• Stage 4 Terminal Lung Cancer & Still Smoking

    Asked by derocka on Wednesday, April 23, 2014

    Stage 4 Terminal Lung Cancer & Still Smoking

    Hello all.
    I'm writing about my mother who was diagnosed as having lung cancer which spread to her brain on February 17th. She was released from hospital on the 19th which just happened to be my birthday so this was seen as a good omen. Subsequently she has had radiotherapy for the brain cancer and while we wait for the diagnosis, she has been told that chemo will not help her lung cancer (that diagnosis came earlier this month). About a week ago she asked me to buy her tobacco and when I told her no way she became rude and abusive. Yesterday she sat in front of me and smoked (don't know how she got it as she's house bound) as she was taking her medication. I tried to take it out of her mouth and she told me to "bleep" off. I am distressed on a daily basis. I feel so resentful at the moment and then feel guilty for that as, to some extent, she raised me and my siblings on her own (with the help of my over bearing aunts). I also have guilt because I can't really understand what she's going through. She's decided she doesn't want chemo, doesn't want to go to hospital to prevent potential paralysis, despite her slim frame has suddenly taken to eating sugary things. She is being vile and spiteful. Is this behaviour typical? My mum is a VERY tough nut to crack. Thanks in advance and if anyone is suffering this disease PLEASE think more about your loved ones.

    53 Answers from the Community

    53 answers
    • jake0900's Avatar
      jake0900

      I don't have lung cancer, I do have COPD and have had 2 bouts of Thyroid cancer. If she is terminal and doesn't want to take chemo anymore, then don't argue with her about her smoking. She does need more positive influences, but, and I'm sorry to say this, if she doesn't want to live anymore, then there isn't anything you can do to stop her. Taking the cigarettes away from her is like taking away her best friend. I know, I stopped smoking a little over a year ago after over 40 years of the habit. It's a habit that takes a strong hold of you. She's an addict and you have to treat her as such, with the exception of her diseases. You say at the end for the Cancer patient to think more of your loved ones? But you have to try to look at it from her standpoint as well, she is going through a horrific disease that is going to kill her. It's scary! What would you do if someone told you that you only have so long to live and your probably in a lot of pain? You would probably want it to go away sooner rather than later. If you are telling people to think more of the loved ones with the cancer, then I apologize for jumping to the wrong conclusion. I wish you , your siblings, and especially your mother a lot of luck. Please keep us informed how you and your mother are doing. It took me 14 tries over 2 decades to stop smoking.

      about 5 years ago
    • derocka's Avatar
      derocka

      Jake, I understand what you're saying. It's just I have had a storied history with my mum. It really should just be about me supporting her and trying to help her. She has an uncle who was told he was terminal and is still alive 10 years after his diagnosis so I just want her to cling to hope. However, she seems determined to hasten things. I have not had a good life myself and have health conditions which are worse because of my mothers behaviour. I guess I was just trying to release my frustration by writing these things. My head is in a muddle. Anyway, thank you for responding and well wishing. The same applies to you.

      about 5 years ago
    • geekling's Avatar
      geekling

      You aren't considering your Mom's diagnosis which,as you say, is "terminal". My Mom smoked until very late in life. I did not bother her about it. I noticed, instead, that frail as she was, she could light, smoke, and put out a cigarette with no help from anyone. When I began to notice cigarette burns around in the flooring, we decided that she could only smoke outside, to which she agreed. She spent a lot of time sitting in a peacock chair I'd bought for her and placed out on the front porch, under a pergola, where she could sit and be relaxed. With concrete under her feet as flooring, it did not matter so much if lit cigarettes were dropped or missed an ashtray. As time moved forward, she found she could no longer work a lighter and she simply stopped smoking on her own.

      I smoked for a long time too. I smoked right through a host of ailments, including cancer. It was only three years or so ago, right smack dab before Halloween, that something a cardiologist said had me actually to quit. I'd tried and even gone for months at a time without cigarettes but always went back to them before this little talk.

      I would buy cigarettes for my Mom. I'd buy a brand that won't be quite so harsh. The Santa Fe Tobacco Company makes American Spirit brand. There are no chemicals added into the tobacco and they are much, much easier on the body than the major brands you know.

      The cardiologist had asked me if I'd considered that, despite the fact that quitting would not make me well (my excuse for continuing) that other things could go wrong. In truth, I hadn't.

      In your Mom's case, her diagnosis has given her no options and, assuming she believes the diagnosis, smoking isn't what is going to kill her so why should she not fill her last days will an addictive substance that gives her brief respite from her tragic woes?

      As to her wanting sugary things, I believe they will hasten her demise but, you still ought to honor her choices unless you can provide a better substitute for her. Bone broth is strengthening. Fruit is quite satisfying in place of sugary candies.Just please do not take away from her unless you can give her a better substitute to which she agrees. I am sorry that you haven't easier choices in your family. Good luck.

      about 5 years ago
    • cam32505's Avatar
      cam32505

      I think your mother is angry that she has the cancer, and probably feels guilty that smoked and probably caused it. My mother and brother both smoked, got throat cancer, and they both quit, which shocked all of us. Sometimes, when you hear the word 'cancer', the attitude changes. But, if you're already terminal, maybe you would not want to give it up. Just be supportive because maybe that's all you can do now.

      about 5 years ago
    • GregP_WN's Avatar
      GregP_WN

      My mother had smoked most of her life, then one day had a massive heart attack, she quit and never wanted to go back to smoking. About 6 years later she was diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer. Not treatment, no surgery, no options. She died 8 months later. I have a mother in law that has had multiple health problems and was friends with my mother, she sat and watched my mom die from lung cancer, and would go outside to smoke on the porch. Smoking is a terribly hard thing for some people to quit, it's their crutch. And if they don't have the willpower to do it, they aren't going to quit. More stress makes them smoke more, so you can imagine what stress she is in now. My opinion is that she has bigger things to worry about than smoking right now. I wouldn't give her a hard time over it now, that horse has left the stable. Trying to get her to quit now, would be like giving a totalled and wrecked car a wax job. Just concentrate on taking care of what she needs now. I wish you, her and the family the best.

      about 5 years ago
    • jake0900's Avatar
      jake0900

      Another thing I might add is that when we use the term "quit", it does have a negative connotation with it. Why don't you ask if she would stop smoking when you are around? Ask her while she feels it necessary to smoke when you are around? I use the word stop instead of quit because of my remembrance of when I was a child we were always taught that quitters never win and winners never quit. To me, quitting smoking is negative and stopping smoking is positive and that is how I stopped smoking for over a year now. I really wish you a lot of luck and I'm sorry that you have health issues as well. We are here to listen to you and try to help. I hope that I didn't offend you in any way. Good luck!

