• Not a good Christmas

    Asked by SandiA on Sunday, December 27, 2015

    Not a good Christmas

    I guess I am looking for support more than a question. I ended up having a pretty crappy Christmas. My son and his wife are here. At Christmas dinner my cousin said something stupid and opened some old wounds with my son. Since then my son has been on edge. Well I have been sick and am on the brat diet which is not easy during the holidays, but I have been trying my best. I snuck about two cookies and today I went to eat a little cheese and my son went off on me. I guess he is scared I am going to end up in the hospital, but the anger threw me. Has anyone else dealt with anger from your love ones. I didn't know how to react.

    21 Answers from the Community

    21 answers
    • cllinda's Avatar
      cllinda

      I'm sorry you had a bad Christmas. People don't think before they open their mouths. And they think nothing of starting fights and opening old wounds in a time that should be joyous. I can't recover Christmas for you, but maybe some suggestions for next year.
      Only invite people that you love and can talk to.
      Walk away if someone is starting something that you don't want to get into with them.
      Tell them in advance of any medical problems that may come up.
      And if you are not feeling up to the company of the holiday, it is ok to start saying no.

      This year, I had been fighting a cold all week, and still did all the shopping, wrapping, baking, cleaning, blah blah, etc. And then we get an invitation to an event on the day after Christmas. I finally put my foot down and said I have had enough and I am not going. So my son and husband went.

      People don't understand that eventually, you run out of energy. Let's face it, women do 90% of Christmas, and the men just don't understand all that it takes to put on a good dinner, a decent amount of gifts and all the rest.

      And then throw a serious illness in the mix, and everything is up for grabs.

      The season is supposed to be filled with Joy, and sometimes, it just isn't as joyous as it should be.

      almost 4 years ago
    • CAS1's Avatar
      CAS1

      First of all why on Earth are you torturing yourself with a restricted diet..Eat a well balanced healthy diet that does include some sweets in moderation.
      Yes..anger from family is really common..sit down with your son and have him let it all out..you do the same..speak honestly and with compassion..then agree to let it go..the fear,the anxiety,the disappointment. .Let him know how to support you..
      Be honest and open..it's always the best way...but now is the time to be good to yourself and each other and have that cheese or cookies..

      almost 4 years ago
    • CAS1's Avatar
      CAS1

      And then never invite the big mouth cousin to anything again.

      almost 4 years ago
    • meyati's Avatar
      meyati

      I'm so sorry for any rude comments about a BRAT diet not being healthy. There are many reasons why our doctors put us on diets like BRAT--diarherria being the main reason. Some people have bad stomachs. meds can cause bad stomachs, flu causes bad stomachs. I understand sneaking a cookie- with BRAT and stomach problems, blood sugar gets low, and a cookie or small sliver of cake helps keep us out of the ER. At least 2 colonels in the AF told my husband that. One was a board certified gastroentologist

      My son keeps baking me pumpkin pies. I told him last year that I can't digest them. I tried one sliver in early Nov- got sick, so he made me more pies--Men. My family told everyone else-- go somewhere else. They fixed a ham and some goodies. and they enjoyed themselves visiting everyone else-and trying their meals. This is the Southwest, so everyone sort of runs a buffet.

      almost 4 years ago
    • geekling's Avatar
      geekling

      A good girlfriend of mine has HIV. She also suffers from pulmonary hypertension and uses oxygen almost all the time. She told me about the Spoon Theory which works quite well for cancer too.

      Healthy people can go go go and do as they wish all day long and bounce from one mood to another. Once you get sick, life is different. You have an allotment of spoons and no more. Let us presuppose that you have five spoons per day.

      You are a hostess at the holidays, making sure the house and hearth are welcoming to your loving gusts. That is one spoon. You cooked a meal and did not really get to partake at all. That is two spoons. Your cousin started an argument. Three spoons gone. Your son took the bait and, no doubt there were bad feelings. Four spoons gone and you only have one left but your son carried his anger. You broke your promised diet and, instead of hugging you and wishing you more strength in the future, your son took out his anger on you and now there are no more spoons left to deal with anything. Please tell your son that alcoholics are more forgiving than him. Explain that when an addict breaks a promise and takes a drink (a drug, a cookie, whatever), the addict loses his chip, his badge of achievment for not taking a drink or a drug or a cookie in so long a time, and has to start from day one again of sobriety.

      Please explain to your family that they are using up your spoons when it just plain is not necessary. You simply do not have any more energy to deal with this childishness. They have infinite amounts which they are unable to give or lend to you. The simple solution is kindness and compassion. If they wish to bicker, they can do so in their own homes but not in your home, in your hearth, in your presence. All they really need to do it take a breath and think before starting trouble.

