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    Is this real life?

    I hate those moments when I realize my mom is really dead.  Like, she's actually gone. Like, I'm really never going to see her again. Like, "Hey, remember when they put your mom's body in the ground and threw dirt on it? That's the last image of her you're ever going to see for the rest of your life." 
    She's not at home waiting to for you to take a break from college to come visit her. She's not eager to hear about how you did on your midterm. She's not even going to answer the phone when you're attempting to make Persian rice to give you verbal instructions as best as she can and say "Why didn't you watch me all these years?"

    Like, she's really gone. 

    My throat swells. My heart pounds. My mouth gets so dry. All of a sudden, I feel so small and the room feels so big and empty. 

    I can't even cry. I'm just in shock. 

    This can't be real life. 

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    misha41510 posted a blog post

    Is this Grief? Is this what it's supposed to feel like?

    When my mom first diagnosed with brain cancer in January 2011, I developed anxiety. I figured it was normal. I mean, my mom had stage four brain cancer after all. That's pretty anxiety-producing.
    Over the course of her cancer journey, the anxiety just got worse and worse. I knew my time with her was ticking away and I didn't want to waste it. I was away at school most of the time and it hurt to be away from her so much. I was anxious about whether I was making the right choices.
    When it became obvious that the end was near, I prepared myself for the grief. For the sadness and depression that I assumed I would feel. I thought that with her gone, I would be less anxious and more depressed.
    But that's not how it happened. I don't know if it's denial or what, but now a year after her death, the sadness hasn't sunk in. I get sad sometimes, and I cry. But I'm not stuck in a deep depression.
    Instead, I'm stuck with this terrible anxiety. I thought that after she died, I'd feel relieved of the stress. I thought that when a loved one if sick, you feel anxious. And when a loved one dies, you feel depressed. That's not how it's worked out. Instead, the anxiety decided to stay.
    But now, instead of having one thing, like my mom, to focus my anxiety on, it's just become the free-floating anxiety. I was not expecting this to happen at all. I thought I was as well prepared as I could be for grief, but I was definitely wrong.
    I know people say that grief is different for everybody, but I thought for sure that at least I would feel more depressed than anxious. But no.
    And sometimes I feel like the anxiety is preventing me from really grieving for my mom. Hey, maybe that's why my brain does it to me. As a defense mechanism. Whatever the reason, I wish it would go away.

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    misha41510 posted a blog post

    I Live-Tweeted My Mom's Death

    In January 2012, a year after my mom was diagnosed with brain cancer, I decided to start this blog and a twitter account to promote it. Little did I know that I would essentially be live-tweeting my mom's last 7 months. As you read through these tweets (please excuse the minor typos), you will experience the many different aspects of how my mom's terminal illness was affecting both me and my mom.
    I'm a college student whose mom has terminal Brain Cancer. Please check out my blog: http://t.co/nBzpU9KI — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) January 16, 2012