      about 5 years ago
    • created's Avatar
      created

      My mother died of lung cancer after smoking her entire life. During her last months, I stayed with her at night. She knew she was terminal, but loved her smokes. Dad would hide them from her, he thought. But every night when I went into her, her words to me were, "Hi, Baby. Would you get me a cigarette? They think they are hidden, but look in that drawer.". I would get them. She would smoke one and smile. As she became worse, I would hold that cigarette to her lips. During the last days, after she had gone from 185lbs. to 75lbs., I would actually light them for her. My mom got to the point where nothing was good to her...except her smokes. The last thing I did for before she went was light and hold her cigarette for her. She only had energy for a few puffs, but she smiled. My father never knew. This was all I could do to make her happy. Would I do it again? You bet! Quality is the most important thing for you and your mom right now. If there was ever a time to spoil her, it's now. If you are able to make her smile, do it! When she's gone, you will be grateful you did. My prayers are with you both at this hard, hard time in your lives.

      about 5 years ago
    • Judt1940's Avatar
      Judt1940

      Worse thing you can say to a smoker is no! Makes you crazy. I'm a former smoker. Sweets, maybe a milkshake. She's dealing with mortality, not thinking about running a marathon.

      about 5 years ago
    • derocka's Avatar
      derocka

      Too many responses here for me to reply individually but thank you all for taking the time, even those that I don't agree with and the one that has me irate! I know you all mean well. I guess I'll never get it as I'm not a smoker. I guess I see things in a "Disneyfied" way and that my mum's choosing smoking over me. I watched her smoking as she took her tablets yesterday. For me it's harrowing....but I guess this is life.

      about 5 years ago
    • BoiseB's Avatar
      BoiseB

      My grandfather died of diabetes in the late 60's. He was addicted to sugar and had a terrible time staying away from it. Finally his doctor told him that if he did not avoid sugar he would be dead within a year. He did not eat sugar for a year and he did not die. He told me this was the most miserable year of his life. He then went back to smuggling sweets. About 18 months later he collapsed on the dance floor in a coma. After the funeral I sat in his chair, I happened to reach down into the upholstry and I pulled up handfuls of salt water taffy. I know my grandfather died as he wanted to.

      about 5 years ago
    • barryboomer's Avatar
      barryboomer

      LET HER SMOKE all she wants. Maybe you can get her some Pot to smoke too.
      Cut her some slack as it's too late for stopping the cancer with No Smoking.
      Let her enjoy herself and MAYBE she'll get better.
      B

      about 5 years ago
    • Beatrice's Avatar
      Beatrice

      I just have to add my 2¢ here - I smoked over 40 years and finally quit with the help of Chantix. I did a lot of research and discovered nicotine is an upper, causes your brain to produce dopamine, just like crack cocaine does, It is a pain killer - doctors are using the nicotine patch for after prostate surgery and finding men like it better than the morphine. (do a google, this is true). So here you have an extremely addictive drug, in the same class as 'controlled substances', that makes you feel better all over and now they say you have to quit even though you're dying? I know it is really hard for you to understand if you've never done drugs like nicotine. Also sugar makes you feel good, especially chocolate. I remember giving an elderly aunt, dying of emphysema, a pack of cigarettes when she was bedridden. The family jumped all over me. None of them were smokers.

      about 5 years ago
    • Beatrice's Avatar
      Beatrice

      I would like to add that if the government - federal and state - were not getting literally BILLIONS of dollars in income from tobacco taxes, all tobacco products would be in the same illegal category as cocaine and heroin. Do the research. The income from these taxes is unbelievable and yet 440,000 people a year die of smoking related illnesses. OK - off the soap box!

      about 5 years ago
    • meyati's Avatar
      meyati

      look- I had a friend that smoked-how she got her mouth cancer-tongue cut out-cheek cut out-lymph nodes cut out. She got chemo-stopped smoking, but it came back in 2 years. The hospital she was out had many people from my area commit suicide instead of going back. This is a state where it is very difficult to sue a medical facility, but there are successful lawsuits all of the time-

      Bluntly, she began smoking heavily and drank like a fish. It was a form of suicide. her husband came and talked to us. My daughter told him that she was committing suicide--he admitted that the clinic hardly gave her any pain killers when she was in treatment-another thing they've been sued for. If he loved her-love her. Oh, part of the diagnosis was that it was in her brain too. The clinics refused to help her at all with pain or hospice.

      One of the blogging oncologists wrote how medical care would be better if it were ran like hospice care. I told him that I asked about hospice down the road, when I was told that I have incurable-painful-brain eating--and I was treated like dirt. I'm scared of the pain-I watched my father die from stomach cancer-and I asked about pain control when I needed it---I was told that I probably wouldn't get anything and that I'm a dope addict. I'm allergic to acetaminophen, NSAIDS-so i refuse oxy at the ER if injured. He wrote back that it's a disgusting-and abusive system.

      What he didn't understand is that it's a statewide problem. 2 weeks of hospice allowed-and the social workers that authorize things try to tell you and your family that you should have minimum or no pain killer so you can be alert---I told them that I still wanted to be doped out of my mind. My family did not want to see me writhing in agony. The only doctor that I have that was previously aware of this situation is my ENT. He says that the hospice is set up for Alzheimers, not oncology.

      about 5 years ago
    • lilymadeline's Avatar
      lilymadeline

      I'm so sorry that you are going through this! My mother smoked as well and it tore me apart to watch her try to kill herself with cigarettes, but she got scared and quit when she was diagnosed with cancer...I guess she finally got it....but smoking is severely addictive and I have read that it is as addictive as heroine! It is a very hard addiction to break, and your mother just can't give it up, and you just have to accept that somehow. It is terrible I know to watch someone you love so much basically commit suicide but there is really nothing that you can do about it. I am so sorry because I think I know how you feel because I was my mothers caregiver as well!
      If it hurts you too much to watch, you will just have to step back from her. She is probably terribly upset with herself that she is unable to control this addiction and angry as well and feeling sorry for herself that she has cancer, but if she is lashing out at you that is unacceptable. People often lash out hardest on their loved ones, because it is 'safe' and they feel that the loved ones won't leave them. But please don't feel guilty about anything, it sounds like you are a wonderful loving daughter and that you only want the best for your mother! But also please just let it go because she is going to live her life as she wants to and even if her decisions shorten her time on earth, you have to somehow accept them. And one more observation because if the cancer is in her brain, she isn't really herself anymore. She might not be thinking clearly at all if her brain cells are being eaten up by cancer, so you need to know that it might be the cancer speaking instead.
      But after having said all that, it might help if your mother was on anti-depressants, so if she is open to that I would definitely ask her oncologist for help and a prescription for an anti-depressant. I have needed them myself since I have been in cancer treatments and they have made a huge difference in my quality of life, but FYI sometimes you have to try a few different ones until you find the right medication. Good luck to you and your mother and God bless!

      about 5 years ago
    • CAS1's Avatar
      CAS1

      30,000 people die every year of lung cancer and never smoked a thing in their life. And only 25% of smokers get lung cancer. So, its really more her genes and bad luck.