      Im sorry the holiday was so overwhelming. I hope the Happy New Year will be better.

      almost 4 years ago
    • Ejourneys' Avatar
      Ejourneys

      I first learned about the spoon theory at my partner's MS support group. I think this is the original essay:
      http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/
      I am sorry you were hit with this crappy drama. The stress of the holidays is no excuse for rudeness or for lashing out. Wishing you calmer days ahead and a gentler 2016.

      almost 4 years ago
    • LiveWithCancer's Avatar
      LiveWithCancer

      My son had extreme anger after my diagnosis. He's better now, but our relationship is much more strained than it has ever been before. I think part of it is because I no longer feel like I have the time or desire to put up with his drama. So, when he can't be pleasant, and he often can't, then I don't want to be around him.

      I'm sorry your Christmas was unpleasant. I think when we're sick, the bad times feel even more significant than they did before. At least, that's true for me.

      Hoping for a great 2016 for you and yours.

      almost 4 years ago
    • meyati's Avatar
      meyati

      Geekling and Ejourney that was so beautiful. I never heard the spoon theory before. I like it. I find that planning the meal, and getting the house ready is a spoon. Thinking about certain people coming is another spoon, so the day starts off with 3 spoons. Those of us on BRAT tend to have low sugar, and we'll sneak a small piece of cookie-not too sweet. It's not like a smoker or alcoholic giving in to temptation. Our bodies are crying for help, we need this small bit of sugar at that time to stay out of the ER. A bit of sugar also helps our emotions to level out.

      I was lucky, my husband was mad at me, and he went in at the next visit. He was complaining that I was eating unfrosted cake, and I was supposed to be sick. An AF colonel,. Board certified Gastroentestologist, pinned my husband ears back. He showed my husband the labs with very low glucose, and explained the potential problems. My husband went to my PCP-a colonel and was rtold much more in a louder voice. Both asked my husband if my stomach pain was worse-No Was the diarherria worse---No- it was getting better. So they both asked him why he was being a problem. If Sandia got sick that is another story, and since I don't know anything about that, I'll keep quiet.

      almost 4 years ago
    • meyati's Avatar
      meyati

      I just have stomach troubles. If it's bothering me, I actually get tired from digesting food. I'm 73, and my stomach has ached, hurt, or doubled me up with cramps since i was about 24. I just get up and do the best that I can. There were many days the children packed their own lunches, and supper was a can of soup. They did dishes at a young age, laundry was a group project. My energy -my spoons went into sweeping, mopping, sanitation. Fortunately, I'd have a few good years, and it would kick me in the stomach again.

      almost 4 years ago
    • SandiA's Avatar
      SandiA

      Thanks everyone. I actually talked to my doctor by email and I am also running fever so he no longer thinks it is just the colitis. Hopefully going to see him in day or two. Unfortunately nothing I could say made me son happy so he left last night and is sitting in A hotel. He lives in Colorado and I live in Virginia he is done the road in a hotel. I am just heartbroken. Really pray he comes around. Not the Christmas I had in mind.

      almost 4 years ago
    • CAS1's Avatar
      CAS1

      Many many well known Dr.'s are no longer recommending the BRAT diet because it's not working and they consider it unhealthy. .do some reserch on the Paleo diet options which seem far more reasonable and healthy..
      So sorry about your son..Cancer effects the whole family in negative ways..I hope you can come out the other side on this with a stronger relationship and him with better empathy skills..

      almost 4 years ago
    • meyati's Avatar
      meyati

      Some people are like that. Remember we can't choose our family. Sometimes I wonder if the hospital didn't switch babies at the hospital with one of mine. Sandia- the problem is his-----you can't please some people. I was getting ready for my scan. This child showed up and wanted to connect and talk about my cancer. She kept saying that I was avoiding her. It's my head, so I was scrubbing my face and neck down, getting my papers together, making sure I had insurance papers, etc. I feel like throwing up for a few days beforehand. I was trying to get a bottle of water to take with me and she was in my face, between me and the bottles of water. I kept telling her that I had to go, find parking, and check in. I'd talk to her later. Finally, I screamed - Get out of my eFFing way. I have to go. She ran out of the house, sat on the curb, and called the jerk that she calls a husband to pick her up. My son told me that I added some other profanities.

      I paid a few hundred for a nice white wedding cake- a big one. I couldn't eat chocolate for years. My stomach exploded. They cut the cake, and it was chocolate. I said, "I'm getting some of my money back, I ordered a white cake." "Darling insisted that we get chocolate. We changed the order. You need to quit pretending that you're sick." I said, "OK" I told my husband to say good-bye for me. We had seperate vehicles, and I drove the 100 miles home-in a rage. I sat for Levi while they were on the honey moon, so my husband brought Levi home with him. I just told levi that I was old, and feeling sick, so I needed to go home.

