• My Wife

    Asked by ticklingcancer on Thursday, October 11, 2012

    My Wife

    I'm pretty excited to have found What Next. I've been looking for ways that I could give back a little. Share my experience with someone who is just starting out. Offer encouragement to someone having a rough time. Answer questions about some of the medicine I took or side effects I experienced. I try to get my wife involved but she just doesn't seem interested. I've mentioned the site before and get responses like "that's neat" with no elaboration. She nevers asks me about the site or anything I'm trying to do. Sometimes it makes me mad but I know she just doesn't want that constant reminder. Do I have reasons to get upset or should I just lay off with the "cancer talk" with her?

    17 Answers from the Community

    17 answers
    • nobrand's Avatar

      I have consumed so much reading material about cancer itself, that sometimes I don't make any sense to my partner. I also get the "that's neat" type of responses, then I go to any cancer website and discuss instead.

      I'm starting to learn that I have to pick and choose what I want to talk about in regards to cancer to avoid feeling that upset feeling. I just can't expect anyone else to understand what I'm going through.

      For me, it's like my brain is orbiting around cancer. For everyone else, their brain is orbiting around my mortality when I talk about it-- it really leads to some flat, one-sided "that's neat" type of conversations.

      over 8 years ago
    • GregP_WN's Avatar

      I am with you guys, I am consumed with cancer, in more than one way, and I am dealing with it everyday, several hours a day, even more now with helping on this website. My wife used to be concerned, but wasn't "all in" untill a couple years ago when we lost my Mom and Dad both to cancer in a 10 month period. So now she is "in" with me on Relay meetings and fund raisers, but does get a little miffed that I spend so much time on the computer.

      Maybe she will come around.

      Thanks for being here at any rate.

      Greg P

      over 8 years ago
    • nancyjac's Avatar

      My husband is into classic cars....big time. I listen to him and our son talk about them, I go to some car shows just to keep him company, but basically it just isn't my thing. A lot of cancer survivors take up cancer as a hobby....support, fundraising, etc. But to expect someone else to share you enthusiasm for it just isn't your call.

      over 8 years ago
    • ticklingcancer's Avatar

      Nancy, you have a great point. I think I am guilty of "expecting" her to be interested when in reality, I shouldn't. I guess it's my thing now and maybe one day she'll show more interest. Don't get me wrong, I don't resent her or anything I just sometimes wish should would be a little more involved and see how rewarding it is. But like you said Nancy....it isn't my call. Very good feedback...thank you.

      over 8 years ago
    • bp440's Avatar

      As the spouse I needed some way to reach out, but am not good in groups. My husband, the one going through all of the cancer treatment has not shown any interest in participating. It is all so personal. There are times when I read what others have written and find great comfort. I also stop feeling sorry for myself as others have greater challenges, but there are times I have to take a break from reading it as I also get scared when I see the reoccurrence of this nasty disease. You can only make your wife aware of this tool and let her make up her mind if this works for her. This is great that you are willing to reach out and help others with their journey.
      Thank you

      over 8 years ago
    • Harry's Avatar

      Dealing with cancer is not a "hobby," but our attitude toward the subject has the same characteristics. I could probably bore most of you on the subjects of fly fishing or genealogy. My son-in-law could bore everyone on World-of-Warcraft. To those not dealing with cancer in one way or another, our interest in the details of oncology, chemo, etc. are the same sort of thing. They are interested in the more morbid aspects--they think they understand death--but the day-to-day details of living with cancer are not interesting.

      Fight the good fight. Make whatever contribution you can. Live.

      over 8 years ago
    • lynn1950's Avatar

      Although my husband doesn't dis me for being a part of this site or CSN, he doesn't participate and we rarely talk about it. I think he just wants to put the whole cancer thing in the past, as much as we can. Like you, I want to give back for all the support I received. My husband is such a good man and has so many other fine ways of giving that I just let him be.

      over 8 years ago
    • Peroll's Avatar

      As the cancer patient I am not good at knowing why some spouses participate and other don't. You could ask my wife who goes by Queen_Tatiana here on whats next. I do think that at some point of our journey with cancer she has just wanted to forget about it and hope that it will just go away, I have felt that way myself. Since I found this site a couple of months ago and shared it with my wife, we have both found it therapeutic to share. I think everyone deals with cancer differently and pushing others to deal with it the same way you do will not work. My wife has interperted my seemingly always positive outward attitude as a sign that I don't understand how serious my cancer is. I do understand how serious it is but I know that to continue the fight I need to believe that I have a chance to win. We have had many discussions about this. If you think your wife would benifit from this site, talk with her about it and mention that there are lots of spouses and caregivers (maybe more than the actual patients) and that just reabing the questions and answers may make her aware that there are others where she is at and they can help her deal with her situation. I am also sure that my wife will welcome her and help her understand how this site can help her. Good luck with your journey.

      over 8 years ago
    • Cindy's Avatar

      My husband doesn't like me focusing on cancer sites and wants me to put all that behind me now that my treatments are over. When I told him that I was trying to help others and not worrying about cancer by participating on this site he was okay with it. He isn't the type of person that likes to read and write a lot. My husband does participate in the Relay for Life with me.

      over 8 years ago
    • FreeBird's Avatar

      No wifectomy for you! You still have to install the microwave. You're not getting out of it that easy.

