• DEB_INDY's Avatar

    DEB_INDY posted an update

    My husband starts chemo, carbo/taxol, Tuesday. Any suggestions or do's and don't's in trying to best prepare physically?

    1 Comment
    • DaveWaz's Avatar
      DaveWaz

      This would be great to post in our Questions section. You can do this by clicking on the "Ask Network" link on your logged in home page or the "Questions" link at the top of this page. When you post needs/questions using our question feature, we route your question to everyone in the network who might be able to help. Also, know you can use the "Update" feature on the site to keep anyone who might be following you on WhatNext up to date.

      about 4 years ago
  • DEB_INDY's Avatar

    DEB_INDY asked a questionLung Cancer

    My husband is becoming very distant since diagnosis. We can't seems to talk about anything at all without arguing. Please any advice?

    5 answers
    • shauna0915's Avatar
      shauna0915

      We, as caregivers, tend to catch the brunt of all the anger and aggression meant for the cancer. It's said we tend to hurt the ones we love the most. It doesn't make it right, but it's true in the "cancer world". My dad would get so aggravated with my step-mom over petty things. It could be because his tea was too hot, or not hot enough. Something was too salty or spicy or bland. He would just pop off for no reason at all. In the end, it was because he was scared... and proud. Pride is a dreadful thing when one is fighting cancer. It's harder for men to swallow than women.

      Marty (DavidandMarty) has a good suggestion... go to the health food store and get Rescue Remedy. It will help your nerves and calm him down too.

      You may just have to confront him and flat out tell him that you are hurting too and he's not the only one affected by the cancer. I'm a pretty direct person and I'd tell him to get over himself and quit arguing and yelling every time you try to talk to him. My partner is very similar in that she is unemotional and I'm overly emotional. I need hugs and attention and she wants to be left alone. Sometimes I just have to go off on my own and have my temper tantrum and get my screaming and crying out and come back and deal with her lack of emotion. It doesn't matter if it's my problem or hers, it's always the same... I'm the emotional one and she's stone faced. We've been together over 17 years and it doesn't get any easier. Yes, we've been through the whole serious illness thing... she has sarcoidosis. Now I have a nodule and a couple spots on my lungs and I'm trying not to freak out but I just lost my dad last July 4th to lung cancer, so I'm scared and she doesn't understand why. I talk about it with other people because I know she'll tell me not to worry until there is something to worry about. She doesn't know I cry myself to sleep sometimes because I'm horrified that I may have lung cancer on top of all my other health issues.

      Bottom line is... either tell him to shut up and listen or find another person to talk to about it. And...get the Rescue Remedy. It helps! Good luck!

      over 4 years ago
    • RuthAnne's Avatar
      RuthAnne

      I think some distancing is normal. Since my diagnosis, I go back and forth being distant with people and being involved with people. One of the realizations that I had when I knew that I was Stage IV was that, although I had a lot of people on my 'support team', I was alone. I was the one who would suffer the effects of treatment and the disease.

      I did recognize fairly quickly the caregivers have their own brand of suffering and that my cancer affected others but even so , having cancer can make you feel very isolated, like other people who don't have it can't possibly understand (whether it's true or not). And then you withdraw.

      Connecting with other people who actually have cancer helps. If he is willing to either go to a cancer support group or even join this one (or one like it), it might help him cope.

      Best of luck.

      about 4 years ago
    • Marmalady's Avatar
      Marmalady

      I needed to withdraw for awhile in order to assimilate the diagnosis for myself--and my darling husband didn't understand. Then a month later HE was diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer--and needed lots of support from me. We got counseling and I think we both understand each other's needs better now.

      about 4 years ago
  • DEB_INDY's Avatar

    DEB_INDY posted an update

    I am so grateful for this site.