      But this is not about you....Its about your Mother with cancer. Keep that in mind.

      about 5 years ago
    • derocka's Avatar
      derocka

      Actually Cas1 this is about me. It is I who is writing and it is I who is sharing their views, not my mother. To all the others who are suggesting I should actually support my mother's habit because you have done similar, I'm glad your consciences allow you to continue in life but i am not of similar mind. I would never give something destructive to someone I love. Anyway...

      about 5 years ago
    • meyati's Avatar
      meyati

      derocka-I'm sorry for your pain. My father died when I was 13. I cooked dietetic food,rubbed him with rubbing alcohol so he wouldn't get bed sores, massaged his backs and limbs, everything decent and needed. I well know that when a person has cancer, the whole family has cancer and suffers.

      I'm in remission, but I was diagnosed with incurable cancer. If I don't die from something else like a car wreck-whatever-I'll die from the cancer. On my second visit- the nurse was telling me not to do this or that-no swimming, no gardening, and the doctor heard her. He came in and gently stopped her. He told her that I was a special patient, and the rules don't apply to me, let me do whatever I want. Later he came in for my appointment, and he told me that as long as I'm happy, that I should do better-just do what seems right for me.

      I want to feel like a whole person. Yesterday I went shopping at garden centers, I drove myself. Today I potted plants in the new pots. I didn't wear a mask to cover my nose or mouth. This spring, I painted the dining room and my bedroom-sure it took longer than it used to. I didn't wear any masks then either. I was up on step ladders-spackling and sanding.

      My primary care doesn't have this attitude. He was bugging me to death about stupid things like not climbing ladders, not having dogs-let alone walking with them. Both of my oncologists called this PCP up and told him that his job was to keep my thyroid in line-take care of sinus infections, etc. I slept with 100 lb coonhounds during radiation on my nose and mouth-no I'm not a smoker-
      My daughter had fits. The family told her to cool it. I never had any infections or problems with radiation.

      I imagine that you're exhausted- that you need a break. Many caretakers go to support groups, get counseling, take anxiety medication. You have rage, you have a right to have rage. There's a chance that you might regret the actions that your rage causes. A few months after he passed, the school had a documentary about cancer research-and told what I knew were lies. I ran out crying. About half of the class followed me out and listened to me. The adults let us stay out.

      When my younger brother began crying in the next showing, the principal stopped it. He took that grade out and let them just hang and walk. I know the rage-that rage has never left me, but I've had to make sure that I didn't let this rage affect my care. I won't tell you what you need- you need to figure it out yourself. yes this concerns you very much- but it also concerns your dying mother very much.

      about 5 years ago
    • Lynne-I-Am's Avatar
      Lynne-I-Am

      derocka,sorry for your pain and frustration.My cousin was diagnosed over a year ago with lung cancer and has had several radiation treatments. She is also a stubborn little thing,only 5ft tall. She has been a heavy smoker all her life and still is. She is surprised as we were that she did not give up smoking, but she says she has tried and just can't.She is in her seventies and is well aware of the damage cigarettes may have done.She rules the roost ,and her husband smokes also. so we visit her, exchange greeting cards! and accept this as her decision.We do not agree and she knows this .It is difficult being helpless . She knows we care for her very much and are there if needed.Sometimes that is the best you can do.

      about 5 years ago
    • BoiseB's Avatar
      BoiseB

      derocka By saying this is about you, you are taking something very valuable away from your mother. The right to her live her death. Has your mother not let you make choices with your life? Perhaps what you should be doing for her is to ask her to write a final directive. I had my pastor help me write mine. I know that there are some things in my final directive that my children may be unconfortable with particularly the section about "No pain killers" But it is my death probably the only part of my life that is truly mine. You do not have to give the cigarettes to your mother she seems capable of getting them herself. You don't even have to be in the same room when she is smoking. If you are a member of a congregation I believe you should ask your pastor about this question. Even if you are not you could go to any congregation and ask for guidance.

      about 5 years ago
    • jake0900's Avatar
      jake0900

      I understand Derocka, it is a very difficult time for you and we don't know the full extent of your life with your mother. To those that think this is only about the mother, that is also not true, it is about the caretaker in this instance. It is very hard to be a caretaker and to have to deal with the stress of what the other person is doing to themselves. You can see from the outside, but she can't see from the inside. Yes, she is being insensitive to your needs and she is also giving you second hand smoke which is dangerous. That is why I said earlier, you should ask her to stop or refrain from smoking while you are around. It really isn't fair to you.

      about 5 years ago
    • CAS1's Avatar
      CAS1

      Jake and De rock a I don't agree with you at all..Having been a care giver and a cancer survivor I can assure you having cancer and in the Moms case being told it's stage IV terminal this Mother deserves to be the top priority. She is the one fighting for her life and she should not be expected to also support the needs of her grown children We all should be able to put someone else's needs, wants and desires before our own..to let go of our egos and serve someone else out of love.And respect the desires of someone else above our own. It's about the person with cancer.

      about 5 years ago
    • jake0900's Avatar
      jake0900

      CAS1, I have had cancer twice, have stopped smoking, have COPD, and I am a caregiver to a sister who has MS. Sometimes you don't know the complete picture and don't have an understanding of what this person has done. To ask someone to not smoke when you are in the room is not mean, the mother should not want her child to get lung cancer from secondary smoke. I love the smell of a fresh cigarette, but that doesn't mean everyone does and that doesn't mean that this person has to endure cigarettes.In this situation the caretaker as their own health issues as well and is trying to get their mom to see that she doesn't have to make this a death sentence. Sometimes the caregiver just needs some compassion as well. Yes, the mother has mets lung cancer, she is a habitual smoker, and has probably given up, but her child has not given up.

      about 5 years ago
    • meyati's Avatar
      meyati

      Any other time-people would suggest that derocka, the caretaker, needs a break, should maybe go to a caretakers support group, see a counselor- talk to her own doctor to get help to relax-and maybe recommend a med that helped them.and this time nobody is doing it. You're either on the side of derocka or the side of the mother.

      I can see both sides- derocka and her mother. Please derocka-get help for yourself--get somebody to tell how mad this makes you- that your mother won't stop smoking, and you're doing everything to care for her. This is big time stress for you, and you mother. You need to find a support group- you aren't crazy or wrong-- you are just very mad-so is your mother---You need to take care of yourself--

      about 5 years ago
    • geekling's Avatar
      geekling

      Nowhere does the writer say she is her Mother's caretaker. She speaks of her birthday, of her feelings when refusing her Mother, of her distress and so forth. She speaks of her Mother as "house bound" which bespeaks of not being a care taker.

      Even when she could no longer walk, my Mother was not ever "house bound". I took my Mom places. People watching is a lovely activity. Ice cream is nice or a hot cup of tea with a`scone and butter or whatever a body wants.

      Saying someone is housebound infers that nobody is taking her out anywhere. That isn't care but imprisonment. Without realizing it, the writer is giving her mother all sorts of grief over and above the terminal diagnosis.

      Get counseling for the whole family so you can begin to understand each other even be it at this late stage rather than being judgmental. Such pronouncements are not becoming.

