• Need help Husband having rough time dealing I do not know what to say or how to help.

    Asked by lindi143 on Thursday, July 23, 2015

    Need help Husband having rough time dealing I do not know what to say or how to help.

    He is having great difficulty dealing with the uncertainty, the ED and just coming to grips with having caner. The prostate has been removed but we have not had a pathology report. I think that must mean it was contained. But we dont know. He is very upset to day, saying i dont know if Ill be here next week. Everything I say is wrong Any suggestions especially a mans point of view is greatly appreciated. Thanks

    20 Answers from the Community

    20 answers
    • LiveWithCancer's Avatar
      LiveWithCancer

      Hugs, @lindi143. I can't imagine how difficult prostrate cancer is or can be for a man. Hopefully, you will hear from some of the men here who can help you understand better what he can't right now tell you.

      I wondered if you could make a discreet call to the doctor to see what's going on? You should get results, i would think. Waiting on those results is soooooooo difficult. For you as well as your husband.

      about 5 years ago
    • barryboomer's Avatar
      barryboomer

      Just let him be right now and work through it. We spend most of our live controlling our environments to be SAFE and all of a sudden he is NO CONTROL. It rocks the equilibrium. See if he can come HERE....Check out Chris Beat Cancer for some hope and some positive things HE an do to get some of the control back. Buy the book Radical Remission by Kelly Turner PHD.....Have him check out on PubMed Vegan Diets and Prostate Cancer. As far as the ED well there is a TV Commercial on every ten minutes to help that. I wrote a funny song called GETTING OLD S U C K S and have a line in it that says I CAN'T GET IT UP AND GOT MY TEETH IN A CUP AHHHHH THE GOLDEN YEARS. I have a great nutrition site if you want....But you can't really help him as far as how he feels.....no matter what you say HE won't take it well because you really DON'T know what it feels like.....Get on Line and Research everything you can from Nutrition to Chemo and beyond....Just Let Him Be for right now.....tell him you love him and you'll be there IF he wants to talk or needs you....It WILL be OK and maybe the cancer is contained and it won't be so bad.......Barry GOOD LUCK!

      about 5 years ago
    • lindi143's Avatar
      lindi143

      Thank you so much Barry I needed to hear from a man. You have really been a huge help to me.It is best to just let him be that is the best advice. I know that from being married so long but needed to hear it from someone else. I will get these things and look into the site you suggested.
      It is so hard to see someone you love so be so upset and know you just cant fix it. We always want to fix things but we just can't. Love the song getting is NOT for the faint of heart for sure. It is tough. Thanks again. Linda

      about 5 years ago
    • cllinda's Avatar
      cllinda

      I agree with Barryboomer. He has no control and that is upsetting. I know when I had cancer, I didn't sleep much, and cried a lot after the diagnosis. Men handle things differently than women. I would leave him be. Maybe suggest to see a priest or minister, or a counselor to help him understand what is going on. Cancer sucks, and there is not an easy one-size fits all kind of cure or way to get to remission. Read up on the disease, and help him in whatever he needs. I'm sorry you both have to deal with this monster. Hugs.

      about 5 years ago
    • barryboomer's Avatar
    • barryboomer's Avatar
    • Ejourneys' Avatar
      Ejourneys

      I also agree with Barry. And speaking as someone who is both a caregiver (my partner has MS) and a cancer patient, it's very important (and, yes, very hard) to detach and to not take things personally. This is the disease talking. The main reason a patient lashes out at a caregiver is because the caregiver is *there*, period. You are not doing anything wrong. His anger and frustration -- and especially fear -- need an outlet.

      These sites have helped me:
      http://www.caregiving.com -- very active grassroots network. Holds #carechat tweet chats on alternate Sunday nights. Has podcasts, webinars, forums, groups, chats, and other resources.

      http://thecaregiverspace.org/ -- another excellent grassroots network. Also has webinars, forums, etc.

      http://www.caregiver.com -- more corporate than the other two but also a good source of support. Sponsors one-day Fearless Caregiver Conferences across the US, free to family caregivers.

