• When your significant other leaves while you are still healing and facing a second opinion on another issue?

    Asked by iveysmemaw on Wednesday, September 4, 2013

    When your significant other leaves while you are still healing and facing a second opinion on another issue?

    How do you deal with a significant other leaving you once surgery is done and learning that the second opinion with another doctor for what could be another bout of cancer? I am feeling scared, hurt, and just confused. I handle the friends that left my life once the found out about the kidney cancer however this just happen and the hurt is unreal.

    16 Answers from the Community

    16 answers
    • Rosa's Avatar
      Rosa

      I am sorry you are feeling so hurt and lonely. This is really not easy for you. Do you have other people, family, friends who are willing to help, support you? If you do, please contact them, let them help you in any way they can. They will be happy to do so.
      If you don't have any, please contact your community, church groups, cancer centers, your treatment centers, any other place where there are good people willing to help others.
      Don' give up, fight for your life, your health.
      We will pray for you.
      Blessings

      over 6 years ago
    • BuckeyeShelby's Avatar
      BuckeyeShelby

      I'm so sorry you have to deal w/relationship issues on top of your fight against cancer. We are here to help lift you up. I know it's not the same, but there are definitely people here who care.

      over 6 years ago
    • cam32505's Avatar
      cam32505

      It's too bad that people bail out on us when we need them the most. It's difficult to be a caregiver and watching your loved one suffer. Sometimes, it's just selfishness. They just don't want to keep going to the hospital and never having a social life. Many people lead productive lives both during and after cancer treatment. You will find many supportive people online and at your local cancer center. Who better to understand than another cancer patient. I will pray that you find your way, but keep strong for yourself. Take care.

      over 6 years ago
    • cmartini424's Avatar
      cmartini424

      My ex left me after my 2nd chemo treatment and after I sold everything to move to be with him. He literally left me with nothing and I'm still standing and Cancer free at 28! You can do this!

      over 6 years ago
    • AlizaMLS's Avatar
      AlizaMLS

      Dear iveysmemaw,

      I'm so sorry to hear that this happened to you. I'm Aliza, btw, a Breast Cancer patient in NY. I heard from a friend of mine who attended a support group at Memorial Sloan Kettering that it's very frequent that when women get cancer, their husbands often leave. Doesn't much matter what kind of Cancer (my friend has Hodgkins' Disease, not Breast Cancer). It's just a fact, that men cannot seem to handle these things as well as we women can. Life truly isn't fair!

      I'm also the site's unofficial resident Medical Librarian which means I make a lot of referrals for folks to doctors, hospitals, agencies, websites, books, etc. One referral I think that would help you right now it to contact CancerCare. Their Social Workers are unparalled at dealing with all kinds of issues related to the highly specialized needs of Cancer patients and their caregivers--even if your s.o. is gone, you can still designate a friend as a new caregiver, at least temporarily. Talking to someone in person or by phone is a much different experience than writing to us here because it allows you to develop a "real relationship" as opposed to being more of a "penpal relationship", even though we share the common bond of being ill.

      You will get through this. I know. I'm a divorcee. I left my husband when my daughter was two and I'd never been on my own before (I'm 54 now and she's 26). This is just a darn inconvenient time for this to happen...;) (to say the least) and your s.o. is not the nicest man nor the brightest bulb in the bunch because one day, he'll get sick and wish someone like you could be there for him.

      Please call CancerCare and keep us posted as to how you're doing. My great aunt who was a widow and single mom way before it was fashionable was comforting a friend once who went through a bad breakup and the woman was wondering if her life was worth living. My aunt who was a realist (with a sicked sense of humor) told her, "Oh, it will be an interesting chapter in your autobiography". It hurts a lot now, I know, but if your s.o. was really that cowardly, he wasn't worth having around.

      Again keep us posted.

      Warmest wishes,
      Aliza

      over 6 years ago
    • CAS1's Avatar
      CAS1

      if you can just try and let everyhting go. Just make a decision NOT to deal with anything other than your cancer fight. Try and keep a laser focus on your fight and what you need to do to get you through treatment. Everything else will just have to wait.
      No big decisions other than : I will not deal with this right now.
      Please try and meditate. Try and take a look at the deepak meditation on relationships cd. Its excellant and use this time to just relax and prepare for when you are done with treatment and ready to get on with your life. A new and happy part two.

      The last thing anyone needs is someone without character. On the other hand he/she might just need some time to refresh. To get some distance. No decisions just relax and get through this very difficut time.

      over 6 years ago
    • glam's Avatar
      glam

      Dear fellow, I am so sorry you have to live all those hurtful experiences at same time....Sometimes it seems we are being testes and that we will not be able to handle anymore, but if you keep faithful, I am sure you can and you will overcome this tough time and will reborn much stronger than you have ever been.....It is not easy I know.....I am a stage IVB colon cancer and I have been fighting this all last years against my disease, but I am sure that with God bless we can do and we will do.....Believe in yourself, believe in God, believe in those that did not run away and are willing to support you and believe in your doctors......don't be afraid to open your heart to people that surround you, to ask for help and be surrounded of people instead of spending too much time alone......get involved with support group in your community and always count on us.....we will be ,here to support you and to listen to you whenever you need or want......I will be praying for you.....God bless you and we all

      over 6 years ago
    • lilymadeline's Avatar
      lilymadeline

      I'm so sorry, your head is probably spinning and I imagine that you feel completely stunned and numb! People get scared and sometimes do horribly selfish, crazy and hurtful things when someone close to them becomes very ill. All I can say is it just takes time to heal, and maybe seek a support group or personal therapy. If ever there is a time when you need help it is now and it is so hurtful when someone pulls the rug out from under your feet!
      My boyfriend of 7 years dumped me when I was diagnosed with cancer, then he came back and dumped me again the night before my surgery, then he came back again but I finally learned my lesson and wouldn't take him back at that point. I'm saying your SO might come back, but don't go there....I know that it doesn't feel like it now, but you are better off without this toxic person in your life. love and blessings! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