    1 Comment
    • DaveWaz's Avatar
      DaveWaz

      Thank you! We are so appreciative that you are here and helping others as you are hopefully getting some support that you need, too!

      over 4 years ago
  • DEB_INDY's Avatar

    DEB_INDY shared an experience

    Oh No (Relationship issues): He is so angry. This is not going his way. He is so scared but will not share his feelings. He isn't eating much or getting much rest. We argue about it daily. I think he is so fortunate that the cancer was found early, that we have insurance to cover the cost, that he has a job, and is otherwise in pretty good health. I do love him so much and he has a daughter and grandchildren who love him dearly. He doesn't have a close relationship with his other children or mother or sister and I know that bothers him. He is blessed by many things but he sees none of them.
    I think back to when my Mom and first husband were fighting their battle with cancer. I know I can not compare his battle with theirs but I try to remember the things that I learned. I learned that each battle was a private path. My first husband was agry that his body had betrayed him. It took him a bit to resolve that but were able to talk and cry it out together. He fought his hardest to survive to the next Christmas for his grand kids. They were his focal point. When the Docs said nothing more could be done, he told us enough. I held him in arms and when he passed, the church bells across the street began to ring. I told Mom that it was announcing that he was safe and at peace in heaven. I was at peace too. My Mom although 84 fought for my brothers and I. The chemo and radiation was just too hard on her. She went from a vibrate and active woman to being bedridden and in constant pain. She called me one day and said "enough, come home now". She passed a week later after visiting with my brother and I and recalling lots of good memories. After my brother left for the night, as I was fixing my bed by her bedside, her breathing changed and I knew. I held her and she opened her eyes. She looked very surprised and I held her and told her that Dad was waiting for her in heaven. Go to him, it is okay. She closed her eyes and was at peace.
    I pray that the chemo works and that we have many more years together but I am afraid that our life will never be a happy one again. I know I must be the strong one, the positive one, the one who keeps everything going during his fight but I want him to try to be positive and give me a shoulder sometimes. Is this wrong? Am I just being selfish? Do I just have to accept that he will follow his path through this his way and if it leads away from me that it is his path. If away from me means he regains his health then I want him to choose that path. Am I hurting more than helping?

  • DEB_INDY's Avatar

    DEB_INDY shared an experience

    Decision Point: He finally met with his oncologist 5 weeks post op. He agreed with the surgeon that they had taken all of the tumor. No cancer in lymph nodes or surrounding tissue but he thought chemo was the next step. I was always afraid he would say no but he said yes. He told me it was 4 weekly treatments. That sounded wrong to me but he got angry when I had questions. I went with him today to talk to surgeon about getting his chemo port. I told him that I was going and he agreed. Hopefully it will be done this Friday. We stopped by oncologist and there he was told the chemo was to be given 3 weeks apart. He was angry I could tell and he said so after we left the office.

  • DEB_INDY's Avatar

    DEB_INDY shared an experience

    Oh No (Diagnosed): He went for a simple physical. They found a nodule. All the Docs thought it was probably scar tissue from a earlier injury. But when I saw the surgeon after surgery, I could tell from his face. Lung Cancer. I wanted to run away. NO NO NO!!!!!! Not again. My Mom passed in 2010 from lung cancer and my first husband in 2006 from bladder cancer. I was now married to my high school sweetheart after 33 years apart and cancer came to haunt me again. My mind raced back to all the past times and I just couldn't think anymore. I knew I had to be strong for him but it was terrifying to think of once again going down that road of treatments and fear. But also I knew that this time I would be very much alone. While we love each other very much, we were always very different. I need to talk and he won't share his feelings. I need physical nurturing, just a hug or kiss but it is not in his nature especially when he is stressed or worried. I realize this probably sounds weak on my part. Is it wrong to need that reassurance? Is it selfish? Post surgery was rough but he came home after 9 days. I did very little right in his eyes. When I asked questions, he blew me off. He went to Dr appointments alone because that is what he wanted. He gave short versions of what the Dr said and some things just didn't make sense to me. But when ever I would ask questions he just became so angry. I just cried and tried to keep to myself

    1 Comment
    • DaveWaz's Avatar
      DaveWaz

      Deb, you are neither weak nor wrong nor selfish. This is happening to you, too. And it breaks my heart that this is your 3rd round of having to deal with cancer of a loved one. You might want to ask a question about this on our Questions page. Perhaps something like, "How to deal with a husband/patient who shuts you out?" I bet you'll get a bunch of responses. But perhaps your husband is trying to come to terms with his diagnosis. Maybe he's concerned about having you go through it again. See what others have to say, because your are not alone. We are here for you.

      over 4 years ago