      We are a cross section of people. some of us have very little in common except a diagnosis. Cancer doesn't much care who you are or how you think.

      about 5 years ago
    • derocka's Avatar
      derocka

      Morning all (from the UK).
      Firstly I'm a man!
      @CAS1 This is not about ego as such but I understand what you mean by saying that. This is more about the way I look at life. The diagnosis my mum got was "we don't think the chemo will do anything for the lung cancer but we hope it will give you a better quality of life". I am not a scientist or a doctor. I can only go on what they say. My mum at this moment in time is guided by a need to rebel against everything and everyone. While there is a chance to prolong her life I would like her to be here. Her first grand child is due and I would hope she could be a part of the child's life.

      @everyone else. Thank you all for your well wishing and understanding. I probably will go the counselling route or, when I can get this disgusting landlord off by backside, I will try to write about all of this in depth. As someone here eluded to, my mum and I have a very storied history of her abusing me physically and mentally. I should want to give her another joint, a roll up etc. My conscience won't allow it. She previously had 2 heart attacks and she's not even 60.

      While I am so disheartened by some of the views here I am enlightened. I, like my mother, take on people's unhappiness so I am feeling this more than most might.

      about 5 years ago
    • CAS1's Avatar
      CAS1

      De rock a
      The stigma of lung cancer is very real.It has blocked funding for the number one killer. No one deserves cancer for any life style choice. Do we see people at AIDS r alleys blaming people for their life style choice.? No. In fact AIS GETS more funding than most cancers by far. Do we see people at Breastcancer rally s suggesting women deserve it because they ate high fat diets..or how about heart disease? No
      I am a non smoker with Lung cancer. I like 30 to 50,000 of us join smokers in saying the stigma and lack of sympathy and funding for lung cancer IS NOT RIGHT.
      Given what you have said I think it will be very difficult to give your mom support as you would like and that's o.k....There should never ever be judgment anywhere around cancer.Give yourself permission to stand back and let your mom decide her own life. This like other things in your relationship is:NOT YOUR FAULT. It's perfectly o
      K.to step back.

      about 5 years ago
    • meyati's Avatar
      meyati

      derocka- part of your mother's smoking is having power over you, because she's an abuser.

      My brother asked me if our mother was really dead, and then said that she should have died in prison. When my grandsons found out that their great-grandmother was dead-they told me to sit down because they had good news for me. This was in the fall of 2013.

      Even her death was a psychological game for her. She told a distant in-law that she was dying and put him in control of her final arrangements and estate, and made him swear not to tell any of her children, etc.. My daughter happened to be visiting-and over heard some phone calls. She confronted the in-law. She was sworn to secrecy, and she demanded to see proof-paperwork. She called her son and let him know-he told everyone else.

      I had my son call the in-law, because they are close and it was confirmed. I called my brother. He helped support her since he was a 17 year-old Marine. He started a small business in Japan-she found a Japanese law and sued him. We aren't of Japanese descent. We're Irish.

      Both of us lived as far away from her as possible. She visited me-husband said-You need to make peace-I went into the house-my 3 year old grandson woke up- She called him over and kicked him in the stomach. What she said- I didn't hear you come into the house-he's a spoiled brat. This will give you a thumbnail of the physical and mental XXX we went through as children, and the psychological games never stopped.

      A family called me and told me that mother put their 4 year-old son into intensive care with brain injury, 1999. They moved in and were trying to help my mother. Their son was also taking a nap, and they went to the store-gone 15 minutes. He was lying in the deep snow, and my mother was sitting in the living room looking at him. The police did nothing. I went out in the yard to get the clothes off of the line.

      I don't think that anybody has asked just when she died, nobody asked why she died, nobody has asked what happened to her body, if we knew where her body was someone would probably defecate on it.. We're told to love and honor our mother, but some people really aren't mothers. My mother lived into her 90s. My brother and I used to pray that god would heal our father and give the cancer to her.

      I understand the guilt-confusion-loneliness-isolation-feeling inadequate- for me fear-I'm in my 70s and I still fear her-my brother a career Marine also feared her all of his life. Anytime you want to talk-you can. [email redacted]

      I'm so sorry for you. If anybody tells you that you need to make peace with your mother-love your mother-they are enabling her and themselves because they they think that they are healing you through their control of the situation- you lose even more control of your life-this is from my own experience, and that person is ignorant. signed-starved, burnt, scalded, hair pulled out, kicked, and beaten

      about 5 years ago
    • meyati's Avatar
      meyati

      The English use words with different meanings-nappy is a diaper-bonnet is a car's hood- lift is an elevator.

      I found Georgia English quite different from California English. Mash the elevator button tote to drive your child or friend somewhere. These difference are more than an accent.

      Housebound probably doesn't mean a prisoner. It also depends on how painful it is for the patient to move on how they are cared for. Maybe derocka's mum doesn't want to go anywhere. If she has to drag oxygen tanks with her, etc-she might find it too much of a bother. There are physically healthy people that don't care to go places. I always hated shopping. I was shopping online before I had cancer.

      about 5 years ago
    • meyati's Avatar
      meyati

      @ CAS 1--- I agree with you. I have a rare form of skin cancer that eats through bones, drops into the lungs. It doesn't respond at all to chemo, surgery spreads it, and if an atom bomb isn't set off on the cancer-radiation spreads it. But it still comes back in the original area, which for me, means that it'll have nodules tunnel through my brain.

      So, I'm told by medical staff and oncological staff that I don't have a real cancer and that I just feel sorry for myself. The offices aren't open at night, and some lecture me about going out in sunlight, some have told me that I'm stupid for getting something that I could have prevented. I went to 2 ACS support and I got multiple lectures from other patients-mostly breast cancer-hey they could have breast fed like I did, joined a high school track team, went out and hiked, went swimming like I did-athletic women seldom get breast cancer--But, wait a minute! They could end up with skin cancer like me! I hold my tongue-well I don't say what I really think- they should realise that I really don't need to wear a cancer hat inside a building-it's Okay to fold it up in my purse.

      For your info, I read an article in ASCO that oncologists, the AMA, and the American Lung Assoc. are pushing for super funding and research for lung cancer, colorectal cancer, kidney/urinary cancer. There is one more type of cancer that has a high rate of victims of both genders, but I forgot what it was. Oncologists are saying that they need to take care of the cancers that have high death rates for both genders. They are tired of not having any new meds and treatments for people with other cancers-tired of pink-

      Drop the Dog is part of the shift in oncological research and care. I don't wish any cancer on anybody, but I'm tired of being told that breast cancer is more important-being a 3rd class citizen in the cancer world. I don't expect much, as I have a really rare cancer, but when I see people with lung cancer being told things that you're told-hear staff put down a lung cancer patient-while the person protested that they were Mormon in a Mormon family-they don't smoke as part of their religion-I loose hope for myself. I was told at a support meeting by the BC patients and families that I should wear a pink hat, with pink baubles and sequins, ribbons, so people would be reminded of BREAST CANCER. Do you think the counselor stopped them? I just told them that I didn't care to draw attention to my face.

      about 5 years ago
    • CAS1's Avatar
      CAS1

      Meyati,
      I so get it..There is alot of material in support of ending the stigma of smoking and lung cancer on About.com..but in this world of cancer....There is no room for guilt...there is no room for judgement of why someone got cancer............No room for judgement if someone cannot be a caregiver......No room for judgement on how someone with cancer should behave..