    It's been a year since my mom was diagnosed with Brain Cancer. How much time does she have left? http://t.co/lO0lt5b1 #WorldCancerDay — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) February 5, 2012
    Everytime I go home to visit my mom, it's so hard to say goodbye. I tear up almost everytime. #Cancer is a terrible thing. #ACureCantWait
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) February 8, 2012
    Just got a random text from my mom: "Hi Misha! I love you!" Love you too, Mommy ♥ #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) February 12, 2012
    I got news that my mom had her second seizure this morning. This one was very minor compared to the first, thank goodness. #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) February 17, 2012
    After the seizure this morning, my mom's doing well. Thanks for support @andynaranjo @alexajarvis @heatherwgaona #btsm pic.twitter.com/3RjtNP5H
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) February 18, 2012
    I just learned that my mom is having an MRI on Monday to see if the @Tocagen clincal trial has worked. Please pray that it has! #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) February 24, 2012
    My sister called me 3 hours ago and told me that my dad took my mom to @ucsf ER #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) February 26, 2012
    Since last night, my mom has had trouble walking and talking. She also threw up twice and fell once. So they went to the ER. #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) February 26, 2012
    My dad said they've been running tests on my mom for 3 huors and it would take about 6 hours before we know anything. #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) February 26, 2012
    I hate spending the afternoon crying. Gives me such a headache!
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) February 26, 2012
    I'm so tired from all the crying today. But I have to stay awake. My dad's supposed to call me after they get the test results back.
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) February 26, 2012
    The wait is killing me. I hate imagining my mom in the hospital.
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) February 26, 2012
    Just got a call from my parents! The doctors aren't sure what exactly is causing the problems. Might be swelling or fluids. #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) February 26, 2012
    My mom is going to spend a few days in the hospital. She still has her MRI sheduled for Monday. #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) February 26, 2012
    She was well enough to speak, and she kept complaining about how the doctors have no respect for privacy: "Privacy is a huge problem here."
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) February 26, 2012
    Visited my mom at the hospital today. She's doing MUCH better! Her left arm only trembles slightly and her mind still isn't perfect. #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) February 27, 2012
    But she can walk and talk just fine! And her sense of humor is definitely back! Thank you to the doctors and nurses at @UCSF for everything!
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) February 27, 2012
    She had an MRI today, but no report from the oncologist yet. I'm keeping my fingers crossed! #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) February 27, 2012
    Got the results from the MRI. My mom's tumor is spreading in several directions from the right frontal lobe. #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) February 27, 2012
    The oncologist wants to take my mom off the @Tocagen trial because the tumor's growing. But my dad thinks she should stay on it. #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) February 27, 2012
    I'm not sure if surgery is an option. They have another appointment with the oncologist tonight to talk about treatments options. #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) February 27, 2012
    Got a text from my mom. I guess her hand won't stop shaking. #btsm --- ('7 I am ddi happy! So Hsppyb I tori ed in Nazz's seems:::(:;)!
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) February 27, 2012
    The @ucsf Neurooncology Board will be reviewing my mom's case on Thursday. So no options about treatments until then. #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) February 28, 2012
    The @UCSFCancer BT Board will be looking at my mom's case tomorrow. Hoping for a better reaction than what we got from @UCLAJCCC! #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) March 1, 2012
    I love getting sweet texts from my mom: "boos, boos, boos, love you, love you, love you" ("boos" means "kiss" in Farsi) #BTSM
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) March 4, 2012
    One voicemail from my aunt and I'm a crying mess. Anything sets me off lately. And all she wanted was my address to send me a birthday card!
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) March 11, 2012
    Okay. Done crying. Back to studying.
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) March 11, 2012
    I got this book for my birthday, and I love it! So excited to read through the whole thing! #btsm pic.twitter.com/O5MkoJT4
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) March 20, 2012
    Today, my mom looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, "There's always a chair in my heart and you're sitting in it." #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) March 26, 2012
    Today is my mom's birthday! I've made her this scarf for her birthday. I hope she likes it! #btsm pic.twitter.com/Z85WQ2WP
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) March 28, 2012
    Just called my mom's phone. Listened to her answering machine. Then I remembered that she can't talk that clearly or sharply anymore. #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) April 1, 2012
    Decided to cut my Economics class to surprise my mom at home. I got home just as she was starting her nap. #Btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) April 3, 2012
    I'm starving but I don't want to leave my mom's side. #btsm #CancerDaughterProblems
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) April 3, 2012
    And she's awake!!! #winning #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) April 3, 2012
    My mom sent me this text the other day about my haircut: "Youe hircu rlooks besuirul mish, you shoul dbe pou!" #btsm #braintumorthursday
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) April 5, 2012
    It breaks my heart to see her have such difficulty typing. #btsm #braintumorthursday
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) April 5, 2012
    I dream about my mom every night. In my dreams, she's active and happy. Like how she was back in July or so... But then I wake up. #BTSM
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) April 6, 2012
    "Okay Mommy. Here's your bowl of soup." "I don't want the bowl. Just the soup." #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) April 11, 2012
    Spent the evening at home with my mom. She looks much better than when I saw her on Sunday. #hope #btsm http://t.co/RETfh1yv
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) April 11, 2012
    She's not doing well physically, but her mind was quite sharp tonight. Sharpest I've seen her in a long time. #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) April 11, 2012
    My mom's MRI is on Monday to see if the Avastin is working. #BrainTumorThursday #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) April 12, 2012
    Text from Mom: "I love you& miss youn to. Loet me know when I can see youagain ." Her typing is so much better! #BrainTumorThursday
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) April 12, 2012
    I'm going to thank Avastin for her improved typing skills. Hopefully it's a good predictor for her MRI on Monday. #BrainTumorThursday #Hope
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) April 12, 2012
    Today my mom doesn't need her wheelchair! She's walking around with her walker! #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) April 13, 2012
    My mom on her 52nd birthday last month. She wouldn't wait until after the Happy Birthday song to eat her cake! #BTSM pic.twitter.com/O4b0phnR
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) April 14, 2012

