My condolences on the loss of your mom. I remember what you described she was going through.
My Goodwill
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Lucia shared an experience
Milestones: So it's been a while & I applaud those that can get on here often to share their experiences. It's been a month or so since we were given option between going home w/ hospice or clinical trial. My mom made the decision for clinical trial which was done 2wks ago, a very aggressive direct target to the liver which has not responded to chemo. I think she did it just for my sister & I. A week ago, in the hospital, we were advised that nothing further can be done as liver function has decreased & further treatment can accelerate cancer. So we are now on home hospice which has been another ordeal, docs said my mom has a matter of weeks & I've known it for about a year. Now just trying to take care of her as best as possible. I cannot believe provider's services have not been approved since December & agency for aging stated that if we had to go back to work, to go & leave my mother alone, as terminally ill patients don't eat. I wanted to kill someone... You wouldn't leave a child who can't fend for themselves & is aware alone w/out feeding much less an adult. Then decisions on DNR & machines, I've learned a lot in the past couple of weeks. I don't want to have to make that decision for my parent. I have peace which to me it's of utmost importance, i know we have fought a good fight & the Lord will do His will in our lives. I pray for all of you, patients & caregivers for God's strength as you travel this journey.
4 Comments-
Beeps
over 5 years agoMy goodness- I'm so sorry that you are experiencing such difficulties! I looked back at earlier posts and read about you job, etc... I know your help and love are absolutely priceless for your mom. Both of my parents died about ten yrs ago, only a few months apart. I went to the wall for them, as it sounds like you are doing. It's really tough, but totally worth it....not just for her benefit- but also yours. When her time comes and she is no longer of this world.... You will find peace in knowing that you did everything that you were able to do! That also is priceless. When my parents time was reduced to days and hours, I encouraged them to go ahead and let go! "Permission giving"... Assuring that I was going to be ok, they had done a good job raising me...'well done'
Its not easy - I don't think it's supposed to be. Also, after months and months of caring for them, devoting all of my time to their needs... There was an emptiness that went beyond missing them. I used those first few weeks to reflect, rest, figure out my new schedule and priorities.
For me, it was comforting to do this alone and quietly. I love to work outside in our yard,,,, out I would go for hours and hours...planting flowers, pulling weeds, making things pretty... And then would sit back and enjoy that sort of instant reward of what had be accomplished....next day...same thing...
Prayers for you and your sister and your mom that when that transition time comes...it will be filled with mercy, grace, and love!
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Lucia shared an experience
Oh No (Work problems): So today I was asked (in a roundabout manner) to be demoted from my manager position. iT REALLLY bothered me bc I felt as my mother's illness was used as an excuse, along w/ hearsay from coworker's. Unfortunately, the criteria used is what is bugging me more than the fact i was asked to step down. and i dont want to feel that this is my mother's fault...grr! So battling a lil w/ that sentiment.
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Lucia posted an update
sOOOO...taking a parachute off of the roller coaster of the last 2-3wks...first we were told chemo working & last week told only working on pancreas (dont get me wrong, Im happy) BUT lesions on liver enlarging...GRRR! Then doc wanted to try experimental drug & insurance denied (annoyed) BUT today he changed up to Gemzar (something like that) & waiting until insurance approves hopefully within the next month... On the upside bc we've been on 3wk chemo break...she gained 2lbs & in better spirits, saw psychiatrist as well & helped her emotionally. And doc, says we will continue fighting! I REALLY enjoyed the 3 wks off. :)
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Lucia posted an update
Not a good night for me...(crying involved) we have the "what if" conversations & she always mentions that I she is most concern for me & me being on my own (by myself) & not strong, even weak. (sigh) As if i am a child & not a 33yr old woman...grrr! lol
I try to reassure but not getting through; counselor from support group said this is her projecting onto me & it just makes me sad. :(