      I just learned about this site, Help For Cancer Caregivers:
      http://www.helpforcancercaregivers.org/

      PS: I get all the hospital and medical records I can. Even if the tumor is contained I would still ask for a pathology report.

      about 5 years ago
    • msesq's Avatar
      msesq

      My Husband had surgery for prostate cancer June 2, 2015 and has almost completely recovered and very happy he had the surgery. The hard part of prostate cancer is the difficult choices you have to make and the side effects of each choice. We found that the surgeons recommended surgery but made our decision when the radiologist recommended surgery too. Do your homework and get a second opinion or a third if necessary. If going the surgery route make sure your surgeon is very skilled as it does make a difference on outcome. Luckily, my husband's surgery got clean margins, cancer was confined to the capsule and the only side effect is some leakage that has gotten better with time. He does not need radiation, chemo or hormone therapy so unlike my breast cancer with 2 lumpectomies, chemo and radiation he is one and done. Perhaps your husband can join the What Next Prostate cancer group to learn this is not a death sentence and he has a decent chance of being fully functioning after treatment. Good luck!

      about 5 years ago
    • cam32505's Avatar
      cam32505

      It sounds like the treatment is done. With cancer, once you have a diagnosis, everything happens so fast that you don't have time to absorb it all. I just went through the motions of going for one treatment or another, with the blind hope that all of it would be worth it in the long run. With this particular type of cancer, there are the sexual issues as well. Eventually, he might need to talk with a therapist about this issue. Also, seek treatment for the dysfunction. In the meantime, try not to take any of his anger too personally and just be supportive.

      about 5 years ago
    • tom324's Avatar
      tom324

      Hi, I am so sorry you have to go through this.

      I just found out I have to go back for radiation treatment because the prostate surgery did not get it all. I thing all the suggestions above are very good.

      When I first found out I had prostate cancer I thought I was going to die soon, but that was not the case. I was very afraid. Somehow the word cancer is equal to death. My hospital has a social work dept., had a group support network and a "nurse navigator" who was very helpful with providing information.

      Getting as much info as possible has been helpful. My wife and I have a friend who is a counselor and we went to her for about 10 sessions to help me talk about cancer, death and the importance of living every day. When I stopped to think about it, we are all dying. No one on this earth has ever escaped it and no one will. Saying that, death is still not easy to talk about.

      If your husband is not ready to see a counselor or talk about it I would suggest that you call the hospital and see if you can talk to a counselor that will help you stay strong and get some specific suggestions regarding helping your husband.

      Sending love to you, your husband and your family. Tom

      about 5 years ago
    • Indyeastside's Avatar
      Indyeastside

      In my seventh year after robotic surgery and various chemo treatments. Prostate cancer still hanging in there. Tough times for spouse and kids. Not much you can do but give space and support. I am not who I used to be. Some things changed for the better, some not. My joy has been taken. Find my self waiting for the next hammer to drop. Also have heart and artery issues.

      Found I live for today now and am trying to be sure my wife will be ok in the years ahead.

      about 5 years ago
    • lindi143's Avatar
      lindi143

      Thank you all for the responses it has been such a GREAT help to me . I t helps to understand the view of a man and it has been invaluable to me to have this group.
      Praying for all who are battling this and the families that help them. What a terrible thing to have to endure but we are going to make it.
      Thanks again.

      about 5 years ago
    • danknj's Avatar
      danknj

      I know exactly how he feels. How long ago did he have the surgery? It's been three years for me. I went through stages. Did a lot of thinking. Did even more praying. About a year later I ended up getting radiation treatments as well. They will continue to monitor his PSA level through blood work every 6 months (at least they should). Men with no prostrate should have a reading of <.05 meaning it is undetectable. If he has a reading of more than that they will check his blood again in 6 months. The rule of thumb is if you have a detectable PSA level after surgery and it doubles verc6 months, for example, from .05 to .10 in six months, tat is an indication that one of the cancer cells have "jumped" off the prostrate (for lack of a better term) and is still there. If that is the case, tell him to do the radiation treatments. I did 42 treatments. You go everyday except on weekends. They are rough at first only because prep work they do prior to the treatments. The treatments themselves are a piece of cake. The treatment WILL take care of any cancer cells that may have been left behind. This September I will be in remission for 2 years. As far as the ED. that depends on the individual and how experienced the Doctor that preformed it are. I found out the hard way by not doing my homework on my Doctor. Simply because I was never sick a day in my life until I got the cancer. So I put all my trust in the Doctor. Bad move for me because then I read that a Doctor becomes more efficient in the robotic surgery simply based on his expriemnce. Unfortunately my Doctor did not have much experience. Then about 18 months after my surgery I got diagnosed with MS. But what are ya go a do? I hate to say this but, "it is what it is". Tell him to live everyday. Stay positive and relax. This too shall pass. One thing I have learned from all this is, if you can fix it, don't worry about it. If you can't fix it, don't worry about it. Have faith. Please feel free to have him reach out to me anytime. It's tuff yes but, it is doable. There is life after cancer.

