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    Loss (Lost loved one): My father passed away a few weeks ago after 5 days in ICU. He was sent home on hospice and lasted 2 days at home before he passed away. He was surrounded by family, prayer, and lots of love.

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    My father went into the hospital at the end of March. He was feeling quite ill from the radiation treatment and could no longer walk. The following morning he was sent to ICU because he was having difficulty breathing. Over the next few days he got much worse. By day 3 in ICU he was saying 'god help me' quite often and I was right there by his side trying to comfort him by holding his hand and talking to him. The last words he said while concious to me and my sister I will never forget. He looked at her and then looked over at me with a huge smile that was full of love and said 'you girls are beautiful'. We then both hugged him and I walked away from the bed and silently cried. I never wanted him to see me upset. I always wanted him to see me strong and being positive. That afternoon he slipped into semi-concious state and remained that way. He was sedated and that may have made it more difficult for him to communicate with us. I wanted to talk to him but knew that the meds were making him more comfortable. By day 4 he had a fever of 104 and was lethargic. He would squeeze my hand when I asked him questions but he did not speak. He lost his ability to swallow and dr tried feeding tube and at that point blood was in his stomach so he could no longer take nourishment. Dr told us the end was near. My dad fought so hard for so long and he told me that he did it for me and my sister. His 'little girls'. Day 4 nighttime he began having seizures. That was so horrible for me to watch. I was being torn up inside to see him suffer like that. I was so angry and so, I can't even find the words to describe. I was devastated. The next morning they told us he was going home on hospice and they had no idea how much longer he would live. Well I rode home with him in the ambulance knowing that he was close to death and that was the worst trip ever. I held his hand the whole way home. We got him home and set up a make-shift hospital room in our living room. He fought for two more days and then lost his fight. During those two days we talked to him, held his hand, played music for him, told him stories, relatives came to see him and he would have little bits of 'conciousness', or at least it seemed, where his eyebrows would raise, or he would grunt, or eyes would open briefly. When he passed I held his hand and our little dog was right there on the bed next to him. The whole experience has changed who I am forever. I miss him so much! I know he is not suffering anymore and is in a better place but I still miss him. I spent the last 6 months taking care of him full time and being with him 24/7. The past few weeks have been a combination of grieving, being angry, feeling lost, and basically not knowing what to do with myself. I am looking for work since the employer I had tells me now that they may not have a position for me in the near future. I have 20+ years experience and two college degrees and now I am faced with the stress of no job and financial ruin. I pray every day all of the time for the Lord to give me guidance and help me through one of the roughest times in my life. To all people with cancer out there, don't give up! Stay strong! Spend quality time with those you love. Express your love and don't hold back for we don't know how much time we have. For family and caretakers, express your love often, video tape them on your iphones, when they crave some weird food, get it for them! Pamper them and spoil them! I am so happy I got to do those things with my dad and expressed love often. We spent great quality time together doing whatever, from watching Jerry Springer and baby mama drama battles (we laughed and laughed) to watching Borat and The Nutty Professor. I miss my daddy and know that one day we will be together again.

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    Radiation (External radiation ): My dad had his 3 round of radiation therapy this morning. His forehead is now starting to burn and feel hot. He is very extremely fatigued and his breathing seems more labored. I am scared for him and worry every minute of each day. I live with my father and I am his caretaker at this moment. It breaks my heart to see him suffering.

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    Oh No (Cancer has spread/Metastasized): As of two weeks ago another road block, the cancer has spread to my father's brain. He was having double vision, slurry slightly and having trouble walking. CT scan at ER revealed multiple tumors in his brain. His doctors at no point in time ever, ever ordered at CT scan of his brain. He had 6 rounds of chemo between June and December of 2011 and not once did the doctors ever check his head! WHY NOT!!!!! Chemo does NOT AFFECT the brain at all due to the blood/brain "barrier". I did not know that until the doctor at the hospital right after ER visit 2 weeks ago told me that. Why the heck didn't the keep a close watch on his brain????!! The bladder cancer had already spread to his lung, so why not check his brain! Why why why not!

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    Side Effects (Anemia (low red blood cell counts)): Severe fatigue from the chemotherapy, hair thinned quite a bit although my dad didn't lose all of his hair. Severe heartburn, nausea, depression, and plain feeling very sick. Chemotherapy seems like a major inconveniece and makes him very sick.

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    Procedure or Surgery (Surgery): Several bladder procedures and ultimately doctors wanted to remove the entire bladder, but by then it was too late. Cancer has already spread to the lung, and about a year later, spread to the brain (found out 2 weeks ago, February 2012).