chats, and other resources.

      http://thecaregiverspace.org/ -- another excellent grassroots network. Also has webinars, forums, etc.

      http://www.caregiver.com -- more corporate than the other two but also a good source of support. Sponsors one-day Fearless Caregiver Conferences across the US, free to family caregivers.

      When a dear friend of mine was dying from colon cancer, I was helped by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's book On Death and Dying. I also found My Gift of Grace to be helpful for talking about end of life issues: http://mygiftofgrace.com/

      I also second cam32505's suggestion of using hospice. Also, if he is not already doing so, I would ask if your brother could see a palliative oncologist. All oncologists are trained in basic palliative care, but a palliative oncologist takes that specialty further:
      http://www.cancer.net/navigating-cancer-care/how-cancer-treated/palliative-care/caring-symptoms-cancer-and-its-treatment

      about 5 years ago
    • gonewest's Avatar
      gonewest

      Perhaps a different perspective might help. Best to you and your brother on his continuing journey. http://hayagriva.org.au/?page_id=13

      about 5 years ago
    • MoveIt2012's Avatar
      MoveIt2012

      My heart breaks for your entire family. I was the age of your niece when I went thru this with my mother. I agree that a call to hospice would be a good idea. I will also say that your niece might benefit from counseling, I would have.

      As cancer patients we all have to look hard at our own death. For me that meant looking at and addressing the practical issues my family will face at some point. Then, I turned to my faith. This is the only place I have gone that truly gives me HOPE. I know, without any doubt, that I will move on some day to a place that is heaven. Without God, I simply don't have that.

      I am and will continue to pray for all of you.

      about 5 years ago
    • meyati's Avatar
      meyati

      I was 12, and I walked past a church every day. I felt like it was calling me. I felt some comfort. My family were atheists. I started getting up on my own and going to church. I found a comfort just being there. My younger brother saw that church was changing me. I was losing my anger. I was having peace. My Irish grandmother bought me a Bible. My brother and I went to church alone- and found peace and comfort in the word of God. My poor father, managed to get out of bed, and he joined us. I fed my father, I changed his sheets, I cooked his dietary food.-I wasn't distanced from my father. We became Christians, and we had comfort that we didn't have before. He thanked God for the peace that he found. I know that others are more fervent than I am. I know that they will tell it from the mountain top. I do know that God's love reaches out to us, no matter how many hypocrites there are, no matter how much people fail us. No matter how we're raised.

      David said in the Psalms that he knows that he'll be judged on God's strength, not on his human weaknesses. Without God's strength and the sacrifice of Christ, I have nothing. I know that because I had nothing before Christ.

      about 5 years ago
    • Gumpus61's Avatar
      Gumpus61

      Some say "Die well"........I say, live well until you die.......concentrate on that.

      about 5 years ago
    • Qsommer34's Avatar
      Qsommer34

      this post led me to research near death experiences.. I know a number of nurses who have witnessed and my own experience with my father.. a spiritual 'after death'.. Good videos on youtube.

      Starting at 10 minutes, a gap on the Dr.. then again at 17 minutes ... real people giving their experience.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSnxPo9QZo8&feature=youtu.be

      about 5 years ago
    • Phoenix76's Avatar
      Phoenix76

      Yes, having cancer does bring the reality of death into sharp focus. I think that the anxiety and anger are normal, healthy emotions to feel in such a situation. If he's turned off by hypocritical priests, then perhaps exploring some other spiritual avenues might be of some comfort. I would also suggest that the family plan a trip together (if his treatment allows it) - it could be for just a few days - to some beautiful park or activity that the family would like to do, and just share time together (time is so precious!). Say everything that needs to be said. Be confident that whatever good he has done in his life will live on.

      This may sound odd, but when my mother died (it was sudden and unexpected), I was comforted by the fact that everything had been arranged beforehand - will, funeral arrangements, etc. When we would have discussions and I told her I didn't want to talk about her death, she would just chuckle and say, "Well, it's going to happen some time!"

      Peace and blessings upon you and your extended family.

      about 5 years ago
    • LiveWithCancer's Avatar
      LiveWithCancer

      My faith is what gives me peace. No matter how many hypocrites, and there are many, God's love surpasses it all. The idea of living in complete peace for eternity because of my salvation is very calming for me. It makes the idea of dying a much less scary thought. I can't imagine going through cancer without the knowledge that when I die. I will be in the presence of Jesus ... and awsy from all of those hypocrites, I might add.

      If you guys haven't already, I would seek some counseling for the entire family. I would also speak to his doctor about anti-depressants. Scared and angry are fairly typical reactions.

      Hoping for peace among you all so that your brother's final days will not be lived in anger and distress. Good luck to you as well as the caregiver.

      about 5 years ago
    • Jan1ce's Avatar
      Jan1ce

      it sure does suck. and why wouldn't it make anybody anxious and angry? you can't change anyone. he has to think outside himself and maybe he will and maybe he won't. for his family's sake, i hope so. this forum was enormously helpful for me. i never felt judged or selfish or any other difficult thing. we all have our own responses and triggers. the other thing that was a big help to me came to me through livestrong and that was www.imermanangels.org/ - they sent me a mentor angel who, even after dad's death, i keep in touch with as i go through this next phase. sending you strength and PATIENCE!

      about 5 years ago
    • rnmdiv's Avatar
      rnmdiv

      Dog, this is today. We all have events in our past that have made us cynical or doubt the existence of goodness in this world. But after we move on and live our lives we realize those who have hurt us probably meant no malice; they were just being selfish. Peace of mind and heart can be had by the desire to forgive those who caused us our psychological and spiritual unrest. Many people express rejection of God because we make Him in OUR image, instead of the other way around. God is never mean or vindictive or a demanding tyrant, never causes evil, loves always, and is merciful beyond all imagining. Knowing of God's love and mercy, perhaps you and your brother can pray for your father and ask for grace to forgive hurtful people and to ask for forgiveness for anything that either of you have done in retaliation.
      It seems to be an inborn trait of males to "fix" things. It is terribly against their nature to just give in to cancer. I have stage IV kidney cancer too, and I'm not giving up any time soon. But when the time comes, I will ask the Lord to help me die with a peaceful heart. I will pray for you and your brother. Sometimes realization of the closeness of death brings families to reconcile with one another. I truly hope for that to happen for your family members.

      about 5 years ago
    • Keith59's Avatar
      Keith59

      I pray your brother takes time to seek Jesus...our Lord and Savior...and finds salvation and forgiveness. Jesus will give a peace that surpasses all understanding that only he can give. Never give up on "Devine" healing my friend. I pray this peace fills your hearts and homes on this journey.

      about 5 years ago

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