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    Question: pain

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    Yorkleeann wrote on Moxie8's wall

    yorkleeann4321 @ hotmail . com

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    Yorkleeann wrote on Moxie8's wall

    Thank you for the kind words! In answer to your questions, I have worked in social services my whole adult life, and the addictions stuff definitely crosses into all aspects of that world, so I guess it's just innately part of my being now. The stuff I know is just enough to be dangerous, but it's all transferrable, and applicable in everyday life! June, I started a job in the "business" world. I must say I love it so far!

    Funny you should ask about the writing. My brand new boss asked the same thing and I have been entertaining the idea. I find it gives me pleasure and a creative outlet, really. Can't draw or paint worth a darn! Gotta do something!

    What are your interests? Outlets? My hiking buddies and I are planning a hiking expedition out west, 2016 or so. I may be asking for some tips about your neck of the woods!

    And, watch out with that boyfriend of yours! Before my husband got sick we used to fight about the XXX dog and my driving. He MUST be getting better, because he's back at that, too! LOL!

    2 Comments
    • Moxie8's Avatar
      Moxie8

      Hello Again,

      I have been on vacation, that's why you haven't heard from me. I hope your husband is continuing to improve. You asked about my interests, I love to hike, bike, run, and read. So 2016 you are planning a hiking trip. I would be happy to help, Colorado is beautiful and there are tons of places to hike. That's quite a ways away but if you want to start planning just ask away. Hope all is well with you and you are enjoying the summer. Leeann, thank you again for your support when I needed it most.

      Take care,
      Moxie8

      about 3 years ago
    • Yorkleeann's Avatar
      Yorkleeann

      Of course. And, I probably will reach out as the heavy planning begins!! I'm a hiker/biker too. But, in flat-at sea level Indiana, it's not the challenge (or delightful beauty) you probably get!!! So looking forward to 2016!

      Please let me know how your SO's scan goes!!! My husbands is 8/27 w/ results meeting 9/3. Nail biting time!

      Stay in touch!

      about 3 years ago
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    Yorkleeann wrote on Moxie8's wall

    I don't have a "silver bullet" kind of answer for you. However, I do have some thoughts, suggestions and other questions.

    First, my husband tried 1:1 counseling, too and did not like it. He started a "Livestrong" fitness program, through our local YMCA. It's a (FREE) workout for cancer survivors two days a week. He went in with very low expectations, but turns out he LOVES LOVES LOVES it. Not to generalize, but most guys work things out physically. Talking it out, for him, wasn't useful. He's literally "working" through it. He's noticeably stronger since starting nearly 2 months ago. He enjoys being in the company of other's who are as "broken" as he, without the self-consciousness he feels around our old friends.

    My husbands situation was bringing me down. I felt like I was drowning and useless to him as much as he me, so in desperation, I told him shortly before he enrolled in this Y program that I must live my life again. We had been living off the grid over a year and a half. I was doing nothing but being with him. I told him that I had brought him as far as I could and now he must figure the rest out. I went on to say that there is a place by my side if/when he is ready. I promised not to pressure him and let him know what I would be doing daily/weekly/monthly. If he cared to join, he could. This "letting go" of the "power" to fix him was exactly what we both needed. He doesn't do a lot with me, but he does do some things. I don't pressure him to join me. I love when he does join, but I try not to gush about it and ultimately, I trust his decisions either way. I am trusting the process of healing. He is MUCH better psychologically than he was even a few months ago. Finally!

    Curious if your SO is working? If he has good supports in family/friends? What did he enjoy doing before the diagnosis? It would be unusual if he WASN'T depressed. I would say it's healthy, really, as he's working through it. It's just unbelievably hard to watch. And helpless.

    You sound like a terrific support! Keep me posted what YOU try and what works for you both in the journey! It feels so "fish out of water"!!

    1 Comment
    • Moxie8's Avatar
      Moxie8

      Thanks again for writing back. You really understand and it's very helpful for me to hear how you handled certain situations. My boyfriend works out in his basement, he's not a person that likes to take part in group activities. I will suggest it to him but I'm almost positive he won't do it. It's great that your husband has found the group at the Y a super experience. You are right about being physical and you asked what he likes to do, golf. He says that only time he feels normal is when he's golfing. So he golfs at least once a week and sometimes twice a week. He does work full time and his position is extremely demanding so I'm not sure how much longer he will continue. He needs to use his voice a lot and since the surgeries he now has trouble speaking, which contributes to his depression. Thanks for telling me it would be strange if he wasn't depressed, that makes sense.

      I also thought it was interesting when you said that "letting go of trying to fix him" was what you both needed. I need to work on that. I try to go with the flow and not complain that he doesn't want to see me or do anything because he's tired. It is really hard and I really miss what we had but I guess I will just need to keep working on doing things for myself to give him the space he needs. Trusting the process, you sound so wise! How did you get where you are? Did you go to support groups? I've called the hope line a couple of times and that has been very helpful. As far as letting go and not being codependent sounds a lot like Alanon. I have experience with that so maybe I need try to remember how I stopped being codependent with my ex husband, it really did work.

      You are a fabulous writer by the way. I love how you put your words together. Thank you again for taking the time to write to me, your experiences that you've shared are very helpful, they give me hope.

      Have a good week.

      about 3 years ago