      over 6 years ago
    • Stephstruble's Avatar
      Stephstruble

      Why did he leave you? What were his reasons? Is it possible that the relationship became just about you, you, you? I know you break down and cry everyday. I know your fear, your hurt, your confusion, I know it all. Then, your friends leave you too. Now, you have no one to vent this to but him, day in and day out. I know, I have walked your path, and I am not judging you, believe me. How does Dr. Phill say it "step out of the box, and look in?" Have you done that? Is it possible that you talked about this all day, that this is all he has heard for months, and now he is just drained? Do you go to counseling to help you with this? Do you go to cancer groups to talk to about this? Have you reached out in other directions but him? Maybe he has done this so you can find strength to get thru this. Maybe, he cannot be your strength anymore, that has to come within. This is hard, this is horrible, and I hurt for you and what you are going thru. I have been thru the exact same thing. I too, lost all of my friends. To make things worse, my family never called me either as soon as I got diagnoses. I never heard from my Dad, my brother, Aunts and Uncles, Cousins or nobody for a year and a half now. I lost my home because I was even denied social security and any help of any funds at all. I had no power for 9 months and had to carry water buckets just to use the rest room with my kidney cut out and stitches in my stomach. Believe me, I know your pain, and then some. Try to get him back if this is what you feel you need in your life. Promise him that you will find strength in other directions. If this does not work after you have tried everything, let it go. Maybe this happened for a hard horrible reason. I don't know if you believe in God or not, but that was the only thing that got me thru after loosing everything and everyone and now I am a much stronger person for it. Some how, you have to find your strength within yourself, that was my experience anyway. My new motto is "you have to go thru XXX to get to heaven." Well, either way, I got there! Again, I am so sorry for all of your hurt and wish I could take it away. I can only leave you with "to thine myself, be true." You will find your answer there.

      over 6 years ago
    • ladyhawk's Avatar
      ladyhawk

      This angers me! need to cool off before I comment!

      over 6 years ago
    • isnoop's Avatar
      isnoop

      i can relate. mine left in a different way. he couldn't face the fact that i may die and took to the bottle

      over 6 years ago
    • ladyhawk's Avatar
      ladyhawk

      ok, I'm back! Can you ask him," how did the marriage vows go again?" oh I know! "in sickness and in health". but if that doesn't get his attention,, here;s one!, "Its funny how roles can be reversed at any!" " But, thanks again for showing me what a coward you really are! You know we could of ended this before I got sick, not in the middle of a storm!" Ivey, when I first got sick 3yrs ago, I told my spouse its now or never to end this marriage, because of what was about to come, I even told him I would understand! He's still here! You see I see both sides, but what was done to you is so wrong! SO don't GIVE UP, DON'T CRY anymore, DON'T BE AFRAID, and KEEP ON LIVING! Use our strength here to help you, we are all connected here one way or another! Blessings my friend :) smile:))))))))))))))

      over 6 years ago
    • iveysmemaw's Avatar
      iveysmemaw

      I will be calling Cancercare and I love you all... I was not allowed to discuss this with him I have been talking to others because he could not understand what was going on I am finding out on the 24th of this month whether or not I am in for another battle with cancer. I know I can not allow myself to wallow in this crap (lack of a better word right now) as I am still reeling from the kidney cancer surgery. My right breast is showing up with several nodules the first opinion I got varied therefore I am seeing a breast specialization that a friend recommended as she has survived two rounds of breast cancer. So I am picking myself up and moving forward trying so hard not to let the last words he said to me: I felt sorry for you cause you had cancer" keep bothering me. I want to live I want to survive not wallow in someone else's poor self esteem.

      over 6 years ago
    • TessElizabeth's Avatar
      TessElizabeth

      Words cannot describe my dismay at how "loved ones" or friends treat a person who has cancer. I guess you can't put in what God left out. Regardless, I am so sorry you are going through this and wish I could give you a big hug to assure you, you are not alone. There are more strong, kind and good people in this world than there are weak, selfish people. Please do reach out to a cancer community near you and continue to be part of the WhatNext community. You are not alone and we care deeply for you.

      over 6 years ago
    • ladyhawk's Avatar
      ladyhawk

      ivey,,, turn his last words around and say 'Heck , I feel sorry for YOU! your gonna miss out on a great gal!" (while displaying a "L" with your fingers, on your forehead for him to see) hahaha,,,
      S M I L E!!!!!!!!

      about 6 years ago
    • CJake55's Avatar
      CJake55

      I've been left twice during major illness recovery--first by my ex of 28 yrs., 3 1/2 months after a thymectomy and getting plasma pheresis every month. And now, by my 7 1/2 year live-in boyfriend, 9 months after my radical nephrectomy. This is NOT a coincidence. I'm a bad chooser, and my mates have been very narcissistic. Two things that have helped me deal with this horrendous treatment--not including leaning on many others--1) they are merely statistics, not people. IT'S NOT YOU!! It's their INABILITY TO CARE FOR SOMEONE ELSE!! 2) keep in mind this ridiculous story--I was heavily doped up a week after my thymectomy, chest cracked, extreme pain & fatigue, totally "out of it." My then-husband, a physician, BURST THROUGH THE BEDROOM DOOR, YELLING!--"I'm not getting enough from this relationship!!"

      So, remember--you ARE worth it, get care from other people, FOCUS on your recovery, and move on. It is a tough, obnoxious experience, but you're not alone. Feel free to contact me.

      over 5 years ago

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