      No one..none of us need that...

      Support means being there even if you don't agree witht he persons decisions.. But if you can't do that then this is o.k. too..

      Just dont bring conflict/stress to the person with cancer or yourself..its not worth it.

      about 5 years ago
    • jake0900's Avatar
      jake0900

      Try having thyroid cancer. The American Cancer society doesn't even acknowledge it. There are two groups that I know of where you get support, Thyca and Check your neck. I know of a few people that have died from it and it is one of the fastest growing cancers in the world, yet, ACS does not do funding. Why because it's not a cancer that everyone has to see an Oncologist for and it's difficult to research or so they say. CAS1, Derocka, Meyati, I fully understand. We are or have been in hard places and support is a hard thing to get. Meyati, you have really hit the nail on the head and I am sorry that you are going through what you go through with the doctors. I once went to a conference on thyroid cancer and one of the doctors stood there and said that Thyroid Cancer is the "good" cancer. Can you believe that? Mean while, some people told him to sit down and never come back. We all need to work together to get our messages across. I hope I have not offended any one in any of my posts. That is not what I wanted to do and I apologize if I have. Take care everyone and I wish you all good luck.

      about 5 years ago
    • meyati's Avatar
      meyati

      Jake, I know what you mean. I have a bad thyroid-much different than thyroid cancer. Thyroid is the most underdiagnosed disease or condition in the US. Then it is a disease that normally hits women-I'm talking about both hyper and hypo. Then to have thyroid cancer as a male? I imagine what you've been through is unbelievable and degrading. I know that people call you a liar, just as they call me a liar.

      I have a question that nobody answers on this site. Do people that have rare cancers, or people in unusual circumstances feel that they are being run or forced out of oncology clinics-that they are not getting care from primary care doctors?

      I was in a survey group-they sent me a camera- diary-questionnaire-called me up to check-in on me to make sure that I completed the project, etc. I found out that many people with this type of cancer are run out of oncology clinics. I guess that we aren't good advertisement and scare the other patients.

      I had a Nurse navigator say-face transplant and walk-out. I tried to get another one, but the NN has a body location specialty. I was told that this might go into my lungs or throat, and I knew BC patients where the cancer went to the brain, and they weren't logical. Nothing like being given 3 appointments at different facilities on the day, within 15 minutes of each other by these twits. I guess they thought that they could get rid of me. That didn't even give me time to check in, if they had been in the same building. i called each facility-doctor-scan- and said that I had to reschedule on my own. I had great pleasure in tellingh them about the NNs.

      Mine looked like a pimple for about 30 years-I even sat naked in a room while dermatology residents came in and examined me, in the hope that this 'zit' or funny looking 'cyst' would be removed. It was almost in my nose- but not quite. I did this twice a year for 3 years. Money and insurance wasn't an issue either. Now I have to listen to people tell me that I should have gotten it removed earlier. One time a male student took my side-and asked for it to be removed 'for curiosity's sake'. His reasoning was that since nobody knew what it was-good science and medicine begged to find out what it was. That teaching dermatologist was horrible to that student-called him names until I was crying.

      I don't expect anybody to be an expert in everything, but some knowledge in a cancer or cancers other than breast cancer would be great.

      about 5 years ago
    • jake0900's Avatar
      jake0900

      Meyati, first, I'm a female, jake is the name of a cat I used to own. Second, I am not sure where you live, but maybe you should check out the cancer treatment centers. I don't know where you live, but you need to find some advocacy also, it is unfair the type of treatment you are getting. What type of cancer do you have exactly? I will try to help you as best as I can. I don't like it when these arrogant doctor's take down to people. It makes me talk down to them and then I fire them. Please keep in touch, I would like to try to help.

      about 5 years ago
    • derocka's Avatar
      derocka

      Morning all. It's 3am in London. I'm freezing. Sorry again as I've not managed to read all but...

      @meyati Thank you so much. I'm so sorry you had to experience such things in your life, my God. I think the worst thing my mum did to me in terms of physical violence was to break a snooker cue over my back when I was 6. That was because i refused to pick something out of a bin and because i embarrassed her by crying in public for 20 minutes about the impending hiding.
      I'm 34 now and I would say its more the psychological abuse. I always try to see things her way but it never seems to end. She told me my younger brother was her favoured child but, in her time of need, he is no where to be seen.
      Also Meyati, I should point out I have been ill since I was 20. I reckon I've been depressed forever but I have serious joint pains which are probably attributed to my obesity. My point being I've not lived. I really have not lived the life that many of my peers have. The girlfriends, the kids, the career etc. One thing my mum does say to me is that you can not base your beliefs on what the consensus believe but I just think I would be able to cope better if I had some of these things, some form of positivity.

      Anyway @all. I took my mum out today to do some shopping. She seems to have purchased all the sugary things in South London. It was very hard for me to do that. I see it the same way i see the tobacco but, after taking on board what many of you have said, I, lamentably, am removing my ego (probably was the right word @CAS1) and allowing my mum to do her thing. Happily, she didn't go for tobacco on our journey but I am worried the McDonalds wasn't any better!

      To one and all. I apologize if I have offended, especially as so many of you seem to be facing this western scurge. Please stay strong and continue to fight for as long as you can and again, thank you for taking the time to write to me and provide me with your thought provoking anecdotes.

      PS @meyati I say Toe-Mar-Toe you say Tow-May-Tow....!

      about 5 years ago
    • meyati's Avatar
      meyati

      Hi derocka---I'm glad that you got out with your mum. It sort of takes the edge off of things-without you fussing-she lost power over you-really. It's the Native American way of turning it back on her.

      You know the story of Cinderella-where Cinderella has to scrub the floors and she's beat by her step-mother? we were restless, so my mother told me to read Cinderella to my brother. I was reading, and my brother asked-poor little kid-asked why the step-mother was wicked and evil. She was listening and she grandly explained that a mother loves her children and treats them well, but if a mother dies the children get a step mother that doesn't love the children and beats and starves them, and makes them work hard. She smiled at us. My brother looked at her real hard, then he whispered-I wish our real mommy didn't die. I hate having a step-mother- She heard that-We were beaten with a belt-sent to bed without dinner-and it wasn't our fault.

      I agree with you that the psychological damage messes us up. I've always been slow and awkward socially. I can't really trust people-I sort of expect to be hurt. Anytime we got to know our neighbors, they'd feed us whenever they saw us-because they knew we probably hadn't eaten for a while, we'd move.

      My father had been a boxer. Here in the US, if a boxer hits some one, they go to prison because their fists are deadly weapons-like guns. My father would get between us, and she'd beat him, hit him with chairs, and then she'd call the police and said that he hit her. The police knew better after talking to the neighbors-and they'd say -Yes, mam, yes mam. It made her feel real good-my brother and I ran to bed and stayed there.

      After my father died, we were both runaways. I was the first one to skip out. I wasn't wild or anything-I just needed escape. My brother was wild.