    #ThatDepressingMoment when I look at photos of my mom then (2009) and now #btsm But she's still beautiful ♥ pic.twitter.com/DmlarZHV
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) April 15, 2012
    Happy Sunday! #btsm http://t.co/2iBeCMiu
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) April 15, 2012
    My mom's MRI is today! Please send positive vibes. We're hoping the Avastin has been working. #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) April 16, 2012
    My mom just called me to tell me the results of today's MRI: the tumors are shrinking!!!!!!!!!!! #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) April 17, 2012
    I've never been so happy in my entire life!!!!!!! #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) April 17, 2012
    I now know what it feels like to sob tears of happiness. #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) April 17, 2012
    Can't. Stop. Smiling. #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) April 17, 2012
    I just want to tell the world that Avastin is truly amazing. #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) April 17, 2012
    My mom asked me to paint her nails. I haven't done that in about 10 years, but it turned out pretty good! #btsm pic.twitter.com/SDUZCWak
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) April 22, 2012
    My mom's sense of humor seems to be doing better! But now she makes her jokes in her native Farsi, so I don't usually understand them. #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) April 22, 2012
    Mom woke up this morning irritated that she couldn't get herself out of bed. Dad said: "I'm grateful for each morning you wake up." #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) April 22, 2012
    Made my mom a friendship bracelet during her nap today! Rainbow bracelet for Team Rainbow! http://t.co/xeerDbam #btsm pic.twitter.com/ZnyfinUS
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) April 23, 2012
    My mom had a good day today! She was a speed demon with her walker and even walked a bit by herself! #btsm pic.twitter.com/rhbOHfMr
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) April 23, 2012
    Until test results are back from today, no more Avastin. Which of course scares me because it's the only reason she's doing better. #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) April 23, 2012
    Told my mom that she was meeting with the neurosurgeon today, and she just stuck her fingers in her ears and yelled "lalalalalalala!" #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) April 23, 2012
    Doctors say my mom has too much fluid in her brain which is why her movement/balance haven't gotten better with the good MRI results. #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) April 24, 2012
    She's going to have surgery to remove the fluid. Only downside is that she has to be off Avastin for 4 weeks before the surgery. #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) April 24, 2012
    I'm worried her tumor will grow back in those 4 weeks... #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) April 24, 2012
    My mom's brain tumor is in her frontal lobe, that's the part that controls your personality and decision-making skills. #BrainTumorThursday
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) April 27, 2012
    Because of the location of her brain tumor, my mom almost seems like a different person now. I've watched her slip away #BrainTumorThursday
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) April 27, 2012
    Had a dream last night that I was planning my mom's funeral and I didn't know if she wanted to be buried or cremated or what. #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) April 27, 2012
    Probably a reminder for me to ask her what should would like. Probably good information to have. #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) April 27, 2012
    Maybe she'll to donate her body to science. Anything for scientists to learn more about this evil Gliosarcoma tumor. #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) April 27, 2012
    I cried this morning when I realized that I wouldn't be able to visit my mom today because I have too much homework. #IHateCollege
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) April 29, 2012
    Visited my mom! She looks even better than last week! Spent some time in the sun & made a "Happy Memories List"! #btsm pic.twitter.com/foBniirD
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) April 29, 2012
    She's going to the hospital tomorrow for a spinal tap to find out if she needs a shunt. She's not looking forward to it. #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) April 29, 2012
    Mom's been in the hopsital for 5 hours & they still haven't started her spinal tap. To say she's getting grumpy is an understatement. #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) April 30, 2012
    My mom had her spinal tap procedure on Monday. They're keeping her at the hospital until Thursday (the reason is unknown to me). #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 2, 2012
    I love my mom so much. I'm going to miss her so much. I don't want her to go anywhere. She's my mom! I love her! #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 3, 2012
    Sometimes I just can't control the tears. Glad I wasn't in public this time. #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 3, 2012
    My mom should be discharged from the hospital today! Five days at @ucsf for a stupid spinal tap. The shunt procedure is next Friday. #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 4, 2012