      They invited me up and we were supposed to go out-nice day-dress nice. He was screaming at 9 year old Levi that the living room ceiling and walls had to be scrubbed, move the heavy furniture. I don't know what the rest of you would do, but I took my jewelry offf, put on jeans and T-shirt, and I helped Levi start moving the furniture. Both are pigs. I raised my daughter to know better than that. No- she was switched at the hospital and they gave me the wrong baby. I miss the girl and young woman that was my daughter.

      almost 4 years ago
    • AnnyKay's Avatar
      AnnyKay

      So sorry with everything else that you are having to deal with your sons anger. You are not alone. My 52 yo son is now living with me and he is bi polar so not always easy to live with. I find on days when I am not feeling so good, he is crabby. Makes me feel like he is angry that I am sick. Part of that anger I know is fear but it still hurts when he lashes out. He does take his meds now and sees a psychologist however we still have difficult days. Just have to live one day at a time, let go and let God. Take care of yourself first. Easier said than done but it all works itself out eventually. Hugs and prayers, sorry your Christmas was ruined. My COPD was giving me some problems but luckily I was blessed with little drama this Christmas.

      almost 4 years ago
    • PennieEckard's Avatar
      PennieEckard

      I am sorry you had a crappy Christmas. It sounds like your son may not understand the complexity of cancer. There are many things we are suppose to do and things we are advised not to do, but to eat a couple cookies and cheese and crackers during Christmas is okay as along as you are okay.
      I have family a family member that tends to point out what I am doing wrong and I finally had a heart to heart with him (my son). Told him I appreciate his concerns but he needed to back off (not in those words). I took him with me to one of my chemo sessions and a doctor visit so he could hear what I was being told. He had been to other appointments with me.
      He has eased up some.

      almost 4 years ago
    • mbeshey's Avatar
      mbeshey

      I too had an odd Christmas..I came home from hospital on Christmas Day and was "supposed" to rest but it never happened. Parents were at home w/ youngest teen and oldest daughter comes home w/ boyfriend and new puppy and all XXX breaks loose, Our dog nipped then new one and caustic words were said and yet we pretended to have a nice evening. The stress was awful and took a toll on me next few days let alone on my parents. Now a balanced seems to have occurred and now sure how between everyone after some deep discussions. One thing I was glad of was my celiac diet I must be on and how it helped me get through hospital food, home food made by mom and such. As ill as I was, it was helping me get through yet another health issue.
      Our relatives can say bizarre n hurtful things, their expression of hurt, anger and then tossing it in your face is not okay especially if in your home. never feel guilty about expressing your voice if you need to and don't worry about how it will affect the Martha Stewart christmas okay?

      almost 4 years ago
    • meyati's Avatar
      meyati

      @ mbeshey--I'll trade my daughter for the puppy---

      almost 4 years ago
    • SandiA's Avatar
      SandiA

      Thank you all very much. My son and daughter in law came back the next day and even though I felt a little stressed we ended up a couple nice days before they headed back to Colorado. Of course the day they left I ended up back in the hospital with c diff. So apparently the diarrhea was not from the cookie, but the c diff. Though I would rather it have been from the cookie. Haha! So now I am in the hospital recovering. Hate to say it but I will be happy when this holiday season is over. It sounds like a few of us could use a do over. Sandi

      almost 4 years ago
    • AnnyKay's Avatar
      AnnyKay

      Glad your son came back to your home before returning to Colorado. I think the kids anger many times is just fear. Sorry about the C diff, that is not a fun thing to go through. Thought I had it but I was lucky and tests were negative,mine was just a reaction to antibiotics. Hugs and prayers, feel better soon.

      almost 4 years ago
    • BoiseB's Avatar
      BoiseB

      SandiA So sad about your trip to the hospital. Praying that 2016 may be like the month of March In like lion out like a lamb. May you get better and better so that next Christmas is the best ever. Oh have wonderful holidays all through the year.

      almost 4 years ago
    • lynnluc's Avatar
      lynnluc

      If YOUR Dr recommends the BRAT diet...do it, regardless of what people recommend here...they are not doctors or oncologists and do not know your physical situation. Regarding your son, it sounds like he is trying to protect you and afraid of you getting sicker. He doesn't want to lose you.

      over 3 years ago
    • sugarbear's Avatar
      sugarbear

      your son may be feeling extra worried when he sees you feeling bad because he lives so far away from you to begin with and then when hes there to visit you and you (cheated ) on your diet -it made him more worried and guilty feeling for not being able to be there every day to help keep you healthy so he overcompensated -my family does that three times a year -acts like they know whats best but they aren't the ones that are there every day -so we just breathe -just breathe --that's my mantra -keep breathing it will be okay if you just breathe and don't sweat the small stuff -I also have a drama queen relative that I limit the time I spend with her -life is too short to have to deal with petty drama -remind these people of this fact -how fast things change

      over 3 years ago

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