      You know the police SWAT teams. Our town had their SWAT center near our house. My brother broke in and stole their rifles, pistols, shotguns, ammo, even their loud speaker things. He stole a car to do that. he was selling ammo, etc. My mother decided to clean under his bed, She pulled out some clothes boxes, and these shotguns fell out. He had the rest in the garage rafters. He was 14. The police knew what she was like. When he had his background check to join the marines--they said that he was a good kid to give him a chance to escape and have a chance. This was in Torrance, California-part of Los Angeles. Oh, she called the police on him.

      Somehow my brother didn't get the health problems. I just got a severe case of Irritable Bowel Syndrome, but I managed. I've always had lots of rage. My grandmothers told us that I could turn this rage into constructive things, and feel good and help others, or i could let it destroy me.

      about 5 years ago
    • BoiseB's Avatar
      BoiseB

      Wonderful news derocka, that you took your mother on a shopping trip. So now you need to distance yourself for a few hours.

      about 5 years ago
    • derocka's Avatar
      derocka

      Hi all. Trying to steal glimpses of all you've written so please bear/bare (I never get it right) with me.

      @jake0900 Are you sure your not my mum?! She does the same thing to the doctors when they annoy her even going as far as to telling them they didn't give an F about her (I know, potty mouth right?!)

      @meyati I am really being inspired by your writings. I can, through my depression, feel too sorry for myself and then when I realise it's not as bad as what might be happening to others. I tend to feel guilty. Your recollections are showing me hardships can be over come.

      @BoiseB Why do you suggest I keep space with my mum and I? I'll elaborate on why I find this fascinating (for want of a better word) when I get your answer (and let's hope I remember why I'm asking as we might be here for some while)

      I didn't see my mum today. Its been a day of physical unrest for me. I just feel drained and I go back to the whole guilt thing as I'm not the one with the terrible illness.
      Can I ask if anyone here has used Moringa? I don't know what it does exactly but apparently helps some how.
      Wishing you all well

      about 5 years ago
    • meyati's Avatar
      meyati

      Hi Darling, I can give you an opinion of why you should step back. You answered it yourself when you said that you are so drained. You need to visit and care for your mum, when you have the energy--You need to find something-anything for you to focus on to make a life for yourself and free your mind and soul from your mum's power. For me before and during radiation, I did jigsaw puzzles. It took my mind off of my fears. Buddhists call it the Zen state- where the mind is cleared of fear, stress, worry. Kite flying is another favorite thing to do. For some people it's listening to , making or writing music. Gaming- do you like computer games?

      Doing something that engages your mind-it helps you sleep at night, eat better, helps your digestion, etc.

      All caretakers-family members- become emotionally and mentally drained, and this drains you physically. I think that cancer eats away at everyone-my opinion. It often tears families up, where they blame each other for not helping-I COULD HAVE DONE MORE, the doctor could have done more-Mum could have done more--if this hadn't happened -if that hadn't happened--the treatment is what really made them sick--they didn't prescribe enough pain killer or they gave too much pain killer. The list is endless, and each family and culture has odd twists on the maybes.

      Taking time away from your mum, and thinking-I did not cause the cancer-mum did not cause the cancer-both of my grandfathers died in their late 90s from accidents, and they used tobacco as kids. One was run over on his 98th birthday- he forgot to look-and a speeding drunk came down the street and hit him. My father and his brothers were getting off the bus from Ft. Riley, Kansas to spend his birthday with him. The other one was almost 87, and his shotgun went off, while he was crossing a wire fence. He was hunting pheasants. He used a scythe, and scythed grass instead of mowing with a mower.

      Bad parents tell us that we caused the action against us. That beatings or mind games are for our own good; that these games that control and cripple us emotionally will make us better-stronger. We grow up with guilt, and we try so hard to prove that we are worthy of living and having life, but we never are good enough.

      My brother and I learned to hide our emotions pretty good because of how our mother was-every torturer is different. If she slapped me, and Joe smiled, he was beaten for gloating and being happy about my punishment. If we looked like we were going to cry, while the other was beaten, the one with the sad face was beaten-You want to cry, I'll give you something to cry about. I've been looking at pictures-from the age of 5 we didn't smile for any pictures, we sometimes scowled-my aunts and grandmas stepped in and said that the sun or lights must hurt our eyes.

      Please take time for yourself- have you made model airplanes-- The English Super Marine Spitfire is still one of the most beautiful planes in the world-I got into making and painting plastic model planes, while my father was dying-then I made them with my kids, and grandkids.

      about 5 years ago
    • jake0900's Avatar
      jake0900

      @derocka, I know a little bit about medical, you know, when you have been diagnosed with something, at least nowadays, you have to be proactive and learn about treatments and such. I've been told by one doctor the only way to treat my one illness is to stop eating. Imagine a doctor telling you to stop eating? After a while, you fire the doctor. People that are fat, generally know they are fat, people that have diabetes, generally know that they have to change their eating habits, but the doctor should talk to you in a more tactful manner, that's when I get mad and say things and fire them. You hire them, you have the right to fire them. They have the right to fire you as a patient as well. Just because they have their medical degree doesn't mean they were near or at the top of their class and they know 100% what they are talking about. I've learned with thyroid cancer you have to be your own advocate sometimes and research. Along the way, you may have to fire a few doctors, but you have to take care of yourself and learn to not subject yourself to bad medicine.

      That is where you are wrong and I am not like your mum. I am a proactive patient that, for the most part, knows when the doctor is wrong. Some doctors will give you medicines because that is what they think you want. I don't want pills to treat my symptoms. I want the symptoms gone. I would love to be cured. Who wants to be sick? Not me!

      That is the great thing about the internet. You have a pathway to find the answers. I used to go to medical libraries to research my diagnosis. I learned to do this because I had a doctor back in the 1980's that diagnosed me with Fibromyalgia and she was wrong. I did not have this disease, she didn't even do the proper testing to see if I didn't have it. She put me on 2 drugs and then the following month yelled at me that I wasn't increasing the amount of the medication. I took a 1/2 of a 25 mg amitriptylan and I slept for over 24 hours. What is that going to do for me? I didn't want sleep that long, just 8 hours like a normal person. I had to go to work, I was only in my 20's at the time. I fired her!

      @meyati, I'm sorry that you are having a struggle with your medical care. If there is any way I can help you, just let me know. That is why we are on these sites, to help each other. My mother was abused as a child and she was able to break the cycle. She was an awesome woman and I am so grateful she was in my life. She died when I was 17 from a car accident. I miss her to this day, 35 years later. She would tells us about her childhood and how she protected her brother. I understand, somewhat, what you are going through.

      @derocka, I really hope that you keep talking to us on this site. I am sorry that you have to deal with your mum being sick and the abusive life you grew up with because of your mum. I wish you a lot of luck. We are here to listen and discuss, if necessary.

      Take care and good luck

      about 5 years ago
    • Roadahead's Avatar
      Roadahead

      Hello, I am so sorry and very familiar with being a caregiver watching/fighting destructive behavior. My solution....GET HELP for YOURSELF!! My therapist has given me permission to be angry and frustrated without letting it take control of our household.