    My mom asked my to recite her a Persian nursery rhyme before her nap, but I couldn't remember any! Good thing my Grandma was here! #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 5, 2012
    My mom's shunt operation is at 6am tomorrow morning. And it looks like she'll be in the hospital for Mother's Day #btsm #braintumorthursday
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 10, 2012
    Mom is in port-op. She looks pretty good! She can't talk yet, too exhausted. But she seems pretty aware. Good eye contact. #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 11, 2012
    Well this is awkward. My dad left the room for a minute and the nurse starts asking me questions. Like her eating habits and such. #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 11, 2012
    Wish I knew the answers... This is uncomfortable. Nurse asked if mom's been doing better since the spinal tap. And I don't know... #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 11, 2012
    Probably a sign that I should spend more time with my mom. Once a week just doesn't cut it. So glad school ended yesterday. #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 11, 2012
    Shunt has been put in and looking good! She's rocking the asymmetrical haistyle! #btsm pic.twitter.com/xYpSFqR9
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 11, 2012
    Sitting in the surgical waiting room for my mom to be assigned a room for overnight And my dad is snoring way too loud. #embarrassing #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 11, 2012
    I always get nervous when the nurse comes to ask my mom to say her name and the year. So glad she got the answers right! #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 11, 2012
    Nurse: "Are you in pain?" Mom: (with difficulty) "...Yes" Nurse: "Would you like some medication?" Mom: "...No" #btsm #BraveMom
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 12, 2012
    It hurts to see other girls my age having a good time around town with their mom. I wish my mom could walk on her own. #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 12, 2012
    Sometimes I get sad when I realize that I can't have the normal college experience all my friends are having.
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 12, 2012
    Tomorrow is Mother's Day and I don't know if my mom will be in the hospital or not. #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 12, 2012
    When I think about what my mom has gone through in the past 18 months, it makes me wonder how many surgeries one brain can handle. #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 12, 2012
    Mom's still in the hospital . Hopefully getting discharged today. Happy Mother's Day #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 13, 2012
    My sister and I used to always make my mom breakfast in bed for Mother's Day. But the hospital's got that covered this year. #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 13, 2012
    I almost went home today to visit my mom. Good thing my dad called me to tell me she hadn't been discharged before I left! #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 15, 2012
    Mom transfered to @CPMCinSF today for 5 days of physical therapy. Hoping that with the shunt + PT, she'll be able to walk again! #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 15, 2012
    Enjoying lunch at @CPMCinSF. Had a great morning of physical therapy. Check out the incision from the shunt! #btsm pic.twitter.com/N8lBuLLe
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 15, 2012
    My mom just poured ice water in her glass of milk... #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 15, 2012
    Mom's having a good chuckle watching America's Funniest Home Videos. Love seeing her laugh! #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 15, 2012
    Spur of the moment MRI scheduled for my mom in 20 minutes! Hoping for good news! #btsm #BrainTumorThursday
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 17, 2012
    Mom's new treatment plan: USE EVERY CHEMO DRUG WE CAN GET OUR HANDS ON (@Tocagen, Avastin, & 2 other trial drugs) #btsm #BrainTumorThursday
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 17, 2012
    Male, Hispanic, and probably gay nurse came to take my mom's vitals. She says "Anyone ever told you you're cute?" He turned bright red #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 17, 2012
    Got to the @CPMCinSF Hospital to visit my mom and she wasn't there! Guess my parents are at @UCSFCancer discussing the MRI results. #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 22, 2012
    MRI showed tumor growth, as was expected. @Tocagen and other clinical trial drug start next week. Avastin in 3 weeks. #btsm #hope
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 22, 2012
    My mom: "Lately I've been dreaming about stuff from a long time ago. Like last night I dreamt about Mark Zuckerberg getting married." #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 23, 2012
    Getting my mom from the wheelchair to the bed takes 5 min & 2 nurses. Hope @CPMCinSF can teach her to walk again. #btsm #BrainTumorThursday
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 24, 2012
    I tell people mom has cancer. They ask how she's doing. I say not good. They ask if theres hope for remission. I say no. #BrainTumorThursday
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 24, 2012
    My mom's still at @CPMCinSF trying to learn how to walk again. Not going very well though. She still can't stand. #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 26, 2012