      about 5 years ago
    • lindi143's Avatar
      lindi143

      Thank you danknj so much. He just had the surgery on June 3, ironically that was his birthday.
      He is going thru the stages of trying to deal he just wants it to be over but he willhave to watch it forever. He has never been sick sooo he is very scared and unsure. Our doctor is very experienced but they do so many that they dont take much time with telling you things. I have had to learn most things here on the site that is why the responses are sooo helpful. I appreciate the info so much as I have to understand things tobe able to deal.. I am so sorry you have had to go thru so much but you have a great attitude and the sharing is very very helpful.
      Thank you again I now have you on my prayer list it helps for sure.

      about 5 years ago
    • msesq's Avatar
      msesq

      You should have had a pathology report by now. My Husband had the surgery the day before yours and we got the pathology report the day they removed the catheter. Call the surgeon to find out it may give your husband some peace of mind.

      about 5 years ago
    • barryboomer's Avatar
      barryboomer

      check out Doctor Drew Pinsky from TV who has Prostate Cancer...John Kerry and Rudy Guliani had it.....

      http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20738685,00.html

      about 5 years ago
    • martian's Avatar
      martian

      Lindi143
      This is an emotional moment for the both of you. I do NOT know any data pertaining to his clinical stage; however, if the oncologist and the urologist both agreed that the treatment plan for your husband was surgery - I am making the assumption that he had a small amount of prostate cancer and that surgery was the best choice.(I don't know what the gleason score was nor do I know your husband's age) Since the outcome of the surgery is still in question, which is normal, I suggest the following: 1. Ask for the results of the pathology report. What is important to know is the fact that this will take lots of time for the results to be known. I strongly SUGGEST that you obtain a copy of Gerald Chodak's book, "Winning the Battle Against Prostate Cancer." Since he had surgical treatment of localized prostate cancer,(it has not spread - I am assuming)it may take 4-6 weeks to get an accurate score of his PSA, which is the most important indicator of whether it is still in his body. At least, if there is still some cancer in the pelvic or prostate bed, one plus in your situation is salvation radiation. (if needed) This may take some time to figure this out. You will be provided with periodic check-ups with attending blood tests, especially any changes in your PSA measurement. Gerald Chodak explains all of your questions in a clearly stated way . 2. A second choice would be to attend a prostate cancer support group. I am sure there is a "kindred connection" in our neck of the woods. You need to take to other men who have already experienced this type of treatment. 3. Go on line if you need to obtain more information. Since you are wondering about your odds of getting a recurrence - you might consider using the "Kattan nomogram tool" which is a calculator available at the Memorial Sloan Kettering Hospital Web site (http://www.mskcc.org).4. In terms of wellness - I suggest lots of lifestyle changes in terms of diet and exercise. I wish you the best as you journey through your next step towards wellness and your particular challenge. Try yoga and meditation to help you achieve some emotional balance. I am a 2 year survivor of prostate cancer. From my experience - it was an internal challenging personal adventure in self-management but, I had a good support network. I learned that anxiety can be self-managed! Good luck!

      Martian

      about 5 years ago
    • lindi143's Avatar
      lindi143

      Martian, Thank you soooo much for all the info. It is a great help to me and the more details and resources we can get the better. I believe the surgeon is very good and we think they got it all, it seems since they do so many of these surgeries and that my husband prognosis was positive , they just have not given any info to us and have not thought about it. The office has a problem it seems with nurses returning phone calls. That is a problem in my book.
      i have heard others say their hospital had resources and classes they could attend before. this was not available to us but a sweet member here but all the things we needed after surgery so i had them.The info you have provided is invaluable to me and I will pass all this on to my wonderful husband. I am sorry you had to go though this but your sharing has been a huge help. Unfortunately when we first learned of this my poor husband was reading somewhere and saw that 1 in 10 men die in a month from the surgery.He did not tell me this until last week weeks AFTER the surgery so he never looked at anything else. I hate he was angonizing over this as the vast majority of men do fine and he has done very well for having major surgery. Thank you again for all the info and i will get that book for sure.
      Linda

      about 5 years ago
    • waytogodonna's Avatar
      waytogodonna

      hi lindi 143, i have a different idea for you. During this acute anxiety time, it would help to calm the body down a little by having your dr. prescribe a low dose of ativan. it takes the edge off of everything. seeing him a bit calmer and him feeling a bit calmer really helps. i am a registered nurse and when my husband found out that he had cancer that was not curable, i immediately requested the ativan for him. It has been a Godsend. Hang in there!

      about 5 years ago
    • Ross' Avatar
      Ross

      So glad to see many responses to you. Remembering back 5 years ago, I can feel for your husband. The uncertainty and waiting is agonizing. After those years, I am thankful to have survived. While ed remains, there are so things that can help improve that. Your continuing support will be helpful as feeling of depression continue on and on.
      Best to both of you through this difficult time. Reading some of our stories may help to see you are not alone. God bless.

      about 5 years ago

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