      Don't let your mom pass with this dark cloud memory of her last days....see a professional. Please...

      about 5 years ago
    • derocka's Avatar
      derocka

      Hello all.
      Firstly so sorry I've not found the time to be on here to give updates. I work self employed on that wretched site ebay (don't worry, this isn't a sales pitch!) and now my landlord is being a heartless swine.

      Anyway, my mum made a decision about a month ago that after her radiotherapy she was going to go back home and live on her own and this is when the smoking started. She also decided she only wanted a carer to come in the morning and not the evening. This has created a greater demand on me and now her "friend" who thinks giving in to my mum's wishes of buying tobacco is productive (both I and this "friend" are the only two with keys for the house along with the carers).

      Monday, my entire family had tried to call her and the phone was engaged. The carer called me and told me the key which is kept in a safe outside my mum's home was not there. I was not planning on going to her home but I did, just to make sure she was okay.

      When I arrived I found her with her feet on the bed, with her back on the floor. She was in tears. The room was boiling hot with the fan heater having been on high and the smell of faeces almost burning my face. I tried to help her up but she kept wailing in pain and rubbing her belly. I got her on the bed and the first thing she tried to get was her spliff. I took it from her mouth and said I'm not going to watch you kill yourself to which she said "you're killing me". I don't want to put in to words the things that have been going through my head since I heard that. I move at a snails pace both mentally and in life so it didn't impact me immediately but it has since.
      I think I did the right thing in calling the ambulance. She went off to hospital. I've not seen her yet but it's been relayed to me that she has a few months left.

      Anyway, I thought I would share that. I certainly understand I can not know what it is like to go through cancer (not yet anyway but my doomsday will come). I feel to some extent this is not my mother because that's what people who know her keep saying to me. The thing is, in the period when she was supposedly normal and okay, she was equally horrid to me. So, can someone explain to me why I'm welling up or I get the lump in throat, the pain in the head etc?

      Wishing you all well and thanking you for your kindness

      about 5 years ago
    • jake0900's Avatar
      jake0900

      Derocka, it's hard to say why you are welling up or getting the lump in the throat, except that regardless of what your mum has done to you, you still care. You are a bigger person for caring and taking the time to help your mum. My mother was abused as a child and her mother moved back to our hometown to live. My mother took care of her regardless of the mental abuse my grandmother gave her and that really ticked off my father, but my mother said she had to it was her mother.

      You feel obligated to help because you are a good person who cares even when you feel you shouldn't. Don't beat yourself up! Another member on here said that you should seek help. I agree! You are a very caring person who is depressed and needs help. There is nothing wrong with that, I've even taken up meditating. I'm tired of all of the negativity in my life and the meditation has helped me a lot. I wish you a lot of luck with yourself and your mum. I hope you find a physical support group or learn about meditation or seek professional help.

      I am here for you and wish I was there to help you. You sound like a person that could use a good friend and a good shoulder and ears to hold you and listen to you.

      Keep writing to us here. We are here to help you the best we can.

      Take care,
      Mary F.

      about 5 years ago
    • CAS1's Avatar
      CAS1

      I will be saying a prayer for you and your mother tonight. God's grace to the both of you.

      about 5 years ago
    • BoiseB's Avatar
      BoiseB

      I am so sorry about your mother. I am praying for you both

      about 5 years ago
    • meyati's Avatar
      meyati

      Dear Derocka, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. You are a very strong person to survive all of the abuse, and have a loving heart.

      Your mum probably doesn't like herself much. That's probably why she has been so mean to you. Everybody wants to loved. Everybody wants to feel of value-helpful. That's exactly why your mum said that "You're killing me." She has to put the blame on you, and not accept her responsibility for herself. She's trying to harm you as much as she can, and make you feel unworthy.

      Do you know the story of "Cinderella" the girl who had a horrible step-mother? My mother told me to read it to my little brother. I was reading how Cinderella was beat, had to go without food, and clean the house, and my brother stopped me. He asked me what the difference was between a mother and step-mother. I didn't know. Mother told us that a mother loves the children and treats them kindly because she loves them, but the mother dies, they get a step-mother.. My poor little brother began crying, and said, "I wish our Mommy didn't die, and we had our real mommy." Of course we were beaten, sent to bed without food.

      Your mum did the same thing as my mother did. Some people aren't fit to be parents, but all children are worthy to be children.

      Don't beat yourself up, because your heart is torn to shreds. You are torn up because she's the only mother you know, and you love her. Your heart is torn because society says to love your mother, because she is your mother. Your heart is torn because she is cruel. Your heart is torn because you don't know what to do. Don't think that you are weak because you have a strong and loving heart.

      My father died. I loved him dearly, and he protected as much as possible from our mother. I knew that he was dying. I thought that I was ready for his death, but I wasn't. I was 13 and sort of dumb. You know that your mother is far from the best, and you're trying to sort out the soon coming death of a person that has been cruel to you, but you still have love, and still want approval. You're like me, as much as we recognize reality, our hearts overwhelm us, because we are living and loving children that only seek approval and worthiness.

      All of my life, I've been on this roller coaster-flying on a jet without controls, lost. Counseling has helped. Finding something that you can immerse your self in can help. Helping other people can help you, there's something about helping others that helps us to heal. Let yourself mourn and let yourself heal. There isn't any quick answer, but there are many ways to heal. You deserve to heal.We both know that mean and cruel young women turn into hateful older women. I feel so sorry for you that you had to see your mother in that state- helpless and hateful. Nobody should see that. You did right in calling the ambulance, as you would have hated yourself if you had left.

      I've managed to find some peace. You will pick a road to peace-it will go up and down, back and forth. I know that it all seems like too much, but if we take one step at a time, we can do it.

      I understand the emotional draining of energy when something unpleasant happens-I just feel weak-I find myself wondering if I am odd. I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one that gets that way. All of us are praying for you in our own ways.

      Bless you derocka

      about 5 years ago
    • derocka's Avatar
      derocka

      Thank you @meyati. I have to be honest, I've only glanced the responses on her and am so over whelmed by it all. It's 1am here in London. It's been a fraught week. am I able to message people on here privately?

      As for mum...I've been up all night trying to sleep but I've been in tears and having panic attacks every so often. I'm sad to say the smoking she's done since getting her terminal diagnosis has resulted in them telling us she may, at best only have a few weeks to live. There are some really annoying side issues going on within my family...but that's another story.

      I think I have painted a bad picture of my mum. She has confused the XXX out of me in my life time but I think she IS a true Gemini. She's simply hot and cold. The abuse certainly happened and, for the most part, I can only remember those things but she was okay at times. I think we found a common interest in swearing in her later years! I will miss her. No doubt about that. It's just when she upset/angered/abused me that's all I could see and all the unresolved issues.

      Meyati, i think you might be right...strike that, you are right! I work with kids and they give me the strength and will to continue. For years now I've been into this whole storage hunter thing as well where I buy stuff I have no idea about and, getting lucky, get a profit more often than not. However, its a bit like being a tortoise in a shell, you have to stick your neck out and experience the world sometimes right?

