• Missvampyr's Avatar

    Missvampyr shared an experience

    Procedure or Surgery (Mastectomy): I am now coming upon the 7 month mark of my masectomy on Dec. 31st. I am still here, got a scare when I found something in my chest and went to the drs and was told its just a joint. I had no idea we have joints in our chest but apparently we do and they can get inflamed or even arthritis but in my case its just more pronounced. My daily life revolves around just trying to stay awake most of the time. I was blessed that even though I was diagnosed with an aggressive triple neg. breast cancer and the lump was the size of a golf ball the cancer hadn't spread to my nodes. I made sure to see my card. before my surgery (my own choice, not required) and I asked about damage to my heart should I need chemo. I wanted to know everything up front before my surgery so that I had no surprises. After my surgery and I saw my onc. he had told me something I already knew. I couldn't get radiation because you can't do it to the same area twice an this is my 2nd battle with breast cancer only the first time it wasn't triple neg. it was INSITU so partial masectomy and 8 wks of radiation was what was done in addition to taking me off my BC pills which after being on them for 18 yrs was a cruel joke in and of itself. This time around the onc. had wanted me to do chemo but after I found out what the odds of reoccurrance were both with and without chemo I chose to not have the chemo because there was only a 5% difference in the reoccurance but a much higher risk to my heart. I try really hard to not let on to anyone just how I am actually feeling. I hide my feelings and myself from everyone most of the time. I can't stand the way I look anymore, the hideous scar that now sits where I once had a breast really bothers me and reconstruction isn't and option for me and even if it was I absolutely HATE NEEDLES, drs, hospitals and all that. My one sister doesn't want to call me on the phone cause she is afraid she will burst into tears and my baby sister feels bad that her and her family are so far away from me. My dog gives me so much comfort and he knows when I am really down cause at those times he just lays right by the sofa near me and every so often will give me kisses. I am getting bills that the insurance didn't cover and now I am trying to make payment arrangements with those ppl its just so frustrating to say the least. I just don't see my life ever being even close to my normal old life anymore. The scars are horrible, they totally changed the way I have to dress. I use to be able to just go to the closet pull out a sweater or shirt and not think about it. My heart scar never bothered me but this awful, hideous scar that replaces a breast is totally different. I need to make sure that nothing is low enough that you can see even a hint of the scar and lets not forget the needing to wear a fake boob just to look normal again. Its all just taking a huge toll on me and my life at times. Staying in the house all the time would be the ideal solution but since I have a dog he needs to be walked and I know he is a blessing cause he forces me outside. Thankfully right now at least its winter so I can hide behind big, bulky sweaters and coats but soon enough all that goes away and I am back to having to deal with the new ugly reality of what I look like and it isn't something that I am looking forward to. I still want to rip ppls throats out at times when they say to me "well honey at least your alive" cause I want to scream at them how would you deal if you lost a body part? This is my life now and for better or for worse I am learning to live it but its far from easy thats for sure.

    2 Comments
    • kkblack's Avatar
      kkblack

      as I read your post , I just want to reach out and hug you ...1st thing maam you need is to look at yourself and say I am beautiful! just do it! another thing you can do is look at that scar ,get mad at it, but you need to smile because you are a survivor who has the power to inspire ! I have that scar, and I too think about the coming months even 3yrs from now, I get a lil scared , what if i lose my insurance? what if i get cancer again? omg all the what if's, i say XXX it , im here and I am going to live and be happy, but I am silly fun like that! we are given only 1 life you've got to live girl...maybe get a gorgeous tattoo something to look at besides a scar , ? just an idea :):) take care of you ~huggs~

      over 5 years ago
    • LeslieR's Avatar
      LeslieR

      I could have written this post myself 2 years ago! This brings back old feelings for me. I am tearing up as I read this. I remember I wouldn't look down at myself when I took a shower bcz it reminded me of what cancer had taken from me and I was so angry. My clothes didn't fit right and my coworkers would always tell me to readjust my shirt in the front bcz it kept hanging down. I couldn't afford to go out and buy all new tops to accommidate my new figure. What I really want to say to you, my dear, is that even though you feel like this right now, the pain of this terrible thing will lessen over time. It's such a shock to the system and I know that no amount of words that others write to you can make your pain diminish. It's going to have to come from within you to overcome this. Please consider joining a group of bc survivors in your area. Just go to one meeting and see how you feel afterwards. Bless you, a heartfelt hug from someone who knows your pain.

