DavidandMarty - Spouse/Partner: Lung Cancer- Currently in active treatment (initial surgery, receiving chemo rounds/radiation)

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DavidandMarty
Coeur d'Alene, ID
Member Since May 2012

My Goodwill

101

Their Diagnoses (1)

- Spouse/Partner: Lung Cancer
- Patient Info: Currently in active treatment (initial surgery, receiving chemo rounds/radiation), Diagnosed: over 5 years ago, Male, Age: 70
- View this journey (1 Experience)

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DavidandMarty posted an update

David is doing well at this time. I hate the fact that the doctor told us "3 months", it is like watch the clock tick away each second. But I think we will beat the odds, I'm looking forward to a Thanksgiving dinner!!!!
But as a caregiver and loving wife I have a problem that I am sure someone can relate to, I don't sleep. He moves and I am up like a bullet. I take sleeping pills, I have tried sleeping in another room (that didn't work at all), doing accupunture, reading, drinking, spa, wet socks, you name it I have tried it and just can't turn off the brain. This is normal??? I know it is fear, my fear that something will happen or that he will need me and I won't respond, or maybe that I will miss that one last second with him. Can anyone relate to this?
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over 4 years ago
3 Comments
- FreeBird
  
  From my perspective, it is normal to lose sleep as a caregiver who is also a family member, wanting to stay alert and not drop the ball if he needs anything. It might help to deal with whatever is on your mind. If you're always thinking about the things you need to do, write it down on paper. If keeping an eye on him is your main concern, you might think about having some trusted help come in, just to give your mind a break and help you get some quality sleep.
  
  I think it's a mistake for a doctor to give a definite time without explaining it further.
  
  0 Like
  over 4 years ago
- FreeBird
  
  You may also want to talk to Hospice about the possibility that you're experiencing what they call anticipatory grief-- the start of a grieving process before anything actually happens. Remember that they are supposed to be there for you also.
  
  0 Like
  over 4 years ago
- GregP_WN
  
  HI David and Marty, you might want to post this as a question in the questions tab, you will get lots more people to see it and chime in with their thoughts.
  Thanks For Posting
  Greg P
  Team WhatNext
  
  0 Like
  over 4 years ago
DavidandMarty started following

User: mikedwv
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over 4 years ago
DavidandMarty asked a questionLung Cancer

As a caregiver (wife) and in the last days how do you deal with family that is just stupid?
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- 10 Answers
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almost 5 years ago
10 answers
- Mollie
  
  I think what it comes down to is people just don't "get it" if they've not gone through either the cancer part or the caregiving part. I always try to assume positive intent, but it's hard, especially the last few days. Be strong and listen to all of these great idea everyone's been offering and choose what's right for you.
  
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  almost 5 years ago
- 1lungwonder
  
  I am so sorry for the heartache you are living through. I would say that you need to be a firmer and let any family know that there is not room in your home or in this emotional time to have unplanned guest. If you have to list reasons for them, here are some biggies: #1 after medical expenses, we can't afford to feed you, #2 My husband's environment needs to be calm. #3 We can not be exposed to germs right now, and how about #4 YOU ARE ACTING LIKE VULTURES! Let my husband and I have time together as his passing draws near. I will make sure you are given what ever HE wants you to have, but remember that I do have to exist after his passing. I will be praying for you.
  
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  almost 5 years ago
- Shoeless
  
  I simply told everyone to not come over without calling first as we had to be going to doctors and treatments quite often and weren't sure when we would be home to receive company, or when I would feel up to it. Then when they called my wife would tell them she needed help with cooking and cleaning since taking care of me required so much of her time, plus with all of our expenses (doctors, meds) we would of course appreciate any help they could give with buying groceries, and naturally children shouldn't come over due to both the noise (I'm very tired from the chemo) and the germs that school kids carry home (my resistance is low right now). Needless to say, this cut the visitors down to just the few who really cared and really wanted to help. The rest just suddenly remembered something they had to do and sorry, can't make it over today. As for the disappearing objects, I didn't have that problem, so I can't really address it other than to suggest you say something along the lines of "for some strange reason he receives comfort from looking at/touching/using that object the past few days or weeks". I think that would cause them to them pause and think.
  
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  almost 5 years ago
DavidandMarty wrote on barbarajo's wall

Well one thing is for sure, all of our journeys are different. We have Hospice now, in fact since July whne my husband woke up one morning and said, "No more treatments, I don't want to make that drive one more time (we drove 3 hours each way for treatment each week and had to stay the night so he could take his blood shot in the morning and see the doc) which means I don't want to see the doctor anymore either." When I called and cancelled all further appointments the doctor said we needed Hospice. They have been the best thing that has happened to us in the past 9 months! We have been lucky that he isn't in any pain...well some when he coughs.
As a caregiver my heart goes out to you and I pray that things are going the best that they can and that YOU have support.
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almost 5 years ago
DavidandMarty wrote on carm's wall

Again Thanks. you were on spot and right on time! Today was a day, that is all I can say.
Stay in the Light carm
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almost 5 years ago
DavidandMarty wrote on carm's wall

I read what you wrote to Donna C. This also helped me, thank you. My husband is dying and we are having issues with his family. They are not in our state and just don't get it. they think they are coming out here the end of this month and it will be a fun vacation with their brother, dinners out, boating on the lake, some fishing...no and no matter how I have said it they are living in denial. I finally this very morning told his sister that we don't think he will make to Oct and she almost died! I guess as you said tell like it is and hope for the best. Thank you again CARM.
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almost 5 years ago
1 Comment
- carm
  
  Denial can be such comfort when reality is that cold awakening that calls out to you. It is hard for those who see their own mortality in their terminal loved ones. You did the right thing and his sister will have to accept that her brother is possibly at the end of his journey. I'm glad my words brought you comfort. This cant be easy for you but we all struggle with the prospect of separation. It burns our heart, stings our eyes but one day after they have left this earth you are drawn to a sensation that feels so familiar and before you realize what is happening, the apparent distance between you both is gone and in the calmest of moments you feel held by a silence in the room, a welcome embrace that came about when the warmth of your heart ignited the once thought diminished fire in his. There is nothing like that feeling when you have validated the love between you with the knowledge that it is strong enough to transcend both worlds. Good luck with his family, I'm here if you need me, Carm.
  
  1 Like
  almost 5 years ago