    I thought this shunt was suposed to help her movement! But I'm grateful her mind hasn't gotten any worse in several weeks. #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 26, 2012
    At the hospital with my mom. She's so excited I brought cherries. Only problem: she forgets to spit out the pits. #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 26, 2012
    My mom seems to have lost almost all of her movement in her left arm. Why is she not improving? #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 26, 2012
    At the hospital with my mom and dad. They're both asleep. #QualityTime #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 26, 2012
    My mom said she's tired of hospital food. Thinking I might just order a pizza to our hospital room... Can I do that? #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 26, 2012
    Dad went to pick up the clinical trial chemo drugs. But they won't give it to my mom until she has a pregnancy test! #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 27, 2012
    Seriously?! Trust me. There is no way my mom is pregnant. She's already gone through menopause! #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 27, 2012
    And now we have to wait until Tuesday for the chemo drugs! Stupid Memorial Day. #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 27, 2012
    Pizza guy came right to our hospital room! And #PrincessAndTheFrog is on TV! It's a good night here @CPMCinSF! #btsm pic.twitter.com/tHMLc6M0
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 27, 2012
    Nurse came into the room. My mom said, "I have a problem! I have to go to the hospital! I've had an erection for more than 4 hours!" #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 27, 2012
    Apparently my mom thinks that #PrincessAndTheFrog is a very stupid movie. She didn't think that when we watched it a few months ago! #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 27, 2012
    My mom's Happy Memory Journal seems to only include stories of my and my sister when we were very little. #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 27, 2012
    Mom (with a blank face): "Ow." The nurse: "I have poked you with the needle yet." #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 27, 2012
    Mom drew with pastels like she used to before the diagnosis! But her art looks a lot different now. #btsm #mphc pic.twitter.com/cXhR8zoM
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 28, 2012
    Goodness these nurses like to wake my mom up every 3 hours and poke her with needles! #btsm #mphc
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 28, 2012
    Mom's been in rehab 2 weeks. She got the shunt. Her motion was supposed to get better, not worse! We stopped Avastin for this? #btsm #mphc
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 28, 2012
    Watching my mom try to stand is so sad. Her left arm just hangs there. Is there hope that her arm can get better? #btsm #mphc
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 28, 2012
    Good news! My mom isn't pregnant! So she can start the CCNU chemo today! Hopefully we'll start the @Tocagen this week too. #btsm #mphc
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 29, 2012
    Absolutely terrified that we made the wrong decision to take my mom off Avastin for this shunt procedure. #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 31, 2012
    I didn't want to do it. My dad didn't want to do it. My mom didn't even want to do it. But all the doctors said it was a good idea. #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) May 31, 2012
    Looks like my mom & now my dad are starting to give up on physical therapy. She's not improving. My mom just wants to go home. #btsm #mphc
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) June 1, 2012
    I drew a picture of GG Bridge with pastel & Mom is fixing it with pen. Forever an architect! #btsm #mphc pic.twitter.com/fFxoYxoo
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) June 3, 2012
    Nurse came in to test my mom's blood sugar. She asked which finger my mom wanted to use. My mom gave her a fierce middle finger. #btsm #mphc
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) June 3, 2012
    Today is National Cancer Survivors Day. So jealous of all the tweets that say "Dear Cancer, my mom won." My mom's losing. #mphc #fuckcancer
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) June 4, 2012
    Dad invited me to a "big meeting with the staff" tomorrow at the physical therapy rehab to talk about "where we go from here." #btsm #mphc
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) June 5, 2012
    Mom was supposed to stay at rehab for another week. But looks like she might just go home because she's not improving.
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) June 5, 2012
    Found this picture of my mom from just 2 years ago. pic.twitter.com/bo2iTT0A
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) June 5, 2012
    My mom decides to tell me her dying wish for me and she says it in Farsi! Damn I wish I worked harder in Farsi class when I was a kid! #mphc
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) June 5, 2012
    Update on my mom: Doctors have decided acute rehab has not been working. She will go home on Monday and therapists will come to her. #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) June 6, 2012
    Avastin will begin on Friday or Tuesday. (Yay!) And doctors say she's not ready for Hospice care (Yay! again!) #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) June 6, 2012
    My mom added fireworks to the picture! #mphc #btsm pic.twitter.com/7xcP1Pu4
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) June 6, 2012