      over 5 years ago
  • Missvampyr's Avatar

    Missvampyr wrote on lilymadeline's wall

    Merry Christmas Lilymadeline :) I just read your post and for me to actually go online and check is a big deal lol. I agree with you about how great dogs are. My dog is my lifeline to the great outdoors cause he needs to be walked every single day several times a day. I had tried the lyrica as well as other meds in that field and my body just has horrible reactions to them :( I get so wired and keyed up that one time when I went to my ladies craft night I was so wired my friends were ready to hang me with the beautiful quilts they were making. I locked myself in the ladies room and just cried I was so upset and keyed up. My dr had found that for me those meds don't work at all. I do have thyroid problems as in it doesn't work so I take meds and after the new year I have appts with both my endo and onc. so I will see if maybe it needs to be upped. Like I said once before I am not doing radiation ( I had it 13 yrs ago same breast cancer the first time) it wasn't and option for me this time around with the triple neg. cancer. I chose not to do chemo because of the damage to my heart that I just couldn't risk. I'm trying to have my life even though I am so tired. Yesterday the small 3 ft prelit tree that I ordered had arrived so I was able to get a small tree up for Christmas and do some very limited decorating, basically just putting out the stockings for myself, the dog, cat and 2 birds. The tree only got like 4 ornaments but they are the ones important to me so at least it feels like Christmas now. I am going to try and muster some energy to do some baking either today or tomorrow. I love to bake cause for me its very relaxing and stress free. I wish you and your family a very Merry Christmas and a Happy Healthy Cancer Free New Year.

    1 Comment
    • lilymadeline's Avatar
      lilymadeline

      Merry Christmas to you too!!! Your tree sounds great by the way, I gave up putting up a tree years ago because I have an obsessive cat!!! She loves to climb and she loves to knock down ornaments even more! But our fur babies are the best, aren't they? They keep us going and always keep us in the moment. And by the way, so sorry that the Lyrica didn't work for you, I am sensitive to medications as well I just got very lucky with that one because it has worked without any SE which is amazing because I usually get tons of SE. Oh well! But it wouldn't be good if you were hanged by a quilt, definitely Lyrica can have some awful side effects. And I have had heart problems myself now because of all the chemo, so I worry about that as well but I am lucky because so far I have been tolerating it. They just put me on steroids to help with the fatigue, have you tried that yet? The steroids got me through a great Christmas party last night, but they can have awful SE as well.....I guess we're stuck with SE! ugh! But the endo will figure out if it is your thyroid, hopefully they can help you soon with the awful fatigue! Take care and god bless! xoxoxoxo

      over 5 years ago
  • Missvampyr's Avatar

    Missvampyr wrote on DebbiD's wall

    Hi DebbiD,

    First off I am sorry to read that your enduring so much and have had to go thru so much. I had radiation (8wks) 13 yrs ago the first time I had breast cancer. Now this time it was a different cancer aggressive triple neg. so since I had radiation once before that wasn't and option for me and I refused the chemo route because for me the risks outweighed the benefits. Let me explain that one here, 40 yrs ago when I was 11 yrs old I had open heart surgery to partially repair T.O.F. (tetrology of Fallot) so I still have valves that leak so I will at some point in time have to make the decision about a 2nd open heart surgery. The drugs used for chemo cause neuropathy which I have due to type 1 diabetes and they also cause damage to the heart in cases so for me it just wasn't worth risking. I live with several life threatening diseases and take lots of meds just to stay alive. Before this bout with cancer I was pretty active and considering my health issues didn't tire as easily but since this diagnoses the exhaustion has just drained me. Like you I push myself to do things and pay for it later. I walk my dog 3x's a day for an hour at a time min. then come home and nap. Since I have to see both my endo and onc. just after the new year I will see if there is anything that can be done, maybe my thyroid meds need to be upped or something. I pray for you though, that you are able to get back some of your energy and that you have enough good energy to enjoy Christmas with your family and friends. Merry Christmas and a Happy Healthy New Year.

