• MY Husband was given weeks to live over 2 months ago, since then we have been doing all sorts of fun stuff, people think he should stay home

    Asked by JoLoaretti on Sunday, February 3, 2013

    MY Husband was given weeks to live over 2 months ago, since then we have been doing all sorts of fun stuff, people think he should stay home

    I want to know how do I get people to understand these are his last days, and I want him to do what pleases him most, if he wants to die while on a road trip through the ancient redwoods, I think that is just as alright as someone wishing to die quietly at home in bed. he does not want things, he just wants to see things and places of wonder....seems legit to me but we have family stepping in telling me "NO MORE" or "it is TOO much", for who, My dying husband or the family....who do I please? to me it is a no brainer but to so many it seems as if I am out of line for giving him his wishes

    13 Answers from the Community

    13 answers
    • GregP_WN's Avatar

      I can understand your concerns over the families wishes, but in my opinion, the families wishes are 2nd place. His wishes are #1. The family may be more concerned over them not seeing him than his wishes.

      My mother and father were both given "a time". For dad it was fairly quick, within weeks. He was confined to a nursing/hospice center. He kept wanting snuff and liquor. We gave him what he wanted. Same with Mom, she wanted to go to a few places, we done whatever she wanted and gave her what she wanted to eat. The way I looked at it was this was the last days of THEIR life, not mine.

      I wish you both the happiest days you can have. I learned more about my parents in the last months of their lives than I did in the previous 50 years of mine.

      over 9 years ago
    • nancyjac's Avatar

      Don't waste any of your precious time (or his) trying to get anyone to understand. That is their problem and it is not yours to deal with.

      over 9 years ago
    • gwendolyn's Avatar

      Sounds like they want him home for their own selfish wishes. To heck with them. If they want to spend time with him they can join him at the places he wants to be. I'm thrilled with what you and your husband are doing!

      over 9 years ago
    • karen1956's Avatar

      Your husband is too busy living life!!!! Ignore what the other people say....don't let them get in the way of doing what your husband and you want to do....it sounds like its "too much" for them....as long as your husband is enjoying himself, keep going...and I say good for you!!!!!

      over 9 years ago
    • FreeBird's Avatar

      “You can please some of the people some of the time, all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time, but you can never please all of the people all of the time.” Lincoln

      "You gotta look out for number one. But don't step in number two." Rodney Dangerfield

      Clarify his goals for what he wishes to do with his time. Your job is only to empower him to do what he wants to do and is able to do, not to strap him down to a bed to watch the sand run out of the hourglass. All you can do is say that you're helping him carry out his wishes, that there is no way to cure it at this time, you're taking breaks when he gets tired, he's getting his medication on time and as needed, you're making the most of every precious moment, he's with someone who loves him, and he's doing what he wants to do.

      If he's not receiving treatment, I recommend Hospice to make him as comfortable as possible while he's doing the things he wants to do. Best wishes to you and your family.

      over 9 years ago
    • Peroll's Avatar

      I agree with all of the answers here that you two should do what he wants. Its his life not anyone elses so he should live it like he wants.

      I do want to let you know that if he becomes ill there may be some issues with air travel. A few montrhs vback there was the case of a local woman with terminal cancer that took a final family vacation to Hawaii but while there became too ill to fly home on an airline filght. They had to arrange a priovate flight with a nurse that cost something like $50,000. Apparently the managed to get donations to cover the cost but you should be aware of restrictions on some modes of transportation.