    Mom has started saying things like "My time is limited" & "I don't think I'll be here much longer". How do I make her have hope? #btsm #mphc
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) June 7, 2012
    Dad just called. Said that Mom has gotten worse since I saw her on Tues. Avastin starts on Monday, but if that doesn't work... #btsm #mphc
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) June 8, 2012
    She's going home Monday. Dad got her a hospital bed & portable sling. I still can't believe my mom can't even stand on her own. #btsm #mphc
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) June 8, 2012
    My mom has lost movement of her left arm and leg, and now she's convinced that it's spreading to her right side. She's terrified. #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) June 8, 2012
    The acupuncturist speaks some Farsi! Nothing makes her more excited than speaking Farsi with the nurses and doctors!
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) June 8, 2012
    I brought the kids game Guess Who to play with my mom. She remembers the rules, but it's too complicated for her to play now. #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) June 8, 2012
    She remembers when i was little it was too complicated for me and how she tried to explain the concept of "process of elimination". #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) June 8, 2012
    She remembers all that, but she still can't play the game right. #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) June 8, 2012
    My mom signed up for @lumosity to help stimulate her brain. Amazing to watch which games she's good at and which she struggles with. #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) June 10, 2012
    She's good with arithmetic & memory (not controlled by right frontal lobe). But she has trouble with quick decision-making. @lumosity #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) June 10, 2012
    Mom told Dr she's been dying for Chinese food. He wrote her prescription for pork fried rice & pot stickers! #btsm pic.twitter.com/247n7U13
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) June 10, 2012
    Mom is losing motion on left side of her mouth. She keeps biting her lip when she eats. Makes her lip bleed. Don't know how to help. #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) June 10, 2012
    How can I explain to my mom that 12:30pm is earlier in the day than 9:30pm? Why is she having trouble with that? #cancersucks #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) June 10, 2012
    My aunt's knitting club will knit hats for cancer patients. My aunt asked Mom where she wanted the hats donated. "Guide Dogs For The Blind!"
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) June 11, 2012
    Loving the fresh air on a warm SF evening! Last night at @CPMCinSF! Going home tomorrow! #btsm pic.twitter.com/3CcohB5c
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) June 11, 2012
    Today's a big day for my mom. Starts the morning with physical, occupational, recreational, and speech therapies at @CPMCinSF. #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) June 11, 2012
    Then off to @UCSF to start Avastin!! So excited to be back on Avastin! Then back to @CPMCinSF to fill out discharge papers. Then home! #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) June 11, 2012
    I'm starting a project! It's a surprise present for my mom! I'm compiling happy stories from her friends & family into a book for her! #mphc
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) June 11, 2012
    Mom is happy to be home! Only problem is that the wheelchair they gave her doesn't fit through her bedroom door. #mphc
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) June 12, 2012
    I hate anyone saying "Freshman year of college has been best year of my life!" Mine sucked. Fuck you Brain Cancer. #BrainTumorThursday #mphc
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) June 14, 2012
    Wanted to visit my mom today, but my car just started acting weird. Mechanic says he isn't free until Tuesday. Not sure what to do! #mphc
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) June 15, 2012
    Mom laying in new hospital bed with her wedding picture above. Parents got married in '83. Hence the perm. #btsm #mphc http://t.co/LRYfsGYz
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) June 17, 2012
    Mom is a pro at eating corn with one hand now! She can't use her left hand. #btsm http://t.co/g2zI5lwh
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) June 17, 2012
    I can't believe my mom's dying... #mphc #btsm
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) June 18, 2012
    Upset with @MillsCollege for giving me less financial aid this year because they've determined I have less financial need. Seriously!? #mphc
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) June 18, 2012
    Mom called me tonight to say goodnight. Put a big smile on my face. I saw her two days ago and I miss her so much! #btsm #mphc
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) June 20, 2012
    Working on my mom's surprise present. Her friends are sending some great old pictures! http://t.co/ewcA64jc #btsm pic.twitter.com/b9IkXTXW
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) June 20, 2012
    Had a dream last night that my mom was on her deathbed and I didn't finish her present in time for her to see it. #btsm #mphc
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer) June 21, 2012
    Brain Cancer is killing my mom. She needs a cure. #BrainTumorThursday
    — ComingHomeToCancer (@CHTCancer)