      She maybe has her own ways of dealing with it in her own time, and giving you some space to do what you need to do. It's difficult to know what she's thinking without knowing her personality. I wouldn't read anything into it.

      As far as laying off the cancer talk, no. I would continue to talk about it as you feel you need to.

      over 8 years ago
    • JudyS's Avatar

      Hi ticklingcancer,
      I wouldn't be upset with your wife and I wouldn't lay off talking about what is important to you. My daughter doesn't want me looking on the web about cancer or talking about it. She says it's because I haven't moved on if I do that. I think it's hard for people who have not been through this to understand why we feel it's important to stay up on the health issues and also give back. I think it scares my daughter and she's rather not deal with the fact that her Mom has changed permanently due to the experience of having cancer. My husband listens but also doesn't understand how it feels. I don't think I could have ever understood how it feels before this happened. It's our reality and we need to do what makes us feel better while also taking our family's feelings into account. I think this site is great because I can express my feelings so openly, I know someone out there understands what I've been through and continue to go through. I wish you well and many blessings!

      over 8 years ago
    • LuvinSis' Avatar

      Hi ticklingcancer:

      Do you think your wife would participate if you volunteered at a local fundraiser/walk event (or anything similar)? That might be a way she can participate and support you (and the cause).

      over 8 years ago
    • mgm48's Avatar
      mgm48 (Best Answer!)

      Hey, did you marry her so she could be on What Next? Didn't come up when you were dating, did it? Everyone deals with this cancer in their own way. I don't see you complaining that she's not there for you, so what if she doesn't want to participate in this forum. My wife loves olives, I can take or leave them - It's no reason to be upset. I study the info on cancer, my wife is there for me in spades, but would really rather just hear what the doctor says and leave it at that. I love her and feel very fortunate to have been married to her for 43 plus years.

      Keep it positive and smile :)

      over 8 years ago
    • Modern's Avatar

      I an 18 girl who has never been in a relation ship may not have room to speculate but I'd say its just subject overexposure. My best subjection is to just sit down and talk about all this if she knows its important to you she might become more invested however if she's puppy sly tring to distance herself from the subject and talking about it briefly and maybe focusing on something fun and non cancer related for you to talk about. Just an idea . Good luck :)

      over 8 years ago
    • Beaner54's Avatar

      I hear you.
      Bottom line, unless you are a cancer fighter, it is difficult to relate to the disease. If it has become a "hobby" for you then go ahead and enjoy it but try not to be upset that she doesn't share the same enthusiasm. My husband loves dirt track racing and hunting - neither of which I give 2 hoots about.
      We are all unique individuals. My husband is very supportive and still goes to every doctor appointment with me.
      I don't expect him to "live" this journey.
      Support groups are a great help.

      over 8 years ago
    • dvdbriansr's Avatar

      My wife has completely overlooked all the frightening facts of what can be expected on my journey to defeating my cancer. She goes completely blank if anything negative is said, by me, my oncologist, and radiation Dr. She REFUSES to accept any facts that the treatments will cause any problems for me as she believes with all her heart that I'll be strong enough to tolerate anything thrown at me. I have to be extremely careful when it comes to talking about anything to do with cancer. But she loves me to death (or to life) and just cannot accept the fact that this is a sensative issue. So yes, I too have to choose carefully what I say around her. She's hurting enough for both of us. But, I know it's because she still loves me to all ends and will do anything and everything within her power to help me through anything and everything. Just because she doesn't take what your doing with the same enthusiasm as you, it does not mean that she doesn't care or is not interested. It could just be her response to all of "her" fears.

      over 8 years ago
    • Crash's Avatar

      You can tell her about the really weird answers you get, like this one. But otherwise just say what's on your mind. Poor communication, (IMHO) causes 99% of the problems in the world. Don't expect her to feel as connected to this site as you are. I mean, she didn't get her nut chopped off did she?? I too think this site is neat and necessary. I don't often get the opportunity to communicate with someone else who has had his nut chopped off too. The times I have had the opportunity, they were tight lipped. I'm sure that you feel like I do that thank GOD the Lord makes somethings in pairs!! That's pretty forward thinking on the Almighty's part. I can see him thinking....."now this is pretty important, I'll give him two in case he loses one." I see that you have the right attitude. When I was in the hospital for my ten day chemo treatments I would wear green, latex, elf shoes,and a simpatico nurse gave me a rubber chicken to hang from my IV pole. It made perfect sense. Party on!

      over 8 years ago

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