      Good Luck and we will all pray for a miricle remission from your travels!!!!

      over 9 years ago
    • Clyde's Avatar

      I wouldn't bother with explanations to anyone. Enjoy your time with your husband while you can. You can talk to the naysayers later. I would be furious if my family prevented me from spending my last few days the way I wanted and if given the choice of a few days tied to a bed with long faced people boring me to.........or one out in the open living, I'll take the one. You are so right that it is a no brainer,

      over 9 years ago
    • SMT4's Avatar

      Take the time you have and enjoy it to the fullest. Maybe you can offer to do a few little trips with the family members that don't want him to leave. Maybe they are afraid to express they don't want to be away from him and they are afraid they are missing out on time with him. A couple of family activties with everyone could create some memories all can share. But foremost his wishes should be first.

      over 9 years ago
    • carm's Avatar

      Hello, as a nurse who works in end of life care and I can tell you that Nancyjac is right on the money. If others are having a problem with your husbands decisions then its their problem, you need not make it yours. As caregivers our role is to support the decision of those we tend to. This is their journey and not anyone elses journey. I am sure if it was their journey they would not appreciate someone telling their way of experiencing it is wrong. Your husband knows what is best for him. You are doing what is right, helping him fulfill his wishes. How can that be wrong? At a time as a caregiver when you have the option to be selfish, you took the high road to be selfless. If his time is limited then you cannot save him, as a nurse I know that at that juncture all I can do is provide my patients with a good death. I commend you, your display of love and compassion is evident. Best of luck to you, Carm RN.

      over 9 years ago
    • LisaLathrop's Avatar

      I agree with GregP_WN....his wishes come FIRST. Perhaps the family thinks lying in bed at home will lengthen his time on earth. Maybe it will, maybe it won't....but that doesn't mean he should stop living. Just my opinion, but live it up while he feels up to it! Do those things he's alwyays wanted to do...and he'll know when to stop. Perhaps he'll gain some time out in those Redwoods....no one really knows when his time will be up except for our God. And miracles have way of happening. Go, Go Go...as long as he feels up to it...GO!

      over 9 years ago
    • Laureen's Avatar

      I remember sitting on my couch one nite, shortly after Dx & in the middle of chemo saying, "Ed's gonna be able to say 'we watched a lot of tv together.' Then I asked myself if that's how I want him to remember us. My brain wandered about for a while & said 'Bucket List'. We began a bucket list of our own. Some of the things are too expensive or too far away, but it gets us talking & thinking. I even ordered the vacation pamphlets from some states to prepare itineraries for trips. Also, these booklets make me think about what Long Island has to offer similar to say, Maine or Massachusetts. Hurricane Sandy threw a monkey wrench into my list, but I just moved the things from November 2012 to November 2013......something to look forward to.

      over 9 years ago
    • Lirasgirl33's Avatar

      He needs to do what makes him happy. This is what life is about. Of course also taking care of himself but I'm sure he is. :) When I first started treatment, I still made plans on the weekends. To go out with the kids, to have fun, visit places, etc. My dad told me I should stay home and rest, to not overdo it. I know he meant well by telling me that, he was showing concern. I told him that I would be careful and that I would check with my doctor and approve outings. The doc told me as long as you feel good and have the energy go for it! Just make sure to avoid places with too many people if your counts are low. Which I did. I also told my dad that as long as I have the energy, and strength I will continue living life. I will not lie in bed when I know I can get out of it. If the day ever comes when I "have" no other choice but to be in bed, then that's when he'll see me there. :)

      over 9 years ago
    • JoLoaretti's Avatar

      so grateful to have had so many of you validate how I'm helping him with his wishes, there are no words for how hard a journey this is. to me 1 of the hardest things is not caring for my husband it has been juggling all of the people who would like to input how we should live our life, often those are the people that never show up to help during the hard times. I am so grateful he doesn't want to just sit in bed. The things we have seen since the terminal diagnosis have been amazing The Dream Foundation sent us on a journey to fulfill 1 of David's wishes and we were able to do a road trip up to the ancient redwoods in Humboldt County a few weeks before that we took a trip up to the Sequoias. It was snowing heavily and we had the park all to ourselves if you want to go do something I hope you go do it I hope everybody that loves you helps you do all you want to do life is uncertain for all of us cancer just makes you understand how precious every moment is.

      over 9 years ago

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