• So does anyone get frustrated with people telling yo 'it could be so much worse' or 'at least you are here'?

    Asked by TubThumping on Saturday, October 15, 2011

    So does anyone get frustrated with people telling yo 'it could be so much worse' or 'at least you are here'?

    When people say these things in response to my complaints over issues and side effects it makes me feel like I am forbidden to feel sorry for myself - even for a moment. It's as if I should just feel greatful to be alive. Right now I am experiencing nerve damage severe enough to rob me of the fine motor skills in my right hand, but I'm not allowed to complain. Anyone else?

    13 Answers from the Community

    13 answers
    • Indyeastside's Avatar

      Understand, but we really are lucky to be here. Feeling sorry is ok and I have cried my share of tears-but it can be self defeating so I try to keep positive and enjoy each day. More than I did pre-C.

      Hang in there. But cancer does suck!

      almost 7 years ago
    • TubThumping's Avatar

      Don't get me wrong. I'm not sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I'm probably one of the most positive, upbeat and happiest people you would meet. It just angers me sometimes when others discount me. For example, I'm trying to figure out why this new issue with the nerve damage has popped up. I told someone that I had a doctor's appointment and hopefully I'll get some insight. They said, "Your just lucky to still be here, you should be glad."
      I know that, but it still doesn't discount that I have a real medical issue that needs to be addressed! Just because I have beat cancer so far doesn't mean that I have to sit back and be grateful no matter what else I am given.

      almost 7 years ago
    • grams2jc's Avatar

      You could also have been lucky to be born a bazillionaire and never have had a financial worry in your life. There is a facebook post about a cancer patient having 1 wish, yes we all want to be CURED, but sometimes I just wish for a hotfudge sundae. Until you have been here you just don't get it.

      I love it when people try to tell me they understand because we could all be hit by a truck and killed at any time.....I guess that gives me double jeapardy (sp) AND my least favorite of all is "God doesn't give us more than we can handle" My snarky response is, sometimes the only way to handle what he gives us is to die.

      We don't have to be feeling sorry for ourselves to realize that we got dealt a crappy hand and things will never be the same again. Does that mean all of life sucks? NO but we get to want the best we can possibly have.

      I try to look for the bright side of every day, sometimes I find it.

      Hang in there

      almost 7 years ago
    • leepenn's Avatar

      yeah - i hear that... the other one i don't like is - i know you will beat this... or i know you'll beat cancer... or any other variation on the "i know what will happen" theme. it's like, if i express uncertainty regarding my future, i'm instantly labeled as having a bad attitude. i'm not allowed to share my fears and concerns with my "supporters" - i get it - it's scary... and it's scary to really admit how it's possible i might be dealing with cancer for the rest of my life. and that's hard for other people to not only understand but also just talk about.... none of us know how to do this - none of us know how to talk about this. but sometimes, i get tired of having to pretend to have the attitude that people around me seem to demand of me. i get criticized when i'm having a bad day or feeling unsure or feeling scared. that part really sucks.

      i do have a good attitude - in general. but holy smokes - i have my moments. i think we all do. and i think that the people around us need to understand that sometimes, we need to just be allowed to feel the way we feel.

      so - i hear you... in general, our supporters do NOT want to hear us complain... they want to hear that we've got a good attitude - that it's all going to turn out alright - that it's not really scary as it all sounds... guess what - it is... but i think, at the end of the day, our supporters realize it could be anyone of us... and this time around.. it's us. so, i find that fellow cancer survivors are the people to talk to about fears and concerns and complaints. our cancer-free supporters will hopefully never have to understand....

      almost 7 years ago
    • abrub's Avatar

      People who don't know tell us what they want to believe. E.g. "I know you'll be all right. You have a great attitude." or "It could be worse." These comments are to protect them from their own fears, but drive me nuts. If they "know" I'll be fine, then why do the drs insist that I keep going for scans, and expose myself to more radiation? Shouldn't the drs know my status better than a friend/acquaintance?

      And frankly, with some of the suffering I've gone through, I've learned that there are things worse than dying. If I hadn't been assured that I had a good likelihood of continued quality of life, and my treatments had only been for quantity of life, then the suffering wouldn't have been worth it. My year of recovering from several major surgeries, and multiple types of chemo were hellish, and if that was all I had to look forward to, frankly, I'd rather not be here.

