I am so sorry to hear this. Do you feel you are strong enough to move on yet, or do you even want to? I thought I was hearing "change, change, change" on the wind, but I have been known to be wrong.
Sounds to me like you have an inactive participant to an activity that generally requires two people. Then, when there is only one left, the third and most lethal one wakes up, and that is the garbage that is stored between the ears of almost everyone on the planet, "What if, Why", and all that. Does your husband even speak when spoken to, by you I mean. This sounds too bizarre. You would do yourself a big favor to remember that the Good Lord does not create Trash, Man does. I am just blathering on here, trying to say something but I am tired and medicated and newly diagnosed, so therefore tell yourself that Dana, the one with the weird email, was really just saying that she felt for you, that she cared (s) and if you would like to strike up an email relationship she could use support too, and admires you for your extremely LOOOONG time in isolation and the courage you show reaching out. My email is [email redacted]. To the moderators and other people who work hard to keep this such a wonderful forum, if I broke a rule by giving my email, please tell me and I won't do it again. I will say that ahem, something about, um, selfish, inwardly focused men, I always wonder how they function on the planet just doing daily things, especially ones who have seemed to have lost the creators of testosterone...Oh my gosh, I mean seriously, that must have slipped my mind :).
Joejo, please write me back...you need not go through this bs alone!!!