  • Missvampyr's Avatar

    Missvampyr wrote on Samcharlie's wall

    Hi Samcharlie,

    I see that back east has been getting some snow, do you dogs like it? My pup is actually 6 yrs old, he just turned 6 on Nov. 24th but he is my baby so I refer to him as a pup :) He is a chow chow and he is loving the snow but we can both do without the -50* that we had just last week here in Montana. My sister lives in N.J. and thinks I am nuts walking my furbaby when the temps are that low lol. I'm sure that once I see my drs next month one of them will be able to figure out the exhaustion issue for me. I do realize that since I have other health issues it makes it more challenging but hey whats life without challenge right? Well I wish you and your family a very Merry Christmas and a Cancer FREE New Year.

  • Missvampyr's Avatar

    Missvampyr shared an experience

    Oh No (Cancer is back/Recurred ): It has now been 7 months since my masectomy because of finding a golfball sized lump in my breast. It was a whirlwind of events for me because of this horrible diagnoses. I went from being a normal (sick person) person to being a cancer victim AGAIN. I was diagnosed and had surgery within 3 wks. When I had to tell my dad, sisters and friends the sounds of their voices told me the story without them saying it. My dad had offered to fly all 3 of my sisters and himself out to be with me the day of my surgery but I didn't want any of them there. For me the thought of my dad sitting outside and OR again waiting to hear about his daughter was more than I was able to bear. 40 yrs earlier my dad had to sit outside and OR waiting room for well over 18 hrs not knowing if when the drs came out would they tell him he lost his daughter or did she survive. I just couldn't do that to my dad again. I chose to bring my friend with me to the hospital and I also carried my 2 teddy bears with me which I clung to for dear life. The surgeon was really nice he told me that I could bring my teddy bears with me to the OR and when I got there I only had to move them to my other arm. When the tech moved my teddy bears I told him to make sure to turn them away cause they didn't need to see what was happening to me. My surgery only took about 1 1/2 and my friend called my dad as soon as she was told I was alright. My dad called me shortly after and he was so relieved that I was alright. His wife had told me that he refused to eat, drink or sleep until he heard from my friend that I was alright. I woke up still clutching my teddy bears just like I was in the OR and even though I am a grown woman, those teddy bears brought me comfort.

    2 Comments
    • Bamagirl's Avatar
      Bamagirl

      I am so glad you did well, but hate you had to go through that!!! Hugs and good thoughts your way.

      over 5 years ago
    • tam4givin's Avatar
      tam4givin

      Wow, I am glad that is over with for you and your family, and Teddy bears!

      over 5 years ago
  • Missvampyr's Avatar

    Missvampyr wrote on HeidiJo's wall

    Hi HeidiJo,

    Thanks for your post in response to my question. I didn't have chemo or radiation. This was my 2nd battle with cancer, the first time was back in 2000 and I had a partial masectomy followed by 8 wks of radiation. I was burnt to a crisp from the radiation but other than that pretty good. This time around same breast different type of cancer, still breast cancer but this time aggressive triple negative resulting in a total masectomy. I chose not to have chemo because for me the risk to my heart out weighed the risk of reoccurrance. I talked to both my card. and my onc. and made the decision that was the right one for me. I live with several life threatening diseases every day but cancer is the one that terrifies me. Thank you for your input and I wish you and your family a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS and a HAPPY HEALTHY NEW YEAR.