      I'm one of the very lucky ones. My new normal is very close to my old normal, and better than that of many "healthy" people. I've been left with some residual neuropathy, but am able to do pretty much anything I want, and do have an excellent long-term prognosis. However, cancer is a "raw deal" - it stinks, and we can feel sorry for ourselves. That's okay. Just try not to be consumed by it.

      almost 7 years ago
    • mspinkladybug's Avatar

      this statement has caused lot of fights with me i have laid into people for being so ignorant!
      ask them if they would like to do just 1 round of chemo then they can smart off.
      had i not wanted to live i would not of done chemo.. then I begin to tell them about the life long effects of chemo

      almost 7 years ago
    • mysecondchance's Avatar

      When I have told people I have an 80% chance ovarian cancer will come back so I don't know how much time I have, the standard response is, nobody knows, you could get hit by a bus tomorrow. I now answer, that is true, but I feel my bus may be parked around the corner.

      I understand that once I was pronounced in remission, the people in my life want to think of me as cured. That is how they handle it and it's okay. I don't want to be a little black cloud in the life of my family and friends.

      It is a fact of life for me but not something that I let get the best of me. I will not let cancer's threat of recurrence poison my life. I try to live in the moment, appreciating each day.

      I cry into my pillow once in a while but it is momentary. I don't want to waste any time being unhappy. I feel I received a second chance at life and it is up to me to enjoy it.

      almost 7 years ago
    • fulto11's Avatar

      I am a caregiver for my husband. I have been told, and thought, of all the things that you all have pointed out. That is the minds' eye trying to find logical reasoning; to accept the fear.

      My biggest problem is people not understanding that we can not come to the party or an hour trip for a wedding. They don't seem to get it...Please don't ask me, one more time, "how he is doing?" Can't you see he lost 40 pounds in 3 weeks? Can't you see the tiredness on his face? I only have one person (our daughter) that we can expose our real thoughts to.

      I keep a journal to vent my feelings. Small passages like, "having bad anxiety attack." Anger, frustration, love, etc. My husband read it. I was totally embarassed and angry for a day. Now, a week later it is the best thing that ever happened. It opened a gateway for our communication. I am no longer writing because he saw my love and devotion and will bring up subjects to me. Smile. I didn't realize that my silence was giving him the impression that It was not affecting me. He now knows that I do "have his back". His leaning on me makes it more bearable for both of us. People do want to help and say the right thing. It is just so hard to know what to do or say. I get it.

      Just using you all for a sound board. I pray I never say anything to offend or anger anyone. Have a blessed day.

      almost 7 years ago
    • Molly72's Avatar

      Just found & joined this group.
      This IS the place to complain for those of us who have no other place to do so.
      I get angry at those who stick their religious beliefs in my face. I am not a Christian, and really am appalled at those who feel it is perfectly acceptable to blame their Satan for my cancer & then rant about the power of Jesus & prayer.
      If they want to help me, just wish me well & bring over a good casserole for my dinner!

      almost 7 years ago
    • RebeccaLynn25's Avatar

      That is definitely irritating! I have the attitude of "it could always be worse" and "I feel incredibly fortunate" but that's because I have a positive attitude about it. It is what it is, and there's nothing I can do about it. I feel that if I keep a good attitude, it'll help me heal faster. But they don't have the right to tell you how to feel, when they have no idea how you're feeling and they'e never been through it!! Everyone's different and everyone's body reacts differently to different medications. Hope you feel better!

      almost 7 years ago
    • momsofzeck's Avatar

      :)) We all have the same chance 50 percent live or 50 percent die. No one is lucky everybody is the same... If somebody even doctor gives a chance just smile and nod your headç Noone can know the chance exept GOD!

      over 6 years ago
    • nancyjac's Avatar

      The key for me is taking whatever anybody else says in whatever way works for me. If somebody says it could be worse, I in fact do realize that it could be worse, rather than taking it as that person saying I shouldn't complain. We have no control over what others say and are wasting our energy trying to change that. But we do have complete control over how we react or interpret what somebody else says. So focus on what you have control over and dismiss what you don't have control over.

      over 6 years ago
    • codiem's Avatar

      I just wrote something about this on my Facebook. When I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer my Dr. told me is was the "good cancer"... as if instead of mourning the fact that I have cancer for even 5 minutes I should immediately think "oh, that's great... I'm soooo glad it wasn't XYZ cancer!!!" I've even had friends tell me that same thing! I'm like everyone here. I am, for the most part, a pretty possitive person, but I have my moments and I think I'm entitled to them... We all are! The other one that bothers me is that since I am post treatment I am cured forever. I have to wait until Oct. to find out if the radiation worked and even then it could come back one day in the future! I was diagnosed less than a year ago and already friends are asking what kind of cancer I HAD.

      almost 6 years ago

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