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  MsD81 shared an experience

  Oh No (Cancer has spread/Metastasized)

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  MsD81 started following

  Question: guilt??

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  almost 6 years ago
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  MsD81 asked a questionLung Cancer

  guilt??

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  almost 6 years ago

  8 answers

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    CAS1

    I sincerly think we are all on a journey when challeges face us in life. my sister and best friend was dx with advanced cancer in 2001. I closed down my business in order to have time to visit with her and support her emotionally..She was on the East coast and I am in the Midwest. I lost her in 2008. My Mother was dx' in Jan. 2010 and passed 4- 2010. Pulled my kids out of school and home schooled them so I could travel the 2 hours each way or stay over and be with my Mom.

    Durning 2012 my favorite Auntie was dx'd with ALS I tried to visit her every single week for a year until she passed. These were all some of the best decisions I have ever made. I spent some of the best time with all of my loved ones and I value that time and those memories more than anything.

    I think in this world nothing is more important than family. I think you should do everything possible to be near your Mother and help her. Character is about doing the right thing even when its hard.

    I don't know your Mom's stage or her health situation but she has a chance to survive this because she is young. And you are young so any changes you make in your life- changing jobs or location where you live is not so dramatic. What would your Mother do if this were you?

    I think you will be proud of yourself for taking this journey with your Mom and you will grow a great deal and the Universe seems to pay it forward. When one door seems to close many doors seem to open. don't be afraid to do the right thing because family, love and faith are the only things that matter and they are the things that endure.

    Once you know of her treatment plan sit down with all of your family members and make a plan on the help that she needs and how you can be there for her. The decisions you make now will be with you forever. Follow your heart, trust your character and do the right thing.

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    almost 6 years ago
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    GregP_WN

    I lost my Dad to Prostate cancer 3 years ago this month. A month later, Mom was diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer, no treatment. She lasted 10 months. We took care of both of them in hospice care. I know it's tough. As for going to see her or not, I can't tell you, it's your call, and I do understand the situation. My sister lives in western Nebraska and couldn't take off or afford to come back to see her every time she had an episode. She waited until I told her it was time, and she came back to see her. She came while mom was still in good shape and was able to have a great visit with her kids and ther rest of our family. As Redneck said, she was able to remember her in good spirits, laughing and enjoying the visit.

    I wish you luck in your Mom's journey, and whatever you do, it will be OK.

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    almost 6 years ago
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    Tracy

    First and foremost, You are a Wonderful Daughter and your mother knows it! You would not be as concerned if you were not. I am a mother who is about the same age, I know my daughter loves me and I would not expect or want my daughter to spend all of her time at my side. You have to be able to be strong and in order to do this you need to have a foot in the normal, cancer is not normal life.
    Now to help her: call her often, make her laugh, find funny cards to send her (I try to send cards to make a laugh a day), and keep her surrounded with pictures of things that will remind her of what she loves. You don't need to mother her, just reminder that you love her. She knows that you need to keep your life going.
    If you need to talk contact me, I am a good listener - take care, Tracy

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    almost 6 years ago
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  MsD81 asked a questionLung Cancer

  guilt??

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  almost 6 years ago

  9 answers

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    CherylS@StF

    Many of us have loved ones that live in other cities, states, countries, ect...Just because you cannot be there physically for your mother does not mean that you cannot be there in many other ways. Maintaining and job and a family is a part of everyones life and I am sure that your mother understands this more than you think. Here is a list of ways to let your mother know that while you maynot be able to be there every day that you are thinking of her many of those days. Call and speak with her on the phone. Call and have her not answer the phone and leave her a voicemail that she can listen to several times a day. If you have children have them call grandma and leave voicemails, that would be so uplifing for her. Send her a card or make her a card, email her, facebook her, have one of her neighbors or you siblings stop by and give her a meal from her favorite restaraunt or favorite candy or balloons, the possibilities are endless! You can request to be put on her physicians list of family members that can call and get her lastest test results and information so that you will be informed on her diagnosis and any updates that are taking place. Those are all small ways in which you can let your mother know how much you love her even though you are out of town. I am sure your mother know how very much you love her and that you are supporting her even when you are not with her.

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    almost 6 years ago
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    LuvinSis

    Do you qualify for FMLA? If so, can you take some days to be with her for crucial appointments or if she becomes very ill. You'll want to manage the time off carefully as she could need you intermittently over a longer period of time. So sometimes running to be with her before she's in need can limit the time when you really need it.

    When my sister was undergoing chemo she'd see a doctor when she arrived, get some basic blood drawn to be sure she could do chemo, and then did the chemo. My nephew went with her to these appointments so he could hear what she was hearing (so he truly knew what was going on and she wouldn't have to worry she'd forget to relay some information to him). He then had the opportunity to meet the doctor(s), ask questions, listen and even talk to the chemo nurses about how my sister was actually doing, any care suggestions, etc.

    Here's the government's official site on FMLA:

    http://www.dol.gov/whd/fmla/

    If your mother has some kind of cancer care coordinator assigned to her, and she's in agreement, perhaps she can sign an Authorization for Release of Information allowing you to call the care coordinator when needed. That way you can be up to date on how your mom is doing and what she may need. (You know how moms are, she may say "I'm fine" but the care coordinator may tell you that perhaps your mom could use some assistance at home on the weekend).

    Many patients don't want the entire family rallying around them 24/7, reminds them too much of t he fact they are facing quite the battle. So have an open line of communication with your mom (and any relatives or friends living near to her) so you know that your mom (or friends/family) will let you know when the crucial times for you to be with her are.

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    almost 6 years ago
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    Barbs

    My husband has advanced small cell lung cancer diagnosed 2 months ago and he is in treatment. We have 8 adult children between us (4 are his from a previous marriage, 4 are mine from a previous marriage). We only have one daughter who lives close enough to visit frequently and she is a tremendous help to me, driving us to appointments, running errands, helping with chores. The other seven have all offered to come -- even those who live in another country. We appreciate their love and prayers, but there is little they could actually do to help -- and, frankly, there would be an added burden with just the logistics of having them all here -- even in staggered visits. Yes, sometimes they express that they feel guilty for not being here -- and I try to let them know that we understand -- they call frequently -- sometimes my husband looks forward to their calls -- sometimes he tells me he just doesn't feel like talking to anyone. That's the roller-coaster of cancer. One daughter sent a lovely card -- my husband treasures it more than anything else. Several of our adult children keep in touch via Facebook and email. Another daughter whose husband is an attorney helped us with some documents we needed. Everyone does what they can --- and everyone can pray. My husband and I appreciate every phone call, every prayer, every help -- but the last thing we want is all our children descending on us -- we want him to live as well as possible, for as long as possible. Having our children hover around us would just be too sad. Do what is possible for your Mom and don't waste a moment feeling guilty about what you cannot do -- send a lovely card or flowers -- share a funny story -- find out what you can do from a distance to help her, if she needs help with insurance or on-going support when she leaves the hospital. You are a good daughter or you would not be as concerned as you are -- but don't let feelings of guilt contaminate the relationship you have with your mother -- she wouldn't want that, I am sure.

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    almost 6 years ago
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  MsD81 shared an experience

  Oh No

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  almost 6 years ago

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