      Thank you all once again for your well wishing. I am quite surprised how things have gone for mum. I thought she would have shown more resilience. She was forever fighting injustices and angry about something..
      Alas, I must try to get some rest. Wishing you all well as always
      Blessings

      about 5 years ago
    • meyati's Avatar
      meyati

      Hi, we can't message or exchange Email addresses here. Because of privacy, many sites have stopped these things. Some people get bullied, flamed, even have there sites taken over. Some people run scams-and trick people out of money-all sorts of things.

      My father died from stomach cancer- He was an artillery Sgt, at Ft. Riley, Kansas. That fort had been home to my family since the 1870s, so you could really say that I was a ft.rileybrat We were sort of yahoos---like the horse cavalry yelled- "Yahoo." Nothing like a ft.rileybrat that yells, " Yahoo". My father used to ride bucking horses, and everyone yelled, "Ride'em cowboy, Yahoo."

      I know what you mean. Sometimes there can be actual moments of kindness by a cruel parent. Sometimes I think of those moments. It's just that I don't have very many of those. When I was in high school, she became interested in dressing me really nice, and me looking pretty. Many times, I was the first girl to wear a new style. She even let me paint my finger nails blue. We shopped together and did each other's nails. I baby sat during the school term, and worked as a nanny during the summers.There were lots of rich people- I just wasn't one of them. I gave my mum almost all of the money, but I kept enough for a coke and Twinkie to get on my way home from school.

      about 5 years ago
    • jake0900's Avatar
      jake0900

      Hello Meyati,

      I was stationed at Ft. Riley from October 1979 - the beginning of December 1981, then I went to Germany until July 6, 1983. What a small world. I was not a fan of Kansas, I grew up in upstate NY so they were 2 completely different atmospheres. I find that interesting, I lived on post for most of my time there, but I did live with my boyfriend in Manhattan, KS right across the street/highway from the airport in a trailer on a farm. OMG I had so many memories there. When you mentioned it, a flood of those memories, both good and bad came back. I'm sorry that you had to grow up in an abusive home. I was luck, my mother broke the chain. She was very much abused as a child and refused to treat her children like she was treated.

      Mary F.

      about 5 years ago
    • meyati's Avatar
      meyati

      hi-Things have changed a lot. My Dad and his brothers were there when they had horses pull the cannons and howitzers.

      My mom was raised in a loving family. During the Spanish flu epidemic, my grandmother buried 3 children in a month. A new born son, a 5 yr old son, and the oldest daughter a week before her wedding. Grandmother had several more kids-then went into menopause. When grandmother was 49 she became pregnant with my mom. Maybe mother was left on their door step in a box or she really was born of my grandmother. The doctors said that she'd be sickly because of grandmothers old age. She had nieces and nephews a few years older than her.

      One day my grandpa sat us down, and said that it was his fault for spoiling her, they gave her everything she wanted. The only thing they didn't allow her to do was join the German American Bundt-American nazis-. Yes, she admired Himmler, the third Reich. Both grandma and grandpa said they should have used the belt on her.

      When my brother was barely 3, she took us to visit a family with girls. So he played with us. There wasn't anything else for him to do.. She ranted at him that he was a girly boy all the way home. By the time my father came home, my brother was beaten, put in a dress, had lipstick put on him, and a ribbon in his hair. She made him wear a dress for a few days. She took us to visit the family with girls, and that woman threw my mother out of the house, and told that she didn't want such a cruel person around her children. So my brother was beaten again. after a few days, my father tore the dress off.

      My father was a professional boxer-so he couldn't hit her-she was almost 200 lbs-almost 6 ft. and my Dad was 5' 4 and a fly weight boxer--probably 110 lbs. She regularly beat him up, and often called the police on him, saying she was just defending herself.

      My brother never had kids, he was scared that he'd abuse them. He married into a large Japanese family and has been a kind, loving, generous uncle--teaching them how to scuba dive, karate--in the spring International karate competitions- He was a judge for years-he represented the Marine Corps and Okinawa.

      Mom died this fall. My brother and I didn't have any contact with her for years. My daughter was visiting a relative that she got along with-and over heard a phone call. She called her son. He told me that he had good news for me-she was dead- I said-are you sure? I jumped and screamed, I'm free, I'm free. My grandson called his cousins and said-- Guess what, the wicked witch is dead. Yes, she's so happy. I'm 72, and I just wanted to out live her. I had my son call the relative, and confirm this. She lived in Oregon, and he lives in Texas. He made the final arrangements and i guess FAXed legal paperwork. Nobody would do this for her. I called my brother in Japan. He asked me if I was sure, I said -yes--He said that she should have died in prison.

      I let my children have contact with her, I just didn't want to talk to her-2,000 miles wasn't far enough for me-my brother said that if she moved to Okinawa that he'd do embassy duty in Moscow or Saudi Arabia. Then they let their children have contact with her-it was mostly through phone calls and letters and Email. With just that- they decided that she was very evil. I didn't care if they wrote or called. I just didn't want them to go to OR.

      about 5 years ago
    • derocka's Avatar
      derocka

      Folks, at approximately 4pm GMT my mum passed away. It's been a crazy day. I have been trying to avoid going to the hospital for a few days now as the horrible memories of my mum have been piling up but my pushy aunt (XXX I love that woman) kind of forced me too. I was in tears from the minute I saw her. She was unable to speak or open her eyes, just being kept alive by the morphine. When the party I was with left, another group turned up. I don't want to give specifics but this party, while also family, included at least 2 characters my mum was not happy with while she was conscious. I just felt our positive air was being replaced with ... I don't know, villains?!
      Please note folks I'm partially drunk so this is the only reason I'm able to type right now.

      Anyway, someone I'd fallen out with but told none the less about my mum called me to deliver the news. The cancer had spread from her brain and lungs to her bones. As much as she did negative to me, she also kind of helped me to learn to stand on my own two feet.

      Naturally I'm upset, distraught even and with the help of some white rum, I'm like alert and stuff. However, I feel like the bike with out it's stabilizers. Thank you all.

      Meyati, you owe me nothing yet you in particular have been so generous as have all of you who've taken the time to read/write.

      If you have cancer, please please please try to fight it. It's easy for someone like me to say but you must try and fight it. Take care good people and good night. x

      Ps if on "tweet tweet" I'm @derocka

      about 5 years ago
    • amym1183's Avatar
      amym1183

      My Mom, who passed 7 months ago, also had Stave IV lung with mets on her spine and brain. She had radiation on lungs, brain and spine. She became too weak and ill for chemo but she didn't want to go through that as she saw me at 3 years old go through it. My advice to you: enjoy the time you left with her. Don't be angry, resentful and controlling of her. Allow her to do what ever she wants, even if you don't agree, because stopping smoking or eating sweets, etc. at this point, as much as I hate to say it, will not cure her. I wish I would have taken more time off work and traveled the 700 miles to spend more time with my Mom. Moments are things you can never get back......so go make some happy ones with her while you still can. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this painful and difficult time.

      almost 5 years ago
    • derocka's Avatar
      derocka

      @amym1183 Thank you for the advice but my mum has passed already.

      almost 5 years ago

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