  • misha41510's Avatar

    misha41510 posted a blog post

    Still Waiting for the Grief

    Today, my dad sent me of picture of my mom's finished gravestone (it only took nine months to finish it!) and it's made me miss her a lot.



    I mean, I miss her everyday, but some days are harder than others.
    I grateful though, I haven't gone through a difficult grief process. Most of the time I don't really think about it. I mean, I think about my mom all the time. And I think about how she's not here any more. But what I don't think about it the sense of loss. That's the tough stuff. And I guess I'm avoiding it.
    Maybe it was because I thought about it so much while she was sick. Everyday I said to myself, "My mom's going to die pretty soon. I need to be prepared."
    And then after she died, I expected to feel deep sadness. I even pretended to be deeply saddened because I knew it was expected of me, but I didn't feel sad. I don't know. I mean, of course I felt sad. I wasn't happy that my mom died. But mostly I just felt numb.
    But I'm not in denial, so that can't be it. I know she's dead. And I knew she was going to die for awhile before it happened. But it's been nine months since she died and I still can't get past this numb feeling.
    But I guess this numbness didn't start when she died, it started when she was diagnosed. That's when my life didn't feel like my life anymore. So I guess this whole experience has felt like a dream and I just keep waiting to wake up. I'll wake up in bed in my old room and my mom will be in her bedroom and I'll say good morning to her and things would be normal again.
    But that's not reality anymore. That was three years ago for goodness sakes! And yet, the reality I've been living for the past three years still doesn't feel real. Every day feels like a dream.
    When will the grief set in? I've spent hours researching grief. I even wrote a research paper on grief in college students. And yet I'm still waiting. Waiting for my life to feel real again.

  • misha41510's Avatar

    misha41510 posted a blog post

    The Artwork Survives

    Just thought I'd share some of my mom's artwork from over the years. She'd always been an artist and grew up to be an architect. The brain cancer really affected her artistic ability.
    Pre-cancer:




    "My ugly shoe on the BART train"










    Post-diagnosis (roughly chronological):




    I drew the bridge, and she embellished.


    A portrait of my aunt. Portrait of my sister. A portrait of me! Not really, artwork. Just an exercise I was trying to get her to do. She was unsuccessful. Me, Halloween 1995 :)



    We worked on symmetry exercises. More symmetry exercises.








    The last art piece she drew. Drawn on the night before she fell into the coma.